WWYD? Partner wouldn’t let me in house after argument

[Wintercrocus]

We had a few drinks after work yesterday with one of his friends. All good, friend went home and we were walking to our local curry place for dinner. Crossing a side road, we both jumped as it seemed like a large car was about to drive at us, but it was actually parking up on the main road (moving too quickly from the other side of the road). Annoying and made me jump but hey. DP was angry and ran to the driver. When I caught up, the driver and several men drinking outside a pub nearby were trying to calm him down, and it looked like DP was trying to hit him. To be clear, this isn’t an everyday occurrence - he has a bad temper and is easily wound up but we’ve been together over 10 years and I’ve never seem him act this aggressively with someone. The driver was speaking calmly and not being aggressive.

We walked on, and I was telling him that threatening to punch someone (I didn’t hear him do this but assume that’s what happened) is not OK! He totally disagreed and said the guy deserved to be punched, then stormed off home. So, I wouldn’t even call it an argument as such - he just stormed off.

I was hungry so stayed out a bit to get some food. Not the curry house but somewhere where I feel less weird eating alone.

I then walked home, arrived at the front door at about 21:30 but didn’t have my keys on me (don’t usually both need keys when we’re out together). Knocked on the door and got no answer. Double checked his location on findmyiphone, which we both use - he was in the house. Tried calling, call rejected. Obviously knocked some more. Tried calling again. He answered and said to stop harassing him. To be clear, he was absolutely aware I was on the doorstep and unable to get in the house. We jointly own the property. No kids.

WWYD?

Locksmith or breaking a window are for when you've locked yourself out. This was about coercive behavior which is clearly a police matter

This.
What a stupid post that was.

And on top of the issue of coercive control, there are some very basic issues with those suggestions e.g. it's very hard to get 24 hour locksmiths.
It's very hard to break a double glazed window, at all - let alone without risking hurting yourself.

And - it would have made the op look bad.
He could have painted her as a drunk, foolish, rash etc woman who forgot her keys and damaged their property, smashing windows to get access.
Whereas by phoning 101 and being calm etc on the line, she looked reasonable and measured.

Wow 😳. You decided not to have children because you knew he'd be a bad father.

you need to think about yourself now

Fuck that. At worst he's abusive and it will ramp up, at best he's childish and sulky. How very unattractive. I couldn't have any respect for somebody like that. The fact that he's still goading you about this morning tells you all you need to know.

Is he taking any responsibility for what he did ? Have you asked him Where exactly did he expect you to sleep? What is you got attacked whilst wandering the streets all night ?

Was kind of expecting maybe he was pissed blind, fell into bed, didn’t hear door, thought you had a key. But even that would be so shit as he would have known you were out as a lone female.
it’s absolutely appalling that he answered the phone but didn’t let you in ?
you were correct to call police
ltb

You ask WWYD? I'd leave.
He's impatient, has a nasty temper and threatens peple when drunk, doesn't apologise and keeps goading you. Do you even like him or are you staying with him out of fear or complacency?
🚩🚩🚩🚩

It's a LTB from me op. I'm sorry, this must have been a terrible shock for you, but not only did he behave badly in the moment, he has continued to mock, intimidate and undermine you after the event. I think you need to start to make plans immediately to have him removed from the home and put it on the market.

You definitely did the right thing.

He’s outraged because his behaviour is out in the open now and he’s been sussed.

A friend of mine was trapped in a marriage with an abusive man, which used to escalate when he was drunk.

Amongst other terrible things, he once locked her out late at night and she was completely naked.

You must be very rattled by all of the events last night. I hope you’re ok and when you can think clearly decide what’s best for you and what you want.

Honestly, my first thought was I would have mentally checked out of the relationship.

I think you did the right thing calling 101. But I don't think you can go back to how things were before this. I don't think there's any coming back from this, do you?

For the love of dog. What the partner did is a form of domestic abuse. Which is a crime.

In my experience people just don’t suddenly become aggressive and angry, so I suspect there is a back story here unfortunately. So yeah, I suspect she may well want to stay,

I’d be telling him he was lucky the police just came out to him acting like a twat, rather than out to a call where he had killed someone with a nasty punch.

What a knob, do you really want someone who acts this way? Unnecessary aggression and threats of violence, storming off, locking you out as some sort of punishment for questioning his actions, childishly getting up in your face and recording you (I assume to hope to make you look silly at a later date), following you around when you try to get away from him, and now, fully sober, still acting like a complete wanker and trying to make you feel bad about a situation entirely of his own making.

I think that would kill a relationship for me. The fact he’s not grovelingly apologetic this morning says it all really.

What does he think you should have done? Sat on the doorstep for 10 minutes, an hour, until midnight? He was being a dick, several times, and he knows it. He won't admit it or apologise though. If you're modifying your behaviour because you're afraid of how he'll react (not necessarily afraid of him physically) your relationship is abusive and unhealthy for you both. Sorry.

That would be the end of the relationship for me. If you are in your 40s I don't know how you can tolerate this type of shit, frankly.

I'd rather be on my own than with an immature dickhead with a temper.

This isn't a decent, loving, respectful relationship. It's abusive, coercive, damaging and high risk.

You can't stay with him. The risk to your mental health and well being is too high. There's also a risk to your physical wellbeing given his temper.

If he continues to insist you watch the video, tell him to send it to you. More evidence.

He's abusive, threatening, records you and belittles you. You need to get out. Have the property sold and live a happier life.

I hope this gives you the impetus you need to end the relationship, that's no way to live.

Your DP is highly, emotionally immature and sounds likely narcissistic and anti-social.

He locked you out to punish you for calling out his public, unsafe, violent (and pathetic) behaviour.

He sounds absolutely deluded and very self important.

Assume he has years of ‘form’ for this sort of behaviour?

Do you think he actually loves you? Is capable of love?

This makes my blood run cold.

He is aggressive in the street requiring the intervention of others. He goes off leaves you alone. He locks you out of your home.

Then you are the problem because you called the police?

If you back down on this, agree that calling the police was wrong...next time it'll be worse.

I find it odd you don't have anyone you would feel comfortable calling up in an emergency? Why is that OP?

LBT

Wtf honestly why on earth are you with this man child.

With everything that's going on with domestic violence the police will take the seriously so its no surprise two officers turned up.

It is not normal for someone to record their partner on the phone get up close and then pester them.

Seriously why are you with this strange individual.

Who locks their partner out on purpose that's no relationship.

The police don't think you wasted time, note how the call handler and officer at your house spoke to you. They know this is problematic behaviour. The PC who spoke to him was probably rolling their eyes at him, seeing what a tit he is.
What he did was awful, the fact he's not contrite today means 100% you need to get away from him, if you stay, you're going to be miserable.

If you are trying to point out that OP is isolated, possibly by her oartner, why don’t you say that directly instead of posing it in question form and implying the OP has done something wrong.

You deserve a much better life than the life you have with this man.

Oh dear god, love.

You did exactly the right thing to call the police.

They now have a record of his behaviour.

I hope you included his behaviour towards the drivers? If not it might be an idea to call again and ask for your statement about that incident to be added to it.

This way, when he does something worse to you later on, there will be evidence of what he did in the time leading up to it.

I say when, not if.

You are in danger if you stay with the man you consciously decided not to have children with because of his behaviour and personality.

You are in danger.

And you know it.

is he still drunk this morning to believe he’s in the right?