Friend cancelled trip

[Gotthetshirt1]

Got big birthday coming up. One of my best mates suggested doing a minibreak abroad to celebrate (both of us paying for ourselves) - just the 2 of us. This felt like a really nice considerate thing for them to have thought of so I said yes and was really looking forward to it.

Fast forward a few months after loads - i mean loads - of DMs between us of possible date & flight combinations. My friend still wasnt confirming dates and flights were getting dearer so I said shall we book now so everything's firmed up? They replied theyre now going abroad for a different friend's birthday so cant afford the trip theyd suggested for mine and could we just go out for lunch instead.

When theyd suggested the trip they said they really wanted to do something special to mark the occasion (I wouldnt have suggested it myself as it would have felt too much to assume a friend would want or be able to spend on a trip away for my birthday).

Now it feels crap that theyve pulled it to do another trip with someone else. In my head this basically equates to i dont want to spend time and money on this after all even though id said how important it was we do something really special for you, im dropping you for a trip ive been invited to since i suggested ours, if we do lunch instead (which we do quite often) youll still feel ive 'made an effort' for your milestone birthday so ill still tick that box.

Shes a really close friend and its a friendship i value - I was really looking forward to our time away together as we always have a lot of fun. But cancelling something really nice - that theyd suggested - feels really inconsiderate and Im hurt by it (if you wouldnt be hurt thats fine - Im articulating how I feel). Noone wants to or can afford to do everything so if shed said really sorry but I just cant afford it any more fair enough but essentially feels like shes invited me to something then had a better offer (even though our trip was her own idea).

Would anyone else feel miffed at a really good friend cancelling a birthday trip theyd suggested in the first place, saying theyve chosen to spend their time and money on another friend instead? (If you couldnt care less about friends cancelling no need to respond). Thanks.

I'm officially stealing this line!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Absolutely spot on reply

Thats lousy op. I find people really flaky these days... its not nice at all though.

Honestly I think it sounds like she spoke without thinking when she mentioned a trip for your birthday and there was no nice way to backtrack once you were chasing for flights/hotel bookings, she was probably hoping it would just get forgotten about. There’s 2 women in my wider friend group like this, they’re forever suggesting trips and holidays and nights away but we all know better than to believe them until there’s a flight booked as it’s all just lip service

Fast forward a few months after loads - i mean loads - of DMs between us of possible date & flight combinations.

Only thing that I would reflect on is what was going on with the to-ing and fro-ing over text. Is there a chance you were being fussy?

She was still sending me flight details in the same week she cancelled on me, so i had no reason to think that shed changed her mind after asking me.

(I wouldnt have suggested it myself as it would have felt too much to assume a friend would want or be able to spend on a trip away for my birthday)

Is there a power imbalance in this friendship generally. You described her as your best friend and really close - why would you be uncomfortable making this suggestion? Are you quite submissive?

Er, no 😄. They had limited times of day they could fly out, whereas i could work things to go any time - so the bulk of the research was trying to find flight times to accommodate her. The irony now!

Personally, I'd go with something cold that addresses the inconvenience but doesn't get into your feelings about being dropped for a 'better' offer. I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking I was more invested in the friendship than her.

"Never mind. Shame you didn't say something sooner, I could have done without the hassle of organising an extra holiday."

Then just let her sweat, and cool off the friendship. Quite possibly for good.

As for Her Majesty's generous offer of lunch, she can piss right off. That would boil my blood, especially if she had the audacity to act like she was doing me a bloody favour. If her lunch plans keep ramping up, wait until she sends you a really lovely place. Then go with someone else.

Wow quite the leap youre making there. I wouldnt assume that anyone wants to or is able to easily spend several hundred quid and time away from the family to celebrate my birthday, because im considerate that everyone's finances and circumstances are different. Please dont try to make this somehow about my personality. I was invited, said yes, then got cancelled.

Actually I'm just remembering a time when a friend flaked out on me a couple of years ago. I had planned to do the trip alone originally but she was so keen to come along that we arranged it together.

Then nearer the time she raised objections- it was too long ( the trip was the length it was because of a mutually agreed reasons - and ended up not coming. But it subsequently turned out she was experiencing some major family issues at the time which she hadn't wanted to share.

