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Original poster

Non Exclusive Relationship - Should I Bin?

150 replies

MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 21:07

I met a guy on OLD a month ago and we have had five really nice dates. We get on brilliantly and there is a strong physical attraction. No sex yet, but on our last date things got a bit steamy and he wanted to progress to doing the deed. Even though I think he is gorgeous and I'm sure the sex would have been amazing, I said no, as I won't have sex unless I'm in an exclusive relationship (I don't think that there is anything wrong with uncommitted sex btw - it's just that I couldn't handle the emotional side of it). That was the first time that exclusivity has been mentioned.

He said that he is unable to offer me an exclusive relationship at the moment, as he is very recently out of a long (20+ years) marriage, and he wants to explore what else is out there. He says that he likes me and may be ready to offer me commitment in a few months time.

He has said that he would like us to carry on dating on a non exclusive basis, even though I have made it absolutely clear that sex would be off the table in those circumstances.

He is very good looking, confident and charming, so he will have no trouble finding other women to date.

So my decision is: do I carry on dating him on said non exclusive basis (while I continue to look elsewhere)? Or do I bin him before I get my heart trashed? I'd be so grateful if anyone has had experience of a similar situation and could advise.

(Incidentally, I've had a really horrible time on OLD, as I've met nothing but players, future fakers, arseholes and general scum, and it doesn't look as though my luck is about to change any time soon ......)

OP posts:
mumyes · 14/03/2024 22:06

As Katherine Ryan always says, never date for potential.

bin bin bin him

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:07

Send him a screenshot of his dating profile and tell him to be honest in it.

Except an honest profile wouldn't result in many matches for him!

OP posts:
Antonio85 · 14/03/2024 22:08

MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:04

Absolutely this!!

I have no doubt that I wouldn't have seen him for dust afterwards, if we had had sex

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@MrsMertonsCurtains yep. It's like a game to those guys. Most grow out of it

AnotherDelphinium · 14/03/2024 22:08

Yup, he’s a future faker and another knob head… just better at playing a game than some previous ones you’ve encountered!

Bin. Block. Don’t look back!

Grimchmas · 14/03/2024 22:10

MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:07

Send him a screenshot of his dating profile and tell him to be honest in it.

Except an honest profile wouldn't result in many matches for him!

Exactly!

Or so he thinks.

In reality there are women out there who want casual sex too, in sure a good looking guy wouldn't have too many problems if he were honest.

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:15

It's all very disappointing, as we had some nice dates. I'm sad to know that he has turned out to be yet another shitty guy.

To be honest, I think I would be fine to date someone on a non exclusive basis for a couple of months, just to see how it goes. But only if it's non sexual dates and in this case, I was being very heavily pressured into having sex. I'm very glad that I resisted!

OP posts:
Antonio85 · 14/03/2024 22:16

Grimchmas · 14/03/2024 22:10

Exactly!

Or so he thinks.

In reality there are women out there who want casual sex too, in sure a good looking guy wouldn't have too many problems if he were honest.

Show quote history

@Grimchmas nah he says what he wants them to hear then moves the goal posts at the last minute when he thinks they're too far into him to go back. If he was honest he wouldn't find it as easy. He'd still do alright though if he's good looking but not to the same extent.

Springtime43 · 14/03/2024 22:24

I think all this exclusive/non-exclusive stuff is really unpleasant. What’s wrong with dating someone, seeing how it goes, and if it doesn’t pan out, starting again with someone else? Trying out multiple people at the same time just seems really grubby.

Antonio85 · 14/03/2024 22:27

Springtime43 · 14/03/2024 22:24

I think all this exclusive/non-exclusive stuff is really unpleasant. What’s wrong with dating someone, seeing how it goes, and if it doesn’t pan out, starting again with someone else? Trying out multiple people at the same time just seems really grubby.

@Springtime43 I think it's filthy. Like I couldn't do it in a million years. I expect the same in return it's a non negotiable.

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:28

He'd still do alright though if he's good looking but not to the same extent

Oh - he will do alright. He is very good looking and convincing.

The more I think about it, the more angry I am that he made me feel weird and prudish for my 'no sex before exclusivity' stance. He clearly thought that I was being ridiculous and pathetic and kept emphasising that 'we are both adults and why not just have fun?'. He obviously had no respect for my boundaries.

OP posts:
Antonio85 · 14/03/2024 22:30

MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:28

He'd still do alright though if he's good looking but not to the same extent

Oh - he will do alright. He is very good looking and convincing.

The more I think about it, the more angry I am that he made me feel weird and prudish for my 'no sex before exclusivity' stance. He clearly thought that I was being ridiculous and pathetic and kept emphasising that 'we are both adults and why not just have fun?'. He obviously had no respect for my boundaries.

