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Original poster

Friend cancelled trip

133 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 16/03/2024 12:56

Got big birthday coming up. One of my best mates suggested doing a minibreak abroad to celebrate (both of us paying for ourselves) - just the 2 of us. This felt like a really nice considerate thing for them to have thought of so I said yes and was really looking forward to it.

Fast forward a few months after loads - i mean loads - of DMs between us of possible date & flight combinations. My friend still wasnt confirming dates and flights were getting dearer so I said shall we book now so everything's firmed up? They replied theyre now going abroad for a different friend's birthday so cant afford the trip theyd suggested for mine and could we just go out for lunch instead.

When theyd suggested the trip they said they really wanted to do something special to mark the occasion (I wouldnt have suggested it myself as it would have felt too much to assume a friend would want or be able to spend on a trip away for my birthday).

Now it feels crap that theyve pulled it to do another trip with someone else. In my head this basically equates to i dont want to spend time and money on this after all even though id said how important it was we do something really special for you, im dropping you for a trip ive been invited to since i suggested ours, if we do lunch instead (which we do quite often) youll still feel ive 'made an effort' for your milestone birthday so ill still tick that box.

Shes a really close friend and its a friendship i value - I was really looking forward to our time away together as we always have a lot of fun. But cancelling something really nice - that theyd suggested - feels really inconsiderate and Im hurt by it (if you wouldnt be hurt thats fine - Im articulating how I feel). Noone wants to or can afford to do everything so if shed said really sorry but I just cant afford it any more fair enough but essentially feels like shes invited me to something then had a better offer (even though our trip was her own idea).

Would anyone else feel miffed at a really good friend cancelling a birthday trip theyd suggested in the first place, saying theyve chosen to spend their time and money on another friend instead? (If you couldnt care less about friends cancelling no need to respond). Thanks.

OP posts:
easylikeasundaymorn · 16/03/2024 17:10

Cesarina · 16/03/2024 13:41

I can really understand why you suggested OP's "friend" should have told a white lie and said she couldn't afford it anymore - OP may have been disappointed but not hurt. But she would maybe never have realised that her "friend" had deceived her and treated her like shit.
And it's highly possible that OP will find out anyway at some point 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

the point was it was unnecessary to add salt on the wound by referring to the other trip within the cancellation message to OP.

If OP subsequently found out she could have said the other trip had been booked for months, she thought she could also afford a second one with OP but then realised she couldn't. Or the other trip was heavily reduced (stayed for free with friend of a friend, other friend had free airmiles) or any other reason.

Likely it might not have upset OP so much if OP happened to see a few photos after her birthday, compared to making it very blatant that she's changed her mind because she got a better offer.

123sunshine · 16/03/2024 17:14

Gotthetshirt1 · 16/03/2024 15:32

And she never told you herself? Thats even worse. Finding out from other friends must have been pretty hurtful.

Im starting to think maybe assume people will let you down and if they dont its a bonus. Which is a pretty sad state of mind but there you go. When I mentioned to my friend id paused planning a separate trip til she was ready to book and it was now way more expensive, she just said oh thats great youre still able to go away anyway, like it somehow replaced our trip even though that one was planned way before. Its total lack of consideration.

Show quote history

It’s a horrid way for you to be treated. Sadly lots of people are selfish. I’ve been burned a few times, it’s made me keep my distance to avoid disappointment. Your friend’s response would have really annoyed me. Personally I’d just distance myself from the friendship, she’s not the friend you thought she was. But you can’t change how she acts
or feels, so move on and focus on better friendships.

MissMarchple · 16/03/2024 17:21

I would be upset with this. I would honestly not be bothered with the friendship going forward.

The main thing for me would be the fact that she's actually told you she had booked something else with another friend. To me, that says not only are you not as important (which happens) but more pertinently, she doesn't care that you know. Most people would try and protect the other person's feelings and be tactful about it.

I probably wouldn't reply saying how you feel as I suspect you may get a faux surprised 'oh don't be like that!' response. I'd just ignore and distance myself from the friendship.

