Partner tells me off for being on my phone

[Juliennehen]

They have an issue with me using my phone whether it's when I'm a passenger in the car and they're driving, or whether it's when we are sat on the sofa relaxing in the evenings after dinner, kids bedtime.

They're ex had an emotional affair, messaging another guy, my ex did the same so I understand the betrayal and how it could affect someone but I'm feeling quite like a child in the situation.

We were just sat down, he was watching a film I wasn't interested in, and I was actually on here looking into child related matters (as I had put my child to bed a bit earlier tonight and didn't make them go for their last wee) and he just looked at me and said 'You're unreal, on your phone again'. I didnt know what to say, so went quiet and then after a few minutes he asked me what was wrong but I didn't answer as I don't want confrontation and then he's just gone to bed.

Not sure what to do, this has happened before. We have just moved in together about 7weeks ago.

Is it his child too OP?

What's he like with other stuff? Does he take control of the tv remote and expect you to watch what he wants to watch?

You're learning what each other is like at this point. If you're finding him too controlling then think whether this is the right relationship for you.

You need to find another job and move out. Angry when you're using your phone is a big reaction. He should be saying hey can you put your phone away. You don't sound happy......

But why should he be saying hey can you put your phone away? He's put a film on for himself, and op is sat on her phone doing what she wants to do. He can't tell her to watch a film she's not interested in.

Literally this! My OH doesn't live with me but he's here at least half of the week, if we're watching a film or programme together (Or eating!) then the phones aren't out BUT if either of us fancies watching something that might not be the others cup of tea then by all means a bit of scrolling is perfectly acceptable? It's just finding the levels & not being rude

He sounds like hard work

If he wants to have the opportunity to speak with her he'd probably use the skills he uses at work and with other adults in his life, and talk to her in a normal way, rather than making a criticism of her in a condescending way.

Surely he could say something like 'hey honey, I was hoping to watch this film wth you. When you start using your phone I feel like we're not spending time together"

Then she can say something like , "Actually, I don't want to watch this film, so i was looking up advice about the kids"

And he can say "shall we watch something we'd both enjoy? I'd really like that."

Instead, he makes a dismissive comment that shuts down any further discussion.

Why stops him from communicating with her as if they are equals?

Have to admit, it's a bit tiresome when we choose something to watch and he gets his phone straight out. It can feel a bit lonely because we're not sharing the experience and when I laugh (if its a comedy!) he'll have missed it and I have to explain what's happened.

Its the not being present that I find irritating. I have to repeat everything I say because he's tuned out.

It sounds like you two didn't know each other very well before moving in together. Because if you had, then he'd know that you like to be on your phone now and then to relax. Which shouldn't be a problem!

My husband and I spend lots of time together, but we can equally enjoy our own quiet time. However we don't always have the same needs at the same time. Sometimes he's had a slow and boring day at work (working from home) and I've had a hectic day at work, so he wants to talk and spend time together while I want to read a book and take a bath.
We tend to check in with each other all the time. After we've put the kids to bed, we discuss how we feel and what we need right now. Sometimes I'll say: I don't have any energy left for a conversation, I just needs brainless relaxation in front of the tv. And that will be fine. He'll find something to do on his own. And vice versa.

He shouldn't be dictating how you both relax and spend your time. It should be a conversation!

I don't get it if you haven't have a quick chat and said hey let's spend evening together wishing a movie and you both agree on what to watch why should u forced to watch something u don't want to.

If he feels he wants more together time in the evening then work it out when, both agree saybtomorrow night movie night and agree on what to watch and then also agree that during these together times no phones out for anyone. Then outside of those times free for all.

Seems like this guy now controls your whole life. Are you happy with that? I'm assuming the child isn't his as you've just moved in together? It's not sounding good OP. Your phone use isn't the issue here.

That would annoy me too, if we decide to watch something together then it's kind of a given that our phones aren't near us.. in fairness we end up missing lots anyway because we're both chatterboxes 😄

How long had you been together when he moved in with you and your child?

