Partner tells me off for being on my phone

[Juliennehen]

They have an issue with me using my phone whether it's when I'm a passenger in the car and they're driving, or whether it's when we are sat on the sofa relaxing in the evenings after dinner, kids bedtime.

They're ex had an emotional affair, messaging another guy, my ex did the same so I understand the betrayal and how it could affect someone but I'm feeling quite like a child in the situation.

We were just sat down, he was watching a film I wasn't interested in, and I was actually on here looking into child related matters (as I had put my child to bed a bit earlier tonight and didn't make them go for their last wee) and he just looked at me and said 'You're unreal, on your phone again'. I didnt know what to say, so went quiet and then after a few minutes he asked me what was wrong but I didn't answer as I don't want confrontation and then he's just gone to bed.

Not sure what to do, this has happened before. We have just moved in together about 7weeks ago.

I also don't really like it when I'm driving and the passenger ignores me to go on their phone I feel like a taxi driver.

Is he more extroverted and you're introverted?

It's really alarming that you've started restricting your phone use, instead of standing up for yourself and telling him that he does not get to dictate how you use your down time.

What else are you going to let him control? Have a conversation with him instead of just doing what you're told.

his need to feel connected and important and as though you're spending quality time together

Him watching a film of his choice while she sits there next to him bored out of her wits? Or him taking his turn to drive while she sits there next to him bored out of her wits?

It’s a bit “I’ll play my guitar at you”.

You need to stop tiptoeing around him worrying about whether he'll approve or not, you need to confront the issue head on and tell him that you don't appreciate him policing your phone use. You're an adult and you choose how to spend your time. Do you complain when he's watching TV or engrossed in a book? Set the ground rules now while you've just started living together - you can't spend your life trying to avoid annoying him!

They're ex had an emotional affair, messaging another guy, my ex did the same so I understand the betrayal and how it could affect someone but I'm feeling quite like a child in the situation.

This is no excuse to treat you like a naughty child, he either trusts you or he doesn't, if he doesn't then things will never get better, you'll be treading on eggshells the rest of your days, it's a slippery slope when you start modifying your behaviour just for his approval.

He's got no right to demand you behave a certain way in your own home.

No the other way round!

You need to have a proper conversation about this with him OP. Maybe you could agree on some compromises that you both think are acceptable? At the moment it sounds like you have an adult/child relationship about it (him walking into the room and you quickly hiding your phone) which is ridiculous!

TBH I think we’re only getting one side of the story here.

I think that we often underestimate how long we spend on phones etc.

I know that I’ve seen threads from female posters who have said that they just wanted to sit down with their dp and watch something and the instant they do he picks up his phone.

Nothing wrong with spending time on your phone per se, but when your phone becomes the first think you turn to, then it can be problematic.

Be honest with yourself. Take a look at your screen time report, and see exactly how much time you’re spending on your phone.

My dp is constantly glued to his phone. And even when he isn’t scrolling, he has music on with both headphones in so doesn’t hear when you talk to him. It does my head in. I can ask him a question and he doesn’t give me a proper answer because he’s so caught up in what he’s looking at that he’s not listening to me. Funnily enough he didn’t like it when I started to do the same.

Phones are really insidious, its an isolating situation to be in a room with someone and they are looking at their individual screen.

It means that you are cut off from the other person by default.

I also hate it when Im driving and doing the heavy load and OH is sitting there on his phone, I feel like Im driving a teenager around

Just put the bloody thing down, why does it have to be glued to the hand all the time. I think people that say, oh I only use it for an hour or so, underestimate how long they use it and how habitually they just mindlessly pick it up, so they dont even know how long they're on it because they forget how much they pick it up.

Wow. So many people on here justifying his controlling behaviour!
He’s being a dick OP.

Not controlling but I think you should have a chat and set some boundaries that you are both agreeable on.

How long have you been together? You work for him, did you rush moving in?

FWIW I wouldn’t accept anyone telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing wrt phone use.

I can guarantee that if this was about a man most posters would reply along the lines of 'he's showing you you're not his priority', 'he doesnt care about you', 'thats so disrespectful', 'I couldnt be in a relationship with someone like that'

Can't believe other people aren't getting the extreme creeps from this. He controls your finances as your boss. You're only 7 weeks in to cohabitation. He expects you not to go on your phone even when he's not in the room, in case he comes in. He's got jealousy issues from his ex. You have a kid in this too, whether his or not.

Run for the hills, this doesn't sound good. I suspect you can tell us a lot of other red flags stuff.

I think it's fine to not want your partner on their phone all the time when you're supposed to be doing something together. You do this by saying 'would you mind not using your phone at the dinner table/when I'm talking to you'. Not by taking a scolding tone when they've been on it in downtime. That's controlling.

Move back out if you can, it's not working
He shouldn't be policing you like this, you're allowed to not be interested in a film and to be on your phone instead, I do that all the time

Yeah I've been silly and rushed everything.

@soupfiend don't be ridiculous or so naive, this man is incredibly controlling

OP this is a slippery slope I would get out now and get far far away from this man

I get someone on their phone constantly is annoying but everything about this screens control

I get annoyed when DH does this, always on his phone.

I wouldn’t stand for it OP. If you let him control you over this, he’ll find other ways to do it too. It’s his problem and insecurities not yours. Don’t give in.

She’s not though.

I can guarantee that if this was about a man most posters would reply along the lines of 'he's showing you you're not his priority', 'he doesnt care about you', 'thats so disrespectful', 'I couldnt be in a relationship with someone like that'

What is the actual point of your comment? How does it help OP?

OP his behaviour is not ok. Your internal alarm bells are ringing for a reason.

If you can't relax and be yourself around this man in your own home then this relationship is doomed. He's not your dad and I'd be telling him that.

I can't stand just sitting watching TV, so will often scroll on my phone at the same time. He can't police how you relax, I'd understand if you decided to watch a film together and u were sat on it the whole time but it doesn't sound like this. How would he like it if you said he couldn't put his film on?

I was going to say I’d say “you’re unreal, watching crap films I’ve no interest in”
but this is much better 😆
It doesn’t bode well though, and seeing as @Juliennehen works for him it won’t be an easy get out.

Agree with this. Would you be able to directly tell him not to police your phone use?