Non Exclusive Relationship - Should I Bin?

[MrsMertonsCurtains]

I met a guy on OLD a month ago and we have had five really nice dates. We get on brilliantly and there is a strong physical attraction. No sex yet, but on our last date things got a bit steamy and he wanted to progress to doing the deed. Even though I think he is gorgeous and I'm sure the sex would have been amazing, I said no, as I won't have sex unless I'm in an exclusive relationship (I don't think that there is anything wrong with uncommitted sex btw - it's just that I couldn't handle the emotional side of it). That was the first time that exclusivity has been mentioned.

He said that he is unable to offer me an exclusive relationship at the moment, as he is very recently out of a long (20+ years) marriage, and he wants to explore what else is out there. He says that he likes me and may be ready to offer me commitment in a few months time.

He has said that he would like us to carry on dating on a non exclusive basis, even though I have made it absolutely clear that sex would be off the table in those circumstances.

He is very good looking, confident and charming, so he will have no trouble finding other women to date.

So my decision is: do I carry on dating him on said non exclusive basis (while I continue to look elsewhere)? Or do I bin him before I get my heart trashed? I'd be so grateful if anyone has had experience of a similar situation and could advise.

(Incidentally, I've had a really horrible time on OLD, as I've met nothing but players, future fakers, arseholes and general scum, and it doesn't look as though my luck is about to change any time soon ......)

why would he do that? you posted this thread seriously considering him to continue dating him!

he wants sex. He’s a chancer. He’s hoping you’ll get carried away next time.

he didn’t ‘dump’ you, because it’s not that deep to him.

I can’t really imagine going on a date with someone with the knowledge that he might have slept with someone else that same week tbh.

why would he do that? you posted this thread seriously considering him to continue dating him!

he wants sex. He’s a chancer. He’s hoping you’ll get carried away next time.

he didn’t ‘dump’ you, because it’s not that deep to him.

Fair point @NavyPeer Guess I had him confused with someone with decency and ethics. I'll know better next time!

Indeed - ick!

Never make someone a priority if they only see you as an option.

He will always be looking over your shoulder for another option. Bin him and don’t bother with “what if…”.

It’s more ‘old fashioned’ to multiple date.

and dating doesn’t mean ‘shagging’

going out with a range of nice blokes, some dinner, some drinks, seeing who you click with- no intimacy or emotional entanglement. Proceeding when you know the person better and there is spark and mutual interest.

It’s not in women’s interest to date ‘exclusively’ in this early stage. Eggs are put in one basket, feelings get caught and it easily becomes a situationship.

Some men can be far too happy to ‘see how things go’ and waste your time- and you miss out on that meaningful connection as you’re dealing with a headfuck of a not-boyfriend.

.

Completely agree, it's just rotten. And especially for people in their 40's and 50's who have come out of a longish relationships. There's no way that was any way acceptable back in the day.
OP sounds like you went with your gut and 100% made the right decision not to sleep with him. I wouldn't see him again.
Byeeeeeee

Or the same day. Urrrrgh!

A splendid way of putting it, Doctor. Fabulous name BTW.

He tried to make her feel pathetic and foolish for her boundaries. That’s what makes him unpleasant.

Yes! I was subjected to a long lecture about how we are both adults and how life is too short not to just have a night of fun. Then I underwent an interrogation asking me why I have such a regressive sexual attitude. It was finished off with a description of his knob, which is apparently enormous, breathtakingly beautiful and has women swooning at the sight! Yeah right. I really missed our didn't I? NOT!

Typing this has made me realise how ridiculous the situation was, but at the time it just made me feel belittled and that I was dull and boring.

@MrsMertonsCurtains

I don’t understand how anybody agree to commitment/exclusivity before knowing each other for a bit; and actually having had sex…
How do you know if this total stranger is right for you to be exclusive with?

You barely know each other. Other than chemistry - you have no idea if you are sexually compatible. He may be terrible in bed 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s like insisting on marriage before having sex…

Let’s say you agree to be exclusive now. Proceed to have sex and it’s terrible. You then what - break up?

