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Original poster

I think I have done a terrible thing

607 replies

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 17:39

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Inawayalso · 20/03/2024 13:34

Between step 2 and 3 I’m pretty sure he’ll talk about feeling suicidal unfortunately and it’s awful.

Cantbesure · 20/03/2024 13:42

Spot on @CALLI0PE and @Inawayalso My cocklodger did all of these. Plus lots of 'he didn't want me back, he just needed to see me so we could say a proper goodbye'. I had suicide threats. Sad face photos from a&e. It was a lot to
Deal with at the time and almost broke me. He was blocked on everything but made a new email address everyday to contact me.

Inawayalso · 20/03/2024 14:12

Yes blocking, but not to be horrible to him but blocking to protect yourself because it’s hard being on the other end of all that onslaught and they are relying on you being moved in some way. Its the only way I could function after leaving my abusive ex. They are all so text book!

maclen · 20/03/2024 14:32

Don't ruin your life for someone else OP. Life is short and before you know it it will be over. Be happy for you and your children

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 21/03/2024 08:16

Hi all,

Sorry for leaving the post so abruptly. I have come down with a bad cold, think all the emotions have come out.

His family have been in contact and want me to take him back.

I went to see him at his family home yesterday and he is doing his best to convince me things will be different etc but I stood my ground and left without it him.

i still have the car although he has now mentioned he wants it back! I don’t have any money to get another so his family have said they will help me with this (because be has taken all my money) but again this ties me to them!

I havnt spoken to my family about it all yet but I have spoken to a good friend and she is very supportive.

still working and managing my own DC so in limbo with everything really

OP posts:
Dontforgetthesalamander · 21/03/2024 08:22

If they've got money to help with a car, why can't they get him a car and he signs that one over to you?

I'm glad you haven't taken him back. He's a prick. If you weaken, remember what he's done.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 21/03/2024 08:22

Well done @Vacumwondering remember… there is a reason his family want you to take him back !!! He will leech of them!!!

Tell your family they may be able to help with a car don’t borrow from his family you are right it will tie you to them.

If he still hasn’t got a job then he isn’t trying at all to show you things will be different

HazelBite · 21/03/2024 08:28

Would you be able manage for a while without a car?

lilyathena · 21/03/2024 08:33

Well done. I really think be it wd be best to cut the apron strings and not get involved with his family either. No one needs to have any links. Really... it doesn't matter what they think of you. You have seen the truth of the situation here and others may, or may not. You don't have any obligation and nor do you need to visit them to sort out his or 'their' problems. I think the subtext here is that are continuing to treat him like a baby ... were relieved to get rid of him to you... and don't want to be responsible for him either so they are hoping to keep you around and linked. What kind of adult has their family getting involved to discuss their relationships or car access with an ex?! Run... for the hills. And do whatever is necessary to get rid of any links. My feeling is that whatever is the right thing to do with the car, in terms of the paperwork, sort, so that you have whatever is rightly yours and in your name. You owe him nothing. Definitely don't retain any financial links with a man child.

MissHarrietBede · 21/03/2024 08:34

JFC of course they want rid of him!

StopStartStop · 21/03/2024 08:36

Avoid any connection with his family, including 'help with a car'.

OnlyOneAdda · 21/03/2024 08:41

Agree with others that you don't want to borrow money from his family, be tied etc...but why should it be a loan? He hasn't treated your paying his finance payments as a loan has he? Why don't you provide his family with the total amount of all the finance payments + insurance you have paid on his car and say that it would be very much appreciated if they could pay back "his loan" so you can use for another car. They can only say no, not much to lose in asking...

Inawayalso · 21/03/2024 09:24

Absolutely do not create any kind of tie. Cut all your losses, it’s painful but it has to be done. I lost a huge amount of money but I have zero ties with him and it’s helped me move on. Money that has been spent in the past has gone, you won’t get it back, it’s a painful lesson. Don’t borrow money and I highly doubt you’ll get him to sign over the car without him dragging out the fact he can use it to keep you tied to him. Get a banger for now.

Quartz2208 · 21/03/2024 09:44

OnlyOneAdda · 21/03/2024 08:41

Agree with others that you don't want to borrow money from his family, be tied etc...but why should it be a loan? He hasn't treated your paying his finance payments as a loan has he? Why don't you provide his family with the total amount of all the finance payments + insurance you have paid on his car and say that it would be very much appreciated if they could pay back "his loan" so you can use for another car. They can only say no, not much to lose in asking...

This send through the amount you have paid for his car and ask for that back

without his car payments can you afford anything yourself but I would send the car back and stop paying for it

and the fact they want you to take him back says a lot about how much of a scroungr he is

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/03/2024 09:51

I agree with OnlyOneAdda, if they are so keen to 'make good' then they can pay you for what you've paid out for their son's car. That money is owed to you. No loan, just what you are owed. Tell them the amount.