@MrsMertonsCurtains As alright as he does, you can take some satisfaction in the fact that he never got what he wanted from you

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:35

As alright as he does, you can take some satisfaction in the fact that he never got what he wanted from you

Indeed @Antonio85 I can take a great deal of satisfaction from that!

OP posts:
Antonio85 · 14/03/2024 22:36

@MrsMertonsCurtains The curtains of Mrs Merton are definitely closed for that dubious, promiscuous fella. 😂

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:43

@MrsMertonsCurtainsThe curtains of Mrs Merton are definitely closed for that dubious, promiscuous fella. 😂

@Antonio85 Haha - love it!!!!!

OP posts:
SamW98 · 14/03/2024 22:48

Springtime43 · 14/03/2024 22:24

I think all this exclusive/non-exclusive stuff is really unpleasant. What’s wrong with dating someone, seeing how it goes, and if it doesn’t pan out, starting again with someone else? Trying out multiple people at the same time just seems really grubby.

Totally agree. I don’t know when this started to be considered the normal and acceptable way to date.

Though according to some on here, it’s always been how everyone dated going back to the 80’s - well it certainly wasn’t the norm in the circles I moved in. Dating more than one person was two timing, sleeping with multiples was cheating and an instant dump.

If that makes me old fashioned I’ll own that

Antonio85 · 14/03/2024 22:51

SamW98 · 14/03/2024 22:48

Totally agree. I don’t know when this started to be considered the normal and acceptable way to date.

Though according to some on here, it’s always been how everyone dated going back to the 80’s - well it certainly wasn’t the norm in the circles I moved in. Dating more than one person was two timing, sleeping with multiples was cheating and an instant dump.

If that makes me old fashioned I’ll own that

Edited
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@SamW98 I'm not stirring porridge. Forget that!

ZebraD · 14/03/2024 22:51

It has helped you cut to the chase but letting him know you prefer to exclusive to sleep with him, he doesn’t want to be exclusive. He may see it as a challenge to sleep with you when he says let’s keep seeing each other - just leave it. You want different things. If you sleep with him he will ditch you.

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:54

SamW98 · 14/03/2024 22:48

Totally agree. I don’t know when this started to be considered the normal and acceptable way to date.

Though according to some on here, it’s always been how everyone dated going back to the 80’s - well it certainly wasn’t the norm in the circles I moved in. Dating more than one person was two timing, sleeping with multiples was cheating and an instant dump.

If that makes me old fashioned I’ll own that

Edited
Show quote history

I'm inclined to agree. I had been considering dating this guy on a non exclusive (non sexual) basis in the interests of being 'the cool girl', but I think it would just wreck my head. The modern way of dating just seems to be so disrespectful - and flipping complicated too! There are now all the stages of exclusive, committed, official, boyfriend/girlfriend etc. and it makes my head spin

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 14/03/2024 22:55

Ah, there’s Insta Official too!

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 22:56

Springtime43 · 14/03/2024 22:55

Ah, there’s Insta Official too!

Aaaaargh!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 23:00

I really am so grateful to all you lovely posters.

I had been anguishing over this situation, but you have made it so clear. I had been considering playing it cool and carrying on dating this guy, but I now see that he is just a common or garden sleazebag who needs bunging into the non recyclable waste. Thank you lovely people

OP posts:
Jk987 · 14/03/2024 23:01

Why are people still saying he's a knobhead? He's being honest which is all you can ask for! Some people enjoy a fling with no commitment either way. OP wants exclusivity first. No one is in the wrong here!

Antonio85 · 14/03/2024 23:03

Jk987 · 14/03/2024 23:01

Why are people still saying he's a knobhead? He's being honest which is all you can ask for! Some people enjoy a fling with no commitment either way. OP wants exclusivity first. No one is in the wrong here!

@Jk987 he isn't though. He's set his profile like a respectable fella but he has one intention.

Original poster
MrsMertonsCurtains · 14/03/2024 23:07

Jk987 · 14/03/2024 23:01

Why are people still saying he's a knobhead? He's being honest which is all you can ask for! Some people enjoy a fling with no commitment either way. OP wants exclusivity first. No one is in the wrong here!

Hmmmm - he is being honest NOW. Not so honest on his OLD profile where he states that he is looking for something monogamous and long term.

I do take onboard the point that he doesn't want to be monogamous and long term with ME, but in that case, he should officially dump me before looking elsewhere, rather than suggesting that we continue dating non exclusively

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 14/03/2024 23:16

I do take onboard the point that he doesn't want to be monogamous and long term with ME, but in that case, he should officially dump me before looking elsewhere, rather than suggesting that we continue dating non exclusively

Absolutely. I really couldn’t date someone if I knew he was seeing other people, it would ruin it for me.