Friend cancelled trip

[Gotthetshirt1]

Got big birthday coming up. One of my best mates suggested doing a minibreak abroad to celebrate (both of us paying for ourselves) - just the 2 of us. This felt like a really nice considerate thing for them to have thought of so I said yes and was really looking forward to it.

Fast forward a few months after loads - i mean loads - of DMs between us of possible date & flight combinations. My friend still wasnt confirming dates and flights were getting dearer so I said shall we book now so everything's firmed up? They replied theyre now going abroad for a different friend's birthday so cant afford the trip theyd suggested for mine and could we just go out for lunch instead.

When theyd suggested the trip they said they really wanted to do something special to mark the occasion (I wouldnt have suggested it myself as it would have felt too much to assume a friend would want or be able to spend on a trip away for my birthday).

Now it feels crap that theyve pulled it to do another trip with someone else. In my head this basically equates to i dont want to spend time and money on this after all even though id said how important it was we do something really special for you, im dropping you for a trip ive been invited to since i suggested ours, if we do lunch instead (which we do quite often) youll still feel ive 'made an effort' for your milestone birthday so ill still tick that box.

Shes a really close friend and its a friendship i value - I was really looking forward to our time away together as we always have a lot of fun. But cancelling something really nice - that theyd suggested - feels really inconsiderate and Im hurt by it (if you wouldnt be hurt thats fine - Im articulating how I feel). Noone wants to or can afford to do everything so if shed said really sorry but I just cant afford it any more fair enough but essentially feels like shes invited me to something then had a better offer (even though our trip was her own idea).

Would anyone else feel miffed at a really good friend cancelling a birthday trip theyd suggested in the first place, saying theyve chosen to spend their time and money on another friend instead? (If you couldnt care less about friends cancelling no need to respond). Thanks.

I would feel miffed too. I think you should be honest with your friend about this, it is really bad form.

Yes I'd be rather miffed and pretty hurt. As you said, they suggested it, and they've replaced you with someone else!

Yes, it's shitty.

That’s so selfish of your friend! I’d be upset too. What a rubbish reason to cancel on you.

That's rubbish, unfortunately she doesn't value you as much and you do her.

Then Im thinking why suggest doing it to start with?

Really shitty OP. Your feelings are valid.

if you haven’t responded already I wouldn’t bother, let her sweat it.

Because she thought she would like to do it with you when she proposed it but then got a better offer from someone she is more eager to impress.

I'd start calling her 99p from now on

(Flake)

She probably thought as she was the one that suggested it, she can also change her mind. But I agree it's a shoddy way to treat someone and I'd be telling her that

yes, really unpleasant on many levels.
First to cancel at all.
Second to cancel after being the one to suggest it and building it up through all the discussion about flights, hotels, etc. If she had any doubt about not being able to afford it she should have just not suggested it in the first place and you would have been happy with the meal.
Third to outright tell you that she's dropping you in favour of someone else - there was no need to add that. this is where a 'I'm really sorry I've just calculated and with general cost of living etc I don't think I can afford our trip,' white lie would have been appropriate.

I wouldn't want to go out to lunch with her to 'celebrate' the birthday, after that. I'd feel distinctly cool towards her for a while. The friendship will take a while to recover, and she'd do well to reflect on that.

I’d like to be the bigger person but in reality I don’t think I’d ever speak to her again. There is absolutely no excuse or reason for her to be such a wanker. I’m sorry @Gotthetshirt1 , I had a best friend like that and it’s devastating. It’s not about you not being lovely company though, it’s about her being awful.

I'd be more than miffed to be dropped after months of 'planning'. I put planning in inverted commas as I think she was future faking you.

Sadly I agree - she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about her. maybe she thought you wouldn't want to go on a mini break so was 'safe' to suggest it, but got sucked in, once you had agreed. Either way it's a shitty thing to do to a good friend.

Also on a hierarchy of 'special' - to me a lunch comes below dinner / evening out, so in my mind you've been relegated 2 divisions, 3 if you grade a mini break abroad above a mini break in the UK. Especially as you regularly lunch - nothing special there - unless she takes you somewhere really nice and pays for you both.

Not sure on the best way to respond - I'd certainly want to reflect carefully or I'd be sending passive aggressive catty comments which would just add fuel to the fire.

Im going away for a friends 60th. She asked a few of us our availability, once enough said yes she booked it. Then asked for our £. It's not until end of April but she booked it in early Feb. We are now committed! But she cleverly arranged it enough in advance that if people started pulling out before they paid she could either ask another or cancel without penalty, and once deposit (over 75%) paid people unlikely to not go. .
I expect your friend genuinely wanted and planned to go away with you, but another friend suggest perhaps a more elaborate/bigger birthday getaway and she can't do both and unfortunately for you the other trip was more attractive. Maybe it's all been organised so she has to do nothing other than pay, whereas yours was going to take more work. Who knows. But yes, crappy thing to do and I'd be pretty cool with her for a while.

I’d be really hurt by that. Do you have the kind of relationship where you can tell her how you’re feeling?

I'd be hurt too OP.
She's had what she sees as a better offer.
I'd tell her to politely shove her lunch and not have anything more to do with her .

I can really understand why you suggested OP's "friend" should have told a white lie and said she couldn't afford it anymore - OP may have been disappointed but not hurt. But she would maybe never have realised that her "friend" had deceived her and treated her like shit.
And it's highly possible that OP will find out anyway at some point 🤷‍♀️

Wow, some friend!

Time to make new friends. You don't deserve that.

It sounds to me as if she’s used your birthday as an excuse to get away because she wants a holiday and now she’s had a better offer and she’s cancelled.

Honestly, that’s just awful. I’m not sure how you express that though without looking unreasonable so I think I would slowly exit the friendship because she clearly is not honest nor acts with integrity.

The other friend is someone we both know, so yes Id have likely realised from the flurry of photos on social

I'd be very tempted to say, no that's OK ill arrange lunch with someone else don't want to risk ending up doing nothing

Well it does feel very awkward now. Ive not seen her in person since but as soon as she cancelled our trip she was bigging up the 'special lunch' like I was meant to be overjoyed she can spare me time for that and asking me to tell her where I wanted to go. I just cant imagine cancelling birthday plans on someone unless my family was in dire straits or some other emergency, cos Id recognise itd make them feel like such an after-thought

This is where I am at the moment as its pi@@ed me off so much. I feel a mug for making myself available for her after this. My life is crazy hectic and I bust a gut to make sure I invest in friendships. Second guessing that now.