Non Exclusive Relationship - Should I Bin?

[MrsMertonsCurtains]

I met a guy on OLD a month ago and we have had five really nice dates. We get on brilliantly and there is a strong physical attraction. No sex yet, but on our last date things got a bit steamy and he wanted to progress to doing the deed. Even though I think he is gorgeous and I'm sure the sex would have been amazing, I said no, as I won't have sex unless I'm in an exclusive relationship (I don't think that there is anything wrong with uncommitted sex btw - it's just that I couldn't handle the emotional side of it). That was the first time that exclusivity has been mentioned.

He said that he is unable to offer me an exclusive relationship at the moment, as he is very recently out of a long (20+ years) marriage, and he wants to explore what else is out there. He says that he likes me and may be ready to offer me commitment in a few months time.

He has said that he would like us to carry on dating on a non exclusive basis, even though I have made it absolutely clear that sex would be off the table in those circumstances.

He is very good looking, confident and charming, so he will have no trouble finding other women to date.

So my decision is: do I carry on dating him on said non exclusive basis (while I continue to look elsewhere)? Or do I bin him before I get my heart trashed? I'd be so grateful if anyone has had experience of a similar situation and could advise.

(Incidentally, I've had a really horrible time on OLD, as I've met nothing but players, future fakers, arseholes and general scum, and it doesn't look as though my luck is about to change any time soon ......)

Admittedly, I am tempted to take him up on his dinner invitation. He actually said in his message that he accepts that there will be no sex and that he will take ne to the venue of my choice. Hmmmm ........

But he is looking for monogamous relationship! Just not with you. Sorry.

I wouldn't date him, how insulting to be told, basically you aren't enough and he wants see if he can find more/better dates.
I'd rather enjoy a takeaway in on my own than in a restaurant with him.

Indeed. And anyway, a cosy evening in with a takeaway, a film and my cat is my idea of bliss!

In my text to him, I did say that I am also looking for something better, so he would be aware that he is not my ideal choice either (as previously mentioned, his circumstances are complicated and offputting). I am half tempted to get him to take me out on nice dates, while I look for someone else, and then ghost him further down the road. But that's probably not a good idea. Guys like him need binning - even if they do have an alleged magic knob!!!

@MrsMertonsCurtains He's banking on you caving in after a some good conversation, nice food and being relaxed from a few glasses of wine. He knows by saying there'll be no sex it ironically makes him more desirable and likely to get it. I'd stay clear of this one. He's tried plan A, this is his plan B.

What I will also say is he must be very attracted to you or he wouldn't be making this effort.

Bin. He wants to keep his eyes out for something better and have you as an option in the meantime.

Who was it who said that insisting on exclusivity is a trauma response? What an absolute dick thing to say. Let's all have zero standards and boundaries eh? It belongs in the same bin as 'sex negative'.

*and he wants to explore what else is out there.

After being in a marriage for so long, he is like a child in a sweetshop at this point, especially if he seems normal and is also handsome. The thing is, you'd have to take his word for it that a relationship will ever be on the cards for him again. He might have been there, done that and got the T-shirt when it comes to marriage, and so if he has any success in shagging around, he might want to carry on doing that with multiple women for a really long time, all the while dangling the fictional prospect of a relationship with each one of them.

He says that he likes me and may be ready to offer me commitment in a few months time

How nice of him.

It just comes across as 'I'll see what I can get first, and if I don't get any better than you, then I might consider being exclusive'.

They say men decide instantly if they are interested—like 30 seconds—and women take longer. To my mind you both have passed the point of no return: you have the ick and have become skeptical and contemptuous while he was originally attracted, for whatever reason, but now may be intent on the hunt for its own sake. I don’t see how you come back from that. He seems to need to sow his wild oats. Id let him go after one more daye, if he comes back and you have missed him then you have your answer.

You are just cosplaying having ‘boundaries’ at this point. He knows exactly how to push them if you are ‘hmmm’ing about this.

You should have binned him off with a confident ‘best of luck, it’s just clear we are looking for different things’ a while ago, but you are still pandering to his bullshit

‘He says that he likes me and may be ready to offer me commitment in a few months time’

^^ future faking 101

No one has met a nice man and had to write a thread on mumsnet about ‘oh we are going out for dinner but he has promised there will be no sex!’

This guy is bad news.

Thankyou, next

Indeed!

I will be throwing this one back and furthermore, will be ghosting him. He doesn't deserve the courtesy of any further contact from me (plus any communication could leave me tempted to see him again).

Huge thanks to all you lovely people for your fantastic responses. I really appreciate the time and trouble that you have gone to in giving me such brilliant advice x

There are plenty of threads on Mumsnet about ‘not having had the chat’ or it wasn’t an exclusive relationship after just a few dates, when either partner was found to have been seeing / having sex with other people. This is usually perfectly acceptable to the Mumsnet contributors when it is the female doing the multiple dating!
At least he’s been honest with you i suppose.
My own opinion of common courtesy and decency is that I wouldn’t pursue a relationship any further with him on this basis (but it would generally be ok on mumsnet if the boot were on the other foot).

No it wouldn’t have been OK if the shoe was on the other foot because the “at-least-he-was-honest” guy had shamed the OP and ridiculed her for her exclusive relationship stance. He tried to pressure her into a non-exclusive relationship.
Had he simply said “Oh, it seems we are not in the same place then. I totally respect your position and I hope you meet someone with the same mindset” he would have been fine.
He could have also added extra points if he had not wasted the OP’s time by stating he was looking for a monogamous relationship on his dating profile!

He could have also added extra points if he had not wasted the OP’s time by stating he was looking for a monogamous relationship on his dating profile!