@Shiningout I'm not saying he should be telling her to stop using her phone, but more that, hey could you put your phone away is an appropriate level of asking as opposed to being angry, also it is a request not a demand. The fact that she's worried about challenging him is more my concern.

You wouldn’t be the first. It was just the way you were talking about past relationships like the pain from those was still fresh.

Sounds like you could both do with a bit more time on your own to heal. Is it something you could gently discuss? I think you said he moved in with you, does he have other accommodation options? It doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship. I’m sure if he’s a decent guy he would understand.

I reckon this isn' t the only way he is being a twat.

Have him move out.

He is rude and abrupt and intimidating tbh when he is like that. He speaks to me in his words 'joking' but it's always harsh and mean things. I don't even know how I didn't see this before I moved in.

if you’re genuinely not interested in what you’re watching can you discuss that with him and find something else to watch together.

my husband and I have this issue sometimes - he gets frustrated because I’ve agreed to watch something with him which he feels is ‘together time’ and I’ve checked out and am filling in a form for a school trip or doing my click + collect shop…

he would rather I told him I had things to do + got on with them than half demonstrated interest in spending time with him when I’m not particularly invested in doing so

can you have a chat? Carve out time that you do things together intentionally without distraction? and otherwise ask that he speak more kindly to you about it - and acknowledge that a lot of the ‘silent work’ of being a parent / just doing life is done on the phone.

I'd be telling him bluntly that if I wanted to use my phone rather than watch a boring film then I bloody well would and that I didn't need or want his permission.

He doesnt know how to speak kindly, he is very hard in how he says things, I think we seriously clash as I am very sensitive too and dont have the balls to tell him to leave me be, but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 10 yrs which ended 2 yrs before i met this chap

I think the most worrying thing OP is that you don’t feel you can communicate with him about things. Is that because you’re worried how he will react? You either need to confront the issue directly with him or I would consider moving out.

I honestly think u should move out and I don't think this is a good relationship for you and he doesn't seem like the right person to be with..based on u saying he speaks unkindly and in a mean way

Why be with someone who does that? Deserve to be with someone who will speak to nicely. Otherwise what's rhe point better off single then u van watch yv and scroll on ur phone as much as u like hahaha

I assume he knows about your history of abuse - do you think he cares about finding ways to communicate that feel safe for you?

I have seriously messed up by investing all my life into this person, I even sold my car and use a work vehicle now. I paid off a credit card and have £2k left from the sale, enough for a old car maybe....

They know about my history yes, they know how much I went through.

They say ive got the issue, being phone addicted but I am not on it half as much as i used to be.. i think im on it more at work cause i cant go on it at home, so this morning I have put my phone away in work... I want to keep my job as it is my financial security and offers the right hours to suit my son and he has said i will keep my job no matter what... see how things go i guess. I think we have agreed that i will move back to my old house (which is up for sale) then i will find something else when the sale is agreed.

@Juliennehen

I think we have agreed that i will move back to my old house (which is up for sale) then i will find something else when the sale is agreed.

I think moving back to your own house would be better for your mental health - you need some physical space away from this brusque, unkind sounding man. Would it be feasible for you to have a lodger in your house (but take advice from Citizens Advice or maybe Shelter about having a formal LODGER (not tenant) agreement, which could bring in extra funds for you. I think you can earn up to £7500 from a lodger without it affecting your tax, although you'd need to declare it to HMRC, but you can check that on gov.uk or the sources mentioned earlier in my post.

At some stage you may want to back further off, and stop bring your partner's employer. 🌹

He’s treating you like a child, making you feel uncomfortable and you’re changing your perfectly normal behaviour to please him. That isn’t healthy.

You sound very young op. Although you also mention a prior 10 year relationship which suggests you're perhaps older than you sound. You sound quite child-like to me in your language and how you're relating to this partner. An adult relationship should not resemble a parent/child dynamic or a leader/follower, unless that is explicitly accepted by both parties. And it doesn't sound as though you wish to be parented or controlled.