Dartwarbler · 16/03/2024 17:22

Gotthetshirt1 · 16/03/2024 15:10

Thanks for all the replies. I have other things going on for my birthday so im not concerned that i wont have a lovely day. This post was really about not knowing how to respond to my friend as this is uncharacteristic behaviour for them and its blindsided me that she could do it without seeing how hurtful it was. I agree shes likely making a fuss about the lunch to try to make amends, but at this point that feels very forced and false now - I can picture us there with her saying see? I said wed still have a marvellous time! - and I dont even want to go.

Ok, if you are hesitant in ending friendship….may be worth sending her a longer written message to equivalent of “I’m curious as to why you’ve pulled out of your suggestion to go away with me for my birthday . This is very uncharacteristic of you, and I was blindsided by the way you seemed to be unaware that it was hurtful it was to say you were effectively deprioritising your kind offer. It is so uncharacteristic of you, I wondered if there was something else going on behind this decision? “

if she gets snarky, or doesn’t reply you know she’s not in least bit shamed by what’s she’s done and you can decide to cool friendship knowing she’s not worth it

if she steps out of herself, realises how shocked you are, and comes back with a “no nothing els3 but I now see it was hurtful to do that…I’m sorry” or a “ oh shit, god , yes, here’s where the problem was etc etc”. Then you’ll be able to decide to forgive and have a good other options to celebratectogther

Original poster
Gotthetshirt1 · 16/03/2024 17:24

Ilovelurchers · 16/03/2024 16:59

I totally understand your annoyance OP. The real kicker is that she can't afford it because she is going away with another friend, so (ostensibly at least) prioritising that friendship over her one with you.

To ameliorate the upset slightly, are any of the following possible:

A) the "friend" she is going away with is actually a current or potential love interest? Tho I would still feel neglected, I would probably forgive easier if a friend ditched me because the chance came up to go away with the love of their life. (Tho i'd prefer them to explain that.)

B) you have a lot more money than her and she struggles to keep up with you spending-wise on trips, and now the chance has come up to go away with someone who will match her budget more. (I have a friend who earns a lot less than me who I like to go away with occasionally, so I tend to pay for the accommodation for us all, and she just pays petrol or whatever - you have to have a very close friendship for something like that to feel ok tho).

C) she had actually arranged the other trip before yours, then realised she can't afford both, so feels it's right to honour the first commitment?

Either way it's still annoying. If she is a really good friend though it may not be worth falling out over. Just maybe don't rush to arrange a trip with her in future.....

Hope your birthday is lovely anyway!

No, not a love interest. Shes going with two girl friends, both of which I know.

The trip shes going on now is a flash the cash extravaganza. Ours wasnt.

The second trip was started and paid for during the time she was messaging me with date and location ideas. It wasnt already happening when she suggested our trip.

So yeah, annoying on all 3 counts.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 16/03/2024 17:27

I hate to say it, but I wonder why you weren't invited on the other trip as you know the people going and she knew you were free on those dates.

Fortitudinal · 16/03/2024 17:28

You can’t go to the fakey lunch OP. What a crap friend she’s been.

What are you planning to say to her now?

user1471538283 · 16/03/2024 17:35

I wouldn't bother again. She can stick her lunch.

I was suppose to go away with an old friend for one of my big birthdays. Lots of back and forth. It never happened. Nothing happened including a text to see if I'd survived the pandemic.

It's very upsetting. It felt like I just wasn't important enough.

Original poster
Gotthetshirt1 · 16/03/2024 17:40

rookiemere · 16/03/2024 17:27

I hate to say it, but I wonder why you weren't invited on the other trip as you know the people going and she knew you were free on those dates.

I know them through circumstance, so distant acquaintances to me but friends to her. So no that would not have been on the cards at all.

