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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
pinoco · 10/03/2024 22:17

Really sad to read this. I've experienced something very similar and it started during pregnancy, I later found out that this is a classic time for abuse to begin. I have also noted that he is particularly abusive today, mothers day, because it's meant be about YOU and any other days when it's about someone else but him, he behaves like this, and tries to spoil and disrupt.

I'm aware the term narcissist is used too frequently these days but I would google some of his behaviour, along with 'narcissist' and I think you'll find it's a massive eye opener. It helped me understand my ex partners behavioural patterns and has meant I can now predict how he'll behave and I don't get upset because I know what's coming, oh and believe me, they NEVER change.

Undoubtably you must leave him. I'm so sorry as it's a frightening thought with small children but I did it when they were babies and it's the best decision I've made. It has been incredibly hard of course but you need to make sure your children are out of this as soon as possible. As they're so young, they'll never know any different. Best of luck OP.

SomeCatFromJapan · 10/03/2024 22:18

And I agree there's no way that lazy fuck will want 50/50. Not a chance.

Josette77 · 10/03/2024 22:20

Call your parents.

Tell them everything he has done.
Go to their house now.
You aren't safe.
Your kids aren't safe.

Leave.

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 10/03/2024 22:21

I think people say LTB too quickly on mumsnet but in this case LTFB.

And let me guess your next posts will be about how amazing he is at other times and how you don’t want to put the kids through separation etc and so you end up staying and enduring all the abuse.

Poppyzo · 10/03/2024 22:22

I would leave and find a new husband. You shouldn’t be walking on egg shells.

Sallyh87 · 10/03/2024 22:22

Firstly, well done for telling someone, even if it is just strangers on the internet. That takes real strength.

There is a lot of good advice already on this thread.

You know what you have to do and you know you have support from you parents when you are ready. Sending good wishes x

Notthegodofsmallthings · 10/03/2024 22:22

Nearly a third of abuse starts in pregnancy. It never ends there. This is not your fault, OP.

Home - Women's Aid (womensaid.org.uk) - when you are ready.

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Fundays12 · 10/03/2024 22:23

OP please leave this man. I know your weak at the moment and he has worn you down but you cannot expose your children to this man. They will grow up thinking it's normal and may well do it to there partner's and you. Do you have any evidence of this abuse from over the years? Eye witnesses outwith your family?

Courts will act in the best interests of the children and it's highly unlikely that there father would be considered a stable, safe and a good influence when he behaves like this. He also can't even change a nappy. Do you honestly think he will want 50/50 long term when he realises its hard work caring for kids? He sounds like he would be lucky to get supervised contact at a contact centre.

Take your children, make an escape plan with your parents, get a solicitor, get passports, birth certificates, all paperwork together and in a safe place (maybe your parents home) and leave. Call woman's aid to ask for advice. This is abuse.

nameshame24 · 10/03/2024 22:25

Wow. I thought I'd had a shitty Mother's Day until I read this post. I am so sorry OP but your OH sounds awful and you deserve so so much better than him.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 10/03/2024 22:27

Leave him op he sounds fucking awful.

mrlistersgelfbride · 10/03/2024 22:28

Bloody hell, OP. This man is scum. I don't say this lightly, I have a high tolerance for shit men, but oh my goodness you need to leave him.
How horrible he has been! You poor thing it's your first mother's day with 2 kids and he has been selfish, calling you names, abusive, gaslighting, being lazy.
You family sound supportive. Can they help you?

You deserve much more 💐
Happy Mother's Day x

MustBeGinOclock · 10/03/2024 22:30

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2024 19:49

I'm actually horrified that you don't seem to understand how abusive and fucking horrible your husband is. Your children are going to be ruined growing up around this man. They are going to grow up thinking this abuse is totally normal. Please get yourself and your kids away from him.

I feel the same. Get your kids out of this!

Annime · 10/03/2024 22:30

Just wanted to send you a BIG hug OP!

Try and confide in your parents and also keep a journal of his abusive behavior whilst also putting together an exit plan. You are lucky that you have loving parents who are able to accommodate and even help towards a mortgage. Many women/men aren't so lucky. So you are halfway there.

Next stop is to find the strength to leave. But that will come. Whenever, you get weak, read what you've written here and imagine that was your child saying it and what advice you would give them.

Happy Mother's Day!! You deserve better.

