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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
WilloTheWispy · 10/03/2024 23:03

If he can’t cope with changing the baby’s nappy there’s no way he’d cope with 50/50.
Your entire post is awful Op. He treats you appallingly. The language he uses about you, to you, about your Dad and brother.
I can only echo what everyone has said. For your own and your children’s sake, sanity and wellbeing get away from this monster ASAP.

DrinkinghelpsThinking · 10/03/2024 23:04

I haven’t read through the entire thread and so I’m not sure if anyone has posted this, hopefully they have.

OP, if you’re considering leaving, you need specialist help. Please do not let him know you plan to leave as this may increase the risk to you. I’ll drop a website link here https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/I-am-planning-to-leave-my-abuser#:~:text=If%20you%20have%20decided%20to,out%20you%20are%20considering%20leaving.

Take care my lovely. I wish you brighter MD’s in the future ❤️

Planning to leave my abuser | Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/I-am-planning-to-leave-my-abuser#:~:text=If%20you%20have%20decided%20to,out%20you%20are%20considering%20leaving.

Ghosttofu99 · 10/03/2024 23:05

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:58

I've told him countless time he is abusive and he has laughed in my face and told me I don't know what abuse is. He's made it clear to me it's my hormones this time, it was my hormones when I was pregnant. He wasn't like this until I was pregnant with my first child. He never raised his voice or called me names or gaslit me and he even got on well with my family but as soon as I got pregnant he switched

It’s really common for abuse to start when the woman gets pregnant. It sounds horrendous op. I really hope you are able to make a plan and leave. As he is openly abusive in front of other family members I doubt it would be easy for him to get 50/50. Good luck.

Peoplecoveredinfish · 10/03/2024 23:06

I am so very sorry you are being abused. Along with everyone else, I want to tell you do not deserve to be treated like this (no one does) and it will be better for your children to have an absent father than one who abuses their mother, both for their childhood, and their adult relationships.

I'd love to tell you to wait until he leaves the house and call a locksmith, but I also know it isn't that easy. The day I started on my escape was 18 months before I actually left. I regret leaving it so long, but I left when I could.

He won't change, he does mean it, it isn't a joke, it isn't you, it isn't work, stress, his upbringing etc etc etc, you don't have to make allowances, you don't have to do everything you can. If he wants to change, you can still leave (and if he shows you he has, you can start from there. he won't though.) He won't pursue any sort of contact, apart from to control you. He can't look after them for five minutes on mothers day. He's not going to want them at all. Speak to women's aid, start gathering paperwork, get a couple of locksmiths and cab numbers in your phone, get a little cash stash together and perhaps a spare phone, just in case. Get a full set of keys cut for the house and put a spare key outside somewhere hidden. Keep copies of paperwork and passwords at your parents house. A change of clothes or two wouldn't hurt, and a dupe of whatever your toddler refuses to sleep without. None of those commit you to leaving, but each one makes it a little easier if you need to in a hurry, or if you come to a realisation that you want to. Just pave the way for future-momentsofmadness to go if she decides the time is right. I ended up with all this in my car, and slept with my car keys. It wasn't fun, but I am OK now. I hope you will be too, soon.

You can leave, you should leave, you will leave. And you will wish you had left earlier.

SpongeBobSquarePantaloons · 10/03/2024 23:07

Just needed a rant to be honest

No, what you need is a divorce. Please dump this useless excuse for a man.

SuffolkUnicorn · 10/03/2024 23:09

Why are you with such an abusive prick?

SuffolkUnicorn · 10/03/2024 23:10

Leave before he kills you

SandyWaves · 10/03/2024 23:10

Call your dad and your brother now.

Pack some things for the kids, just so they can manage overnight.

Leave.

MzHz · 10/03/2024 23:11

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:58

I've told him countless time he is abusive and he has laughed in my face and told me I don't know what abuse is. He's made it clear to me it's my hormones this time, it was my hormones when I was pregnant. He wasn't like this until I was pregnant with my first child. He never raised his voice or called me names or gaslit me and he even got on well with my family but as soon as I got pregnant he switched

Classic abuser. He will only get worse. Worse and worse.

he may get violent.

get out.

I know he would fight me tooth and nail for 50/50 - they ALL say this and they NEVER DO.

think about it, he can’t even change a nappy or cook for his child

trust me. This is abuser 101.

Rycbar · 10/03/2024 23:14

OP, i want to be as gentle as possible because i know saying ‘leave’ isn’t as easy as it is to say. However I want you to have a really deep reflection on this. You say that you’re devastated to being your children up without their dad but I want you to think about this in another way. If either of your children came to you and said this was how their spouse was treating them, would you want them to accept that? Because exposing them to this now could mean that they think it’s acceptable. Or the other way, you find out that that is how they treat their spouse, if dad did it it must be okay right?
domestic abuse causes trauma in children. If you don’t leave for yourself. Leave for them.

sittingingold · 10/03/2024 23:14

The most important thing is you leave this man and you do it before the violence starts.

Your children are being damaged by staying with him - even if you don't have the strength to look after yourself, you will find the strength to protect them.

Ring woman's aid, get advice from them on how you can prepare to leave him safely.

Thank goodness for your parents, you are very fortunate in lots of ways, even if it doesn't seem that way at the moment.

Don't let him see this thread whatever you do.

