March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

@BeeTrainScofferLotta
Do you think your mum feels an ounce of guilt for how she has treated you over the years?
She has no partner or support because no one else will put up with her bullshit. Vile mothers become vile little old ladies.
You are upsetting and exposing your daughter to generational dysfunction. Your poor daughter having to witness that, it will stay with her for life. I speak as a child who witnessed screaming arguments, it is very damaging and frightening.
Your mum will never change so you can either carry on being her punch bag or teach your daughter that self esteem and emotional security comes from respecting yourself.

That was my theory. That I have to now push her aside so I can model good behaviour to my kids. I am never this disregulted in front of my dc except with mum. I feel terrible. My dd even repeated some of the awful
words I said to describe her grandmother. I can’t explain why I keep returning and trying to facilitate some kind of relationship. In my
cukture it is extremely inappropriate to neglect or ignore your parents even if they are a total nightmare.

Today is mother's day in my home country. I couldn't bring myself to not send flowers but I kept the message very brief. I did call her but kept it brief as well and am proud of myself. I'm proud but guilt ridden.

I have no desire to talk to her or share anything. She sat down and probably hoped for more conversation. But I'm not doing it anymore. She abused me very badly and I am only just getting my emotional affairs in order. Putting myself and my life first.

I am crying but have long accepted I have no real mother. I'm just crying because of all the angst I felt of 'having to call her and see her face'. I have some way to go to become emotionally free but I'm moving in that direction.

The past year and a bit has been a long hard road in therapy. But I'm so proud of myself that I am facing it all and am not running away from the fact I consider myself 'without a family'. It's the only way forward and my panic attacks have reduced greatly. I can also say, for the first time in my life, that I have moved out of depression and it's wonderful.

@Twatalert
Well done on your progress. This stuff is hard especially the guilt ! x

@flapjackfairy thank you. Healing from the trauma is the second hardest thing I have lived through, the first being my childhood.

I hear you @Twatalert - different paths but a similar story here for sure. You sum it up very well. Look what it's done to us. 😢 But we are here - getting stronger and getting better. You are amazing. It will be OK. Keep going. We can do it. xx

Just picked up The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray to re-read. It's helping. Somewhat back at the "one day at a time" stage, but glad to still be there and not back at the bottom of the abyss. Kept busy today planning next Dartmoor foray with the dog. Which will not involve the military. Again.

Strength and love to you all. x

@BeeTrainScofferLotta
The reason we return and try so hard is because we are good people, we want to be accepted, loved and treated fairly by our families/parent. Someone said recently that it is like a starving person returning repeatedly to an empty cupboard expecting food. It is hard to deal with and impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

@REP22 thank you! This is it. It takes ages to heal. Sometimes I think I don't make progress but then I look back how my life used to be and realise I'm a different person.

Goodbye depression, panic attacks, never ending sleeping problems and all sorts of dysfunctional behaviour on my part.

One thing remains: an eating disorder but I am positive I can improve this too. It's taking the rest of my life to heal from the first 18 years of my life.

You keep going. There are so many people out there like us, but everyone has their issues hidden. Nobody at my work has any idea what I went through and what I'm going through. No friend knows the FULL extent. It's a lonely journey.

@BeeTrainScofferLotta it's so common to keep going back and trying. I only stopped trying at 40 years old. It's such a hard cycle to break because as kids we keep going back to our mum because we need to survive and hope next time will be different, surely she loves us etc how could she not. It's the little girl in you still looking. I'm so sorry x

I totally get going back over and over again. They give you a false sense of security and you want to be able to think they are normal loving people but they are not. They are cold calculating monsters. I am almost 47 and only now totally walking away from my mother because she is never going to change, in fact she is getting worse. It is sad to think we did not have normal parents and the love we should have had but we can stop the cycle for our kids is really the only way I am seeing it. It should not be like this at all of course not but these are sadly the cards we have been dealt.

@Genuineweddingone this. Most abusers have a 'good side' because that's what keeps you in the cycle. It's when they don't seem as bad and you question whether you overreacted in the past. I still get this with my mother but then thank god she does something that reminds me exactly why I walked away and I'm not going back in.

I have done it for so long that I feel guilt this time walking away for good but I have to now. Shes just destroyed my name to everyone and shes not going to change and I will not allow her to do it to my son. I cant let her hurt him the way she has hurt me. Im done now.