Sid077 · 10/03/2024 22:33

Sending you strength, when he leaves for work tmw pack small bags for you and the kids and leave this nightmare behind you. How lucky you are to have a loving family waiting for you - run don’t walk to them, imagine the peace you and your children will have. You can do it.

dorriss · 10/03/2024 22:33

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MisoHappy · 10/03/2024 22:33

I’m usually more of a ‘reader’ than a ‘commenter’ but I couldn’t read this and leave.
As previous posters have said, this is abuse and you need to get yourself and your children out of there. It is difficult, extremely difficult, especially when children are involved, but it will only get worse. The gaslighting, name calling and love bombing to ‘win you back’ when it’s convenient for him, it’s all abuse and I hate to hear of women (or people in general) being treat this way. You deserve so much more, and I hope that when you have the strength, you realise that and are able to leave. Please don’t settle for this.

Sending you love ❤️

Singasongtime · 10/03/2024 22:34

You can do this and it might be hard but you absolutely must leave for the sake of your children. At some point social services could get wind and if you don't leave, your children are at risk of being taken into care to protect them from this abusive man. Find the strength before your life is at risk and you risk him being the only surviving parent for them. This isn't to scare you but you have to leave for your own safety. Keep a log of everything and get the police involved asap. Please contact women's aid asap and get out. You are vulnerable with a newborn so surely you will be priority. You must let your parents know. Men like this are unpredictable and you can't go on like this. Wishing you all the best. Give yourself the best mothers day present by deciding to leave.

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 10/03/2024 22:34

An abusive father, is an abusive father. An abusive husband is an abusive husband. The test isn't whether he is abusive all of the time, the issue is that he is abusive. If he’s pleasant Monday to Friday, but a complete nightmare on Saturdays and a sulker on Sundays, he’s still abusive. The effects of his one ‘off day’ last forever. The pattern develops, where you know that anything can set him off, and then it’s hell.
No one can flourish living with this type of anxiety and fear. His erratic moods, his vile language, his intimidating presence and pointless jealousy cannot be fixed by you, and your children shouldn’t have to police their own behaviour and emotions to ‘‘accommodate Daddy, and help Mummy cope” …because that is what will happen if you stay.
Dysfunctional people feed off others and refuse to take responsibility for their actions, it’s always someone else or something else which started ‘it’.
You are sacrificing yourself and your children’s needs and their welfare, to appease a bully. Don’t punish yourself for choosing him, or for ignoring red flags, it isn't easy to separate, and no one goes into a relationship wanting it to fail, but leaving him, is a far more intelligent way of resolving this unhappiness.
The sooner you separate the sooner you can process all of this and move on. Thank God you have a loving family and they will support you 100%. Good luck and believe in yourself. Your self esteem has been damaged by your husband. Trust your inner voice, you've been raised by loving caring parents who aspired to the best. They don't want to see their daughter and her children suffering needlessly. Return home to Mum and Dad, for a spell and take things from there.

Landlubber2019 · 10/03/2024 22:36

You don't need to vent, you need to leave!

Remember that keeping your children in this environment normalises his behaviour and as they get older, he will likely weaponise your children against you.

Please keep all these messages to get the strength to make a new life, a better life one where you aren't doing all the work alone on mother's day and where you are celebrated and appreciated !

Happy mother's day and I sincerely hope next year, you are in a different space x

KnitFastDieWarm · 10/03/2024 22:37

He is very abusive and you need to leave to protect yourself and your children. Nothing about this is ok or normal. Please take care of yourself.

RunningJo · 10/03/2024 22:38

As others have said he is abusing you. There is absolutely NO excuse for his behaviour.
Such an awful situation for you and your children to be in. If you can’t leave for you, leave for your children. Do you want them to grow up around behaviour like this, thinking this is a loving normal relationship?.
I don’t say any of this lightly, it’s not easy to walk away even in horrible situations, but it sounds like you have your parents to support which will make it easier. As for sharing the children, I’d speak to a solicitor and get advice on this. I do hope you find the courage to go, you deserve so much more.

SwordToFlamethrower · 10/03/2024 22:39

That isn't a mother's day from hell, that is a marriage from hell. 💔💔💔

SwordToFlamethrower · 10/03/2024 22:42

Please go to your parents house and tell them exactly what you told us. You need to stay with them, along with your babies. Be safe 🙏

treacletoffeee · 10/03/2024 22:48

Please leave he will never change. You're very lucky to have the support of your family, so many women don't have that.

Irishmama100 · 10/03/2024 22:56

Leave! That was just awful to read🥲 If he is banging about to just feed his kids and doesn’t want to change a nappy I would say he will not want 50:50 custody. You deserve better🥲