Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
DoYouWantMeToBeTheCat · 10/03/2024 23:46

Oh love, he wont want the kids. He wont be able to feed them, or look after them. He will be fed up of nappies, whining etc.

Of course he will fight you for 50/50 but he's never actually been a parent, let alone a sole parent. The reality will dawn on him very very quick.

Life can be so much better than this.

Mmhmmn · 10/03/2024 23:48

OP, you need to leave this absolute bastard.
As you are well aware, HE is the cunt. Not you. Simply saying what he said about smashing your dad and brother in the face is grounds for leaving such a person, even without his abuse of you.
You are not ever going to have a happy life with this awful person. Get some support from your family - explain what he is like towards you - to leave him. You’ll regret staying. He is doing and will make your life a nightmare.

FirstBaba · 10/03/2024 23:48

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:56

I know you are all right. My parents would welcome me and children and have room for us. They would even likely help me get a mortgage on a a house and there is a fair bit of money I would get from the house sale so financially I would be fine. I would need to go back to work earlier than I had hoped. My parents know what he's like not because I tell them anything I wouldn't do that but because he is rude to their faces. My mum said to me today what time is he back so we can make sure we are gone. I feel very guilty exposing my children to this sort of person but until I wrote this down I don't think I did realise how abusive he is as he's very much like this on any special occasion and probably once a week. The rest of the time he's the doting husband and dad which is what confuses me. I feel devastes for my children not having a dad live with them if I left and I know he would fight me tooth and nail for 50/50 and I just can't give my children up like that. I'm crying at the thought of not having my children with me full time

I am so sorry things are like this for you OP. I can only imagine how horrendous you are feeling with all this at only two months postpartum (Not that it would be acceptable even at a good time). I just remember how fragile I was during this period and my heart hurts for you.
You are incredibly strong to be dealing with all this and seemingly taking it in your stride.

As another poster has said, because you are embroiled in the situation you may not recognize just how abusive it is and you may not have the strength right now to leave, with a 2 week old baby and a toddler, but I pray that one day soon you will. I truly believe it will be the best thing for you and your children.

In terms of 50/50 childcare - is this even feasible for him?

ClairDeLaLune · 10/03/2024 23:50

Please leave OP. He has deliberately made your Mother’s Day awful to show you he’s in control and to make you think you don’t deserve anything nice. Such a bastard to blame you and your hormones. It’s not that, it’s him. He’s horrible and he’s an abuser. Please go to your parents’. And document everything in writing.

BeverForget · 10/03/2024 23:53

He is a fucking cunt that should be fed to pigs.
OP I hope you find the strength to make your life one that you deserve. x

Mmhmmn · 10/03/2024 23:54

“I feel devastes for my children not having a dad live with them”

OP - your children will devastated by living with him because he is abusive. The kindest, best thing you could do for them is to leave him.

RadRad · 10/03/2024 23:59

It takes a special kind of a cunt to do this to you today of all days AND after you have recently given birth. If finances are no issue, just leave, your kids will still have a dad and you will be a much happier mum. And based on your description, he won’t be able to look after them on his own anyway, so this 50/50 custody would very likely resemble 10/90 in reality.

DaisyCat33 · 11/03/2024 00:00

Good lord, this is upsetting to read. OP, please please leave this man. If my DP called me a cunt even once I'd be gone. He is abusing you, and he may well turn it onto the kids as they get older. I hope you can find the strength and support to get away from him.

user1492757084 · 11/03/2024 00:06

I am so sad for you and your children.
Can your husband not refrain from using bad language and verbalising threats towards his in-laws in front of you?
Does husband have a history of head injuries from contact sports? He seems to not know how to be civilised at all.

Upon hearing one piece of his language, I would have fled for dear life.
Does he use abusive language in front of the kids?

You need to make a plan to leave.
Stay as long as it takes to get strong. Keep detailed records of the abuse as it could help with you stopping him having the children without supervision. No kid should be hearing that language and abuse.

Gloriosaford · 11/03/2024 00:06

I hope you can find a way to leave this awful man OP.

OriginalUsername2 · 11/03/2024 00:24

This man is horrific. Get that tiny baby and your children away from him. Tell your parents everything before something awful happens.

Zanatdy · 11/03/2024 00:24

This is disgusting behaviour and your poor parents don’t sound like they deserve the abuse they are getting too. Not only is he abusing you, he’s abusing your parents. No judge will give 50-50 for a newborn. Your choice OP. But it’s not a little win, he will just up his game next time, not backdown.