OP posts:
Joeylove88 · 16/03/2024 17:44

If my 'friend' did that to me it would more than likely be a deal breaker for me in terms of the friendship. I would not be going to lunch with her and I certainly wouldnt be making any effort with her going forward. I know its so difficult when the friendship has been so long but your better off without friends who think its okay to replace you for better options as and when they please. You dont have to be mean about it but I would back right off and politley decline her invitation to go for a birthday lunch. Make plans with other friends and only invest in people who truly value your friendship.

rookiemere · 16/03/2024 18:02

That's totally rubbish then @Gotthetshirt1 clearly she fancied the other trip more, but even at that point she could have handled it graciously with a telephone call and an abject apology and a date in the future.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 16/03/2024 18:18

Dartwarbler · 16/03/2024 17:22

Ok, if you are hesitant in ending friendship….may be worth sending her a longer written message to equivalent of “I’m curious as to why you’ve pulled out of your suggestion to go away with me for my birthday . This is very uncharacteristic of you, and I was blindsided by the way you seemed to be unaware that it was hurtful it was to say you were effectively deprioritising your kind offer. It is so uncharacteristic of you, I wondered if there was something else going on behind this decision? “

if she gets snarky, or doesn’t reply you know she’s not in least bit shamed by what’s she’s done and you can decide to cool friendship knowing she’s not worth it

if she steps out of herself, realises how shocked you are, and comes back with a “no nothing els3 but I now see it was hurtful to do that…I’m sorry” or a “ oh shit, god , yes, here’s where the problem was etc etc”. Then you’ll be able to decide to forgive and have a good other options to celebratectogther

Show quote history

This is a great suggestion - honest, mature, and giving the opportunity to really make things better.

Original poster
Gotthetshirt1 · 16/03/2024 18:32

user1471538283 · 16/03/2024 17:35

I wouldn't bother again. She can stick her lunch.

I was suppose to go away with an old friend for one of my big birthdays. Lots of back and forth. It never happened. Nothing happened including a text to see if I'd survived the pandemic.

It's very upsetting. It felt like I just wasn't important enough.

Sorry you had that experience. Why do people do this to start with? If you dont want to do whatever / wont be in a position to do whatever, dont string your friend along given theyre likely declining other things to prioritise time theyve already committed to spending with you. I often hear people saying 'oh but theyre people pleasers, they find it difficult to say no' (not what happened to me here as they invited me not the other way around) - letting people down by doing this then cancelling is the opposite of people pleasing surely.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 16/03/2024 18:40

Not nice I think suit yourself going forward. She def is flaky

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 16/03/2024 18:41

This is dreadful behaviour on her part, OP.
I would drop her like a stone.

savethatkitty · 16/03/2024 18:44

It's a shitty move. Personally I'd be distancing myself from said friend & I would be telling her exactly why!

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/03/2024 18:51

Shitty behaviour on her part. Friendship-killing behaviour, really.

"Well it does feel very awkward now. Ive not seen her in person since but as soon as she cancelled our trip she was bigging up the 'special lunch' like I was meant to be overjoyed she can spare me time for that and asking me to tell her where I wanted to go."

Tell her where I wanted to go? I think I'd be telling her where I wanted her to go! No, she doesn't get to do that. She can stick her 'special lunch' up her arse. I'm afraid my sarcasm gland would be overactive in responding to her, probably along the lines of 'I'm sure you'll understand if I don't suggest a lunch venue, I wouldn't want to be made to think there was the slightest chance we'd be going for lunch'. And I would bloody well hope she DID take offence!

Folklore9074 · 16/03/2024 19:29

Uggh this is shitty behavior. I just loath people that don't respect my time.

Had this a while back with one friend, not as big a deal as going away but something that took time and annual leave. They pulled out a week before saying they had forgotten about the thing we were supposed to do and made another plan. Obviously this is a bit different to your situation where it's a big birthday, still it was my time and money, and I am pretty damn busy as well. I didn't say too much, didn't want to get into a spat about it or end the friendship over it (they are a good person essentially but don't massively appreciate other people's time). I have however made it clear that I'm only free weekends now, more plans that require annual leave and big chucks of money are off the table for the foreseeable.

