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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
passthepenguin · 11/03/2024 02:56

Please leave this man OP. This is utterly heartbreaking to read. I bet your mum and dad worry about you constantly because they clearly have an inkling as to what he is like. I think you need to have a frank an honest conversation with your parents and your brother and tell them exactly what he’s been like towards you and the things he’s said. It will be far more damaging for your children to live with a man like that than to not have him in their lives every day. He’s an abuser and it will only get worse. Get out while you can.

Coaster99 · 11/03/2024 04:14

Your husband is abusive and disgusting and your future is doomed if you stay with him. No amount of time, tenderness or therapy will change him. You need to get yourself and the children out ASAP, before it’s too late.
Love and strength to you OP xx

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/03/2024 04:36

I bet your parents are hoping every bloody day that you will leave this nasty cunt and turn up on their doorstep.

Do it. Next time he is out, take the kids and all your stuff and relevant paperwork and leave.

He will bluster and froth and rant and rave about 50/50, he may even threaten going for full custody.

He won't actually do it, because he'll hate having to actually parent his own children, he can't even change a nappy or feed them and himself without major stress!

Do not feel as if you need to wait for things to get worse, people get trapped into thinking 'well he hasn't hit me'.. and similar ideas... but you can leave anyone, at any time, for as simple a reason as 'I don't want to be with you any more'. He IS abusing you and your kids are seeing that. Get out asap!

Noicant · 11/03/2024 05:55

He’s so awful OP, just really fucking awful. You shouldn’t be living like this and your children shouldn’t either. Go home to your mum and dad x

Noicant · 11/03/2024 05:56

If you were my daughter I’d want you home, imagine one of your kids and your grandchildren was living with a person like this, what would you say to them?

Wackadaywideawake · 11/03/2024 06:21

Paidanddone · 10/03/2024 20:16

Please please go to your parents and let them help you, this is just so awful and heartbreaking to read xx 😔

This, OP.

i believe your parents have an inkling of what is going on and are there, sitting abd waiting in the wings for you to ask for their help. They want you help you.

Think of your children. Really, really think. What would you do if this was happening to them? You would want them OUT. If you stay with this man it’s likely this is the kind of relationship they will subconsciously seek in the future because this is their conditioning happening right now.

Find the strength, OP. Good luck xx

Wartsandalll · 11/03/2024 06:26

And you procreate with this man... Why?

Bluebirthdaycard · 11/03/2024 06:27

I feel very bad for you and can only repeat what's been said - leave him! You've put that at times he can be a good husband and father, does he have bi polar or a secret alcoholic because his mood swings seem off the charts. Not making any excuses for him, just saying this isn't normal behaviour. If you're parents have plenty of room and will gladly accommodate you, do it, while your children are very young. And leave when he's not there as I have a feeling he will either turn violent (and to say the things he's been saying about your dad and brother, he obviously has violent tendancies) or he will turn on the charm factor up to the max, saying he will change, but that's extremely doubtful he will. I thought I'd had a crap day yesterday but this takes the biscuit....wishing you the best of luck.💐

Asurvivor · 11/03/2024 06:29

Your dh is awful and abusive - I hope you find the strength to leave him before he escalates his abuse of you.

Onetwobuckeroo · 11/03/2024 07:13

Starfish1021 · 10/03/2024 19:43

Honestly this is one of the most disturbing things I’ve read in a long time. You have what sounds like very caring parents, you need to think really carefully about what you actually want in life. This man sound dangerous and is abusing you, in front of your children.

This. Agreed, this is very disturbing. If your baby is only a few weeks old, tell your HV or a HV at a weigh in clinic that you don’t feel safe at home. Get out now OP

JoJothegerbil · 11/03/2024 07:14

Your husband sounds awful and he won't change. Get out before he gets worse.

BeeHappy12 · 11/03/2024 07:27

This is very disturbing OP but i think a lot of posters with really good insights have given you good advice. It sounds like you know you need to leave, i just hope it's sooner than later. Sending hugs

Jennyjojo5 · 11/03/2024 07:28

He’s not gonna get 50/50 with his abusive ways… especially if you can evidence it. My friend was in a very similar situation and the courts put an order in for supervised contact at a contact centre two hours every other week for him.

try and gather as much evidence as possible about his abusive behavior x

Kizzy192 · 11/03/2024 07:31

I grew up with a father like this and it was a horrible childhood. Every special occasion is filled with bad memories and I struggle to not fear them even now. LEAVE.

If he's struggling to make beans on toast for the toddler 50/50 custody likely won't last long. He won't be able to hack it. Besides, if you can safely gather evidence of the abuse (diary, for starters - there are apps you can disguise as a calculator for safety) a court likely won't give him 50/50.

Your parents will be relieved to have you and the kids safe under their roof, I'm sure. Good luck and be strong, your kids need you ❤️

hopscotcher · 11/03/2024 07:41

Please reconsider whether you want to spend the rest of your one and only life with this person.

Fraaahnces · 11/03/2024 07:42

I would speak to your parents before you do anything. Talk about moving as far away as you can so that he can’t be arsed trying to see the kids or harassing you. He is a horrible waste of oxygen, love and I’m glad you’re seeing it.

Howbizarre22 · 11/03/2024 07:43

Another day another abusive relationship on MN. Makes me sad. What a disgusting thing to say about your dad. The sooner you LTB the better as in ASAP how can you be with someone so cruel. Get rid there’s not even a counter argument to this.

Jaboody · 11/03/2024 07:43

Fuckin hell OP my first LTB. Ring womens aid, take yourself and the kids and gtfo before this cunt kills you.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 11/03/2024 07:46

What an awful, vile, disgusting man. What did I just read? Poor you, OP. You deserve so much better. Please leave the awful excuse of a so-called "man". 💖

LookItsMeAgain · 11/03/2024 07:48

You don't just need a rant - you actually need to leave this abusive man. Your family is there for you and your children. Leave him. Move home and make what you can until such time as you can actually get a place for yourself and the kids.

Then take this piece of whatever to court and take him for whatever you can get.

Mrsredlipstick · 11/03/2024 07:50

OP you have something a lot of abused women don't have, money. They have few choices and no career. You do. You have loving parents too.
How dare that excuse of a husband moan about food when you are less than two weeks post partum. I watched my BFF spend 14 years being abused until he tried to kill her. Two children together.
She left with nothing.
I remember a dinner party around the two week mark, he did nothing but insult her, my DH walked out. These people don't change. My bffs ex is still a shit and you deserve better. Run, this will get worse.
Bastards don't change their spots.

Ansjovis · 11/03/2024 07:50

If he can't even be bothered to change your baby's nappy, do you really think he's going to want 50:50?

You can't force your husband not to be abusive so you've got to do the right thing here as their only real parent. Show your children that women are not to be abused.

Tereseta · 11/03/2024 07:51

Please go to your parents and be safe. This is not what you or your children deserve or need for the rest of your lives. Children are like sponges, your son will be soaking up his behaviour right now.

Roselilly36 · 11/03/2024 07:52

So sorry OP. That sounds completely toxic, his treatment of you is completely unacceptable, abusive etc. you are worth so much more. I know it can be hard to see, when you are in a toxic situation, but you need to get away from his influence and be safe and happy with your children. Good luck you can do it, and you will soon realise how life should be Flowers

LjSebs · 11/03/2024 08:05

You are your children deserve better. It will be a tough road for a while but worth it. You can do it.