WWYD? Partner wouldn’t let me in house after argument

[Wintercrocus]

We had a few drinks after work yesterday with one of his friends. All good, friend went home and we were walking to our local curry place for dinner. Crossing a side road, we both jumped as it seemed like a large car was about to drive at us, but it was actually parking up on the main road (moving too quickly from the other side of the road). Annoying and made me jump but hey. DP was angry and ran to the driver. When I caught up, the driver and several men drinking outside a pub nearby were trying to calm him down, and it looked like DP was trying to hit him. To be clear, this isn’t an everyday occurrence - he has a bad temper and is easily wound up but we’ve been together over 10 years and I’ve never seem him act this aggressively with someone. The driver was speaking calmly and not being aggressive.

We walked on, and I was telling him that threatening to punch someone (I didn’t hear him do this but assume that’s what happened) is not OK! He totally disagreed and said the guy deserved to be punched, then stormed off home. So, I wouldn’t even call it an argument as such - he just stormed off.

I was hungry so stayed out a bit to get some food. Not the curry house but somewhere where I feel less weird eating alone.

I then walked home, arrived at the front door at about 21:30 but didn’t have my keys on me (don’t usually both need keys when we’re out together). Knocked on the door and got no answer. Double checked his location on findmyiphone, which we both use - he was in the house. Tried calling, call rejected. Obviously knocked some more. Tried calling again. He answered and said to stop harassing him. To be clear, he was absolutely aware I was on the doorstep and unable to get in the house. We jointly own the property. No kids.

WWYD?

Oh come on now. He got up close and FILMED you? When you were talking to the police? And when they turned up you said everything was fine, this man who only hours before had to be restrained so he didn't punch a stranger?
Raise your standards. Get some counselling to sort out your self esteem if this life is what you think you deserve.

You think he would make a bad father due to his temper, why doesn’t that make him a bad partner?

To be clear, this isn’t an everyday occurrence - he has a bad temper and is easily wound up but we’ve been together over 10 years and I’ve never seem him act this aggressively with someone

This is from the OP @NotStylishOrBeautiful . Stop reducing women to creatures that have no agency.

He is furious this morning, going on and on about me wasting police time, making sarcastic comments “why don’t you call 101?” about everything. He is also insisting that I listen to the entire recording later, which I have no interest in doing as it was a shit enough situation at the time.

He's not letting it go, OP, you're never going to hear the end of this and, in fact it sounds to me like he will continue to use it to beat you with - figuratively, I hope, but tbh, I do feel like literally is on the cards. Just wait till he has his next drink.

He will never stop trying to justify his behaviour. You ARE going to listen to his recording and you ARE going to agree with his version of events and you ARE going to agree that you are wrong. Then you will never be allowed to forget that.

I agree with PPs. Get out now. Stay safe.

It sounds as though his behaviour is escalating given his increased aggression last night, then locking you out. Now he is mocking you about (IMO - quite reasonably) calling the police to gain access into your own home from a man who has displayed very aggressive behaviour that evening threatening to punch someone over nothing.

Your gut is telling you that all is not well. Listen to it. How long before he turns that aggression on you? How many more nights like last night do you want to sign up for...he doesn't sound remorseful, he thinks it was all A OK and he's trying to punish you for your actions.

As an objective observer my opinion is that you should be making plans to move on. It's enough to say today that obviously the relationship isn't working and it's time to part ways.

On the face of it, calling the Police was a bit of an odd thing to do. He had locked the door and was being petulant and wouldn't let you in. Not sure why that is a police matter to be honest. Am unclear how long you were on the doorstep. But I'd have personally called a locksmith or broken a window to get in if I was locked out of my house.

But it sounds now like there's something deeper going on. And that there's some issues around his behaviour and treatment of you. I'd recommend moving away from the incident itself and focusing on examining other ways that he treats you and whether this is someone you want to be with

His behaviour this morning tells you everything about the kind of person he really is. A nasty man with a violent temper and a grudge.

agree. this man is abusive. you don't seem to realise @Wintercrocus , or do you?

The only thing I have to add is having been person who called 101 in two desperate relationships regarding abusive partners (emotionally and also physically), the perpetrator always says that their police officer took their side. Apparently they always roll their eyes and say how silly the whole thing is.

I'm guessing that's just another way of the abuser trying to convince you that you're crazy.

You thought he'd make a terrible father so haven't had kids with him, but what about you??

Why is behaviour that's bad enough to make him a terrible potential father also not acceptable as a partner. I think there's a strong cross over.

His behaviour throughout this entire incident is aggressive, unreasonable, irresponsible, disrespectful, intimidating, nasty, deeply deeply immature, high handed (understatement), and he still - even the next day - has no remorse and continues to act nasty & sarcastic.

