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Original poster

Non Exclusive Relationship - Should I Bin?

150 replies

MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 21:07

I met a guy on OLD a month ago and we have had five really nice dates. We get on brilliantly and there is a strong physical attraction. No sex yet, but on our last date things got a bit steamy and he wanted to progress to doing the deed. Even though I think he is gorgeous and I'm sure the sex would have been amazing, I said no, as I won't have sex unless I'm in an exclusive relationship (I don't think that there is anything wrong with uncommitted sex btw - it's just that I couldn't handle the emotional side of it). That was the first time that exclusivity has been mentioned.

He said that he is unable to offer me an exclusive relationship at the moment, as he is very recently out of a long (20+ years) marriage, and he wants to explore what else is out there. He says that he likes me and may be ready to offer me commitment in a few months time.

He has said that he would like us to carry on dating on a non exclusive basis, even though I have made it absolutely clear that sex would be off the table in those circumstances.

He is very good looking, confident and charming, so he will have no trouble finding other women to date.

So my decision is: do I carry on dating him on said non exclusive basis (while I continue to look elsewhere)? Or do I bin him before I get my heart trashed? I'd be so grateful if anyone has had experience of a similar situation and could advise.

(Incidentally, I've had a really horrible time on OLD, as I've met nothing but players, future fakers, arseholes and general scum, and it doesn't look as though my luck is about to change any time soon ......)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 11:05

Thanks @josuk - that's a really insightful, thoughtful post.

My last relationship was emotionally abusive and left me very wary. That particular relationship started with him pursuing me strongly. I wasn't particularly fussed about him, but we eventually slept together and because the sex was so good (which was a surprise), I was instantly hooked. He then started to treat me badly, but I stayed in the relationship for four miserable years (albeit the misery was punctuated with amazing sex!).

I then had a brief fling with someone who was nice and who liked me. However the sex was a bit rubbish and I had no problem in walking away.

But I seem to struggle to extricate myself from toxic situations where the sex is good. I'm pretty sure that the sex would have been amazing with this new guy, which was one reason for my reticence. But the non exclusive thing was the definite deal breaker.

OP posts:
Poppyzo · 15/03/2024 11:37

Always trust your gut. I’ve not been brave enough to have an exclusive chat twice with two different guys because they have given me the impression all is fine with me. Then have changed direction, So well done for being open enough to find out.

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 11:42

Sorry about your bad experiences @Poppyzo Dating is brutal x

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 15/03/2024 11:58

MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 21:21

Thank you so much for your feedback.

I had been questioning whether or not five dates was too early to be exclusive, but my gut instinct is to walk away. This isn't a situation that could ever end well.

So terribly disappointing to encounter yet another knobhead

I dated 12 guys simultaneously—no sex or groping—on my way to meeting “the one” who I eventually married. Still with him 33 years later. It was a fascinating experience and gave me a lot of confidence when I asked him (number six) to be exclusive with me. If you really like this man tell him you won’t wait around but he can come back when he figures out what he wants if you haven’t moved on by then. If he chooses you now or later its not a sign that he “couldn’t do better” and you are his fallback. Its a sign that he has decided you are the one against stiff competition.

Antonio85 · 15/03/2024 12:15

Catandsquirrel · 15/03/2024 10:21

It is ok to shag multiple people if you like, as long as they don't think you're only seeing them. You might not like the idea and that's fine, but that doesn't make it wrong for everyone.

Yep end things with this bloke, OP. You want different things.

He needs to drag his sexual politics up to date if he thinks a woman setting out boundaries is an ultimatum.

The profile blurb could be bullshit or it could be that he does want that eventually but not quite yet or with you. Zero reflection on you but don't compromise on what you're looking for.

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@Catandsquirrel it's not wrong for everyone, people can do what they think is right. But I'm not stirring porridge, I find the thought disgusting. But some people won't care and that's fair enough.