So actually on reflection if this friend has been a good one until now, I'd maybe pitch my response slightly differently. "Friend this isn't like you, and I'm feeling really hurt that you pulled out of our trip to go away with other friends. Is everything ok with you ? " give her the benefit of the doubt whilst expressing your disappointment.

I made no ‘leap’. I asked a Q.

It’s always important to take time to self reflect on what our contribution to a rupture could be.

Your response seems quite sensitive and prickly.

🤣🤣🤣

If you value the friendship and want it to continue in a healthy way, the only thing worth doing is arranging to meet her, letting her know how you feel, and finding out what's been going on for her.

I'd be incredibly pissed off too though, but would really want to get to the bottom of it and maintain the friendship (if that sort of inconsiderate behaviour is not something that ordinarily happens).

Because your comment was irrelevant to my post. I didnt suggest the trip, they did, so psycho analysing what i might usually consider when inviting friends to do something is nothing to do with my post about how I now deal with this friendship. Of course im sensitive on this - thats precisely why i posted in the first place.

Bad form to make arrangements and then go back on them in favour of something else imo.

A friend of mine whom had arranged a night out with me, telephoned on the day and said shed had a better offer basically and fucked me off. Didnt she what she had done wrong so i havent had a lot to do with her since to be honest.

Id tell her to shove it frankly, you àre supposed to be grateful shes thrown you some crumbs....fuck that

Honestly, I'd just not give her the time of day anymore.
She behaved shittily and she really isn't a close friend, is she?

She was stringing you along while she knew she had happened upon a 'better' offer.

Just leave her be but if she asks why you've been silent or asks you about her fabulous lunch with you then give her both barrels.

Then block.

I hope that you do manage to have a lovely day.

Hi Op, this feels really shitty but at least she was honest. You have 2 options for an answer I guess:

1. you are just as honest and let her know you got really excited by the idea of going away and a big lunch won’t make up for it. You can tell her that you’re not trying to make her feel bad you’re just letting her know you’re not thrilled by the outcome.
2. you tell her you decided to go with someone else and won’t have budget for another lunch or that you doubt she will have a budget for the lunch since she is going to spend money going away with the other friend. You can see each other another time.

in my opinion I doubt she will make it to the lunch which will be leading to even a bigger disappointment.

That was really, really shitty of her and you’re quite within your rights to be majorly pissed off. @Barrenfieldoffucks response is perfect, and I would certainly be pulling back from the friendship - not sure I’d ever see her in the same light again, and she could stick her lunch quickly frankly. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

I'd be telling them where to go quite frankly. But I have tolerance for bullshit by people these days.

‘I am struggling to get past you cancelling our trip, especially as it is a big birthday, for a trip with another friend. I am hurt and disappointed, and on balance would rather not organise a lunch instead. I am sure you would feel similar if the situation was reversed’

I totally understand your annoyance OP. The real kicker is that she can't afford it because she is going away with another friend, so (ostensibly at least) prioritising that friendship over her one with you.

To ameliorate the upset slightly, are any of the following possible:

A) the "friend" she is going away with is actually a current or potential love interest? Tho I would still feel neglected, I would probably forgive easier if a friend ditched me because the chance came up to go away with the love of their life. (Tho i'd prefer them to explain that.)

B) you have a lot more money than her and she struggles to keep up with you spending-wise on trips, and now the chance has come up to go away with someone who will match her budget more. (I have a friend who earns a lot less than me who I like to go away with occasionally, so I tend to pay for the accommodation for us all, and she just pays petrol or whatever - you have to have a very close friendship for something like that to feel ok tho).

C) she had actually arranged the other trip before yours, then realised she can't afford both, so feels it's right to honour the first commitment?

Either way it's still annoying. If she is a really good friend though it may not be worth falling out over. Just maybe don't rush to arrange a trip with her in future.....

Hope your birthday is lovely anyway!

I'd have to tell her, OP. Text if you have to.

I think I would say 'Jane, I really don't have anything to say to you at the moment. I feel so disappointed and hurt that you have let me down over the holiday on my birthday that I'm not interested in having lunch with you and pretending everything is ok. It's not. You suggested our holiday, and I was really excited about it and you've now cancelled our plans so that you can go away with Susan instead. Surely you must have realised that this was a really horrid thing to do and that I was bound to be upset? Let me have some space for now, please. I need to re-evaluate our friendship'.

Yes - I would