He shouldn't have been so aggressive towards the driver, he's just lucky he didn't get into a fist fight and arrested if the driver was a different type of person. Though abusers do tend to pick their targets as soon as they see and assess them.

He shouldn't have left you.

He absolutely shouldn't have locked you out.

He should have let you in when you said you'd call 101, though he should never have put you in the position of having to do that in the first place.

He absolutely shouldn't have recorded you or sat close to you in that way.

He should not be taunting you this morning

Listen, that dispatcher thinks - correctly - you're in an abusive relationship. That's why she asked you to move away from him, get some privacy etc. She knew it even from him locking you out.

I've seen quite a few threads on here with women being locked out by abusers, it's part of their MO.
My sister was also pushed out and then locked out by her absive ex.

They know you're in an abusive relationship . .. you don't seem to though (?)

I'm surprised they haven't tried to refer you to domestic abuse support.

So you've always known that he wasn't good enough to be a dad but he's good enough for you?? JFC get some standards OP! You know what you need to do - to me the filming you is almost a worse violation than locking you out. Locking you out could be temper, filming you is calculated and manipulative.

A locksmith in the early hours of the morning??

Break a window ...so she could injure herself or be accused of damage to the property. And have you ever tried to break a double glazed window?

SMH.

She shouldn't have to get a locksmith or break a window to get into her own house when her partner and co owner is in there ... Purposefully not answering or letting her in!!

That is absolutely a police matter, because her co owner is denying her access to her own property!!!

Catch a fkg grip.

Talk about missing every valid point here and victim blaming.

OP your instinct kicked in last night and you called the police . It is now on record . What he did was abusive . Stay safe and think long and hard about staying with him . You deserve so much more than someone who locks you out at night .

he has a bad temper and is easily wound up

Abusive, you mean.

If you haven't got a handle on your "temper" by adulthood, let alone by his age ....there is a big element of choice in that.

And he can control his "temper" with the police or anyone who'd cause him real damage, I imagine.

Given what women gloss over when it comes to having kids, the fact that a major factor in you deciding not to have children is his personality/behaviour; says a lot. in my view if he's bad enough that you didn't feel you could have kids with him, he's bad enough not to be a decent partner.

This incident may be an extreme example of his behaviour but your description of him as having a bad temper and being easily wound up (I'll change the tense of that .... Winds himself up easily) shows this is "low level", ongoing behaviour. He knows you've put up with it for a decade and even forgone kids rather than her rid of him and find someone else...so he figures you'll put up with incidents like this as well. He thinks you're going nowhere, no matter what he does.

I could not stay with a man who hated me this much. His entire demeanour was all about intimidating you, even whilst you're on a call with the police. If that isn't getting you packing, nothing will.

LTB

He sounds absolutely awful OP and I wouldn’t be continuing the relationship after this, if I were you.

Being locked out of your own home because he's got a cob on having been on the piss?

No, it was not unreasonable.

He deserved it and I'm glad it's logged on police records- if his future partners do a Clare's law request I hope police tell them about this domestic abuse .
Other option for other people is emergency locksmith and then take him to the small claims court to cover the bill.
Please ltb

I actually never find it useful for posters to tell an op that their abuser hates them or doesn't love them..

Because, if he feels like it, he'll be telling them he loves them. And they'll think from other things he does/how he acts that he loves them, and him wanting to stay in a relationship with them, makes them think he loves them .... So naturally they think "that person doesn't have a clue/is talking shite" and they may dismiss your general advice.

The important thing is not whether that abuser loves or doesn't love their partner, it's the fact that they are abusive.

They may think they love their partner, they may even love them as much as they are able to love someone, but that doesn't change the fact that they are abusive and that their "love" is not worth having/comes in a poisoned chalice.

Her abusive partner wouldn't let her in her own house.

I think this would be the end of the relationship.

Yeah, good point.

However, actions speak louder than words in my book, and the tongue can twist and lie, but intimidation is intimidation no matter how sweetly the word "love" drips off the forked tongue.

He thinks that was massively unreasonable. Was it?

No, it wasn't.

If he wants to play stupid games, he'll win stupid prizes.

And it sounds like he's long overdue a wee record of his behaviour logged with the police anyway.

His behaviour on the entire night was out of control, unreasonable, mental and nasty. He should take a look at himself, instead of taunting and blaming you.

He sounds like a stratospheric asshole.

I have a feeling if you told us examples of his bad temper and being easily wound up, we'd be telling you he's an abuser.

Ask him to send it to you and you'll watch later , but don't, good for you to have a copy of it