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 12:23

pikkumyy77 · 15/03/2024 11:58

I dated 12 guys simultaneously—no sex or groping—on my way to meeting “the one” who I eventually married. Still with him 33 years later. It was a fascinating experience and gave me a lot of confidence when I asked him (number six) to be exclusive with me. If you really like this man tell him you won’t wait around but he can come back when he figures out what he wants if you haven’t moved on by then. If he chooses you now or later its not a sign that he “couldn’t do better” and you are his fallback. Its a sign that he has decided you are the one against stiff competition.

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@pikkumyy77 you are a star! And an inspiration. It must have been a lot of fun x

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 15/03/2024 12:50

It was a blast! I had never dated before. I had 88 responses, dated 12, married one—I always tease him that he is 1 out of 88 but really he is 1 in a million.

Don’t settle or change your boundaries for anyone. Date as widely as you can. Don’t get attached until you really can trust him.

Earthlypowers · 15/03/2024 13:10

Toobluntt · 15/03/2024 04:20

I agree with another poster that this is not quite normal.

Perfectly fine for you to have any boundary you wish - this absolutely includes not wanting to engage in casual sex if it's not for you.

I do think there's a bit of a difference between casual sex, and having sex with a man you like, after several dates in (which would be part and parcel of finding out if the man is for you). I do not blame you for deciding not to go further with a man who has been open & explained he doesn't see a future with you. There's no point - that's not what you're looking for so it sounds like you've dodged a bullet.

That being said, aside from that, the underlying reasons you have behind not having sex unless you're in a strictly exclusive relationship, however, are odd - I think it's extremely dangerous territory to rely on a man for emotional and mental health. This level of emotional attachment after having sex with a man once, sounds very extreme and unhealthy. Sex shouldn't be 'clouding your judgement' at all. This isn't just 'I'd prefer to only have sex when dating exclusively', it's 'I get super emotionally attached and my judgement is clouded after sexual activity'.

I'm not going to ask if you've suffered sexual abuse, it's none of my business. But if you have OP, I'd recommend holding the dating and seeking some help first to work on this. There are a lot of knobs out there, as there are good men. You stand a good chance of not doing OK if you don't take a good look at this.

Let me be clear - I'm not saying sex as an emotional connection is odd - far from it. But what you've described happens with you, and the level of extremity, isn't normal, in any circle I've encountered. We'd usually call it bunny boiling. I'd be quite frightened if a man reacted like this after having sex with me, truth be told. I imagine this kind of behaviour and reaction after sex will be unnerving to blokes, too.

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Oh my god, you are getting this so very wrong! Projecting a character from a film has nothing to do with OP's situation.
And your use of "normal" as in indicating that certain behaviour/reaction is not normal is problematic to say the least.

What is "normal"? How do you define it?
OP reaction is nowhere near extreme and I do not see any issue there.
I think that you are reading into OP's posts too much and projecting your own behaviour and decisions.
OP's post was not about being judgemental about those who feel differently about the same situation. It was about her own boundaries and a moment of weakness when sticking to those in the face of rather aggressive persuasion and manipulation.
All I can say well done OP for keeping the boundaries intact! Take all the pleasure you can from staying authentic to your true self. Peace of mind is definitely worth more than any intercourse.

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 13:36

Earthlypowers · 15/03/2024 13:10

Oh my god, you are getting this so very wrong! Projecting a character from a film has nothing to do with OP's situation.
And your use of "normal" as in indicating that certain behaviour/reaction is not normal is problematic to say the least.

What is "normal"? How do you define it?
OP reaction is nowhere near extreme and I do not see any issue there.
I think that you are reading into OP's posts too much and projecting your own behaviour and decisions.
OP's post was not about being judgemental about those who feel differently about the same situation. It was about her own boundaries and a moment of weakness when sticking to those in the face of rather aggressive persuasion and manipulation.
All I can say well done OP for keeping the boundaries intact! Take all the pleasure you can from staying authentic to your true self. Peace of mind is definitely worth more than any intercourse.

