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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD? Partner wouldn’t let me in house after argument

159 replies

Wintercrocus · 16/03/2024 08:25

We had a few drinks after work yesterday with one of his friends. All good, friend went home and we were walking to our local curry place for dinner. Crossing a side road, we both jumped as it seemed like a large car was about to drive at us, but it was actually parking up on the main road (moving too quickly from the other side of the road). Annoying and made me jump but hey. DP was angry and ran to the driver. When I caught up, the driver and several men drinking outside a pub nearby were trying to calm him down, and it looked like DP was trying to hit him. To be clear, this isn’t an everyday occurrence - he has a bad temper and is easily wound up but we’ve been together over 10 years and I’ve never seem him act this aggressively with someone. The driver was speaking calmly and not being aggressive.

We walked on, and I was telling him that threatening to punch someone (I didn’t hear him do this but assume that’s what happened) is not OK! He totally disagreed and said the guy deserved to be punched, then stormed off home. So, I wouldn’t even call it an argument as such - he just stormed off.

I was hungry so stayed out a bit to get some food. Not the curry house but somewhere where I feel less weird eating alone.

I then walked home, arrived at the front door at about 21:30 but didn’t have my keys on me (don’t usually both need keys when we’re out together). Knocked on the door and got no answer. Double checked his location on findmyiphone, which we both use - he was in the house. Tried calling, call rejected. Obviously knocked some more. Tried calling again. He answered and said to stop harassing him. To be clear, he was absolutely aware I was on the doorstep and unable to get in the house. We jointly own the property. No kids.

WWYD?

OP posts:
TeaGinandFags · 16/03/2024 13:42

He's a classic abuser and his entitlement to act like that is a sign things will get worse.

Get rid asap.

VillageOnSmile · 16/03/2024 13:58

You did the right thing.
I wouldn’t try and split hair in half, wonder if you should have done X and Y.

What you need to ask yourself now is what will your next steps be?

Just now he is showing no remorse at all about the way he behaved. But rather he believes this was all your fault.

This means he’ll do it again. Or something similar.

Are you happy with that?
Or would you be happier on your own?

VillageOnSmile · 16/03/2024 14:01

Momsitter · 16/03/2024 12:59

I find it odd you don't have anyone you would feel comfortable calling up in an emergency? Why is that OP?

Not everyone has someone they can call in an emergency like this. Let alone someone who lives close by.

I know I don’t. And there is nothing wrong with me (which is what you are implying with your post).

And more to the point, having no friends around is not a reason why your partner is abusive …..

Trulyme · 16/03/2024 14:08

This relationship just doesn’t work does it.

I think it’s time to work out why you’re together.

Is it because you’re in love and have a great relationship.
Or is it down to purely convenience and not wanting to be alone.

The whole evening sounds absolute shambles and a waste of everyone’s time and energy.

Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.

Turtletunes · 16/03/2024 14:10

I hope the OP is ok, she hasn't been back here for a while.

Trixiefirecracker · 16/03/2024 14:43

I hope the OP is okay too, so many threads about really shitty abusive men on Mumsnet and women constantly putting up with and excusing/minimising the behaviour…‘he’s not normally like this…’ or ‘He has a temper but…’.
Why are we so conditioned to think this okay? It’s not. It’s really not. It makes me really upset.

LAMPS1 · 16/03/2024 14:47

OP, that would be the very last and final time I would allow him to lock me out of my own home and torment/abuse me in that manner.
Leave him and sell up. Go your own peaceful and decent way.
Don’t waste another minute of your life sharing anything with this nasty piece of work.

Loloj · 16/03/2024 14:53

Your partner sounds like an absolute prick and you should leave him as soon as possible. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person?

TheFancyPoet · 16/03/2024 14:59

He is just abusive. Eventually the ugliness in such men comes out. They can fix themselves and it happens, but rarely. You know now

Alwaysgoingforit · 16/03/2024 15:23

Can't have any sympathy for women who make endless excuses for twats like this. Especially when they say they could leave, but are scared to be on their own without a man.

PinkIcedCream · 16/03/2024 15:31

What’s the point of your relationship? Why would you stay with someone like that?