It sounds like you are going to have a good time for this big birthday anyway. I would send a neutral reply and say no worries, but you can't do the lunch. Then have a bit of distance. Maybe pick the friendship back up when you feel over this a bit, if you want.

Cesarina · 16/03/2024 20:05

easylikeasundaymorn · 16/03/2024 17:10

the point was it was unnecessary to add salt on the wound by referring to the other trip within the cancellation message to OP.

If OP subsequently found out she could have said the other trip had been booked for months, she thought she could also afford a second one with OP but then realised she couldn't. Or the other trip was heavily reduced (stayed for free with friend of a friend, other friend had free airmiles) or any other reason.

Likely it might not have upset OP so much if OP happened to see a few photos after her birthday, compared to making it very blatant that she's changed her mind because she got a better offer.

Show quote history

@easylikeasundaymorn
I get your point, but to me, your suggestion as to what OP's "friend" could have said to try and justify her shitty behaviour is far worse than OP knowing she has basically been dropped in favour of a different friend.
It's bad enough that OP's "friend" has ditched her, but for the "friend" to lie in an attempt to get herself off the hook, and to try and trick OP in order to keep her friendship is so disingenuous and insulting.
Had the "friend" done what you suggest, it may have given the OP the impression and hope that she still had a good "friend", whereas knowing that the "friend" had got a better deal simply reveals the horrible truth that maybe her "friend" isn't such a good one after all.

Tbry24 · 16/03/2024 20:08

Do something special for you, do not go for lunch with this fake friend. I saved up for a weekend away last year with my ‘best friend’ (I was being expected to pay for both of us ) only to find out many months later that she has no intention of going away with me was then extremely rude to me and it’s still awful. I was and still am devastated as it’s a friend of 30plus years.

I have the money now still saved in the bank a year later to spend on me but don’t even want to spend it due to all the hurt involved. Since then she’s not even bothered to see me and I mentioned meeting up this year (we lived different parts of the country so can’t just pop in) as we have big birthdays and as expected got a no…..not free on any date at all this year. So now I’ve given up on the friendship.

Tbry24 · 16/03/2024 20:09

Also enjoy your big birthday, I’m dreading mine tbh because of the reasons above and toxic family. Trying to think of something to do alone.

MsRosley · 17/03/2024 08:00

God, people are disappointing, aren't they? So sorry you're in the situation, OP. I agree you should tell her straight that you're upset. Yes, you run the risk that the friendship isn't the same again, but then it's not the friendship you thought you had anyway. Nothing to do but grieve it and move on, unless you get a fulsome apology and a sincere attempt to make amends. Which is unlikely, sadly.

hopscotcher · 17/03/2024 08:45

I'd be equally annoyed by this. I'd try to express my feelings to her very clearly. "I'm not happy that you..." and let her response to that guide you as to what to do next / how to feel about the friendship. If she wants to treat you to a special lunch, let her do all the planning, organising and booking, and don't bank on it happening.

Epidote · 17/03/2024 08:56

You feel that is inconsiderate because it is inconsiderate.
I would go to the lunch if I had the time and wanted to see her, however I would avoid to make big plans with her in the future.
OP, either is ok, if you go enjoy, and if this new plan doesn't appeal to you just don't go.

ThePoshUns · 17/03/2024 09:01

Hatty65 · 16/03/2024 17:05

I'd have to tell her, OP. Text if you have to.

I think I would say 'Jane, I really don't have anything to say to you at the moment. I feel so disappointed and hurt that you have let me down over the holiday on my birthday that I'm not interested in having lunch with you and pretending everything is ok. It's not. You suggested our holiday, and I was really excited about it and you've now cancelled our plans so that you can go away with Susan instead. Surely you must have realised that this was a really horrid thing to do and that I was bound to be upset? Let me have some space for now, please. I need to re-evaluate our friendship'.

I think this is an excellent response