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Ah - thank you @Earthlypowers I'm not quite sure why it is considered so weird and abnormal for a woman to feel attached after sex. I would find being humped and dumped (as would have undoubtedly happened here) really sickening and would simply prefer not to put myself in that position. For me that is easier than getting therapy etc. to work on my aversion to casual sex (although I would never be judgemental about casual sex for those who are genuinely comfortable with it).

We'd usually call it bunny boiling. I'd be quite frightened if a man reacted like this after having sex with me, truth be told.

I can honestly say that I have never boiled anyone's bunny (I've vegetarian apart from anything else!) and have always kept my external behaviour unchanged after sex, so there has never been any reaction to frighten a man. It's all about how I feel inside, which I keep to myself. So no stalking, no obsessive texting, no rabbit pie etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 13:42

I'd rather have @pikkumyy77 as my role model, having a blast with her no sex/groping strategy with 12 men! To me, that's much more fun than trying to be a cool girl, spending ££££ on therapy to deal with horrible feelings of being used and discarded.

Just my personal view though. It's all about what works for you

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 15/03/2024 14:04

Having an aversion to casual sex does not mean you need therapy!!

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 14:23

Projecting a character from a film has nothing to do with OP's situation

A very misogynistic and (to me) offensive film too. In reality, most stalker-ish (i.e. bunny boiling) behaviour is carried out by men, despite the perception of some sexist film maker .....

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 16:50

MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 09:42

Just as an aside, the guy in question is in a VERY complicated, messy situation with his ex and DC. I won't go into details at the risk of outing, but let's just say that he has more baggage than the left luggage at Euston station.

Against my better judgement, I texted him last night along the lines of 'On reflection, I think it's a really great idea to carry on seeing each other while each dating other people, particularly as I'm keen to meet someone whose circumstances are uncomplicated. Very much looking forward to our next date' (not the exact wording, but that was the gist).

OK - I know it was childish and absolutely the wrong thing to do, but it gave me a grim satisfaction. I obviously didn't get a reply - and won't get one, but it was good to have the last word

Much to my surprise, he has texted back and asked if can take me out to dinner either tonight or tomorrow night.

Perhaps things are slow for him on the OLD front this weekend .....

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 15/03/2024 18:16

OP, I think you are now what is known as A Challenge. I think he's made his stance (dishonest as his profile was) very clear and I wouldn't think there has been a major change of heart.

MMmomDD · 15/03/2024 18:22

OP - you don’t really know the guy.
Maybe he is in fact some evil person out to hurt you.
But maybe he is just navigating this dating world post long relationship the way he can.

Don’t be so down on yourself. It is possible he liked you.

Does he want to have sex with you - sure. But you can’t hold it against him.
Did he wonder why you seemed to demand commitment before having sex - yes.
But he must not have done it in a forceful or threatening way - as you did not come out of that experience not wanting to see him.

It may be a good and empowering thing for you to exercise your boundaries and have dinner with him. Have fun at dinner on your terms.

Catoo · 15/03/2024 19:04

MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 16:50

Much to my surprise, he has texted back and asked if can take me out to dinner either tonight or tomorrow night.

Perhaps things are slow for him on the OLD front this weekend .....

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He now thinks you have decided to have sex with him after your message.

Trust your initial gut reaction. We have these instincts to protect us and you knew on some level this was not a man who wanted any kind of commitment with you besides having sex when he sees you. And he confirmed this when you asked.

Unless you want to be in another awkward situation with him avoid. He’s told you what he wants and if you agree to see him now he’ll assume you agree to the T&Cs

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 19:06

Anyway, I turned him down saying that I have plans (which I do - cuddles with my cat tonight and a Tesco delivery tomorrow night!!)