Mind you, I don’t drink because I’ve seen how it can affect some people so I think we’d all be better off if no-one ever got drunk.

everythinglooksbetterpaintedblack · 16/03/2024 15:46

Are you still there?

Xenoi24 · 16/03/2024 15:50

This relationship just doesn’t work does it.

The whole evening sounds absolute shambles and a waste of everyone’s time and energy.

What spectacularly odd comments on this situation - re. one person's antisocial behaviour and then their domestic abuse of their partner.

pompom12345 · 16/03/2024 16:00

My mate from work had this happen to him, his fiancé locked him out of the house because he had a stag do without her being invited. Needless to say that marriage isn't working now.

I'd run as far away as you can. Get your plan in place and leave when you can. It's abusive and controlling behaviour that will not get any better.

chrisfromcardiff · 16/03/2024 16:05

Wintercrocus · 16/03/2024 08:25

We had a few drinks after work yesterday with one of his friends. All good, friend went home and we were walking to our local curry place for dinner. Crossing a side road, we both jumped as it seemed like a large car was about to drive at us, but it was actually parking up on the main road (moving too quickly from the other side of the road). Annoying and made me jump but hey. DP was angry and ran to the driver. When I caught up, the driver and several men drinking outside a pub nearby were trying to calm him down, and it looked like DP was trying to hit him. To be clear, this isn’t an everyday occurrence - he has a bad temper and is easily wound up but we’ve been together over 10 years and I’ve never seem him act this aggressively with someone. The driver was speaking calmly and not being aggressive.

We walked on, and I was telling him that threatening to punch someone (I didn’t hear him do this but assume that’s what happened) is not OK! He totally disagreed and said the guy deserved to be punched, then stormed off home. So, I wouldn’t even call it an argument as such - he just stormed off.

I was hungry so stayed out a bit to get some food. Not the curry house but somewhere where I feel less weird eating alone.

I then walked home, arrived at the front door at about 21:30 but didn’t have my keys on me (don’t usually both need keys when we’re out together). Knocked on the door and got no answer. Double checked his location on findmyiphone, which we both use - he was in the house. Tried calling, call rejected. Obviously knocked some more. Tried calling again. He answered and said to stop harassing him. To be clear, he was absolutely aware I was on the doorstep and unable to get in the house. We jointly own the property. No kids.

WWYD?

Figure out your finances, get a solicitor, leave him. He locked you out of your home! What a fucker.

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2024 16:12

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 16/03/2024 08:28

I would leave and get the house on the market/him buy you out ASAP. He is abusive.

Thankyou, no need to go any further with your reply saying it all!!

Original poster
Wintercrocus · 16/03/2024 16:14

Turtletunes · 16/03/2024 14:10

I hope the OP is ok, she hasn't been back here for a while.

Thank you. I’m OK but too emotionally drained right now to engage further in this thread. But I’m grateful for everyone’s comments and have read them all.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 16/03/2024 16:16

Scarletttulips · 16/03/2024 08:44

Why did you phone the police and what in earth did you think they could do?

You need to leave and you know you do.

So not bring children into this shit show. You deserve better.

I hope the driver reported him.

Erm 🤔 to tell them that she couldn't get in her home they Co own?! And not that she'd forgotten her keys and lives alone and should have called a locksmith instead.
Her partner purposely wouldn't let her in. Plus there is the back story to the evening too.
It's abusive, the police can deal with this.

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2024 16:17

Mylovelygreendress · 16/03/2024 08:46

@Scarletttulips when my exh locked me out of our jointly owned I phoned the police and they made him open up . In fact they arrested him ! Many years ago but that’s what happened .

That's good to hear, and well done to you for making that call!

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2024 16:21

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 16/03/2024 08:49

“I’ve read so many posts from women on here this past week where they say my DH threatens to punch my Dad, my DP called me a cunt, he belittles me in front of our friends, but we’ve been together 10 years and he’s a great Dad. I’m fucking astounded so many put up with this shit, but end up stuck. Don’t be one of these women. Don’t accept a man not letting you in your OWN home.” ^^

Me too.
Get out now. Don’t have children with him. No you were not unreasonable to ring the police. WTAF did he expect you to do? Sleep outside?

