Friend cancelled trip

[Gotthetshirt1]

Got big birthday coming up. One of my best mates suggested doing a minibreak abroad to celebrate (both of us paying for ourselves) - just the 2 of us. This felt like a really nice considerate thing for them to have thought of so I said yes and was really looking forward to it.

Fast forward a few months after loads - i mean loads - of DMs between us of possible date & flight combinations. My friend still wasnt confirming dates and flights were getting dearer so I said shall we book now so everything's firmed up? They replied theyre now going abroad for a different friend's birthday so cant afford the trip theyd suggested for mine and could we just go out for lunch instead.

When theyd suggested the trip they said they really wanted to do something special to mark the occasion (I wouldnt have suggested it myself as it would have felt too much to assume a friend would want or be able to spend on a trip away for my birthday).

Now it feels crap that theyve pulled it to do another trip with someone else. In my head this basically equates to i dont want to spend time and money on this after all even though id said how important it was we do something really special for you, im dropping you for a trip ive been invited to since i suggested ours, if we do lunch instead (which we do quite often) youll still feel ive 'made an effort' for your milestone birthday so ill still tick that box.

Shes a really close friend and its a friendship i value - I was really looking forward to our time away together as we always have a lot of fun. But cancelling something really nice - that theyd suggested - feels really inconsiderate and Im hurt by it (if you wouldnt be hurt thats fine - Im articulating how I feel). Noone wants to or can afford to do everything so if shed said really sorry but I just cant afford it any more fair enough but essentially feels like shes invited me to something then had a better offer (even though our trip was her own idea).

Would anyone else feel miffed at a really good friend cancelling a birthday trip theyd suggested in the first place, saying theyve chosen to spend their time and money on another friend instead? (If you couldnt care less about friends cancelling no need to respond). Thanks.

She sounds really horrible. How dare she set out to make you feel grateful for the new lunch idea when she’s done this to you.
This can’t be a new thing. What other examples of her bad behaviour are there?
In your shoes, I’d step right back from her, in fact, we’d no longer be friends.

How awful!
I hope you have a better friend who can you make fun plans with to celebrate your birthday

No weve known each other for ages and shes usually a very considerate, thoughtful person. Probably the reason im a bit stunned by what shes done

No way could I go out for lunch with her after that. I’d spend the whole time feeling second best and disappointed.

Id held off booking a separate trip abroad until we confirmed our booking, to make sure I had no clashes and was still available for her. In the time we were going back and forth on options, the flights for the other trip I needed to arrange went up a lot. So as well as wasting lots of time researching options, drawing it out before telling me she was cancelling has cost me money too.

And yes, going OTT on the fact we're having lunch instead is really grating on me. I am going to have to say something to her.

Ouch.

She had a choice to make (in her opinion, not mine) and she chose to drop you for the other friend.

Not sure I'd be able to forgive that.

But how do you say that to someone - that youd put time and money aside to make yourself available to them and were really looking forward to it - without it sounding like a childish 'pick me' competition.

I wouldnt categorise myself as a needy friend. People are busy. Im busy. Strong friendships still shouldnt feel like a chore should they where you switch people on and off. Surely we invest in them as we feel its reciprocated.

Well you're not asking her to pick you. She already picked. You're not asking her to change her mind, as I'm sure you have more respect for yourself than that.

But you can still tell her that you feel hurt by her actions and that sitting through lunch will just be a reminder of that.

She knows her behaviour was shit. Hence the overkill on the lunch.

I’d be hurt and pissed off too

the only way I can see it from her pov is that perhaps your trip was proving tricky or expensive to organise? More than she had planned?

the other one had been in discussions for a while and works out cheaper and easier (someone else organising it)

so she went with the easier option (for her)

But how do you say that to someone - that youd put time and money aside to make yourself available to them and were really looking forward to it - without it sounding like a childish 'pick me' competition.

You say, "I put aside time and money to make myself available for the trip that you suggested and enthused about. I was really looking forward to it.
Now that it has been dropped for a better offer, I feel foolish to have agreed."

See what she says to that.

Sounds like she wanted to go on a trip and your birthday was just the pretext she needed. Now as pp have suggested she's got a better offer.
I wouldn't do that lunch if I were in your place. Could you do a mini-trip with somebody else? Or a special bday dinner with a small group?

It is perfectly fair to say that to this person that you had put time aside and were looking forward to it. And you really should say that, but it is not a pick me competition as the decision is made. I honestly think this is friendship ending.

If that were me she would no longer be my friend. I hate people like that. How bloody rude!

Miffed?!!! I'd dump her in a hot second!

She's been incredibly rude and selfish and I absolutely could not carry on a friendship with someone who treated me that way.

Lunch?! She is taking the piss!