BreadInCaptivity · 11/03/2024 00:29

The reality is @momentsofmadnesstoday is that most domestic abuse starts during pregnancy.

It may not be physical, but do not underestimate the power of someone slowly chipping away at your self respect and boundaries.

The reason is simple. It's because they feel they have "got you". You worry about your child, protecting them and sharing care. In some cases also finances if you have given up work to look after your child.

It's a very, very common pattern and one that inevitably escalates - so as bad as it is now, it's going to get worse.

The good news is that you have supportive parents. You have a way out.

Use it. Leave him NOW.

He will threaten you with wanting 50/50 but no court will allow a newborn to be separated from their mother especially if you are breastfeeding.

In the longer term the reality is also that he's likely to threaten you for contact. In the vast majority of cases men like him are all mouth and don't bother. They whinge to all and sundry (especially the next woman they meet) how you stopped contact without ever actually fighting for it.

Read your opening post again. Imagine someone else wrote it. What would you tell them to do?

He's a really nasty person and the best you can do is walk (run) away as soon as possible.

You and your child deserve so much better.

Angelsrose · 11/03/2024 00:31

Op this sadly isn't going to last. You're so so lucky to have loving and supportive parents. Any man who threatened my family would be out of the door. I think your "D"H will be out of the door sooner or later and you'll certainly find a better partner or just be happy single, whatever your preferred choice is. Good luck.

HangingOver · 11/03/2024 00:42

Oh you poor poor love. Please don't keep yourself or your babies around this person for a minute longer. Im raging for you what an utter utter bastard.

Tryingmybestadhd · 11/03/2024 00:43

I haven’t read comments but your husband is abusing you . You might but realise this but your are in a relationship with lite if Domestic violence . Just because he hasn’t punched ( yet ) doesn’t mean it’s not abuse . Please consider a escape from him . Your children will grow up thinking that is how men treat women .

QueenBitch666 · 11/03/2024 00:50

He's abusive. Get your ducks in a row

Babla · 11/03/2024 00:51

You don't just need a rant OP you need to get away from this awful controlling man

duc748 · 11/03/2024 01:01

I read the first page of this thread like so many others, sadly. I'm a bloke, and your husband as an arsehole.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 11/03/2024 01:07

He sounds utterly vile. This is stomach churning to read.

He thinks you’re at your weakest but I think you sound strong.There’s nothing stronger than a mother’s instinct to protect her children and I know that’s what you’ll do.

I couldn’t be with anyone who disrespected me or my parents in any way. I’d rather be on my own. Coming on here is your first step to freedom.

You deserve respect & love but more than that this is an unhealthy environment for those children. He won’t want 50/50, he can’t even be arsed to make beans on toast fgs!

Keep us posted x

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 11/03/2024 01:21

I wonder if you could also surreptitiously record him ranting as more evidence.

Keep a log of his behaviour on your iPhone journal app. This will remind you of why you’re leaving.

Make a plan to leave. You’re so lucky you have parents to go to. Not everyone does. I’m sure your mum would help you so much with the kids.

LoveHikingRiding · 11/03/2024 01:25

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

Really sorry you are going through this. Clear signs of abusive relationship.

Is this a one off behaviour?

bluesclues91 · 11/03/2024 01:58

Each day you stay, is a day longer your children are living with domestic abuse.

Their outcomes in life will be poorer because of this, the sooner you leave the better.

Children who are exposed to verbal and emotional abuse in their first 2 years are set on a negative trajectory for the rest of their lives. It's irreversible. It affects the way their brains develop. It affects their general development, their ability to manage emotions, form and maintain relationships, employment prospects, their physical and mental health... it affects all aspects of their lives. You really, really need to go home to your family and get them away from the abuser that they are currently living with.

Look into the 1001 critical days if you need a reason to leave.

Cuckoochanel80 · 11/03/2024 02:15

You need to get yourself and your kids out of this, I've been here and it just gets worse. The good news is everything will get better eventually when you leave. Good luck, there's support there from women's aid to leave if you need it.

lifesrichpageant · 11/03/2024 02:27

Handhold and sending support. You know what you need to do. I very much doubt he could manage 50/50. Please don't let him intimidate you any longer. And he is not a 'doting husband and father' if he treats you this way. Good luck.

Swipe left for the next trending thread