I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

Even if it was heartless to end it (not saying it is!) that wouldn't mean that you shouldn't, if you're not happy and he won't step up.
You can't stay in a relationship you don't want just to avoid hurting someone's feelings. That's a bit like being heartless to yourself.

@Vacumwondering He should probably sign the car over to you too in part payment for you subsidising his life and because you sold yours and need it for work.

So happy to read your update OP. You are amazing.

Agreeing with others saying that you need to be careful regarding the car. I don't know where you are located, but in most jurisdictions unless you can prove you actually own it - not just pay for it, own it, not the same thing - he could report it as stolen by you.

I'd stop paying for it, give it back and sort out your own vehicle. I have a strong feeling though that all this advice is moot, as you will end up back with him.

I'd get the car in your name asap.
The finance is probably still in his name, I doubt you'd be able to get that switched easily.

You are a LEGEND!!! Well done, stay strong. The first steps are the hardest so the hardest is behind you. So happy for you

Well done you! Stay strong! 👏💪

This. He could take the car back after youve been paying for it. Best to leave it with him and get your own

Regarding the car, i think many of us have overlooked this bit
' Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.'

it is possible the Op is not in a position because of him ! to buy or lease a car at the moment / present time.

It is entirely possible unfortunately, however the law says the name on the finance agreement is/will be the owner, although if anyone stops payment then only the finance company will own it. Since it's in his name he can report it stolen or withdraw his consent at any time. OP needs to be careful.

@Vacumwondering

Hi OP I've just read your post and your updates.

I feel proud of you!

Your kind nature has well and truly been taken advantage of.

What an absolutely BUM. What kind of man watches their partner work herself into the ground, pay for everything and do most of the house stuff while he bums around? And he thinks this is okay because he has his kids 50/50? What on earth does he think most women with kids do? Just stop working?! Nah mate, we crack on that's what we do, we do it all!

Stick to your guns and don't fall for his I miss yous and I'll change..

You are work so much more and deserve a partner who JOINS YOU in carving out a bloody good life for you and your kids.

Don't worry about your self esteem. It was down once and it's taken another hit but you'll get it back up in no time. I get the alone thing. It's hard when the kids get older. Just throw yourself into making memories with them at every opportunity, especially this summer.

You will have your life back. And your money! Xxx

It's ultimatum time I'm afraid, get a job, any job or you will have to move out, as I can no longer support everyone and everything, it's draining me. You have to tell him it's having an affect on your health ect, and tbh you can then see what happens, because if he really loves you, he will do anything to protect you from feeling the way you do.

I actually think it's time for tough love. You had a great relationship before...why not again with work? But you do need to tell him how it is...it's over if he doesn't change. The current situation is unsustainable and the ball is in his court. Tell him if you don't see him making effort managing the household along side job seeking your relationship is no longer viable. You expect him to be suitably employed fitting round family (there's AM and PM school clubs 🤷) within 3 months 👍 Is it possible he's depressed on a side note? Maybe a doc visit too?

OP, as a lone parent, when I relocated due to DV and couldn't get a job in my industry, I went back to my old dependable standby - hospitality.
And after lockdown when my job could no longer pay the bills, I changed career. Because I am responsible for my ds.
He won't get a job because you have taken on responsibility for the family. You are effectively a single parent with caring responsibilities for another adult. Both of you really need a plan of action or this will be your life. Hugs

Well done @Vacumwondering

But just in case you were having a wobble about being alone, this is the man who:

