Partner tells me off for being on my phone

[Juliennehen]

They have an issue with me using my phone whether it's when I'm a passenger in the car and they're driving, or whether it's when we are sat on the sofa relaxing in the evenings after dinner, kids bedtime.

They're ex had an emotional affair, messaging another guy, my ex did the same so I understand the betrayal and how it could affect someone but I'm feeling quite like a child in the situation.

We were just sat down, he was watching a film I wasn't interested in, and I was actually on here looking into child related matters (as I had put my child to bed a bit earlier tonight and didn't make them go for their last wee) and he just looked at me and said 'You're unreal, on your phone again'. I didnt know what to say, so went quiet and then after a few minutes he asked me what was wrong but I didn't answer as I don't want confrontation and then he's just gone to bed.

Not sure what to do, this has happened before. We have just moved in together about 7weeks ago.

How much does he use his phone?

Is he able to say exactly what his concern is - you've implied he's worried you are having an emotional affair by text. At 7 weeks in that seems rather like irrational jealousy (warning sign!)

If he was genuinely worried about the phone interfering in your relationship, I think he would be saying "let's talk or do something together where our attention is focused on each other". Rather than "sit there quietly and don't do anything, while I watch this film".

After only seven weeks moving in this suggests that you're not as invested in nurturing the relationship as he is. He wants to connect with you and your phone feels like it's coming between you.

Some of the posts on this thread are odd. It is absolutely true that someone who is always on their phone can be very isolating for the partner or other family members. But there's a big difference between always being on your phone and not being "allowed" to be on your phone while ehe's doing something else and you're not interested in that thing.

If Dh is watching something, I'll quite often wander into the room and sit down with my phone or my iPad. I don't particularly want to watch whatever he's watching but, for example, if it's sport, I'll keep a vague eye out for the exciting bits or DH will highlight when I should watch a great replay or whatever. However, if we agreed to watch a movie together and had picked a movie we both liked, then of course, he would be in his rights to be annoyed if I then got my phone out!

So as she doesn't want to watch the TV, what is she supposed to do? Just sit there?

I'm old school, I used to read. What's the difference?

The only problem would be if she was texting all night and not engaging with her partner.

But that's not the case

But he's watching the television!

He's your boss at work and thinks he is at home too.

Not sure this has a future.

Were you in a relationship before you worked for him?

But he's watching TV.

In what way is that 'connecting'?

How much interest is he showing watching a film she has no interest in

I'd sY watching tv is quite isolating, your focused on what's on screen not engaging with othe people really. Then again this might explain why people can't sit 1.5 hrs through cinema without talking.. 🙄

Nobody should be telling you when and where you can use your phone. However. It can be bloody annoying when a partner is on their phone ALL the time. My DP will be on it in the evening, in bed, in the car when I'm driving etc. There's no issue with that per se, but he just doesn't listen to me. It's not like I want constant conversation, but if I ask him something, it's like he's on another planet and he doesn't even answer me so I have to ask again, and when he does reply it's slow, or he'll say "what" and I have to repeat myself, or I'll ask something related to something I mentioned a few minutes ago and he won't remember it because he was distracted. It's fucking annoying.

There appears to be a reading comprehension problem for many posters here. OP is in a controlling and potentially abusive relationship and has posted to say she's looking to move out. The issues here are much deeper than spending too much time looking at social media.

Ah. Oh. So he's your boss. He's your boss at work, and now he seems to think he can be your boss at home, too.

Sorry OP, but you've made a massive mistake here, and need to move back out again.

It's only a joke if everyone's laughing.

I wouldn't accept an employer speaking to me like that when I'm at work, and I certainly wouldn't take it from a partner. He has no right to 'tell you off'. You're not a recalcitrant teenager, and he's not your dad either.

RUN as fast you can back to your own old home

' I have seriously messed up by investing all my life into this person, I even sold my car and use a work vehicle now. I paid off a credit card and have £2k left from the sale, enough for a old car maybe....'

and thank goodness you still have it !

As someone else said you sound very young, this last relationship just how young were you then ?

Say “I don’t want to live with you if I have to walk on eggshells. I’m an adult and won’t be made to feel like I’m misbehaving.”

Oh look - Marjorie Proops has arrived.

Yeh i think the issue here is that two incompatible people have moved in together hastily. It's not the phone - it's that he is irritated by the op generally. By her previous posts, it sounds like she feels similarly and therefore is moving back into her house, albeit that it's up for sale. So this is a thread about a failed relationship, not a thread about phone use and etiquette.

I think its really rude to be on your phone when being driven about - when I'm driving DH/DC around & they do this its makes me feel like I'm an unpaid taxi driver. If I'm driving them somewhere they need to at least have the decency to talk to me. So I agree with you partner about that part.

The rest I'm not sure - it depends if you are doing it & am not present in what's going on that you should be involved in then again thats rude. But if it's just chill time for you both then no problem.

Btw he isn't engaging in conversation with me, he just doesn't like the amount of time I spend on it.

He doesn't want me to hide the phone usage but also doesn't want me on it as much as i am. I am one of these ones who picks it up, checks it and puts it down, i quickly check email, socials and WhatsApp and put down.

The night last week I was reading articles and posts about child behaviour.

Then last night I was flicking through, he came in and I quickly swiped back to Home Screen and I guess it does look suspicious but it's like I'm scared of his reaction cause he had previously flared up on a previous occasion and shouted and stormed out of work, guiding me out of his way.

Now ur moving back to your house u won't have to behave in fear and I'd be quietly finding ways to extricate urself completely from him

Look @Juliennehen , he's bullying you. He's an aggressive bully. If you don't want to be treated like this - and you shouldn't - you know what you have to do.

He sounds like a controlling prick.

Fair enough if you are having dinner together, chatting about your day, or watching a programme together and you’re on your phone. That’s annoying.

But you aren’t doing that. You’re allowed to go on your phone while he watches a film he is interested in. You don’t have to sit there in silence at his insistence. You don’t have to justify to him (or us) what you’re doing on your phone to unwind.

I would get rid. Or stand up for yourself more.

“Fuck off you controlling prick. You don’t get to tell me what to do. Don’t let the door smack you on the arse on the way out.”

So fed up with reading about utterly shit men beating women down with abuse in many guises.

I really don't think the issue will go away if you stop using your phone around him. He'll find something else to have a go at you about.

Your plan to extricate yourself is a good one I think!