WWYD? Partner wouldn’t let me in house after argument

[Wintercrocus]

We had a few drinks after work yesterday with one of his friends. All good, friend went home and we were walking to our local curry place for dinner. Crossing a side road, we both jumped as it seemed like a large car was about to drive at us, but it was actually parking up on the main road (moving too quickly from the other side of the road). Annoying and made me jump but hey. DP was angry and ran to the driver. When I caught up, the driver and several men drinking outside a pub nearby were trying to calm him down, and it looked like DP was trying to hit him. To be clear, this isn’t an everyday occurrence - he has a bad temper and is easily wound up but we’ve been together over 10 years and I’ve never seem him act this aggressively with someone. The driver was speaking calmly and not being aggressive.

We walked on, and I was telling him that threatening to punch someone (I didn’t hear him do this but assume that’s what happened) is not OK! He totally disagreed and said the guy deserved to be punched, then stormed off home. So, I wouldn’t even call it an argument as such - he just stormed off.

I was hungry so stayed out a bit to get some food. Not the curry house but somewhere where I feel less weird eating alone.

I then walked home, arrived at the front door at about 21:30 but didn’t have my keys on me (don’t usually both need keys when we’re out together). Knocked on the door and got no answer. Double checked his location on findmyiphone, which we both use - he was in the house. Tried calling, call rejected. Obviously knocked some more. Tried calling again. He answered and said to stop harassing him. To be clear, he was absolutely aware I was on the doorstep and unable to get in the house. We jointly own the property. No kids.

WWYD?

This. First post nailed again

That's irrelevant who would want an abuser to grovel 🤷🏻‍♀️ When they will do it again, and it still doesn't change the facts in the original post.

Op, you called his bluff.

He now looks like a dickhead and bastard in front of the police who dealt with you and anyone else who finds out about it.

That is fact.

He does not, cannot come out of it looking good or even ok.

Not to anyone with a brain.

He's well aware of that ..... But he can't take responsibility for his behaviour so he's currently desperately trying to spin doctor, lie, minimise, twist and gas light about what happened.

It can't be him who's an unreasonable, nasty, power tripping, immature wanker who was caught out.....so you have to unreasonable and ott. And the cops thought so too! (No, they fkg didn't).

And this is all without even taking into account his earlier behaviour that caused you to separate on a night out

He was out of control and acting out and making an absolute tool of himself, in every way. He thought he'd bully the guy in the car, but he wouldn't lower himself to his level be thought he bully you, you called his bluff and he ended up with two policewoman in his house. It wasn't his night, the poor dear. He didn't get far abusing and bullying people.

He can spin doctor all this til kingdom comes, that won't change.

Don't go along with the narrative he,'s trying to spin, you're smarter than that.

The fact you called the police last night shows, I think, that you've finally had enough.

Ask him how long he expected you to stand on the door step. Should you have camped out all night before calling the police?

I am glad you’re ok op. Please take care of yourself and come back when you have more strength. It must be difficult right now to come to terms with what everyone on the thread is saying about him. They’re right of course. But I get it’s really hard.

Oh and I'd say his determination to try to gas light you into believing you were over the top and unreasonable calling the police to get access (to your own home, late at night, with your cohabiter knowingly keeping you locked out and continuing to do so after repeated requests for entry and a warning that you'd phone 101) ...... Is because he doesn't want more people to know.

He wants you to feel you were unreasonable/be embarrassed and therefore be unlikely to tell people about it.

He knows how it looks, I very much doubt he wants your families, friends etc. knowing about it. So he's trying to make you feel your actions were unreasonable and ott so you'll hush up about it.

I know someone who died sleeping outside in a car at this time of year, but yes such a big man had to prove his point.

He has no reasoning skills, didn't give one shit about your welfare, this is not a relationship of care, it's a conditional nightmare that will get worse.

You need to leave this man behind, he's nasty.

Op, fwiw is worth, when I think about your behaviour throughout the night .... I think you had excellent boundaries, a real backbone and took no shit from this asshole.

You let him walk away after he tried to start an altercation and you called him out on it, you just went and got yourself some food (cause presumably you were hungry) and didn't run after him, indulging him like the brat he is .... Then when you went home and found he'd locked you out, you didn't go off and let him off the hook by trying to stay in a hotel or at a friend's house - making it only your problem, or other people's problem, causing yourself and others inconvenience and disruption and expense (if you got a hotel). You entirely correctly considered it your right to get into your home, you asked to be let in, warned him you'd call 101; and then followed through on that. His pathetic, power tripping behaviour got him nowhere but a visit from the cops, and him looking like a dickhead (no matter what BS he tries to claim about the cop who was keeping him away from you for your statement).

You acted with a backbone and with integrity throughout.

You are way too good for him.

@Wintercrocus

Good on you for taking care of yourself that night, OP, and showing him that you have boundaries. It's now time for you to assess whether this relationship is a good one to be in from this point forward (it really doesn't sound it and he'll not forgive you for, rightly, involving the police).

Share this situation with your trusted friends and family - don't keep his secret, especially as you may need support from others in the future. Discreetly start getting your ducks in a row so, when you are ready, you have a clear view of your finances and how you'd manage without him. Personally I would not invest any more time with someone who behaves like this. Sending you strength. 🌹