I think you are massively cutting your chances of having any relationship develop naturally by making such unrealistic conditions.

This guy is not a player. Or - he would have told you what you wanted to hear. Instead he was honest. It is totally normal to start slow and date around. Especially as you are out of a 20year relationship…
It‘s better to spend time getting to know someone for a while before deciding on exclusivity.

Which is what he suggested - respecting your ‘no sex yet’ preference…

Dating always has a risk. At the start you don’t know each other… And it takes a long time - and living through various life situations to figure out if there is future.
Your insisting on such accelerated timeline at the start of it - will just mean you will miss out on relationships that won’t get to go anywhere.
And - you’ll keep getting actual players who will tell you exactly what you want - and drop you promptly after they are done playing games.

Maybe you are not quite ready to date yet? What caused you to be so scared to take a chance?

@josuk Err he didn't respect her 'no sex preference' at all! He was trying to pressure OP into sex. Having sex with multiple people was called sleeping around in my day. Now you're saying it's taking things slow 😄 Each to their own, but don't pretend it's something it isn't.

Maybe you are not quite ready to date yet? What caused you to be so scared to take a chance?

@josuk It's just that I get very emotionally attached after I have had sex and that impairs my judgement. So I need to be sure that my sexual partner is a good, decent person before I have sex as I can't trust my judgement after I have had sex and let my guard down. I don't want to get hurt and having sex with an unfaithful partner would hurt me. Could I ask if you are a man @josuk ?

Oh with that added information, I'm wondering why you didn't bail immediately!

Just pondering though - take it or leave it - I'm not sure about the 'I won't have sex unless it's exclusive' line. For sure, have and keep that boundary. But when you express it like that, it does seem a bit transactional, sex as a reward for doing what you want. More importantly it also gives chancers an easy way to lie their way into bed with you.

I think I'd stick with something a bit more vague - I'm not ready, I need to get to know you better, I'd like to explore our connection more, etc,etc. rather than giving them something tangible to argue with/lie about. Have the exclusivity conversation separately when the time is right.

I think I'd stick with something a bit more vague - I'm not ready, I need to get to know you better, I'd like to explore our connection more, etc,etc. rather than giving them something tangible to argue with/lie about. Have the exclusivity conversation separately when the time is right.

Thanks @SuperstarDeejay That's a really good suggestion - much appreciated. You are right - the 'exclusive' boundary does sound transactional - as evidenced by the fact that it was interpreted as an ultimatum (which it wasn't intended to be). Plus, as you point out, it leaves the door open for chancers to lie to get sex. An 'I'm not ready etc.' statement can't be argued against, as it refers to a feeling and not a set of external circumstances

@MrsMertonsCurtains

OP - it is not quite usual to become strongly emotionally attached to a man after one sexual encounter as to not be able to trust your judgement.
I don’t even know how to comment on that. Have you ever tried to explore why that is? Have you had any traumas, or particularly strict upbringing?

It seems that you imprint on a man like new born chicks imprint on a parent figure next to them. Instead of actually taking time and actually getting to know a person and letting your emotions develop from within.

The poster above had a great suggestion re phrasing. It does seem that you were trading sex for exclusivity in the way you were putting it to him. I do not know anyone who’d take it well.
Saying you need time and get to know the other person more before going further is much better.
It won’t resolve the issue completely - because with this one - or any other guy - the time will come when you have gone on enough dates to move onto having sex by most people’s expectations.

But with most people exclusivity talk won’t go well before sexual compatibility has been confirmed. Which you seem to not even understand or consider . It seems that you think of sex as something a woman allows a man to do to her. Rather than something a woman engages in for HER pleasure.
And most people won’t commit to an exclusive physical relationship without confirming that sex with that person is good.

Just as a thought - maybe you’ll do better on Christian dating sites. I think you’ll find it easier with people who would share your more cautious approach to dating/sex.

