Non Exclusive Relationship - Should I Bin?

[MrsMertonsCurtains]

I met a guy on OLD a month ago and we have had five really nice dates. We get on brilliantly and there is a strong physical attraction. No sex yet, but on our last date things got a bit steamy and he wanted to progress to doing the deed. Even though I think he is gorgeous and I'm sure the sex would have been amazing, I said no, as I won't have sex unless I'm in an exclusive relationship (I don't think that there is anything wrong with uncommitted sex btw - it's just that I couldn't handle the emotional side of it). That was the first time that exclusivity has been mentioned.

He said that he is unable to offer me an exclusive relationship at the moment, as he is very recently out of a long (20+ years) marriage, and he wants to explore what else is out there. He says that he likes me and may be ready to offer me commitment in a few months time.

He has said that he would like us to carry on dating on a non exclusive basis, even though I have made it absolutely clear that sex would be off the table in those circumstances.

He is very good looking, confident and charming, so he will have no trouble finding other women to date.

So my decision is: do I carry on dating him on said non exclusive basis (while I continue to look elsewhere)? Or do I bin him before I get my heart trashed? I'd be so grateful if anyone has had experience of a similar situation and could advise.

(Incidentally, I've had a really horrible time on OLD, as I've met nothing but players, future fakers, arseholes and general scum, and it doesn't look as though my luck is about to change any time soon ......)

I wouldn’t. I don’t want to be put on hold to be acceptable if he doesn’t find anything better in the next few months! I’d politely decline and end it.

He wants to play, not settle down. You don’t. He’s being honest. He’s not what you want. The sensible thing to do would be to walk away really.

Your wants/needs are not compatible. Throw him back.

I would end it. He wants you on back burner while he’s playing around looking for a better offer.

of course you bin him off 😖

he’s told you he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend, and doesn’t want to be faithful to you.

That’s what all these guys MEAN. People manipulate this into therapy speak about attachment styles and people being emotionally unavailable- but if he met his dream girl, he would want to lock her down and not let other blokes get a look in.

why on earth would you allow a man who wants to use you as free prostitute the pleasure of your company?

Ha, they always think they can get a better offer. He should remember a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!

You want a regular table at a good restaurant. He's happy to have takeaways from all different places.

As nice as he may be, he doesn't have the same goal that you have.

Thank you so much for your feedback.

I had been questioning whether or not five dates was too early to be exclusive, but my gut instinct is to walk away. This isn't a situation that could ever end well.

So terribly disappointing to encounter yet another knobhead

And he said on his OLD profile that he is looking for a monogamous, long term relationship.

What a load of bollocks!

I think you need to make it clear what you want. If you are after an exclusive relationship just say that, then it's up to him to decide how he wants to go about this......he might just need a bit of time. But be confident and true to yourself.

I've met nothing but players,
future fakers, arseholes and general scum
Unfortunately, you've met another one. Bin him.

He might well be- just not with you

that’s not to stick the boot in, or be unkind.

they commit when they want to but still try and scoop up sex where they can.

men who are interested will be giddy over you after date number 1.

Sadly, you are right @CatLevelCare

When I stated that I don't have sex unless I'm in an exclusive relationship, he accused me of issuing him with an ultimatum.

Er - I was just setting out my boundaries, not presenting him with an ultimatum

You sound exceedingly sensible and I agree- if he doesn’t want an exclusive relationship and you do it’s bound to end up in disaster.
he will act like he is your boyfriend until he changes his mind and then say “well I said we were never exclusive”
5 dates and before sex is an entirely reasonable time to ask the question about exclusivity

This, sadly.

Bin.

Bin.

Bin.

He's going to fuck your head up otherwise.

Oh well, that's it then. Byeee.

Stay clear. Onwards and upwards

If he's only very recently out of a 20+ year marriage then I'd steer clear. He'll definitely want to sow some wild oats and "make up for lost time" before getting in to another serious relationship. In one way it's good that he's been honest and told you that he intends seeing other women. You're right to have your boundaries though. Good for you for asserting yourself.

Letting someone know your boundaries is absolutely NOT giving them an ultimatum.

A relationship has to work for both parties - you are entitled to set your requirements. It’s not all about HIS wants.

This isn’t the one for you.

Bin! Keep your standards high!

I find it surprising how many people think it's ok to shag multiple people. I'd hate to think if I was having intimate moments with a woman they could have been doing it with other men in the days or even hours before.

Imagine for a minute if you did sleep with him and then he disappeared after getting what he wanted.

An ultimatum for not wanting to sleep with somebody who advertised on his profile that he wants a long term monogamous relationship, but won't be monogamous with you, the nerve of the asshole!

He said that he is unable to offer me an exclusive relationship at the moment, as he is very recently out of a long (20+ years) marriage, and he wants to explore what else is out there.

Send him a screenshot of his dating profile and tell him to be honest in it.

He says that he likes me and may be ready to offer me commitment in a few months time.

Tell him that you're sorry, in a few months time you will be washing your hair.

Absolutely this!!

I have no doubt that I wouldn't have seen him for dust afterwards, if we had had sex