1. gave up work intentionally, and intentionally didn't make a real effort to find a new job
2. intentionally let the bills run up so you'd have to step in.
3. allowed you to sell your own car which you needed in order to fund his car which he doesn't need.
4. Allows you to take money and holidays away from your kids who deserve them to fund his cushy lifestyle, what happens with any money he does actually earn?
5. pesters you for sex after doing virtually nothing around the house whilst you have had a 12 hour plus day presumably also ferrying and cooking for his kids. I bet it's all about his pleasure too and not yours! Selfish man.
6. sits at home but no job...bet there is an addiction here...computer gaming, gambling, porn? What exactly does he do all day?
7. says he was getting a final payout from work to convince you to let him leave his job but this mysteriously never materialises and it turns out he has been taking leave without you (although I bet he actually got the payout and kept the money hidden!)
8. treats you like dirt and barely talks to you with excuse of football and beer (who paid for that beer anyway?!)
9. Sulks like a child when questioned and tries to blame it on you or guilt you. 'it was your decision I just meekly went along with it (because I thought it was my lucky day!)' HA!
10. Doesn't pay maintenance now to his children's actual mother's (why would he when you are now providing the mother service free of charge).
11. can't be arsed to fight for you when he knows he is loosing you (because he doesn't really care and knows the game is up-time to find the next mug).
12. let you go originally without a fight because you wanted a career and education whilst he wanted to follow a non existent music career (band I bet!) Aka be a bum. He hasn't changed OP since he was that teenager but you have moved on like normal people do who grow up. He is still a teenager.

You must have had some serious serious rose tinted spectacles to get past all this crap. Or he is EXTREMELY good looking and good in bed.. even then I couldn't get past all the above, he is a grade A c*nt who has used you. I'd be very very angry at his treatment of me and that he clearly sees all women as there to mother him with a side order if sex!! 😬 Yuck.

Well done - bit like ripping off a plaster. Think it will hurt but over in a second. Enjoy the freedom and plan a holiday.

Wait for it, just wait for it…

He will slowly realise the bank has closed, and the campaign to get you back will ramp up.

He is capable of saying or doing anything now to get things back to the way they were, DONT FALL FOR IT!

More like, stay at your mums for now, get a job, keep the job for minimum 6 months, pay your own bills, treat me with respect...and maybe we could see if there is a future at that point. I dare say that once he has been gone for a month or two the fog will lift for you OP and you will be able to see if there is anything worth salvaging.

I wonder what his parents think of him being a lazy Cocklodger and taking the piss out of you OP? They're probably just glad to see the back of him. You need to send him packing back to theirs, it's not as if he has nowhere to go. Tbh, I bet they are wonderful how you are putting up with his lazy arse and are half expecting him back!

Wowzer only just seen your initial post and comments. I was so pleased to read you have resolved the situation . This man has not put you or the children first he has been take take take! I agree with the comments over the car cut all ties stop paying any money to him. If he wants to sell you the car and you take on the finance that's different as it would be in you name if this is doable? I'm unsure how it works with finance cars.
I had something similar put him on the mortgage so we could extend the property. I had lived there for some years beforehand. He cheated 6 months later I kicked him out he went to the solicitors and told them it was a joint mortgage and he had been paying for years!! Luckily I could prove he was lying but it still cost me financially and emotionally tbh but I learnt from it and have a happy life settled life.
Take your independence and being self sufficient back and pick yourself up brush yourself down and move on because you can!!! All the very best x

Well done op!

Nah! He needs to go. I would absolutely not accept this. This just isn't acceptable on any level. And just because you were okay with this arrangement initially doesn't mean you have to continue being okay with it. He's taking advantage, and you need to sort this sooner rather than later.

"You have 30 days to shape up or ship out" is the next sentence you should be saying to him.

(Tbh if it was me I'd probably give him 7 days 🤣)

100% agree.

OP: you did incredible well! I hope you’re proud of your strength. It sounds as if you’re nearly done but there are a few more things you’ll need to do. Like changing the keys!

good luck!

Is he taking care of everything at home? If you're the sole earner, I'd be expecting him to take care of kids and house. As they're school age this would be school runs, washing, cleaning, dinner, house jobs, admin etc. If so that sounds fair.

If he's not.. tell him that's what you expect now, with a nice long list of house jobs.

Somehing tells me he will soon find a job 😂 then you can reassess your relationship and if it's still not working, walk away without guilt.