Friend cancelled trip

[Gotthetshirt1]

Got big birthday coming up. One of my best mates suggested doing a minibreak abroad to celebrate (both of us paying for ourselves) - just the 2 of us. This felt like a really nice considerate thing for them to have thought of so I said yes and was really looking forward to it.

Fast forward a few months after loads - i mean loads - of DMs between us of possible date & flight combinations. My friend still wasnt confirming dates and flights were getting dearer so I said shall we book now so everything's firmed up? They replied theyre now going abroad for a different friend's birthday so cant afford the trip theyd suggested for mine and could we just go out for lunch instead.

When theyd suggested the trip they said they really wanted to do something special to mark the occasion (I wouldnt have suggested it myself as it would have felt too much to assume a friend would want or be able to spend on a trip away for my birthday).

Now it feels crap that theyve pulled it to do another trip with someone else. In my head this basically equates to i dont want to spend time and money on this after all even though id said how important it was we do something really special for you, im dropping you for a trip ive been invited to since i suggested ours, if we do lunch instead (which we do quite often) youll still feel ive 'made an effort' for your milestone birthday so ill still tick that box.

Shes a really close friend and its a friendship i value - I was really looking forward to our time away together as we always have a lot of fun. But cancelling something really nice - that theyd suggested - feels really inconsiderate and Im hurt by it (if you wouldnt be hurt thats fine - Im articulating how I feel). Noone wants to or can afford to do everything so if shed said really sorry but I just cant afford it any more fair enough but essentially feels like shes invited me to something then had a better offer (even though our trip was her own idea).

Would anyone else feel miffed at a really good friend cancelling a birthday trip theyd suggested in the first place, saying theyve chosen to spend their time and money on another friend instead? (If you couldnt care less about friends cancelling no need to respond). Thanks.

Great that you have other things planned too. Don't responded, wait for her to sort 'lunch' then tell her you're busy!

I would say you (her) were the one who suggested it - we have discussed it tons and now you want to drop a trip with me to go away with someone else and we have lunch instead? erm no thanks. I would then be very unlikely to be bothering with her again. It was her bloody idea - I could understand it if you had strong armed her into it.

Sorry I cross posted with you OP. I'm so glad to hear you have other fab things planned for your birthday. I hope they are all great!

I wouldn't want to entertain her paltry lunch offer though. If she responds apologetically and you want to maintain the friendship (albeit in a more guarded way) say your next joint lunch will need to wait as you have a lot planned for your birthday with various different people.

I’d be telling her you are disappointed as you were looking forward to it and had the money aside just for it.

I wouldnt say anything about lunch then. She’ll ask you herself (and if she doesn’t then you’ll know anyway)

You’ll have to decide whether you want to carry on with the friendship (and what sort of friendship). And then decide what you want to do regarding ‘lunch’ so you can answer back to her.

I'm sorry this happened to you! Something very similar happened to me for my 40th birthday. I got rid of the "flaky" friend and made room in my life for much nicer and more considerate people.

She's not much of a friend. If she keeps going on about the 'special lunch', just say you've got plans to wash your hair.

I'd be so hurt by this and would tell her so. I'd want to see genuine reflection and apology to forgive her tbh.

Glad you've got other fun stuff planned OP.

I agree.

No from the outset wed said we were doing it cheap as chips. Her budget is a bit less than mine and i always factor that in to what we do together. Thats why i was surprised but thrilled that shed even suggested it. And id asked straightaway if she was sure about it and shed said absolutely, youre only XX once, lets go to town yadda yadda.

Ha, something similar has happened to me regarding a big birthday I have coming up. I would have been perfectly happy going away on my own on a trip but a friend said she wanted to come. So we discussed it in detail, made plans, she would never commit. After weeks she said that she is going on another trip shortly before so can't come, and now after all her dithering the flights and hotels have gone up in price so much that doing the trip on my own is no longer viable. She has talked about how we can go in the autumn instead, but I'm not interested. She's not having another chance to ruin a trip for me.

I would decline the lunch, OP. Her trying to oversell it would really grate.

Sorry that happened to you. Its so shit being let down by people.

Aw god that is so annoying. Do they live in a vacuum where actions have no consequences or what? Did you tell them their dithering and cancelling then meant you couldnt go at all?

Sorry I wasn’t very clear, that trip was instead of our trip as was at the same time of year we had planned. She never mentioned our plans again despite all the planning we had previously done. So I was ditched and she never told me, her friends did. Obviously her choice and she’s was allowed to do that, but obviously being dumped hurt. If she’d been upfront and explained to me that’s she’d had another opportunity and been upfront, it would have been less hurtful, after all I’m a grown up woman and we live far away from one another. Anyway I never mentioned it, there was no point. I then later that year got married (second time round) and she made her excuses. The friendship just fizzled.

@Gotthetshirt1 Yes, I did tell her that. I am actually going somewhere else for my birthday (fortunately there are many places I want to visit, so I found cheap flights to one of them instead!), so it isn't ruined. I haven't told her that though. :-) I think she feels a bit guilty about it, tbh. I am not going to make a big thing about it, but I will also not be putting myself in that position again.

I'd be very, very tempted to say yes, sure, let's do lunch, how terribly gracious you are to find a slot for me in your incredibly busy social calendar. Then choose somewhere very expensive, preferably with a cover charge, and leave her sitting there like a lemon on the day before you ghost her once and for all.

She doesn't deserve you as a friend; time to find some better friends!

I'm so sorry this has happened, is there something you can do just for you to make your day special? X

I see. That's rubbish of her, I'm sorry!

And she never told you herself? Thats even worse. Finding out from other friends must have been pretty hurtful.

Im starting to think maybe assume people will let you down and if they dont its a bonus. Which is a pretty sad state of mind but there you go. When I mentioned to my friend id paused planning a separate trip til she was ready to book and it was now way more expensive, she just said oh thats great youre still able to go away anyway, like it somehow replaced our trip even though that one was planned way before. Its total lack of consideration.

That's really shit @Gotthetshirt1 - I'm sorry your friend has done this.

I think you're right to say something...but formulating exactly what is tricky, especially as this seems to be the first time (but what a time to pick!) that your friend has shown this side and you want to maintain the friendship (I'm not sure I would now...it would certainly drop down a level or two).

I wouldn't do the lunch as I would want my birthday memories to be all the other lovely things you have planned, not this consolation prize she has offered. Not that I would necessarily share that with her.

I think I would have to say so,etching.

”Erm, we had agreed to go together at your suggestion. Now despite all of our chat and planning you now tell me that you can’t because you are paying out to do it for someone else’s birthday instead? Can you see how hurtful that is? I’ll pass on lunch thanks.”

She sounds very inconsiderate. I would take a few steps back from this friendship and concentrate your time on energy on people who are better friends than this one.

This would end the friendship for me.
I would not respond.
I have never ghosted anyone in my life but I would in this instance.
She is not your friend.

Very shitty behaviour. I would just say to her not to worry about lunch, and maybe go away yourself??

If this is actually the case then I would tell her how upset and let down I am.

I think this is the best reply really.

It will quickly clarify things - she'll either be gutted that she has caused such hurt and the friendship will mend in time or it will end the friendship. If it is the latter than it probably will anyway over something else in the future if you don't say something about this.

She’s awful. No wonder you’re hurt. I would be too. I don’t know what I’d say or do to be honest but I certainly wouldn’t be going to lunch with her!