Non Exclusive Relationship - Should I Bin?

[MrsMertonsCurtains]

I met a guy on OLD a month ago and we have had five really nice dates. We get on brilliantly and there is a strong physical attraction. No sex yet, but on our last date things got a bit steamy and he wanted to progress to doing the deed. Even though I think he is gorgeous and I'm sure the sex would have been amazing, I said no, as I won't have sex unless I'm in an exclusive relationship (I don't think that there is anything wrong with uncommitted sex btw - it's just that I couldn't handle the emotional side of it). That was the first time that exclusivity has been mentioned.

He said that he is unable to offer me an exclusive relationship at the moment, as he is very recently out of a long (20+ years) marriage, and he wants to explore what else is out there. He says that he likes me and may be ready to offer me commitment in a few months time.

He has said that he would like us to carry on dating on a non exclusive basis, even though I have made it absolutely clear that sex would be off the table in those circumstances.

He is very good looking, confident and charming, so he will have no trouble finding other women to date.

So my decision is: do I carry on dating him on said non exclusive basis (while I continue to look elsewhere)? Or do I bin him before I get my heart trashed? I'd be so grateful if anyone has had experience of a similar situation and could advise.

(Incidentally, I've had a really horrible time on OLD, as I've met nothing but players, future fakers, arseholes and general scum, and it doesn't look as though my luck is about to change any time soon ......)

Ps great boundaries well done

I'd say there is no set number of dates, but more the long term goal that's relevant. Here he's telling you he 'wants to see what's out there' ie wanting to sleep around and have lots of fun. He's likely hoping you change your stance and sleep with him as you get to know him, especially as you've got close to last time, whilst he continues to sleep with others. At least he's being honest but it's not what you want or need

"When I stated that I don't have sex unless I'm in an exclusive relationship, he accused me of issuing him with an ultimatum."*
*
You can tell a LOT about a person by the way they react when you say something they don't want to hear. You put a totally reasonable boundary in place and his response was to accuse you of something. A decent chap would have said one of two things that a) he'd be willing to keep on dating and see how it went or b) the arrangement wasn't for him and it would be better if you stopped seeing each other.

Stick to your boundaries OP.

wow you seriously can't really believe that 'most' people won't want to discuss exclusivity until sexual compatibility is established?

i don't want to date a load of people at the same time and shag then all so I won't be doing that. I also don't want to have sex with someone who's doing that - this is not unusual. Can't stand this exclusivity bollox - you date someone and decide if you feel
comfy developing relationship further. If not, fine, end and move on. If you just want to have sex and fun then also fine - but not through the medium of dating.

This weird hybrid model is a step back imo - particularly for women. Doesn't mean we are repressed prudes.

and on the subject of 'exclusivity' it's somehow been given a magical status of commitment. Ive been 'exclusive' with partners i'm not seriously committed to because we are in the early stages of a relationship. if i want to date someone else, i end it first

He's not a knobhead, he just doesn't want a relationship. He's outright told you that.

Just say, give me a call when you get bored of dating millions of different women and you fancy something exclusive. At some point you'll get a phone call and you can decide then. These guys just go round and round the dating fish bowl.

Absolutely 💯 agree

I don’t want to get married or live with anyone again but even in a FWB thing it’s exclusive only.

Im not sleeping with a man if he’s sticking it other people - that’s grubby imo. Each to their own but it’s not something that I’ll accept.

I can’t do casual. It takes me a while to build a connection with someone enough to kiss them let alone have sex abs You ll be open about that from day one.

Despite what the amateur psychiatrists on here think, having boundaries around exclusivity isn’t a trauma response - it’s what’s very normal for many people’s standards of sexual behaviour.

The whole multi dating thing that’s been told to us is the norm since OLD is a hugely regressive step that’s conditioned us into thinking monogamy is weird, repressed or prudish.

I can’t do casual. It takes me a while to build a connection with someone enough to kiss them let alone have sex abs You ll be open about that from day one.

Despite what the amateur psychiatrists on here think, having boundaries around exclusivity isn’t a trauma response - it’s what’s very normal for many people’s standards of sexual behaviour.

The whole multi dating thing that’s been told to us is the norm since OLD is a hugely regressive step that’s conditioned us into thinking monogamy is weird, repressed or prudish

Totally agree!

End it.

You both want different things. You are perfectly entitled to have your own standards and boundaries.

Great post @SamW98 and I completely agree.

Yes, I had a strict upbringing and yes, I've experienced some pretty shitty behaviour from men over the years, but I don't think that my reluctance to rush into sex is based on some sort of trauma response.

Similarly, I could spend a ton of time and money on therapy to explore why I get emotionally bonded after sex and to explore ways of having casual sex without getting hurt. Or I could just continue to walk away from crappy, sub standard offers of non exclusive sex that I know would make me miserable in the long run.

Incidentally, I also don't want to get married or live with anyone again. I just want someone nice and attractive - and monogamous - to share good times with.

This.
From what he's saying you're just a stop gap - and already seem in too deep.

The whole multi dating thing that’s been told to us is the norm since OLD is a hugely regressive step that’s conditioned us into thinking monogamy is weird, repressed or prudish

I really hate the way that the current dating scene is based on a male ideal of a multi shag fest. As women, we are supposed to play the cool girl and if we have the temerity not to want to play along, the onus is on us to justify our apparent sexual repression. We're not allowed to just say no, but have to go into long explanations - probably involving some sort of psychoanalysis into why apparent past trauma has made us reluctant to participate in an endless multi partner shag-a-thon. It all seems to be set up for the benefit of men.