Definitely starving. A lot has happened here, life changing injury, infertility, massive work stress, dc health scares and instead of having her support she comes in and is another huge drain on resources. There’s no equity there, I know she can’t give it and I shouldn’t overreact but I also have finally learned I just cannot spend any time with her really. For my wok sanity. Especially while spread this thin.

the thing I find really hard is that there is no malice in it. She cannot help herself. She’s just quite an odd and traumatised person.

Long time lurker. Had quite a traumatic childhood. Dad was an aggressive drunk who left when I was 3. Step dad sexually abused me 7-16. Left home at 18. 'D'M and I have never spoken about my childhood. we always seem to skirt around the topic unless she mentions it when drunk, I don't say anythjng however.

she was up visiting and commented that I have such nice life and that I should be happy. I felt the most overwhelming anger. I'm
not happy as I can't stop thinking about my childhood and how shit it was, especially now I'm bringing up my children. it has affected my adult life completely.

on a side note if anyone can recommend a counsellor that would be fab. I don't want my past to have such a hold over my present.

I honestly feel like I’m starting to fall apart with the situation with my ‘D’M.

My aunt rang me again a few days ago and I originally said I didn’t think she was a flying monkey but now I’m starting to wonder. She rang again in such a flap saying it’s serious, she’s dying, can’t you come and see her (long haul flights 24 hours +), you only get one mum and despite what she’s done she’s still your mum; then it was ‘well I suppose I’ll have to sort out her estate etc’ if I don’t go over, you must come and get her jewellery and anything else you want. Then it was all ‘you must fight for your inheritance etc’ (nothing is further from my mind) which I think is a bit crude given the circumstances.

Then my DM text me 4 days ago off her partners phone (I can only assume it was genuinely her and not him) asking for my email address, which I decided to give, but nothing received.

Why are they all messing with me? I’m sick of the repeated she’s dying, come quick, she’s going into the hospice, but when I ask when she is going into the hospice it’s all ‘I have no idea, she’s still at home pain-free, getting out and about etc.’. Then aunt said that DM hopes to see this Xmas. It’s all such a contradiction of events vs reality and I’m starting to wonder if it’s all a lie. I feel like telling my aunt I don’t want to hear until she’s gone into a hospice and then I will contact the hospice and check myself as I feel I can’t trust anyone anymore. I wish it would all go away.

@Airworld they are heavily enmeshed and invested in their drama. They need narc fuel to feed off [you], they are the center of the excitement/drama, they need an audience [you] both are yanking your chain. They are messing with you because you are letting them.
Trust your instincts, stop playing their game, start avoiding, blocking, ignoring all of it. That is the only way to 'make it go away' you used to be low contact, they have hoovered you back in.
This is the reality of dealing with dysfunctional people.

Wise words from @binkie163 these people need drama and will attempt all sorts to get you back in. When you go LC / NC it enrages them and they will pull out more tactics. It’s not always obvious but stay well away.

@ohreallywhynow your childhood sounds like a lot to take in. I don’t currently have a therapist recommendation for you but do have a trial session with a couple of them to see who feels right for you. Have also had the ‘you have such a nice life’ comments from family and it enrages me too. However, it’s worth taking a minute to appreciate the changes you’ve made and cycles you’ve broken - it takes a lot!

For anyone struggling with negative memories and rage whirring around in their head, I have a quick tip (not a complete fix); brisk morning walks - 30 minutes early in the morning as soon as you wake up. Walk fast and walk alone - it can help you get out of a negative think funk - I’ve found it works for me. I think it just gets me out of my head and into my body which starts the day on a good foot!

My first post here but I have read through loads of previous posts and found them really helpful. My situation is that I was given up at the age of 2 to the care of my grandmother who emotionally and physically abused my mother (she even jokes about it with me), and of course the cycle continued with me. It was in the mid 60s and on to the 70s but I was still made to pretend my mother was my sister when she came to visit (rarely).

I have always (until recently) craved my mother´s attention and love and idolised/ idealised her. In my very early twenties I briefly lived with her while going to college until her boyfriend literally threw me out (she stood by and watched). She has always been distracted around me and often cancelled meet ups.