Off topic I know, but it's so exasperating when people misrepresent themselves on their dating profiles. The previous guy that I met on OLD was a smoker, but didn't think that it was a relevant thing to mention on his profile. Smoking happens to be a deal breaker for me and I wasn't thrilled about wasting an evening and driving a round trip of an hour to sit with someone who ponged of smoke!

I am divorced after a long marriage. And a few of my friends are as well. We are in our 40s.
My friends are on OLD - and want to find a partner for long term relationship, obv monogamous….

They meet people off OLD, date. OP were a man they’d come across - and demanded exclusivity after a few dates - they’d run.
And it is NOT because they are not honest about what they want. And it’s not because they are somehow enjoying playing the field.
They may not even be dating anyone else at
the same time.

Actually the reasoning is completely opposite of everything that is said about the man in question here. They won’t be forced to rush into a relationship before they are fairly sure about the guy being right for them.

It feels that men are automatically assumed
to want to play the field. While it is also possible that a man wants to make sure they meet the right person for them.

To be fair, I know we can't think of everything and don't want to write down a list of negatives like 'no drama' but I realised it is best to state any serious and specific deal breakers OLD. Smoking might have been totally unremarkable to that guy.

Mine were nobody with kids, and nobody unwilling to move in future. I knew it would rule a lot of men out but am retraining in an area i don't love and didn't want logistics to be a problem in future. I put it in a polite, positive way and if anyone did still want to try they'd generally let me know they had children or commitments locally long term up front.

That's an interesting perspective @jsku

Until we had the 'no sex before exclusivity' conversation, I was quite happy to go with the flow. He was making all the effort (messaging me - the only time I ever texted him was in reply - driving over to where I live, planning Saturday night dates) and it suited me quite well. I actually like living on my own and having a life outside a relationship, with my friends and interests. Oh - and I was still dabbling - albeit half heartedly - on the dating apps.

But I didn't like having to justify my aforementioned 'no sex before exclusivity' stance and I don't like the feeling of being the 'good enough for now until someone better turns up' girl'.

However, I have to say that in principle, I am OK with non exclusivity in the initial stages (if I'm completely honest, I'm not ready to come off the dating apps myself, as I do like to see what else is out there - perhaps I can do better too!).

But I draw the line at sex and there is no way that I am going to go to bed with a man who has been shagging around!

OP - i think it must be age/experience/phase of life sort of thing. I am guessing you are fairly young.

One of my OLD friends had quite a strict religious upbringing. No sex before marriage sort of thing. Was in a long marriage that turned abusive. Took her ages to even get her head around dating again. And especially the idea of being able to have sex on Her terms and for Her pleasure.

She is probably most like you in this. As in she doesn’t do casual sex just for fun. She takes it slow and goes with her speed. She needs to feel comfortable with a person and like him.
But - she’ll be the first to run if a man she went out on a few dates on gave her your spiel about exclusivity before sex.

And again - she won’t necessarily be having sex with more than one person at a time. But she is also not willing to commit to anything before she is ready. And with experience of dating - it takes a while to get to know people. Few of the guys started of seeming nice and normal, then turned into controlling mess as time went by.

Whatever wounds you have OP, and whatever issues you have with intimacy and your deep attachment to a man based solely on good sex - i do think getting to the bottom of that would be good for you long term.

It’s not about getting to the point of casual sex. It is about removing control sex and men have over you in a relationship.

In crude in simplistic terms - you should not deeply attach to a man just because he is good with his appendage. It is unhealthy and risky.
Sure - sex brings intimacy and closeness. BUT not to the point of losing track of and control of your emotions and sense.

@jsku
You’re confusing ´exclusive’ and ´serious’. Some of us prefer to date and perhaps more importantly, sleep with, one person at a time. It doesn’t mean we consider any particular relationship to be serious immediately. It just means we consider it disrespectful to date and or sleep with multiple people at once. If you start seeing someone, begin a sexual relationship and a month or two later decide that person is not for you then fine, end things. Demanding exclusivity does not mean that you expect every new relationship to be long term or that you immediately intertwine your lives.

I've been married a long time and way out of the dating loop, but if I were dating someone and had seen him several times already, I'd hope that he was keen enough on me to not want to go off and be actively searching for other people to shag date.

Yes, I also think @jsku has confused things a bit

OP - i think it must be age/experience/phase of life sort of thing. I am guessing you are fairly young.

Sadly @jsku I'm old!

My caution is related to previous bad experiences where I have rushed into sex, and when it turned out to be great, it clouded my judgement and I ended up in horrible situationships.

OK - so I could get therapy to address that, but it's something that I have worked through in my head and I just think it's far easier to wait for sex until I have built up some trust and intimacy. If a man isn't prepared to wait, then it's no loss. And anyway, having a good snog and a grope, without it leading to full on sex, can be lots of fun!

@jsku

There's nothing abnormal or unhealthy about OPs approach to this. We can't fully override biology and chemistry.

@MrsMertonsCurtains

All I am saying is that waiting for sex weeks, even months is not necessarily going to ensure the man you chose won’t turn abusive.
My exH was fine for a long time and then changed unrecognisably.

It is not really normal for sex to cloud your judgement to an extent you described.
It goes beyond normal oxytocin-led closeness we feel with sexual partners.

This is not about casual sex. It’s about the role sex plays in your life.

Nothing assures anything, surely? OP is just risk managing by

1. not selecting dates at random.
2. being alert to red flags
3. being cautious about commitment and retaining control over pace and interactions.
4. prioritizing herself and her needs over his during this very initial stage.