Incidentally, I really enjoy sex, and I'm definitely not repressed in that department. It just has to be at the right time with the right person

Not at all - I go for thoughtful, reasonably intelligent profiles and don't place a massive focus on looks (definitely no topless mirror selfies!). Hence I rarely swipe right! There are just a lot of unpleasant men on the sites unfortunately.

Incidentally, @josuk , I know a couple of religious women who have had bad experiences on Christian dating sites. It would appear that these sites are magnets for sleazy, deceitful men who think that Christian women are naive and hence easily manipulated into bed (I'm atheist by the way)

Totally agree. This whole dating scene is supposed guilt trip us into going against our core belief in monogamy and we’re expected to justify saying no - and yet we’re vilified by other women for sticking to our boundaries.

Zero trauma in my previous relationships. With the right person I’m very sexual but I’m not shagging randoms after 3 nights down the pub just to be a cool girl. I’m 55 - fuck that!!

I had a mostly successful 23 year relationship that drifted and I’m still good friends with my ex H. That didn’t give me Carte Blanche to think I needed to go out and sleep with a string of men just to get it out my system.

Tbh it’s hard enough to find one man to date
with the slim pickings out there alone multiples 🤣

Stick to your strong boundaries and listen to your gut. This one’s not the one for you - move on

With the right person I’m very sexual but I’m not shagging randoms after 3 nights down the pub just to be a cool girl.

Well said @SamW98 and same here!

He put pressure on her though and made her feel ridiculous for wanting to look for an exclusive relationship. I thought that was a red flag regardless of how honest he was about what he wanted.

👏🏻

Just as an aside, the guy in question is in a VERY complicated, messy situation with his ex and DC. I won't go into details at the risk of outing, but let's just say that he has more baggage than the left luggage at Euston station.

Against my better judgement, I texted him last night along the lines of 'On reflection, I think it's a really great idea to carry on seeing each other while each dating other people, particularly as I'm keen to meet someone whose circumstances are uncomplicated. Very much looking forward to our next date' (not the exact wording, but that was the gist).

OK - I know it was childish and absolutely the wrong thing to do, but it gave me a grim satisfaction. I obviously didn't get a reply - and won't get one, but it was good to have the last word

Yeah that's kind of hilarious. Basically, you're not the catch you think you are mate😁To be honest though, most people on these apps are depressingly promiscuous. He has just bene honest about it.

Oh - he thinks that he is the catch of the year (he is very confident). He particularly likes to wax lyrical about the fact that he is (apparently) very well endowed. Well, he can now take his - ahem - endowment elsewhere .....

It is ok to shag multiple people if you like, as long as they don't think you're only seeing them. You might not like the idea and that's fine, but that doesn't make it wrong for everyone.

Yep end things with this bloke, OP. You want different things.

He needs to drag his sexual politics up to date if he thinks a woman setting out boundaries is an ultimatum.

The profile blurb could be bullshit or it could be that he does want that eventually but not quite yet or with you. Zero reflection on you but don't compromise on what you're looking for.

Just as an aside, the guy in question is in a VERY complicated, messy situation with his ex and DC. I won't go into details at the risk of outing, but let's just say that he has more baggage than the left luggage at Euston station.

Of course he does! OF COURSE! Btw, this is a red flag - anyone droning on about their ex is one to avoid. Remember that when a man really, genuinely likes you, even if this is true, he wouldn't mention it because he wouldn't want to put you off. Test it out, ask any of your friends/family in happy relationships, 'did you/your partner drone on about your psycho ex when you first met?'. They will all say no.

You made the right decision to sack him off.

The profile blurb could be bullshit or it could be that he does want that eventually but not quite yet or with you.

@Catandsquirrel He had the cheek to say that he would be open to having a committed relationship with me in a few months time if we are both still single then - i.e. if he hasn't met anyone better. Er - not interested in being a back up plan

@MrsMertonsCurtains

OP - i didn’t suggest you need therapy to have casual sex. It has nothing to do with that.

But the level of imprinting you have on a man after one sexual encounter is unhealthy and makes you very vulnerable to ending up in an abusive relationship.
Insisting on exclusivity doesn’t guarantee the man would treat you right in the long term.
Not all men are bad, but many only show their true colours with time. But if the sex will make sure you will be this strongly attached to them irrespective of how they are in a relationship - it’s dangerous.

None of the above is about this guy, btw. He is not important.

It’s completely normal not to want casual sex. And many people form attachment when getting intimate. BUT your level of fast extreme attachment is really abnormal, and more importantly very risky and dangerous for you.
I think you know it - by the way you said you don’t want to marry or live with someone again. It sounds like your Ex mis-used your bond to him and it must have been hard to get away.

So - while it’s great you are trying to protect yourself with these boundaries - but it won’t necessarily help.
Maybe you’ll get lucky and meet a nice normal man who will not turn abusive. But that is a big gamble. So many men start
of appearing normal, and as time goes on mistreat their partners and worse.

Maybe with therapy you can get less vulnerable and be able to listen to your judgement. And maybe you will learn to form healthier bonds to men that won’t have you quite as vulnerable.