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Original poster

Partner tells me off for being on my phone

151 replies

Juliennehen · 12/03/2024 21:15

They have an issue with me using my phone whether it's when I'm a passenger in the car and they're driving, or whether it's when we are sat on the sofa relaxing in the evenings after dinner, kids bedtime.

They're ex had an emotional affair, messaging another guy, my ex did the same so I understand the betrayal and how it could affect someone but I'm feeling quite like a child in the situation.

We were just sat down, he was watching a film I wasn't interested in, and I was actually on here looking into child related matters (as I had put my child to bed a bit earlier tonight and didn't make them go for their last wee) and he just looked at me and said 'You're unreal, on your phone again'. I didnt know what to say, so went quiet and then after a few minutes he asked me what was wrong but I didn't answer as I don't want confrontation and then he's just gone to bed.

Not sure what to do, this has happened before. We have just moved in together about 7weeks ago.

OP posts:
friendswiththemonstera · 12/03/2024 21:17

Both of my controlling partners would criticise my phone use. I get it if you're snubbing someone or don't have your attention focused on them when they're engaging with you, but both of them would tell me off like a child. I never got on their case about it. It was like neither of them could bear for my attention to be elsewhere.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 12/03/2024 21:20

OP
If you love your OH dearly, then sort it out via give and take

Sadly, your post, IMHO is showing that you lack interest in your OH

Marriage etc is give and take, so compromise if you wish, if not, then you know what will happen next

Good luck

Thinkthisiswrong · 12/03/2024 21:20

Sounds controlling/ jealous. I understand if its a problem and you're on your phone when you're agreed you're doing something together I.e. rude, but not at other times. I'd be a bit wary of the judgement/ comments this early after moving in together and be prepared to end things if he starts trying to control you.

SomersetTart · 12/03/2024 21:33

I didnt know what to say, so went quiet and then after a few minutes he asked me what was wrong but I didn't answer as I don't want confrontation and then he's just gone to bed.

By not speaking to him in order to avoid confrontation you are not dealing with the issue. Giving him the silent treatment isn't going to solve anything.

Can you not just have a conversation about it?

That phrase 'tells me off' sounds like you are a child and he's a parent. You're both adults and need to engage and react like adults.

You've only just moved in together and if you're going to make it work you're going to have to find an adult way to sort stuff like this out.

Original poster
Juliennehen · 20/03/2024 21:18

Because I know he doesn't like me using my phone and flicking through social media apps, like I do when not focussed on anything, I have now started to suddenly stop doing it and turning my screen off when he sees me doing it, and so looking suspicious and guilty, as he calls it. And this makes him angry and annoyed and thinks the worst thing.

I feel like I can't be me and relax how I want to relax. I don't know when it's appropriate or not in his eyes to use my phone.

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 20/03/2024 21:23

How much time per day do you spend on your phone?

RhubarbAndFlustered · 20/03/2024 21:24

I'd be a total dick and turn my whole body towards DP and sit staring at him until he asks me WTF I'm doing. The reply would be "waiting for you to fucking entertain me of course!"

And then I'd let him know that, obviously,, by 7 mere weeks in it is absolutely not working and he needs to go find someone else to control.

EG94 · 20/03/2024 21:27

I have this issue with my partner. It’s not him being on his phone it’s the amount of time he is on it. It’s ALWAYS in his hand. His phone seems to come over and above everything. Last Saturday I was entertaining his kids playing cards whilst he was sat on the sofa on his phone. It is causing a problem in our relationship. He isn’t present. Best of all despite always being on the phone when with me, soon as he is out, not on the phone which just pisses me off more

GreyCarpet · 20/03/2024 21:28

It's boring spending your evening with someone who is glued to their phone.

At least if you were in the house on your own, you could watch whatever you wanted, dance around singing, do naked yoga, go out for a pint. But when you're supposed to be spending the evening in together and they're just staring at a screen, it's incredibly dull and you don't always feel you can get up and do your own thing and also you'd actually like to spend sometime with your partner.

If someone had moved in with me 7 weeks ago and spent all evening on their phone, I think I'd wonder what I'd signed up to too.

Original poster
Juliennehen · 20/03/2024 21:29

Probably an hour in total after work. I've cut it down a lot due to this.

I also work with him and have been using g my phone at work, as we have been selling a lot on Facebook. He owns the business and I work for him. I also use my phone for accounts.

So we work and live together and I feel like it's expected of me to just sit down with him on an evening and either stay in silence watching tv or me proactively make the conversation as he is rather quiet a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 20/03/2024 21:30

Obviously it depends how much you use your phone but why is watching TV superior to scrolling your phone? Both as leisure activities and if you’ve not agreed something to watch together what does he want you to do, sit there and watch him watch TV?

gamerchick · 20/03/2024 21:31

Doesn't sound as if living together is going to work out OP.

pictoosh · 20/03/2024 21:42

Yeah he doesn't like your attention being focused on something other than him/his agenda.
How skin-prickling.

EG94 · 20/03/2024 21:48

Juliennehen · 20/03/2024 21:29

Probably an hour in total after work. I've cut it down a lot due to this.

I also work with him and have been using g my phone at work, as we have been selling a lot on Facebook. He owns the business and I work for him. I also use my phone for accounts.

