WWYD? Partner wouldn’t let me in house after argument

[Wintercrocus]

We had a few drinks after work yesterday with one of his friends. All good, friend went home and we were walking to our local curry place for dinner. Crossing a side road, we both jumped as it seemed like a large car was about to drive at us, but it was actually parking up on the main road (moving too quickly from the other side of the road). Annoying and made me jump but hey. DP was angry and ran to the driver. When I caught up, the driver and several men drinking outside a pub nearby were trying to calm him down, and it looked like DP was trying to hit him. To be clear, this isn’t an everyday occurrence - he has a bad temper and is easily wound up but we’ve been together over 10 years and I’ve never seem him act this aggressively with someone. The driver was speaking calmly and not being aggressive.

We walked on, and I was telling him that threatening to punch someone (I didn’t hear him do this but assume that’s what happened) is not OK! He totally disagreed and said the guy deserved to be punched, then stormed off home. So, I wouldn’t even call it an argument as such - he just stormed off.

I was hungry so stayed out a bit to get some food. Not the curry house but somewhere where I feel less weird eating alone.

I then walked home, arrived at the front door at about 21:30 but didn’t have my keys on me (don’t usually both need keys when we’re out together). Knocked on the door and got no answer. Double checked his location on findmyiphone, which we both use - he was in the house. Tried calling, call rejected. Obviously knocked some more. Tried calling again. He answered and said to stop harassing him. To be clear, he was absolutely aware I was on the doorstep and unable to get in the house. We jointly own the property. No kids.

WWYD?

OP, you can't stay with this man. He's absolutely awful. Stop engaging with him about whether you should or shouldn't have called the police and start making plans to separate.

His apparently (his words) felt sorry for him and “rolled her eyes” at it all.

Bull fucking shit.

A remotely professional member of the police wouldn't do that, even if they thought that.

But I bet she didn't think that, it was obvious he'd locked you out and wouldn't let you in even with you repeatedly asking him and telling him you'd phone 101.

She was there to keep him occupied and separate from you so you could tell the truth/ask for help without intimidation .... Both those women knew that's why she was there with him. It was obvious he was the aggressor. It was obvious he was essentially breaking the law by denying a co owner of a property access to the property. It's also standard operating procedure for abusive men to do this to their partners, I've read it numerous times on here and I have no doubt the police have seen it many times too

If they'd had a clue that he'd been involved in an aggressive altercation with someone else already earlier that night (did you tell them?) it would have been even more obvious that he was out of control/on some sort of bender and should probably have been taken in for a wee stay in the cells. He's very very lucky indeed he wasn't reported during the incident he caused earlier.

They told you to contact them again if you had the slightest issue because they knew he is an abuser, and wanted to make it clear they'd help you.

Oh and btw, I've never known an abuser who didn't claim the police were on his side, and thought nothing of what was happening m, and thought his victim was silly and dramatic etc etc.

Don't listen to the gas lighting.

That's all it is.

What would I do? I’d end the relationship op. No man would talk to me or treat me like this. I’d have been out of I was with someone who was threatening violence to a stranger simply as they drove poorly, never mind the shit he then pulled.

howver I suspect you came in and continued to take the call to make a point to him and he then escalated it by recording you.

it’s abusive, petty, dysfunctional relationship and at both your ages and with no kids you should be out.

Not unreasonable at all - he locked you out of YOUR home because he is a prick! What were you expected to do? If you had gone to friends I hope they would of convinced you to leave this idiot - is that the outcome he wanted?!

The police lady would not have felt sorry for him or ‘eye rolled’ as someone else has said they were separating you from him to make sure you were safe. He is lying!! He was lucky he wasn’t bloody arrested for his behaviour earlier to be honest.

I am sorry but there are plenty of people who do not have bad tempers and do not behave like this - he is a fucking adult, what has he done to help with his short temper? how has he helped himself. Additionally how dare he video you without your consent!!! Did you let the police know this happened?

Please find someone who does not think this is acceptable behaviour. Take care x

What @Xenoi24 said.

I agree @Xenoi24 I have worked with lots of female police officers in safeguarding cases and I have never seen any minimalise potential domestic aggressive behaviour, in the way this ‘man’ claims he has!

howver I suspect you came in and continued to take the call to make a point to him and he then escalated it by recording you

They would have wanted to stay on the line with her to ensure she had gained access and was safe.

Normal, reasonable sober people don't lock their partners & co owners out of their own home at night time (or any time); they would have been reluctant to end the call before they made sure op was not subject to further mistreatment on access.

i really don't like the sort of angle that you're pitching here, like op was trying to wind him up or something ("make a point" is how you put it). Some very inappropriate and unfair, victim blaming, snide behaviour there.

@Wintercrocus my partner did this after drinking . He was often verbally abusive but it came to a head when he attacked our teenage son. I stayed too long and feel guilty what my son went through. I had to move my son out straight away on Police advice and whilst I was planning my move he locked me out . It was very hard at first but we have a good life now. Please make plans to leave . He wont change .

It's a fucking shame you don't value yourself more than this.

DP started filming me and moved to sit next to me to film close up

Do you really not appreciate how fucked up and abusive this man is?

This is the sort of shit my abusive ex would do. I wasted 9 years on him.

Not unreasonable to phone 101, how long would you have been out there otherwise.

I agree with PPs, no way did the officer feel sorry for him. Also, the filming you up close is sinister. You deserve more than a life with a nasty man.

