Why are people having less sex?

[Hartley99]

I read a shocking statistic in the paper today. In 2009, 30% of men aged 18-24, and 50% of women, were having "no sex". In 2018, the same survey found that 43% of men aged 18-24 were having no sex, and 74% of women! The number of teenage pregnancies has plummeted as well. Also, and I wonder if this is connected in some way, the number of young people who don't drink alcohol has massively increased. Young people also seem less interested in relationships, or having children. In fact, people in general seem less and less keen to date, form relationships or families, etc. I'm pretty sure the birth rate is falling as well.

I've always found these sorts of social trends/changes fascinating. I kind of regret not studying sociology, actually. It's so interesting. What drives these changes? I was a teenager in the '90s, and there is no doubt that young people today are far less interested in sex and relationships than we were. They seem far more cynical, wary and suspicious. Rather than the end goal of life, they seem to view marriage and kids as a trap – something they might have to endure one day, but which they'd rather delay or avoid altogether. Or is it just me?

The internet and easy access to porn is really doing a lot of damage to young people.
Definitely. And we as parents let them have it, from way too young so we are to blame. I remember when my kids were small and smart phones were new. All my mum friends said no way will we allow our kids to have such easy access to the internet. But we all did, eventually ( I held out longer and had tighter controls but by 15/16 it had got away from me).
I have had a lot of open and honest conversations about porn and sex and how to treat girls with dc but at the end of the day have no idea what goes on in their world, because their world is their phone. It’s scary.

Expectations .
Years ago a young couple rented a bit of a dump , didn't have much furniture etc .
Saved like mad to either rent a bigger place when starting a family or became eligible for a council place or if earning ok, managed a mortgage.
They often went without something until they could afford it.
Today with sm , everyone has to look their very best , wear designer , own the latest whatever , and be seen having the best life .

People seem more interested in their own image and ‘identity’ than sex these days.

Jennalong very true.
My first house was a wreck but it was what I could afford.
My boss gave me his old sofa and chairs. It was not anything I would have chosen.
My dh made a little table for the living room.
We saved up and had double glazed windows fitted one by one. Can you imagine anyone doing that now?
I hear young mothers moaning about the col crisis and yet they are having false eyelashes done, nails done, sunbeds. Men are the same with their flash, gas guzzling cars.
Expectations have certainly changed.
When I was a student I cooked all my own food, a take away was an absolute treat, now it’s so common place.

I was watching this real (coloured and remastered) footage from 1930s London and was blown away by how trim, smart, put together and groomed everyone looked. It made me feel quite ashamed as I am a complete scruff (and not in a charming attractive way). Most people these days on the streets look like an absolute dogs dinner (myself included) compared to these people (watch the bit near the end at the train station where you can see everyone up close - you can see how low our standards as a society have fallen if you imagine a scene from a train station today).

OP's stats are about American 14-17 year olds.

18-25 with texting, Snapchat etc if you have a hook up everyone you know could know about it within hours. So if you are a student for example, that could put you off

I overheard two older teen girls (students?) talking about reasons they’ve rejected potential partners, sitting right behind me on the bus so I heard it all. Many reasons were physical, many totally shallow. One said they had to have those V muscle lines down their lower abdomen/pubic area. I think social media and seeing life through a filter has increased everyone’s expectations and not necessarily in a good way. In some good ways, yes. Eg I think it’s good young women are holding men to account more for being respectful and decent. When I was a (fairly sensible) teenager, all my boyfriends were “bad boys” and this was something to be desired rather than what they’d probably call an “ick” today.

My DNeice & DNephew are both very shy. DNeice is at uni & although she has male friends at 20 she's never had a boyfriend. DNephew (19) spends too much time online.

My DD is 17 and says sh'd like a relationship but all the boys are so disappointing. I asked why, and she says they have nothing interesting to say. 🤷‍♀️

Many above are saying positive changes in society (empowered women) mean that women are not feeling pressured into sex. That's a very positive sign. But doesn't this naturally result in pushback from men in the form of cheating?

I'm 100% not saying it's right, or justified, or any woman should just do it for the sake of her partner, absolutely not... but if men (purportedly known for having high sex drives), end up in relationships that eventually decline into asexual situations, isn't this a sad side effect that is likely to result? Likewise, if men are more convinced that a relationship will more than likely end up sexless, (sex being a major criterion for many men), isn't a decline in marriage numbers naturally going to happen too?

Women on MN often comment on the decline in male quality (cocklodgers, gambling, laziness, not taking care of themselves, etc)... so, as a result, they are less likely to want men in general, and by extension sex, but the opposite is also likely true. Men stereotypically in history have wanted to be 'taken care of', an attractive woman, and sex... and this is not the modern woman.