What is your relationship history, btw?

PS
Not a man. Two c-sections can vouch for that.

Why don’t you just chill out with the attempt at deep psychological review of the OP? She has already explained what she meant and has her answer. You just don’t want to accept it.

Incidentally, I've had a really horrible time on OLD, as I've met nothing but players, future fakers, arseholes and general scum, and it doesn't look as though my luck is about to change any time soon

it sounds like you need an overhaul of the type of guy you are messaging. Are you just going for looks or OLD profiles with topless mirror selfies?!

I agree with another poster that this is not quite normal.

Perfectly fine for you to have any boundary you wish - this absolutely includes not wanting to engage in casual sex if it's not for you.

I do think there's a bit of a difference between casual sex, and having sex with a man you like, after several dates in (which would be part and parcel of finding out if the man is for you). I do not blame you for deciding not to go further with a man who has been open & explained he doesn't see a future with you. There's no point - that's not what you're looking for so it sounds like you've dodged a bullet.

That being said, aside from that, the underlying reasons you have behind not having sex unless you're in a strictly exclusive relationship, however, are odd - I think it's extremely dangerous territory to rely on a man for emotional and mental health. This level of emotional attachment after having sex with a man once, sounds very extreme and unhealthy. Sex shouldn't be 'clouding your judgement' at all. This isn't just 'I'd prefer to only have sex when dating exclusively', it's 'I get super emotionally attached and my judgement is clouded after sexual activity'.

I'm not going to ask if you've suffered sexual abuse, it's none of my business. But if you have OP, I'd recommend holding the dating and seeking some help first to work on this. There are a lot of knobs out there, as there are good men. You stand a good chance of not doing OK if you don't take a good look at this.

Let me be clear - I'm not saying sex as an emotional connection is odd - far from it. But what you've described happens with you, and the level of extremity, isn't normal, in any circle I've encountered. We'd usually call it bunny boiling. I'd be quite frightened if a man reacted like this after having sex with me, truth be told. I imagine this kind of behaviour and reaction after sex will be unnerving to blokes, too.

@josuk
It’s not that weird to insist on sexual exclusivity. It’s very important to me too. I have no interest whatsoever in being one of several women a man is sleeping with at the same time. Even in very casual relationships where we both agreed it wasn’t going anywhere and it was just a fling/friends with benefits type situation, I have made it clear that I am only interested in continuing if we are sexually exclusive. In those situations, if the man wanted to sleep with someone else, that wouldn’t have been an issue, I had no expectations of a long term committed relationship, but it would have been the end of our arrangement.

I have to agree with a PP in that, I don't think he's a bad guy here, as yet anyway. You have your boundaries and his are different. I wouldn't offer exclusivity without sleeping with someone first. Ultimately though, a good sex life is important to me. To offer exclusivity and then realise after sex that the attraction was only on paper, would be a tricky one to negotiate. That being said, I appreciate you feel emotionally drawn after sex, but maybe try to disengage from that a little. It doesn't mean he's lying on his profile, just that the right person needs to be completely the right fit. It's also not unreasonable to want to wait before delving into that deep monogamous relationship after being married so long. But you know your boundaries and if you genuinely can't disconnect the two ( sex and having a nice time with him) then you can cast him back.

Urrgh, god, what a loser. I got told I was a "victim of the patriarchy" once by an OLD guy when I refused his repeated attempts to hassle me into sex after a first date. What are these guys on?

I absolutely know what the OP means about sex clouding her judgement. Sex releases the bonding hormone oxytocin (as does breastfeeding!) and in my dating days I also found myself getting attached to someone unsuitable after sex. I can imagine this is different for different people, but I don't think the OP's reaction has to be linked to trauma. It might just be that she has a stronger response. It is definitely a common response among women but, obviously, not all women will respond in that way!

If after 5 dates he's not even willing to give up dating others for a while then I don't see him settling down with you any time soon. You could friend zone him if you think his company is that great and you wouldn't be hurt?