I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

Sorry missed your update. Sounds like the issue is solved.

OP says he doesn't do anywhere near his fair share. Not even close.

"He does do washing, Hoovering etc when I’m working but tbh those jobs take 5 minutes really. He doesn’t cook or do anything major really."

She's also kicked him out which is great news!

Oops sorry cross posted!

‘you suggested this, why wouldn’t I have taken you up on this, anyone would have done the same’,

I thought you suggested so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants

He never said it was going to take him 8 months to figure that out, I guess you didn't ask either

Very rare thread on mn where the Op actually takes action. Well done for getting rid of the cock-lodger.

Time to say goodbye.

He tried to say that one of his DC has a lot going on and he can’t tell me about it because I’m so stressed and that’s really sad blah, blah…deflection always.

the more you write the more I think that the horrible boss at work was a deflection - you fell for this line and felt sorry for him, it gave him the opportunity to give up work and then blame you for him leaving. You didn't force him to leave and he is perfectly capable of making his own arrangements to find alternative work before leaving. This screams of manipulation

he couldn't find another job as he had the dc 50/50
he couldn't find a job because you only have one car

these aren't reasons they are excuses that back up the manipulation theory

It's 2 days now since you drove him to his parent's home, how is it going ?

has he been in touch ?

A relationship should add value to your life, someone to share good and bad, support each other, I’ve been where you are op. I was at rock bottom, in debt so badly I lived on £20 a week after bills. I got rid and was happily single, pulled myself out of it. Years later I met a new partner and my god have we been tested but we survived because at the end of the day we had eachother. Your worse off now, skint, no car, no holidays. He isn’t giving you anything you need. Do better for yourself and your kids and get rid!

How are you feeling, OP? Don't be surprised if you feel worse today or tomorrow. The high of having taken authoritative action can begin to dwindle, and then the fear sets in.

I did just want to say, although I'm sure many others have, you did not do this. You offered him time to figure out what he wanted from life and he chose professional bum. That wasn't part of the deal. What you've done since is be as supportive, adaptive, and tolerant as you possibly can be. He is taking the piss. Royally.

And that crap about his DC going through something he can't tell you about? Pure manipulation. He will likely make up a lie and have you promise not to say anything (conveniently. So he doesn't get caught). Don't fall for the trap, but remember, if you do, nothing is permanent. You can realise you've been manipulated and walk him right back out the door again.

I'm a bit concerned because you haven't been back since yesterday that you might be beginning to falter. Don't worry if you are. Come back and talk to us. A whole lot of us have been there and won't judge you at all.

Can anyone recommend where I can find a pretty fairy outfit for a 5 year old that is not made of polyester / glittery/ sparkly or pink! Thank you.

@SydneySara wrong thread?

This is a very good point, well done for sending him packing.

I hope you’re doing ok OP. I’m sorry he didn’t take financial responsibility for himself or his children, and put it on your plate. At the very least, he should have been doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, shopping, and school runs while you were out hustling. You know…being a stay at home parent. Sounds like he was being a stay at home parent minus the responsibilities. I hope you can build your savings back up for your sake and for the sake of your DC. I’m sorry he’s drained your savings and has prevented you from taking holidays with your DC. x

OP's ex-partner can make one for you. He's got a lot of free time on his hands.

Well done for prioritising your kids and your future relationship with them, OP and for not letting this leaching loser take money out of your and their pockets anymore. I bet your kids are so much happier.

It's been a few days now OP, I hope you're doing OK. How are your DC feeling about the whole thing?

Well done op

🤣🤣

Well done OP, you probably don't miss him as much as you thought you would as the resentment has been building for you. Hope it all works out for you.

Oh no no no. Time to count your losses, chalk it up as a lesson learned and get him out. He is playing with your emotions. Don’t over think, don’t worry about who wàs to blame, life is short. He will pick himself up, they always do, he’s a chancer. Sometimes people are just not what we thought and that’s ok. Stop blaming yourself for his behaviour, that’s not in your control that’s his doing!

@Vacumwondering injust want to say WELL done!!

I guess his laziness in the relationship will Follow thru in a break up and he will go off quietly and lick his wounds

Sorry I crashed this post with my previous requests for fairy outfits. I'm new to posting on this site and was doing it on my phone and thought I'd started a new thread. Basically I have no idea what I'm doing!

Don't worry!
At least you got some humour in your response.

@Vacumwondering . Here’s my bet for what your partner will do to get to move back in. It’s a 4 part strategy, he will work through the levels.

1. he will say he’s done what you wanted, thought about his behaviour and he will try harder to get some work, do a bit more about the house and with his kids. This is the vague and worthless promise stage.
2. he will say that all these bad things have been happening to him recently but he didn’t want to tell you because you were stressed / too focussed on your own issue. Eg his gran maybe has dementia, his budgie has died, his mum is sick. He will chose things that he knows will push your buttons - so if you were bullied at school he will say that’s happening to one of his children. This is the guilty trip stage.
3. If that doesn’t work, he will move onto stage three, where he attacks your personal integrity . This will work excellently on you because you like to think that you are a good honest person with integrity ( no doubt you are ). So he will say things like you never loved him, you lied to him and led him on, you’ve been dishonest and manipulative, you’ve harmed his children. Again whatever will push your buttons.
4. If that doesn’t work he will get really nasty and say anything that will hurt you . So if you’ve always liked his gran, he will say she never liked you and used to beg him to dump you. He will say your kids confided in him that they were scared of your bad temper and feel safer when he lives with you. That he’s discussed you with your best friend and she agrees with him. That he wanted to leave anyone because sex with you is so bad.

By this stage he’s realised that he’s not getting to move in again so the gloves are off, he will just say anything to hurt you since he’s leaving anyway. If he has another current option ( his mother , a new Gf lined up ) he may not bother to try stage 4, as that leaves you as back up plan .

Im guessing you are at stage 1 now.

I hope I’m wrong and you’ve kicked him into touch but I don’t think he will give up that easily. It’s not his first rodeo is it .