During the pandemic, I came to visit her (she lives abroad) as she was showing lots of affection and love - this sounds pathetic now. Anyway, Brexit was happening and I had the chance to take up residency in her EU country, so I did. She was in full lovebomb phase which I had never really experienced before. (At the time I completely fell for it.)

My DH had always wanted to live near the Med so he was on board, it was such a weird Covid time, things weren´t great at work etc so it seemed a good time to sell up and leave.

Well I have been here nearly four years now and I am miserable. She has reverted to type really, the blowing hot and cold is so hard to deal with, I can´t believe I fall for it every time she is lovely and then feel down when she is not.

She has always been on a diet/ toxic around food and I have always been overweight (now obese - classic eating my feelings mode). I am beginning not to be able to bear her searching up and down my body look every time she sees me - we live nearby.

Mainly, I am really sad and angry about my choice. The housing market here is not at all like the UK and houses can take years to sell and so the likelihood of getting back on the UK ladder in the place I used to live is pretty slim if I did decide to return to the UK.

It all just really hurts - I feel manipulated to being nearby (she is now in her 80s) to help with all things old age when she had no interest when I was younger. She also talked up everything locally as being great; when I arrived she pointed out their (serious) flaws.

I feel I have given up my financial security (by that I mean my UK house which was in a very desirable area and going up in value constantly) which would have meant me having many more choices as I age to chase this stupid childish dream of a mother who truly loves me.

How do I progress through my self-knowledge journey from here? Has anyone experienced similar? I am currently limiting my contact with her but it´s my self recrimination that is so hard to bear. Thanks for reading.

That is so much to endure, @itsnotagameshow. The impact curling through your life to confront you again and again.

As for loosening her hold, have you tried some of the resources in the initial post? And would therapy be a possibility, with someone carefully chosen? 💙

Thank you for your kind message, it means a lot. I guess I am coming to lots of realisations about who she really is.

I have forgiven her over and over - I know she must be damaged too - but I have been so blind to facts, and that is what is hurting now.

It was only as I wrote down my situation here that I realised I have been exonerating her from leaving me with the abusive grandmother (and coming to stay and witnessing some of it yet doing nothing) thanks in part to her manipulative nudges into setting the scene for us both to be the victims of said grandmother.

Yet she was the adult who split with my father and then carried on her life with a good career, money, men galore while I had a worse version of the childhood she said she hated. Why worse? My grandmother used to punish me for naughtiness by leaving an envelope addressed to Dr Barnados in the hall ´ready to post´ as the narrative I was fed was that she was my last chance of a home as my mother was useless and had walked away.

I recently had trauma counselling (for a situation which I thought didn´t involve my mother at all) but actually suddenly the dots joined up and here I am with all the lights on.

So I guess I should lay off the self blame and start to look for ways to move forward. I am thankful I have much more insight, that´s a start.

To add to the above, there is a part of me that is really glad I made this move, it has been and continues to be really trying and sometimes so miserable, but without it I don´t think I would ever have got to grips with what happened to me in childhood and how that has affected me to this day. I just wish it hadn´t been such an expensive exercise, both in terms of money and emotion.

That is so heartbreaking to read, @itsnotagameshow. It's like these people are a different species.

I'd start with the self-recrimination. Once you've got a handle on that, you're in a much better position. You owe her nothing but disdain.

First post here, I’ve been reading back through this thread which has been helpful so thank you for sharing, but also so heartbreaking at the same time. So here’s my essay, apologies for the length.

I suppose I’m posting as I’m at a bit of a crossroads again myself. I did 6 years of no contact with my severely narcissistic & toxic mother, but gave in again in Feb 2020. This was partly due to my Dad having a stroke and her writing me a very pleading letter. However here I am after 4 years of contact again, and I now feel I am back at square one and my mental health is suffering. I realise allowing her back into my life again was a massive mistake. I blocked her last week after a series of texts she sent.

So initially when I first got back in contact, it was bearable and there was a facade at respecting boundaries but this has now stopped. It’s like she was reeling the fish back in and now she’s caught it, she can go back to bullying me and being toxic. I’m now constantly having to fight back to try & retain boundaries but it’s useless, and it’s causing me much anxiety. For example, I live 90 mins away from my parents, so when she’s pushing & pushing to come down & visit and I say I’m not available, she now books in at the local hotel nearby & appears on my doorstep. Texts/calls have gone from every 7 days to at least once a day, sometimes more. Usually full of toxic negative stuff.

