Why are people having less sex?

[Hartley99]

I read a shocking statistic in the paper today. In 2009, 30% of men aged 18-24, and 50% of women, were having "no sex". In 2018, the same survey found that 43% of men aged 18-24 were having no sex, and 74% of women! The number of teenage pregnancies has plummeted as well. Also, and I wonder if this is connected in some way, the number of young people who don't drink alcohol has massively increased. Young people also seem less interested in relationships, or having children. In fact, people in general seem less and less keen to date, form relationships or families, etc. I'm pretty sure the birth rate is falling as well.

I've always found these sorts of social trends/changes fascinating. I kind of regret not studying sociology, actually. It's so interesting. What drives these changes? I was a teenager in the '90s, and there is no doubt that young people today are far less interested in sex and relationships than we were. They seem far more cynical, wary and suspicious. Rather than the end goal of life, they seem to view marriage and kids as a trap – something they might have to endure one day, but which they'd rather delay or avoid altogether. Or is it just me?

We were like you @Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions, it was two years before we’d finished decorating a tiny cottage.
I don’t think the ‘I want it now’ culture has done anyone any favours at all.
There’s little romance nowadays it seems to me and porn is warping the minds of both boys and men, making sex less and less attractive to many women.
It’s unfortunate that little information is available on the effects of this on women.

I suggest that you improve your sexual prowess. If DW is thinking of sex as a chore, there's a reason for it.

A very big generalisation, but I think there is a large percentage of men that are addicted to video games, and/or are wanking themselves senseless, resulting in a suppressed motivation and desire to want to self improve and also meet women. They are effectively sedated from reality.

2 kids under 4 I guess!

This is very true. Although every time women try to say they aren't keen on gamers they attract a tyranny of abuse anywhere on the net because men don't want to put the effort in to be an adult and grow as a human being - they can't see how it would benefit them. It's all about the fast food for the brain for a lot of men, which is really unattractive for most women.

Add in girls these days are way more savvy, aware of and confident in their worth as a female, and have a constant stream of information detailing men doing shit things, it’s hardly surprising.

I agree with that.
And the answer is for men to prove they are not doing shit things, look at their female counterparts as equal etc…

One issue, when I discuss those things with my young adult dcs is that they are convinced that men their generation are different, better and don’t do any of those awful things. In his own words ‘it’s all your generation that behaves
Iike that’ (read sexually harass, rape etc….)
Maybe when he’ll live in with someone, he’ll get it more? Not sure tbh

Then really you have no right to be complaining about the ‘lack of sex’.

How long should I wait 😅

Tbh, you decided to have kids…. What did you expect, for things to stay exactely the same?

Your question is the wrong one. It assumes this is all your dw responsibility. It assumes you just need to weather it out and it will calm down and get better all in its own.
Thats not how things works.

It starts with communication and not judging.
It starts with compassion and being able to put yourself in her shoes.
It starts with asking her how things are for her. Because basically no one is going to get horny when they are exhausted.
So talk to her. Do NOT demand sex. Don’t put pressure on her. But support her. Take care of her aka what are her needs atm. Maybe it’s time in her own. Maybe it’s sleep. Maybe it’s for you to take a real 50% of responsibility, incl the mental load. Maybe it’s something else altogether.
But the sexiest thing you can do is to try.u listen to her and support her.

That’s very interesting. I remember reading somewhere that the sperm count is plummeting all over the world, but especially in Africa. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but Africa has the highest birth rate in the world. In fact, the African population is going to double by 2050 (right in the middle of a climate crisis). It’s probably nonsense, but I do wonder if the crashing sperm count is nature’s way of reducing our numbers. If that doesn’t work, I suspect there will be a new virus that wipes out millions of us. Nature is utterly ruthless. And we are becoming a liability. We’re polluting the rivers and oceans, causing mass extinctions, pumping carbon into the atmosphere, and so on.

Sorry but loads of women with young kids still want to have sex with their husbands.

But it's an easier excuse than saying you don't fancy your partner anymore of they're crap in bed

I'm not crap in bed she just says she doesn't feel like it and that's that!

There's more to life nowadays. You can watch Netflix or TikTok instead and be entertained all the time, no need to be having sex to have a giggle. Plus less drinking to get you in the mood, people are more aware of the risks, don't want children, can't afford children, can't afford to go out clubbing.. everyone is becoming more introverted. Also masturbating is now more accepted and there are adverts for sex toys everywhere. I'm not sure this is a bad thing.

It's hard to have real sex when your entire life is online.

Not sure if this point has been made before, but when I was a teen in the 90s magazines were full of relationship and sex advice, we were saturated in that. I don't think that's the case now, and with the focus on being comfortable with your own identity now, are young people just being exposed to different norms?

Well then you know what else you can do to help her libido: help with the kids.

There's a lot of research into the countries that have gender disparities; those with the largest are seeing falling birth rates. Japan and Korea for example, with Korea even paying women to have children, which is not working. Women don't see the attraction for multiple reasons and one of those is having to do the majority of the invisible labour while the man gets all of the freedom, kudos and money of earning when the women have also studied but are expected to give up work once they have kids.

If these women won't commit to families because their societies aren't structured to make it worthwhile for them in any way long term, I'd suggest similar is happening here. Our kids can see how we have no childcare provisions, our government isn't looking after public services and NHS (a potential future expense with kids and their own health if it goes private) and recognise they are unlikely to be on the housing ladder. It's an extra stress that can come from having sex as being in a relationship does tend to have the trajectory that the kids and house is expected to follow.

Agree with this. Combine that with some online dating app chat and “validation matching”, they’re pretty much fulfilled - at a distance, without having to actually do anything, make an effort etc

They don’t have their own homes to shag in

How much time does your DW get child free without any expectations of housework or paid employment ?

And women don't feel safe bringing them to their homes... Maybe love hotels will spring up?

I’m in my 40s and certainly not having less sex. But there again the statistics people never asked me. “Excuse me madam, l’m doing a survey, can l ask you …”

Forty years ago, a young working man was probably able to fund a family and a student probably had a great future. I suspect as many men that can positively offer that are having as much (probably more) sex than back then. But poor men with no evident future are less attractive.

Yeah I agree that workplace relationships often backfired but I think from my perspective even though I didn't date colleagues, socialising with them meant I met a huge number of other people - I have 5 "friend couples" who met through me so one was a colleague and one was my ex-flatmates ex girlfriend and really random stuff like that. Despite internet being in its infancy I had a pretty massive potential dating pool from one degree of separation, and because we all just went out A LOT. If I wasn't out Thurs/Fri/Sat I'd be like "man I'm such a hermit". I met my DH when two friends each decided to host a table of 10 for a football final and they had to bring only people the other person had never met.