Basically, what I'm getting at is that the men and women appear to be getting progressively less attractive to each other in general. Isn't it only going to get worse?

When I was a (fairly sensible) teenager, all my boyfriends were “bad boys” and this was something to be desired

Probably still true and sp many ask why we have such shit men - because lots of women find them desirable, basically because you choose to have these sort of relationships. I suspect it takes a few years to decide the bad boy was a bad choice and move on.

MN has probably contributed. We are collectively sharing the shit stories and women’s radars are ever more on alert

They are now but I don’t think that was always the case.

Thank you for sharing this OP, it's amazing. Everyone just looks so 'alive' and sharp and all business! Even taking weight out of the equation, people's posture and bearing is immeasurably better and they carry themselves to match the very smart clothing. The most ordinary looking man looks so much better in a suit and hat than even the most attractive younger male slouching around in soggy grey joggers (will someone please ban those things).

Well TBF it is central London, I don't see many grey jogging bottoms in central London. People do tend to be a bit smarter.

Sex has become commodified. Sex in the 80s was completely different (better) to sex now. Sorry to be crass, but it's true.

Wow @theleafandnotthetree the lack of people!

I read recently that there are more teen girls pregnant than teen boys - as in, adult males are impregnating teen girls. It made me think of the 90's and how much stick girls who got pregnant got about only wanting a council house etc. That was just when porn became available to most men...

I haven't had sex for 3 years because every time I do the guy ends up being a lying cheating asshat. I'd rather not contract an STD for one of these creatures and don't feel particularly comfortable with them in my home any more. Certainly not going to waste my time and money going out into town to find one! More and more women have given up giving up everything to try to be the ideal woman or to do the pick me dance for a man. We don't want to do that for animals like the 40yo who found Amber Gibson's body and decided to wank over it rather than report it to the police. Oh and she was raped then killed by her brother by the way.

I wonder why we don't want to sleep with them?

I agree about not feeling comfortable with them in my home. We are hearing about a male predator every few days. Of course this sadly isn’t new though! I can’t believe o was so relaxed about going back to the homes of men I was casually dating in my twenties.

Porn has rarely been studied from a female perspective. Woman's Hour are doing a section on it and on the whole women are not keen, can't tell partners if they themselves use it and watch women on women or men on men to avoid the misogony of it all. That's probably not helping how they see men and sex either.

I must be showing my age but this really is strange to me.

Pubs, bars, clubs and work were the only places we met back in the day. I met my dh in a bar 20 years ago. I met most of my boyfriends when I was on nights out. I worked in the city and loads of people in our office were dating each other...some even ended up getting married.

I agree (worked in the city 1997-2008), and also because you were generally out a lot and people were more flexible about people just coming along, you'd meet people from your friends' wider group pretty easily - if I didn't have plans I'd call my flatmate and ask him if he's out and if I can join- then maybe some workmates might ask me if I want to go out and I'd say "I'm meeting my flatmate and his mates but you can come" and we'd all end up in some bar and meet loads of new people and there would pretty much always be a hook up (not always me- ha ha)

@Emily1583 Pubs, clubs, and work are the absolute worst places to find a romantic or sexual partner, so doubt that's the cause either.

All of the above were exactly where you met your future husband. Some people did meet through hobby groups of course or had been childhood sweethearts at a church/youth club but certainly from the 1960's and right up until the 1990's work (and work related socialising) was the most likely place to meet someone.

It's such a positive that this isn't the case any more. I started working in the 2000s and even then the rule of not shitting where you eat was firmly internalised in us. Hooking up with colleagues just seemed like an obviously disastrous idea and we'd all heard the horror stories of how it could go wrong.

And we were a hard-partying lot who were no strangers to hook-ups and so on - firmly outside of work! I would say that plenty of couples met each other through working in the same industry (so you'd meet someone at a work-related event and keep in touch, say), but I can't think of anyone who met through working alongside each other every day at the same company. The thought gives me hives honestly.

These days it's even more of a norm to keep professional and social/romantic lives separate, especially when you realise how many "office hook-ups" had unequal sexual dynamics all the way up to harassment at their core. No man with a working brain cell would do anything that be construed as hitting on a female colleague in 2024 - quite rightly. And I'd hope most working environments have improved enough for most women to be able to nip any unwanted attention in the bud.

This I would have got married the next day when I got engaged but now she sees sex as a chore and complains about it. How many men would stick around in a relationship if at the beginning a woman said in a few years I can't be bothered having sex anymore.