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 15/03/2024 21:32

There are plenty of fish in the sea! Have fun fishing!

iwafs · 15/03/2024 21:39

I cannot offer you an exclusive relationship for a few months translates as: I want to fuck loads of people, I might not have even met some of them yet, and if you say anything about it then you are the baddie AND I do not value you enough to keep my dick in my pants if someone's offering.

It's fucking disrespectful and I don't know what the fuck has happened to our society. You used to date someone because you liked each other and cheating on them wouldn't have entered your head as you fancied your date. Exclusivity used to be the default. Now it's something that needs a "conversation". Awful. I have 2 teenagers and I absolutely bloody despair for them in this cesspool of a society we live in.

Springtime43 · 15/03/2024 23:26

Exclusivity used to be the default.

YES! So what on earth went wrong?

AreWeThereYet69 · 16/03/2024 00:14

MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 00:07

Yes! I was subjected to a long lecture about how we are both adults and how life is too short not to just have a night of fun. Then I underwent an interrogation asking me why I have such a regressive sexual attitude. It was finished off with a description of his knob, which is apparently enormous, breathtakingly beautiful and has women swooning at the sight! Yeah right. I really missed our didn't I? NOT!

Typing this has made me realise how ridiculous the situation was, but at the time it just made me feel belittled and that I was dull and boring.

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That sounds like he's in a complete ego trip 🤮

AreWeThereYet69 · 16/03/2024 00:36

Springtime43 · 15/03/2024 08:14

I can’t do casual. It takes me a while to build a connection with someone enough to kiss them let alone have sex abs You ll be open about that from day one.

Despite what the amateur psychiatrists on here think, having boundaries around exclusivity isn’t a trauma response - it’s what’s very normal for many people’s standards of sexual behaviour.

The whole multi dating thing that’s been told to us is the norm since OLD is a hugely regressive step that’s conditioned us into thinking monogamy is weird, repressed or prudish

Totally agree!

Yep me too!
When I first started OND I told a guy after our 2na dates I wasn't into having a 3rd as he was still dating others. A friend recently saw he's still on the sites. It's well over 5 years now hes on them. He supposedly wants to a relationship.
I'm over 2 years into a very happy, fulfilling relationship with a guy I met right after that. We both said on date 2, we weren't into multi dating. I don't get what the rush is. If you have a date and you click, focus on that

iwafs · 16/03/2024 01:01

WTAF at this below. What an utter dickhead he sounds. If he's got all these women swooning, where the fuck are they and why is he out online dating when one or many of these mysterious women could be riding his beautiful dick.

Yes! I was subjected to a long lecture about how we are both adults and how life is too short not to just have a night of fun. Then I underwent an interrogation asking me why I have such a regressive sexual attitude. It was finished off with a description of his knob, which is apparently enormous, breathtakingly beautiful and has women swooning at the sight! Yeah right. I really missed our didn't I? NOT!

Typing this has made me realise how ridiculous the situation was, but at the time it just made me feel belittled and that I was dull and boring.

kkloo · 16/03/2024 01:18

MrsMertonsCurtains · 15/03/2024 19:06

Anyway, I turned him down saying that I have plans (which I do - cuddles with my cat tonight and a Tesco delivery tomorrow night!!)

Well done.

Then I underwent an interrogation asking me why I have such a regressive sexual attitude.

This would give me the ick completely. Please don't go back there to this man. Any man who will try to manipulate a woman by trying to shame her into feeling like she's a prude is an absolute arsehole and he's not going to change any time soon.

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 16/03/2024 07:59

WTAF at this below. What an utter dickhead he sounds. If he's got all these women swooning, where the fuck are they and why is he out online dating when one or many of these mysterious women could be riding his beautiful dick.

Good point @iwafs He actually lives an hour away, so why go to all the trouble of making a two hour round trip a couple of times a week for zero sex, as he has been doing, when surely all he has to do is to waft his irresistible knob around his locality to have swarms of women breathlessly queuing up?

OP posts:
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