I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

@Yogatoga1 it’s not funny because it’s not the same situation. The woman who wants to give up work wants to do more at home and with her kids. However, OP has a partner who is expecting her to work AND do home/kids.

For now, you just say I put £x into this car, pay me the money i put in - just to the car that is and I will give it back.

Hi OP,
Stay strong. If you are still interested in a relationship with this man he needs to hold down a job, and date you over again and in time convince you he can pay his way and be responsible for his costs and children as well as pulling his weight in the house/with the children. Basically one hell of a turnaround.

Is he sure he wants the car at the moment- is he clear that if he has it then he pays for it? Are his family willing to pay the monthly payment? You mustn't pay a penny more for it if it is given back.

Don’t break now. Keep going x

Please don't take him back until he's found a job OP. You've done the hard part now and you'll just have to do it all over again! Have you pointed out to him that if he wants the car back he'll have to take over the payments?

His family must be desperate to have the leech taken off their hands again.

The neck of them offering to 'lend' you money for a car if you take him and his children away. I'd write a list of what he's cost you since giving up work and ask them if they'd like to repay that loan for him.

Don't take him back. You're 90% there. Don't go backwards.

Ha ha ha. Of course they want you to take him back. They made him. They get to keep him. As for the money, I agree with the comments that you itemise what you have spent on the car and ask for it back… or ask for the amount you got for your car.

Draw a line in the sand, @Vacumwondering .

Don't ever take him back. Leopards, spots, et cetera.
You won't get back the money you wasted.
Return the car before he turns nasty.
Use the money you've hitherto wasted on this cocklodger on funding a loan to buy a cheap used car.

And live your life!

@Vacumwondering

His family have been in contact and want me to take him back.

Of course they do. He's now in their space and they prefer him to be anywhere else - especially yours, so they're willing to bribe you with car finance, etc. Remember taking him back means taking his children back and going back to ground zero - from when he moved in with you. If you don't want that (and you shouldn't) stay strong. Also talk to your parents, if possible, and see if they'll help you with some short term finance so you can get your own decent car and let him have his back before he causes trouble for you - and immediately stop paying for his car or anything to do with it. As you won't be financially supporting him nor his children yiu should be able to repay your family back in a reasonable timeframe.

If you haven't done so already change your locks. This man has no conscience and could easily just let himself back in if there's any possibility of him having a spare set of keys to your home - don't take chances. Also get a door chain to put on the inside of your front door and you and your DC get in the habit of using it every time before you open the door and/or check who's outside if you have a camera doorbell.

Do not pay any more visits to his family or get involved in any correspondence with them - they are trying to send their problem back in your direction and, as everyone says, don't borrow from them or accept cash from them - unless they're paying you back for what you've paid for their son's car - and follow up in writing that they're twisting their son's debt - not making you a loan or a gift. Let them all go - they don't add anything positive to your life. 🌹

I agree that it’s really telling that mummy and daddy have been in contact to try to get you to take him back. It sounds like you’re discussing a child not an adult man and father!

I do think that prioritising cutting the car-related tie is important. What happened to the money you got from selling your car?

Given that you could and can afford your life on your salary (including running that car), how much were you having to subsidise him that you’ve ended up borrowing money and car-less? Working that out and showing him (and his family) in black and white quite how much he has cost you because of his refusal to get a job might be useful.

If nothing else, looking at the figure in black and white for yourself will be sobering and help to ensure you decide to not end up in the position of subsidising him again.

Defintely work out the figure that he has cost you, whether just for yourself or to explain to his family why you don't want him back.

If you have family who can help you out with a car in the short-term, I'd be asking them to do so.

You really do need to give him the car you are currently driving despite the fact you've been paying for it, given it's registered in his name; he could technically report you for stealing it if you don't give it back pronto.

Work out how much you think you’ve bank rolled him and ask for a percentage as a pay off to finally end the relationship for good.

hopefully it will be a reasonable amount towards a car.

stay strong OP 💐💐💐💐

I'm afraid I have to agree with the other posters saying cut your losses and run.

Leave the car on his mummy's driveway, cancel all payments to him/his car/his phone/anything else that's his if you haven't already and walk away.

Don't see or speak to him or his family again.

You need to sit down and work out how much money you have paid towards the car - how much are you paying monthly? Surely that could go towards a smaller car and less finance? Is it one when there’s debt at the end to pay off?

Of course his family wants you to take the mooch back ... because they want him to stop mooching off of them!

Tell him he owes you XXX amount of pounds for whatever bills/expenses/car bills you've been paying for him, but you'd be willing to accept him signing over the car to you instead.

Agree with PPs, tell his family what amount you've paid into his car and ask for the repayment of that to you. Don't accept a loan at all - what a joke.

' I don’t have any money to get another so his family have said they will help me with this (because be has taken all my money) but again this ties me to them! '

let them - tell them how much his car has cost YOU
see what response they give
they may feel so bad that their son has taken you for a ride
and they may be willing to compensate you
without ties !!!

they may not realise how much he has cost you, they may not know how much his car is every month.

until you tell them, they don't know anything.

but all discussion takes place via phone or email now, you do not need to be visiting them / him at their home !

You rolled the equity of your car, when you sold it, into his car. You deserve that money back. And not as a “loan”.

Yes!

Dear CL's mummy and daddy,
(Cl = Cocklodger btw)

We sold my car and agreed to roll the equity into CL's car. This is because I have already been paying for the finance and the insurance on it. For the last 8 months.

It was also agreed I drive it because I have been paying all his bills - including his phone bill, his DC’s clubs. All the food, household utilities. For 8 months.

I will not be taking you up on your offer for a loan. However, I am happy to transfer an itemised bill to you of each loan I bailed him out with so he was able to pay for X,Y&Z for both him and his DC. As this was always known to be a loan until he gets a new job. But since he has been so resistant to secure one. I can no longer fund his lifestyle but I do still expected to be reimbursed for the last 8 months.

So while I won't take you up on the offer to help me out with a car. I will accept the repayments for the X amount that I lent him since X date last year.

This. Invoice the fucker.

Absolutely this.

Keep hold of the car, tell him that he can collect it just as soon as he has paid the £X you have paid for repayments, road fund license and insurance, and that then you very much to his family for the offer of a loan to buy another car, but you'd prefer it if they used that money to free him from the debt on his car to you.

They might or they might not, but don't hand the car over until you've tried it.

Tell the family you’ve covered his share of the bills for the last few months while he opted not to pull his Weight, so you have in reality given him a lot of money already. Probably financed him to the tune of 3k. Your own families financial situation is less secure as a result of financing him so he will need to wait for the car to be returned.

Oh my you have had some excellent advice please take there advice. @AelinAshriver I couldn't agree with you more so very well said.amd perfectly put.

I think deserves and what will pan out will be very different with these kinds of people. Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. I can’t see you getting the money back, sorry. I wouldn’t want to be sucked into a downward spiral arguing. But that just my opinion. Nothing wrong with making the demand I suppose.

How are you doing @Vacumwondering ?