Do you know what op .... If we were to completely cut out him locking you out of your own home at night and continuing to deny you access as you stood outside repeatedly asking him to let you in .....let's say the door was open when you came back; the first part of that night is still enough to consider getting rid of someone for!

He confronted a driver, who it sounds like did nothing intentionally wrong, extremely aggressively and it's only because the driver was calm and non aggressive that it didn't escalate into a full on fight. Which would have had the police called out and he could have been arrested. His behaviour was, at absolute best, over the top and aggressive and embarrassing.

Then, because you dared to point that out, he left you on a night out, and you had to go and get food on your own. While he walked off and went home like a sulking child.

None of this is functional, reasonable behaviour. He's an embarrassment, aggressive, rude and unreasonable. He's extremely inconsiderate towards you.

That's enough on its own.

And that's all before he decided he'd get some revenge on you for daring to call him out and for not following him home begging like a puppy at his heel. He decided he'd take all the power in the situation and "show you". He was no doubt enjoying himself immensely while you were outside repeatedly asking to be let in , til the point when you eventually contacted 101 for help.

You shouldn't have had to go and try to find a hotel with a free room and pay through the nose at night, as a woman on your own.

You shouldn't have to have gone and disturbed friends and been embarrassed having to ask for a bed or to sleep on a sofa, (and maybe having to travel there again as a woman on your own).
As many posters have pointed out, what impression do you think your friends would have of your relationship? Do they know about his "temper" already, have they ever commented?

If you'd been attacked on either of those journeys, it would have been his fault.

But you shouldn't have to have done either .... Just because he's a huffing, power playing, vindictive, (law breaking for that matter, you are a co owner), immature, nasty child.

Calling the police was absolutely the right thing to do. Now the incident has been logged so he might think twice before doing it again or escalating the abuse.

When is the abuse enough to warrant police intervention? When he threatens physical violence, pushes her, punches her or worse? Too many women suffer in silence and put up with too much. At least he now knows the OP won’t be one of them.

You the STBEx?

"Keep your head down" - no, make a noise, don't settle for an arsehole who thinks it's ok to lock you out of your own house

"get on with your day" kind of difficult when he has locked her out of the house..

" in future don't waste police time. " well the police were concerned enough to visit, so better they visited for a welfare check than a dead body eh?

"It might be best to stop drinking too." I could be wrong, but I dont think op was drunk?

Sorry if I’ve missed it - what did he expect you to do? Genuine question.

I had similar when I was 20ish, ex-boyfriend locked me out of our shared flat (so he could shag someone else but that’s another thread) and luckily enough I had my car to sleep in. I’d been at work so wasn’t drunk so didn’t have to worry about cars/police etc but if I’d left my car keys at home like I usually did, I’m not sure what I could have done. Next afternoon when I got in (had to go to Tesco to buy new work clothes as was due in and had worked then slept in the ones I was wearing) he just told me he knew I’d sort something out.

Well done OP you have done the right thing.
It is good that the incident is logged.
If he mentions the recording again tell him the only thing you would be interested in listening to is what the PC actually did say to him when they were alone.

If he was drunk did he understand you didn't have your keys? Did he also think you going out for food was you walking away out of anger with him etc sonin his mind it being a ' big' argument?

Having said that he def should've opened it once you'd called as I assume at that point you told him you were keyless and he just didn't get up and open the door?

If that's the case def not one to keep.

The fact that your partner is anything other than abjectly apologetic this morning tells you everything you need to know.

Posters saying calling the police was overreaction, they'd call a locksmith or break a window are just being dim. How many women have been attacked or worse on their doorsteps trying to get in, or just metres from their homes? or maybe those Posters are men?

Hard disagree. Locksmith or breaking a window are for when you've locked yourself out. This was about coercive behavior which is clearly a police matter. Just a shame they didn't make him delete his recording as well.

OP - this relationship has run its course.

Fully agree with everything said here.

Whatever that police woman said, would have been the usual polite, neutral, non committal filler that any of us would say in that situation so as not to escalate things and not get caught saying anything that could be possibly complained about later.

If there was any unintentional eye rolling, I'd imagine it was in response to anything he said.

I know I'd be eye rolling if a man who'd been caught out locking his partner and co owner out of her own home at night and refusing to let her in after repeated requests, to the point where she's had to phone 101 - tried to say any BS explaining the situation to me

He's conveniently interpreting her neutrality and professionalism and any unintentional micro expressions as sympathetic to him ...... Because he's either delusional or a gas lighter or both.

He's incapable of taking responsibility for his behaviour, so it's gas lighting and lying 101.

Sorry I've just read the updated posts. He's not remorseful at all this morning OP?

Honestly cut this guy loose. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

He's abusive and lucky that he wasn't arrested for threatening behaviour towards the driver he went after.
Locking you out, filming you on the call to 101 it's all signs of coercive control. I think you're going to need to move out as he probably won't. I'd be getting legal advice asap on Monday about how to make sure you get your share of the house when it's sold/he buys you out.
Please talk to women's aid too for support and to be reassured that you're not making a mountain out of a molehill.

The fact that he recorded you to show you in the morning ‘of your behaviour’ is an extremely big red flag. My abusive ex partner used to do this to me. He would emotionally abuse me for hours and then when I finally snapped, he would record my reaction and blame me for my reaction. It’s called reactive abuse.
You say you haven’t seen this sort of behaviour in the ten years you’ve been together, but I think you have, you just haven’t realised. x