When you get the strength to leave him just seem casually pleased that he wants the children 50/50 so you can have some freedom and a social life, go to the gym, as well as go back to work.
He won't want them if you look as if you will benefit and will enjoy the time away from them.

Teenagehorrorbag · 10/03/2024 23:15

Gosh OP I have never ever before said LTB on here, but you really must! He sounds utterly dreadful. The worst narcissist control freaks are good at being caring and lovely when it suits them - many of us have been there. But he will only get worse.

Please please please go back to your parents as soon as you can. I actually doubt he will fight tooth and nail for the children unless he gets another GF who will change nappies etc. He's more likely to post sob stories on social media.

But if he does get a degree of access then OK - he is their Dad. But he doesn't need to be able to gaslight and control their Mum. I wish you all the strength in the world!

Anotherforanoldermother · 10/03/2024 23:17

I had to stop reading this OP, because it’s so sad. I feel so sorry for you having just had a baby. It’s not your hormones. He’s dangerous.

That’s domestic abuse. You need to tell your parents what’s going on. Seek help.

oakleaffy · 10/03/2024 23:18

PinkLemonade555 · 10/03/2024 19:44

Why do women procreate with these absolute pieces of shit.

you don’t need a rant OP you need to leave.

Edited

THIS...@momentsofmadnesstoday Leave this useless scrote.
Your Parents sound lovely, kind people.
Go and live with them , kick the piece of crap out of your life.

Ydkiml · 10/03/2024 23:19

He would never want 50/50 . You can’t allow your children to grow up in the same house as this horrible man .Do yourself and your children right and Leave him .

SallyWD · 10/03/2024 23:19

Scaffoldingisugly · 10/03/2024 19:42

Ring your parents. Go stay there.. And take your dc with you. Make plans to never go back until he has left....

This

Cornishclio · 10/03/2024 23:21

This man is not a doting husband and father. He is vile and an abuser. Of course he does not like your family probably because he can see they know how horrible he is. I would be incredibly worried about you if you were my daughter. Get yourself out of this marriage asap. I can't see him fighting you for custody as caring for his children would eat into his football and rugby watching time. If he hasn't even changed a nappy he is a pretty useless dad.

DrBlackbird · 10/03/2024 23:24

Natty13 · 10/03/2024 20:08

You, frankly, need to raise your bar as it is currently in the gutter.

I'm sure he makes you feel worthless but you are not. You and your kids deserve way better. If my daughter ended up with a man like this I would despair, what disgusting behaviour towards you.

What a bitchy comment. It is not her fault. And your second sentence does not magically erase the first. Jesus if you can’t support this woman on a shit Mother’s Day then just don’t say anything at all.

6pence · 10/03/2024 23:24

He’ll say he wants 50/50 as he knows that will upset you, but in reality he will never want them that much on his own.

twilightermummy · 10/03/2024 23:28

I hope you leave. I've met people who have spent an entire marriage like the one you describe for decades because there was always an excuse. They're worn down, drained and don't know their left hand from their right.

I watched The Push last night. It was about this lovely, smart, beautiful woman who had been pushed off Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh by this absolute scumbag. The verbal abuse he put her through sounds similar to what you describe.

I've been in a similar relationship and went through the Freedom Program with women's aid. Most abusers follow a similar pattern ie change when pregnant, alienate from families, turning the kids against you (his language around the children is ultimately what he's aiming to achieve here). I think that you know all this already. I just hope that you will actually act on what you know is the right thing to do.

LorlieS · 10/03/2024 23:31

I left an abusive ex-husband and he took me to court for 50/50, explaining that was my "punishment" for leaving him. He got it, so life was obvious very hard (I'd been my young sons' primary carer up until that point) but I don't think I regret leaving him and standing on my own two feet away from the constant control and fear.
I know it's hard but it's doable ❤️

AllICanDoIsTry · 10/03/2024 23:31

If you make the choice to leave, please be VERY careful. Dont say anything until you are gone, if hes escalating and he realises hes loosing control, thats when he is at most risk of causing you serious harm. A piece of shit like him is likely to do something like withhold one of the children to get you to do what he wants.

Get your ducks in a row, quielty and carefully 1st and then leave, fast when hes out.

Call womens aid even if its just for someone to talk to.

He will make it hard even when youre gone, hell try every damm trick in the book and try to wear you down to the point you start to think it was easier to put up with what hes like now. But do not give in

rainbowsparkle28 · 10/03/2024 23:41

You need to get help to get out or get him to - your situation is highly toxic and abusive and you and your children deserve so much more. I hope you can find the strength and worth within yourself to make a change 💐

Moveoverdarlin · 10/03/2024 23:44

The first time he said ‘I want to smash your Dad’s face in’ I would have said ‘what did you just say?’ And would have called it a day there and then. No one speaks about my parents like that. I’d have killed him. The first time he called me a cunt, well again, he’d be out the door an hour later.

Your Mum sounds petrified of him, the fact she wanted to leave before he got back speaks volumes. She didn’t want to see him and she didn’t want you to get in trouble with him. This is your Mum, your parents. Can you imagine how petrified they are for you? Your children will be the same. I can’t believe it’s 2024 and women put up with this utter shit. He’s utter scum. Leave. Contact a solicitor, get the fuck out.

MeiMoonMei · 10/03/2024 23:45

Leave now / today / tonight. Just get out. Leave. Echoing everyone else who has posted.