Also recently (3 weeks ago) I had an operation to remove a very large (10cm) retrosternal lump in my neck/chest. I’d had a year of total stress and being very poorly as it took a long time to diagnose the problem. It had grown on the back of my thyroid, towards the back of my neck and into my chest, so wasn’t visible from the outside and I had trouble breathing and was in a lot of discomfort due to its size with strange symptoms. Thankfully now all removed. However whilst I was awaiting confirmation that it was definitely benign, she started sending me a torrent of text messages regarding her breast cancer diagnosis from 14 years ago, along with links to articles about it, and texts telling me it was very aggressive so I had better watch out. Luckily hers was caught very early and she only had to have radiotherapy and has had no problems since. However she’s absolutely obsessed with it and tries to project this health anxiety onto my sister & I constantly. She’s almost annoyed that my brother’s wife actually does carry the BRCA gene so has made up a totally untrue story she’s got Ashkenazi Jew Heritage, so genetically more at risk from cancer. There is no trace of this gene in our family tree. So I ended up bluntly texting back asking her not to send me cancer texts at the moment as I couldn’t deal with it after my thyroid lump & illness, and I got a load more cancer texts. Hence the blocking again!

Also when we moved back to England after 5 years in Wales, I made sure we were at least 90 mins from them. She’s now talking about looking at a retirement village 15 mins down the road from me. My Dad is 10 years older than her (he’s 85 and getting weaker as she makes him run round after her) so I think she’s looking at who’ll be his replacement. The only reason we moved to Wales previously was to escape her as she had moved 10 mins down the road from us before and was on my doorstep constantly. She’s domineering, oozes negativity and very toxic, which was the reason for the previous no contact.

She was also extremely violent to me as a child (grabbing my hair & banging my head into a wall regularly & attacking me by hitting me around the head) and the emotional & verbal abuse has never stopped. She’s burnt every childhood photo of me when I last went NC. I suppose I just feel a fool for giving her another chance but I thought after Dad’s stroke (thankfully he made a near full recovery at 81) she wanted a fresh start or she may have mellowed with age. However I now realise Dad’s stroke just left her feeling vulnerable & she wanted another foot soldier available to serve her as she gets older & her mobility fails.

My sister has had numerous addiction issues/anorexia due to our childhood, my Dad is a totally henpecked doormat and an enabler and has admitted he knew what was going on when we were growing up, but couldn’t do anything. My brother is the golden child (I think because he’s male) so doesn’t get the crap like my sister & I, although Mum does fry his brain. My brother called me after my operation to check I was ok and my Mum kept telling me how good it was of him to call me! 🙄

So I suppose I know I need to maintain NC again as there is no other option. Just frustrated I feel the guilt again and have undone the progress I made. It feels like all I’ve done is reopen old wounds. The 6 years I previously had NC wasn’t easy to begin with, but I did find a peace & happiness I’d never had before and also found who I really was, as Mum has always tried to stamp this out of us. Luckily I have a wonderful supportive husband & daughter but beginning to think it may be worth getting some counselling too, to try and finally get over it all. Was interested if others had found this helpful & would recommend it? A friend of mine in Wales who worked as a mediation counsellor once said something to me which I found enormously helpful, and that was ‘if a relationship with an individual isn’t a nourishing experience, then you need to ask yourself if you should continue it’. Maybe I need some more wise words? 🤷‍♀️

@itsnotagameshow The truth is these parents are just selfish, self absorbed c*nts but IT IS NOT OUR FAULT.
We can not undo the past, it has happened and we will always be dealing with the emotional fall out.
I would start by going no contact, she has used/manipulated you and will continue to so if you let her. We at some point have to take responsibility for our own lives and decisions. You now see her for what she is dont let her manipulate you another day.
Once I accepted my mother would never change it made it easier for me to cut her out my life. Facing the truth of my childhood was extremely painful, I had been in denial most my adult life and after the initial pain, I let it go. The sadness, loneliness and sense of not belonging is hard but it does get better.
Regret, resentment, recrimination robs us of joy, wipe your slate clean, move forward, piss on your mum, live your life. We have to make changes to get different results, your mum wont change so you have to xx