Partner tells me off for being on my phone

[Juliennehen]

They have an issue with me using my phone whether it's when I'm a passenger in the car and they're driving, or whether it's when we are sat on the sofa relaxing in the evenings after dinner, kids bedtime.

They're ex had an emotional affair, messaging another guy, my ex did the same so I understand the betrayal and how it could affect someone but I'm feeling quite like a child in the situation.

We were just sat down, he was watching a film I wasn't interested in, and I was actually on here looking into child related matters (as I had put my child to bed a bit earlier tonight and didn't make them go for their last wee) and he just looked at me and said 'You're unreal, on your phone again'. I didnt know what to say, so went quiet and then after a few minutes he asked me what was wrong but I didn't answer as I don't want confrontation and then he's just gone to bed.

Not sure what to do, this has happened before. We have just moved in together about 7weeks ago.

The night last week I was reading articles and posts about child behaviour.

Op don't you see you are trying to justify your phone use as being something which should be acceptable. Would it have been ok for him to be nasty if you were on social media, or looking up porn or reading a communist political manifesto if he is rampantly anti communist? The answer, btw, is no - it is not alright for one person to police another's behaviour. Unless that person is a parent to a child. If one partner in a romantic relationship is unhappy with the other person's behaviour, they should raise it in conversation, make rational points about why it's an issue and negotiate a compromise, or end the relationship. Your partner is a childish bully.

A long time ago now I lived with a bloke who had been perfectly normal before we moved in together, but who became very controlling as soon as we did. He'd complain if I skimmed through the paper as we were driving into town in the morning together, because he felt that meant I was ignoring him. The relationship didn't last long after that. Don't put up with it, OP.

' I think we have agreed that i will move back to my old house (which is up for sale) then i will find something else when the sale is agreed. '

Good !

How soon can you move back ? maybe you already have ?

Why are you selling ?
Do you need to ?
Do you want to ?

@Juliennehen

it's like I'm scared of his reaction cause he had previously flared up on a previous occasion and shouted and stormed out of work, guiding me out of his way

What does "guiding me out of his way" look like? 🌹

It's not normal to have to police your behaviour for someone else. It's not reasonable for someone to criticise you for reading on your phone.

Yes it's rude if you are talking and someone is looking at their phone. But during down time it is reasonable to use your phone.

You are not obligated to entertain him or give him all your attention all the time.

I would talk about this. Tell him you are sick of the critique and it needs to stop. You will use your phone to relax as you choose to and he is welcome to watch tv or whatever he wants to do.

Yes I’m imagining that means he put his hands on OP in anger. Physical violence starts with little things like “accidentally” bumping or jostling someone as they go past and escalates from there.

@Juliennehen please read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. It really helped me to stop minimising abusive behaviour and see it for what it is. He’s angry and controlling. This won’t get better.

I was walking towards him whilst he was walking to leave the office in a temper and he put his hands on both my shoulders and walked me backwards and then moved me to the side out of his way.

Doesnt sound like a keeper

Do you have to sell your house? Could you move back there and reassess what you want to do?

It’s common not to really know someone until you live with them, you’ve given it a go but he doesn’t sound like someone you should be with long term.

It’s ok to only see this now, but you don’t have to stay living with him, or be in a relationship with him, it’s ok to say now you’ve tried living together this doesn’t work for you.

The selling of the house is mandatory anyway due to the previous longterm relationship breakdown, the joint mortgage I
Is with my child's father and we need to separate the equity.

So I'm planning to move back in until it has sold. I'm hoping this doesn't rile my ex as we have only recently started getting on and that's due to the fact I agreed to sell the house. I still wish to sell and don't want to delay that, I will need to find alternative housing once sale agreed. I can't rent elsewhere whilst it's on the market cause I still need to pay the mortgage. The ex has just agreed to pay half the mortgage with me each month, but I'm worried he will back out of that when he knows I'm moving back in. It's also just gone into SVR so the payment is £250 more a month

Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on and the last thing you need is this new guy causing you more stress.

Hopefully your ex will understand it’s only temporary until the house is sold, better security wise than it sitting empty and you can make sure it’s all sorted for viewings. I’d be up front with him about needing to live there until it’s sold but it’ll be much better for you than staying where you are - good luck!

It's only right your child's father should pay for half of the mortgage, as you will split any equity when it sells. You should both contribute until then. Also while his child is living there.

No he never has and legally doesn't have to. I've paid it for 3yrs on my own now. It's only now I've left the house and it's on the market he has agreed to pay it with me.

Ok so little update.

I left him, end of April I went.
Been fortunate enough to move into a family members house which is free so I can carry on affording my mortgaged home until it sells.

My child is and always will be my main priority and focus and if I'm not 100% because of a man, then he's gone.

I hope my judge of character improves in the future...

Best of luck moving forward OP. Well done. You've been through a lot to get here.

Bloody fabulous news

Well done @Juliennehen

Check with us first , before moving in with someone next time 🥰🥰

Good news @Juliennehen. That will take lot of day to day stress off you. How's the sale of your old house going?

And are you still working for/with your ex Partner? Is contact with him calm? 🌹

That's good news. I hope you get back on your feet soon.

Great news indeed.

Sadly you went from one abusive relationship to another. This is not an uncommon scenario.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further actively eroded by this man. Do look at and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as it is for those who have been in abusive relationships. Consider also what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and get counselling to unlearn the crap lessons. Do also read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Amazing news
Have a look for a freedom programme to help you see red flags in future

It's only just going on the market now as it needed some work first and it looks tiptop now.

Yes we still work together, I don't want to leave the job as it suitable for me and my child with hours. He is very up and down at the moment, I'm able to switch off and treat it as work but he can't atm. He is attending therapy couple times a week too.

.

You know he doesn't like your being on your phone in front of him but you do it anyway. How very rude of you.

@Ethylred

maybe read all the Op's posts ?
and also realise the person above you suddenly bumped an old thread not that the Op had added anything tonight