Friend cancelled trip

[Gotthetshirt1]

Got big birthday coming up. One of my best mates suggested doing a minibreak abroad to celebrate (both of us paying for ourselves) - just the 2 of us. This felt like a really nice considerate thing for them to have thought of so I said yes and was really looking forward to it.

Fast forward a few months after loads - i mean loads - of DMs between us of possible date & flight combinations. My friend still wasnt confirming dates and flights were getting dearer so I said shall we book now so everything's firmed up? They replied theyre now going abroad for a different friend's birthday so cant afford the trip theyd suggested for mine and could we just go out for lunch instead.

When theyd suggested the trip they said they really wanted to do something special to mark the occasion (I wouldnt have suggested it myself as it would have felt too much to assume a friend would want or be able to spend on a trip away for my birthday).

Now it feels crap that theyve pulled it to do another trip with someone else. In my head this basically equates to i dont want to spend time and money on this after all even though id said how important it was we do something really special for you, im dropping you for a trip ive been invited to since i suggested ours, if we do lunch instead (which we do quite often) youll still feel ive 'made an effort' for your milestone birthday so ill still tick that box.

Shes a really close friend and its a friendship i value - I was really looking forward to our time away together as we always have a lot of fun. But cancelling something really nice - that theyd suggested - feels really inconsiderate and Im hurt by it (if you wouldnt be hurt thats fine - Im articulating how I feel). Noone wants to or can afford to do everything so if shed said really sorry but I just cant afford it any more fair enough but essentially feels like shes invited me to something then had a better offer (even though our trip was her own idea).

Would anyone else feel miffed at a really good friend cancelling a birthday trip theyd suggested in the first place, saying theyve chosen to spend their time and money on another friend instead? (If you couldnt care less about friends cancelling no need to respond). Thanks.

It's really hurtful and confusing behaviour. My (then) closest friend cancelled on me ON my birthday. We were supposed to be going out for dinner but she texted a couple of hours before we were due to meet to say she was tired and could we do it another time. There were other occasions of selfishness and flakiness too, such as flaking out of picking me up from the hospital and staying with me for 24 hours after a GA, leaving me in a last-minute panic trying to find someone else to do it. We are no longer friends.

I would re-evaluate. You say she's normally considerate, but is she really? Does she prioritise you? Can you rely on her? Does the friendship make you feel good?

Really hurtful for her to do that, it would be one thing if she just realised she couldn’t afford it but to say she’s now going with someone else? That’s a really shitty thing to do

Completely understandable that you feel the way you do.

Sounds like a very "me, me, me" friend disguised as thinking about other people. She wanted a break away so suggested a mini break for your birthday, she's since had another offer and is no longer bothered about your arrangements as she's still getting what she wanted all along - a break away.

Any communication since she messaged you cancelling? Apologies if I've missed it.

Thats hurtful would def call her out on it too. Find people insincere now.

I hope you have other friends you can replace her with op.

On the odd occasion this has happened to me, on a much smaller scale, is always been my closest/ oldest friends. It’s almost like the friendship is so solid they feel they can do as they like, and it will weather any situation. No doubt her newer friendships are less secure, and still require lots of investment. So she could cancel yours knowing you would likely tolerate it. She didn’t want to miss the other opportunity, so she hedged her bets she could convert (downgrade) you to a lunch.

She has become a CF, and left unchecked she will continue to use you as a doormat and a free option.

In my case I did challenge it, and be prepared to hear that you are being the unreasonable one, that she was put in an awful position. It should have been an easy decision to make if she had valued your feelings and friendship… please update us. I hope it goes well op.

@Gotthetshirt1 I’d be really hurt. I’d have to say something like ‘hang on a minute, it was your idea NOT to do lunch and do something extra special, we’ve spent ages trying to get flights to suit your timings (and the price has gone up) and you seem to think it’s ok to cancel on me and choose to do a different trip.’ Obviously not so blunt as that but … yeah, sucks!

I'm so sorry this happened and she treated you like this. Honestly, if it was me, I would make an excuse to cancel the lunch. She will know exactly why you've cancelled it too and then its up to her if she wants to talk about it. I think 'having it out' with people like this is pointless because if she was a decent person who valued your friendship, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. Not sure she will have an excuse that will make you feel better about it. And, quite frankly, you are likely to feel worse. I would cancel the lunch and then distance yourself from her.