So we work and live together and I feel like it's expected of me to just sit down with him on an evening and either stay in silence watching tv or me proactively make the conversation as he is rather quiet a lot of the time.

Wow an hour. I’d be thrilled if my partner only did an hour. That’s not an unreasonable amount of time to be on your phone. I think they are creating an issue for no reason. Be a bit firmer

Changingplace · 20/03/2024 21:49

Juliennehen · 20/03/2024 21:18

Because I know he doesn't like me using my phone and flicking through social media apps, like I do when not focussed on anything, I have now started to suddenly stop doing it and turning my screen off when he sees me doing it, and so looking suspicious and guilty, as he calls it. And this makes him angry and annoyed and thinks the worst thing.

I feel like I can't be me and relax how I want to relax. I don't know when it's appropriate or not in his eyes to use my phone.

Its concerning that you feel you have to limit what you want to do to relax to gets appropriate in his eyes…

Why is him watching a daft film ok but you flicking through social media not? It doesn’t sound like you’d agreed to sit and watch the film together.

You need to talk to him, just because his ex used phone use to be up to something doesn’t mean you will, and as long as you’re not on your phone when you’re supposed to be doing something together or for a ridiculous amount of time I don’t see the issue.

Changingplace · 20/03/2024 21:51

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 12/03/2024 21:20

OP
If you love your OH dearly, then sort it out via give and take

Sadly, your post, IMHO is showing that you lack interest in your OH

Marriage etc is give and take, so compromise if you wish, if not, then you know what will happen next

Good luck

Don’t be silly, the OP not being interested in the film he’d chosen to watch doesn’t equal lack of interest in him/their relationship.

BirthdayRainbow · 20/03/2024 21:55

Him making a sarky comment then asking you what is wrong isn't good. He knows what is wrong.

Original poster
Juliennehen · 20/03/2024 21:56

I watch films with him, and I don't go on my phone in bed either.

He got pissed off cause I went on my phone when I was the passenger on the return 2hr journey, when I had driven the way to the destination. I just wanted to relax on the way home and we had spoken loads on the journey down

OP posts:
Changingplace · 20/03/2024 22:00

Juliennehen · 20/03/2024 21:56

I watch films with him, and I don't go on my phone in bed either.

He got pissed off cause I went on my phone when I was the passenger on the return 2hr journey, when I had driven the way to the destination. I just wanted to relax on the way home and we had spoken loads on the journey down

Would he have been pissed off if you’d read a book or magazine in the car? I’m guessing not, if you want to sort this out you need to discuss this with him, it’s his insecurities that are the issue.

HeddaGarbled · 20/03/2024 22:01

You must speak up for yourself. You’ve just moved in together, now is the time to set the pattern for your future.

He says: I can’t believe it, you’re on your phone again. You say: I’m not interested in this film. I’ll use my phone when I choose.

Also, choosing the TV programme isn’t a thing that only men are allowed to do.

Grimchmas · 20/03/2024 22:02

Why should you have to sit in silence watching a film you're not into?

Scrolling on a phone and not being present with your partner can absolutely be a problem for a relationship - but why isn't he having a calm "hey, I was kinda hoping we would chat on the drive home like we did on the way up, please can you put the phone away?" rather than telling you off.

You get a say in what you think is reasonable behaviour, too. You work for him now live with him; just be careful you don't lose your independence and yourself in this relationship.

PlipPlopChoo · 20/03/2024 22:04

Realistically nobody can tell what is really going on by hearing one side of the argument. The default position on Mumsnet will always be OP is the woman OP is in the right but really that kind of echo chamber is not helpful.

You need to consider if your phone use is excessive in his company. Perhaps he wants to have the opportunity to speak with you. If he starts talking do you put the phone down? or multitask?

But also are you allowed to pick the channel?

TwylaSands · 20/03/2024 22:05

Juliennehen · 20/03/2024 21:56

I watch films with him, and I don't go on my phone in bed either.

He got pissed off cause I went on my phone when I was the passenger on the return 2hr journey, when I had driven the way to the destination. I just wanted to relax on the way home and we had spoken loads on the journey down

This doesnt sound like a long term relationship if he is this controlling.

tell him you are bored and ask what else you can do together.

MyCatsAreFuckwits · 20/03/2024 22:18

I would ask him what he would like me to do

  1. Patiently/silently wait for his film to end?
  2. Massage his shoulders while he watches?
  3. Fan him with a palm/hand feed him grapes?
  4. Run him a bath/lay out his PJ'S for after?

I'm a tad sarcastic and very single

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 22:41

I am on his side a bit although he's not expressing himself well, I think you should have a chat about this and your competing needs

  • your need to zone out and relax/distract yourself OR to get kids admin stuff done that sometimes much escalating into a doom scroll
  • his need to feel connected and important and as though you're spending quality time together

Talk about how all human beings get sucked into phones as they are designed to do that - maybe watch the social dilemma on Netflix as a starting point so that it's 'us against the issue' rather than 'me vs you'

I think it's normal to have a few hiccups like this when you first move in - it's how you manage them and talk about them that is what is make or break. It's navigating that difference between time at home together being a 'date night' and you wanting an evening in to relax but him being there expecting to be interacting.

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