WWYD? Partner wouldn’t let me in house after argument

[Wintercrocus]

We had a few drinks after work yesterday with one of his friends. All good, friend went home and we were walking to our local curry place for dinner. Crossing a side road, we both jumped as it seemed like a large car was about to drive at us, but it was actually parking up on the main road (moving too quickly from the other side of the road). Annoying and made me jump but hey. DP was angry and ran to the driver. When I caught up, the driver and several men drinking outside a pub nearby were trying to calm him down, and it looked like DP was trying to hit him. To be clear, this isn’t an everyday occurrence - he has a bad temper and is easily wound up but we’ve been together over 10 years and I’ve never seem him act this aggressively with someone. The driver was speaking calmly and not being aggressive.

We walked on, and I was telling him that threatening to punch someone (I didn’t hear him do this but assume that’s what happened) is not OK! He totally disagreed and said the guy deserved to be punched, then stormed off home. So, I wouldn’t even call it an argument as such - he just stormed off.

I was hungry so stayed out a bit to get some food. Not the curry house but somewhere where I feel less weird eating alone.

I then walked home, arrived at the front door at about 21:30 but didn’t have my keys on me (don’t usually both need keys when we’re out together). Knocked on the door and got no answer. Double checked his location on findmyiphone, which we both use - he was in the house. Tried calling, call rejected. Obviously knocked some more. Tried calling again. He answered and said to stop harassing him. To be clear, he was absolutely aware I was on the doorstep and unable to get in the house. We jointly own the property. No kids.

WWYD?

“I’ve read so many posts from women on here this past week where they say my DH threatens to punch my Dad, my DP called me a cunt, he belittles me in front of our friends, but we’ve been together 10 years and he’s a great Dad. I’m fucking astounded so many put up with this shit, but end up stuck. Don’t be one of these women. Don’t accept a man not letting you in your OWN home.” ^^

Me too.
Get out now. Don’t have children with him. No you were not unreasonable to ring the police. WTAF did he expect you to do? Sleep outside?

He’s a Twat. What did the police say?

This was his poor behaviour, his aggression, his attitude etc and then he stormed home to a nice house and decided to punish you for calling him out. Locking you out etc this man is exactly the same as my father and my father is a highly abusive animal. He once locked me out for 6 hours as he refused to let me take a key as (I wasn’t trusted to have a key to his house where we were staying for a few days at Christmas) I said I would be 2 hours maximin with the children yes children - and he said he would be back so I didn’t need a key. We left at 9 am and we’re back at 11 am and he then turned up at 5 pm we had no where to go and my car keys were in the house.

Absolutely not unreasonable. He crossed the line by locking you out, as it was unreasonable and vindictive. You were vulnerable and he didn't care.

However please take this as a wake up...when in a relationship and you have to resort to calling the police to modify your partner's behaviour...it is over. You cant trust him and I suspect he will be even more vindictive/resentful in future. He should have apologised immediately.

What happened after calling the police? Where are you both now?

Do you want kids in the future? If so then you can't choose someone like him to be their father. That would be unfair.
I'd leave. I can't stand people like him who are bully's and have nasty tempers.

Police was going to be my suggestion.

Of course you weren't unreasonable, how dare he lock you out of your own house!

LTB.

Hope you're ok

Absolutely not unreasonable to call the police.

Please think very hard about next steps now: you’ve seen who he is (aggression to the driver, bullying you); don’t stay to see more.

So he thinks YOU were unreasonable calling the police. Let me guess, he didn't think HE was unreasonable locking you out, leaving you on your own?

You want opinions?

Okay. Leave this abusive piece of shit because once they've done something once, they tend to keep doing it because they know you'll put up with it.

And then it escalates. And escalates.

Have to endorse what OhhhhhhhhBiscuits said: get the house up for sale, delete any thoughts of second chances.
His behaviour is abusive/controlling and tbh he did this simply BECAUSE HE COULD.
Sell the property and him with it!
He clearly believes he was "teaching you a lesson" and demonstrating his perceived position as the senior partner.
What a delusional berk.

You've committed the sin of having others witness his abusive behaviour. Of course he didn't like it. But it doesn't sound like he's particularly sorry, just embarrassed and blaming you.
If he thinks that getting help from the police was unreasonable, what did he actually think would have been a reasonable response?
Oh and leave him. I had a friend with a partner like that, it didn't get better and she finally kicked him out. But she'd have saved herself a lot of misery if she'd done it at the first red flag.

I called 101 after only a few minutes because I expected to be on hold for ages (never called 101 before in my life but I know from friends and family that it can take a long time to get through). Obviously I kept banging on the door in the meantime in case he changed his mind. I also told him I was going to call 101 before I did, hoping the threat of that alone might be enough to get me in the house, but no. I don’t think he believed me.

Got through on the phone after only a couple of minutes surprisingly. So it was all very quick. Maybe I should have stood at the doorstep knocking for much longer first? I don’t know. I assumed I’d be standing there ages while waiting to get through.

As soon as he heard me speaking to the call handler, I heard the door unlock. In retrospect (and acknowledging I’d also been drinking) I feel I should have then said to the call handler all OK and hung up. But I suppose I wanted the incident logged and thought it’d only take a couple of minutes. I was not asking anyone to come out.

I went into the house and sat on the sofa while taking the call (obviously also letting the call handler know he’d now let me in). DP started filming me and moved to sit next to me to film close up, which obviously made me more uncomfortable. The call handler asked if I could move to a different room to speak in private, which I did, although I could hear him standing at the door, presumably still recording everything I said.

I said repeatedly and truthfully that I felt safe, that I had no concerns about violence, and no history with it. I said there was no need for anyone to come out as I was safe. But I guess the call handler probably couldn’t take my word for that, as he knew DP was listening.

2 police ladies came out and spoke to us separately in different rooms. They were only here a few minutes. Mine was sympathetic and reassured me that I wasn’t wasting police time, and even said to call again if he ever did this again. His apparently (his words) felt sorry for him and “rolled her eyes” at it all.

He is furious this morning, going on and on about me wasting police time, making sarcastic comments “why don’t you call 101?” about everything. He is also insisting that I listen to the entire recording later, which I have no interest in doing as it was a shit enough situation at the time.

“I’ve read so many posts from women on here this past week where they say my DH threatens to punch my Dad, my DP called me a cunt, he belittles me in front of our friends, but we’ve been together 10 years and he’s a great Dad. I’m fucking astounded so many put up with this shit, but end up stuck. Don’t be one of these women. Don’t accept a man not letting you in your OWN home.”

I would love to know what some people consider to be a “ great Dad”. The bar seems to be very low for some people.

Just pack your bags today and leave OP, life is too short for this nonsense.

So sorry to read your update @Wintercrocus . What are you going to do ? As others have said ( and in my experience) this sort of behaviour escalates.
He sounds very angry rather than remorseful.

Exactly this.

Nice bit of victim blaming .

No, I’m early 40s and we decided not to have kids a long time ago. I’ve always known he’d be a terrible father because he’s so impatient, so that was one of many factors. But I’m happy with the decision.

I think you've come here from an incel forum, haven't you?

No pp was pointing out op has a choice.
To kowtow to this man for ever or take control of her life
She can choose to stay or go
Op has agency

Wow. You said this in your defence, trying to prove you’re not victim blaming? Incredible.

I cannot imagine the stress of living with a guy like that. My heart is racing just reading about it. He sounds terrifying, filming you like that, trying to attack strangers, lying about the policewoman. So sinister. You could choose a peaceful life for yourself OP.