Whether they pay or not, you are free of this waste of space.

Sorry about your cold. I swear by 'Echinaforce', it's a tincture, put drops in hot water. Amazing stuff. Feel better soon.

RadFs · 21/03/2024 09:53

Vacumwondering · 21/03/2024 08:16

Hi all,

Sorry for leaving the post so abruptly. I have come down with a bad cold, think all the emotions have come out.

His family have been in contact and want me to take him back.

I went to see him at his family home yesterday and he is doing his best to convince me things will be different etc but I stood my ground and left without it him.

i still have the car although he has now mentioned he wants it back! I don’t have any money to get another so his family have said they will help me with this (because be has taken all my money) but again this ties me to them!

I havnt spoken to my family about it all yet but I have spoken to a good friend and she is very supportive.

still working and managing my own DC so in limbo with everything really

@Vacumwondering take the money off his family see this as them paying you a little towards what you paid for him. He is starting to show his true colours by asking for the car back.

Chatonette · 21/03/2024 10:03

If you did hand over the car, how on earth is he going to pay this month’s payment/insurance? Send over an itemised list of the payments/insurance/MOTs that you’ve loaned him the money for. Once the family coughs up the money for this loan, he can have the car.

You’re actually doing him/his family a favour by loaning him this money for his monthly payments. It would benefit them all for you to keep the current arrangement.

rainbowstardrops · 21/03/2024 10:09

Of course his family want you to take him back, they don't want him leeching off them too!
Also, if they can 'help you out' with a car then why don't they help him with a car instead?
Tell them all to jog on!

Bluegray2 · 21/03/2024 10:10

Don’t take him back until he gets a job and proves he is able to keep it……..his family should be staying out of this!…. Ye are both adults and it is none of their business

Xenoi24 · 21/03/2024 10:16

Don’t take him back until he gets a job and proves he is able to keep it…

A leech is never not a leech. Op would just end up back in the same position sooner or later.

Newbie1011 · 21/03/2024 10:17

Extremely telling that his family are desperate to offload him onto you!
Jesus Christ this is a grown man not a child, why does he need ANYONE to look after him?!
Honestly you need to run for the hills before this gets worse - what sort of example would you be showing your DC by modelling this relationship for them?!
The idea of his family ‘loaning’ you money (as a blatant bribe to get you to take him back off their hands) is a joke - you’ve been paying for HIS car for months! And it’s in his name!
They can give you money to pay back what he owes you, sure. It’s not a loan! They may or may not go for that idea but don’t entertain any concept of a ‘loan’ in my opinion - loans come with Ts and Cs and you don’t want to be enmeshed with this family financially or emotionally. It’s a recipe for disaster.
If it was me I’d do anything I had to financially to leave it on their drive, get a taxi back to my house, sort out a car for myself and never see this man or his family again!!

Xenoi24 · 21/03/2024 10:21

His family have been in contact and want me to take him back

I'm sure they do.

It's not everyday you get an unrelated adult to take care of your adult son and his kids for free. You're "Mommy Warbucks". They see you as a saviour, fixer, manager and martyr. Someone to take care of and compensate for their flaky "cannot adult" son. They most definitely want to keep hold of you.

The tying you to them and keeping you in involved with their family with a car loan or whatever is part of that.
It's actually very manipulative and strategic. They think if they can keep you in touch and in involved with their family, he'll work his way back in with you.

Don't do it. Find another way to finance a car.

(If you try to say you've been paying for his car for x months, he'll just say it's because you were using it).

Chatonette · 21/03/2024 10:25

You rolled the equity of your car, when you sold it, into his car. You deserve that money back. And not as a “loan”.

nightmareXmas · 21/03/2024 10:43

Glad to hear that you are staying strong, OP.

As galling as it is that he has leeched off you for so long, honestly I think you should write off the car (financially, not literally!) and cut all ties with this so-called man and his family. Your use of the car complicates the picture in terms of determining what you might be owed back and it could get messy.

The fact that they are trying to persuade you to take him back is telling in many ways, and it suggests that they think you might waver. Please don't. You will feel so much better once he is out of your life completely and you can start afresh, having learned an expensive, but valuable lesson.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 21/03/2024 10:50

Well done for leaving without him OP - and hope the cold gets better quickly.
Everyone's said what needs to be said upthread about why his family are desperate for you to take him back.
I hope that you've stopped all payments for his children as that should go some way towards freeing up money for a car.
Stay strong and maybe, now you've told a friend who's supportive, you might feel able to confide in your family. I'd put money on it they've seen what's happening - nobody misses a man child leeching off a single parent - and maybe they'd be able to help re the car?

Stay strong - you can't unsee what he's done.