What a horrible thing to do, I'm so sorry you're being treat4ed this way, OP. You have every right to be upset and angry.

I'd be telling her to stick her lunch, and her friendship, right up herself.

I think it's friendship-ending too. What a shame...but personally, I know that I just could not get past this.

It's not quite the same but I'm an outdoors type. I enjoy hillwalking and mountaineering. Friends and acquaintances have been known to come to me to organise a trip or activity that they feel they'd like to try...be it walking up a Munro or cycling. I think it sounds great and fix a date, putting a day aside for the person who suggested it. All too often I get the bullshit excuses* at the 11th hour. It's a sore knee, a migraine...always some health-related bollocks that 'prevents' them from honouring the arrangement they instigated and took up my time with. The problem is, people like the idea of outdoor pursuits but when it comes to actually doing them they can't be arsed.
I always reply, "Ok doke."
I will resolutely never set time aside for them again. Next time they ask (and it has happened) I am busy busy busy.

*you always know when you're being fed a timewaster's line.

I think it's incredibly rude to waste people's free time. Fuck those who do it.

I’ve had similar happen to me. Had pencilled in a trip that my friend had driven to go away to mark a milestone birthday for us both. We live at opposite ends of the country and when I went to visit for her birthday celebrations, (the trip we was planning was 8 months later) her local friends dropped into conversation that they had a weekend away booked abroad with her. I don’t say anything at the time as I didn’t want to ruin the weekend. I was deeply hurt, but shrugged it off. I declined her offer to visit me later in the year for my milestone birthday. A very long standing friendship spanning 25 years just kind of fizzled out. There was never any confrontation what’s the point and who needs the drama. It was clear her friendship priorities had changed. Our friendship has never recovered. I’ve seen her a couple of times over the last 5/6 years as I’ve been in her city and her in mine, but only for a couple of hours or so and always with other people around, but no staying with each other on a regular basis. She was my closest friend so it hurt. You can’t control other people only how you react. I’m afraid I’ve learnt the hard way just to be self sufficient and not expect too much from others.

I don't think anyone has to be cool about having their time wasted.

Thanks for all the replies. I have other things going on for my birthday so im not concerned that i wont have a lovely day. This post was really about not knowing how to respond to my friend as this is uncharacteristic behaviour for them and its blindsided me that she could do it without seeing how hurtful it was. I agree shes likely making a fuss about the lunch to try to make amends, but at this point that feels very forced and false now - I can picture us there with her saying see? I said wed still have a marvellous time! - and I dont even want to go.

You say, "I put aside time and money to make myself available for the trip that you suggested and enthused about. I was really looking forward to it.
Now that it has been dropped for a better offer, I feel foolish to have agreed."

This is exactly it and nothing childish about saying it. I would add "I'm really disappointed that I now haven't got anything special planned for my big birthday as the trip was going to be the main event and now I will have to sort something else at short notice and probably more expense".

I really hope you can salvage the situation (for you not her) by arranging a trip with another friend or family member, or a party/celebration of your choice.

The offer of lunch is not in any way "special" if its something you do regularly.

I'm not a confrontational person but I'd feel obliged to say something like this. She has hurt you OP and she needs to be told, can't even manage a proper night out so it's a paltry lunch offer that you're meant to be excited about.

You really shouldn't be accepting her conciliatory crumbs, OP.

Just say 'No thanks. I don't wish to go to lunch'.

Then back away.

She doesn't deserve your time or understanding.

I like @pictoosh ’s reply, I would send that and see how she reacts. If she is a person who is normally very thoughtful then she will be trying to make amends - perhaps that’s what is behind her efforts about the lunch. Either that or she knows that she’s screwed up and is trying desperately to not look like a dick. We can’t tell which it is over the internet, but you might be able to judge by her reply as you know her.

Please clearly tell her how she has left you feeling, the comment pictoosh suggests is perfect, or even as you put it yourself in your opening post But cancelling something really nice - that theyd suggested - feels really inconsiderate and Im hurt by it
Some people speak without thinking. It probably seemed like a good idea when she first suggested a holiday but to string you along with no final commitment? That is something I couldn't get over I'm afraid. I'm glad you have nicer friends to enjoy your big birthday with.

That is so draining. In some other friendships Ive had people have tended to assume that ill organise everything. And i found the ones who used to cancel the most after all the planning was done, were the people who never ever put their hand up to arrange anything. Time wasting is one of my utter bug bears. If you want to go/dont want to go, say so from the get-go, hand over your cash then if your plans change later, at least you arent imposing higher costs on everyone else (which Ive found is something very few people seem to even consider when they withdraw from group plans)

I'm confused by this... why shouldn't your friend go abroad with her local friend group? People don't have to include all friends in everything they do.