He’s a Twat. What did the police say?

Edited

Exactly! And if Op had accepted that it will have let her DP know that she will accept such crap, and lead on to the next event. Because there will always be one, and even if there wasn't it wouldn't delete what had happened.
We as women, and I say this for myself too, as I have been very guilty of doing it, have to stop waiting for the next thing to happen.

I did that, well I won't do anything this time or find a way as you do, of explaining it in your head, and minimising.
But by the next event it's too late. Because it just goes on and on.

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2024 16:24

Livinghappy · 16/03/2024 08:52

Absolutely not unreasonable. He crossed the line by locking you out, as it was unreasonable and vindictive. You were vulnerable and he didn't care.

However please take this as a wake up...when in a relationship and you have to resort to calling the police to modify your partner's behaviour...it is over. You cant trust him and I suspect he will be even more vindictive/resentful in future. He should have apologised immediately.

Precisely, before I was born. But my sister was by then, my DF ripped out the telephone at home, not sure, not that it matters what it was all about.
And there was my DM and poor DS down the road on the pay phone ringing his DM.
I know it's what people did in some situations I know now especially in certain cultures that people will speak between themselves and talk to other relatives who intervene, but it doesn't change the circumstances.
I wish she had called the police!

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2024 16:25

Harvestfestivalknickers · 16/03/2024 09:00

So he thinks YOU were unreasonable calling the police. Let me guess, he didn't think HE was unreasonable locking you out, leaving you on your own?

Of course not, they will always minimise it.

muggart · 16/03/2024 16:25

He should be grovelling for forgiveness after his performance last night.. I can't believe he's still giving you a hard time!

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2024 16:30

Wintercrocus · 16/03/2024 09:09

I called 101 after only a few minutes because I expected to be on hold for ages (never called 101 before in my life but I know from friends and family that it can take a long time to get through). Obviously I kept banging on the door in the meantime in case he changed his mind. I also told him I was going to call 101 before I did, hoping the threat of that alone might be enough to get me in the house, but no. I don’t think he believed me.

Got through on the phone after only a couple of minutes surprisingly. So it was all very quick. Maybe I should have stood at the doorstep knocking for much longer first? I don’t know. I assumed I’d be standing there ages while waiting to get through.

As soon as he heard me speaking to the call handler, I heard the door unlock. In retrospect (and acknowledging I’d also been drinking) I feel I should have then said to the call handler all OK and hung up. But I suppose I wanted the incident logged and thought it’d only take a couple of minutes. I was not asking anyone to come out.

I went into the house and sat on the sofa while taking the call (obviously also letting the call handler know he’d now let me in). DP started filming me and moved to sit next to me to film close up, which obviously made me more uncomfortable. The call handler asked if I could move to a different room to speak in private, which I did, although I could hear him standing at the door, presumably still recording everything I said.

I said repeatedly and truthfully that I felt safe, that I had no concerns about violence, and no history with it. I said there was no need for anyone to come out as I was safe. But I guess the call handler probably couldn’t take my word for that, as he knew DP was listening.

2 police ladies came out and spoke to us separately in different rooms. They were only here a few minutes. Mine was sympathetic and reassured me that I wasn’t wasting police time, and even said to call again if he ever did this again. His apparently (his words) felt sorry for him and “rolled her eyes” at it all.

He is furious this morning, going on and on about me wasting police time, making sarcastic comments “why don’t you call 101?” about everything. He is also insisting that I listen to the entire recording later, which I have no interest in doing as it was a shit enough situation at the time.

All of what you've just said in this part about him only unlocking when he realised you was indeed on the phone to the police, and what he did after that, is all very wrong.

I would have stayed outside on the phone to be honest.
Because at that point when you went in to carry on the call, he could have done anything.
History or not, there is now history he just made some by what he did on this evening. And you already know he has a temper. Things have to start somewhere or start escalating, and this is your example of that happening!

All he's bothered about is you calling the police, not what he actually did 😳

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