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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
flowertoday · 10/03/2024 21:54

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Your husband is a waste of time and all resources including oxygen. What a disgusting horrible man he is.
You and your children deserve better. He will never be that.
Leave as soon as you can and don't look back. Life is so very short, don't waste any more of it on someone like him
Wishing you lots of luck.

Padamae · 10/03/2024 21:56

I think this needs to be the last Mother's Day that you spend in his company. Next year you will be celebrating with your beautiful children with people that love and support you.

PSEnny · 10/03/2024 21:56

Please leave. Go to your parents. Get divorced and make sure you get what you’re entitled to. He may say he wants the kids 50/50 but the reality is he won’t. He sounds useless and will only say he wants them to get at you. The reality will be very different as there is no way he’ll give up his football etc to have the kids. Don’t let this worry stop you leaving.

Motnight · 10/03/2024 21:56

Bloody hell, Op.

Really hope that this thread is helping you see that you need to leave your abusive husband

DemelzaandRoss · 10/03/2024 21:57

Leave tomorrow. (Parents)
Never ever ever go back to him.
Begin a new life free of abuse.
Day 1 tomorrow.

I feel enraged for you.
Wishing you freedom from the most ghastly person.

Imjustagirlintheworld · 10/03/2024 21:58

Bloody hell.

What the hell have I just read?

I hope this isn’t real - but if it is please, please op get out as soon as you can.

He is indescribably horrendous, abusive and sick in the head.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 10/03/2024 21:58

I’ve not a great deal of experience in your situation but that little win you think you’re having now is something he is likely to turn against you when you eventually start being ok with him again. He will hold it against you and use it as another thing to attack you with.

Please, please, OP, get everything together for you and the children and go to your mum’s. This will never get better and your children will be much better off in the long run.

Thatfridayfeeling18 · 10/03/2024 22:00

I've read your post plus a few of the replies. I'm not one for automatically taking sides as there is always 2 sides to every story plus I'm very much in favour of keeping families together. On this occasion if it was me I'd be out of there but there again I can only go by your post and don't know the whole situation so that's all I'm saying.

Mittens1717 · 10/03/2024 22:00

PSEnny · 10/03/2024 21:56

Please leave. Go to your parents. Get divorced and make sure you get what you’re entitled to. He may say he wants the kids 50/50 but the reality is he won’t. He sounds useless and will only say he wants them to get at you. The reality will be very different as there is no way he’ll give up his football etc to have the kids. Don’t let this worry stop you leaving.

This, men like that are all talk no action

LeavesOnTrees · 10/03/2024 22:01

I'd like to just agree with PP saying he won't take the DC 50/50. My friend left an abusive DH, he was a charmer and started turning nasty when she got pregnant.

She eventually left when he got violent, she had no family near (from another country[. He fought her, initially for full custody, then for 50/50 but eventually got EOW and half of school holidays. After about a year he stopped bothering with the weekends and the holidays are rare now as well.

I'm so glad to hear you have a way out with your family to help. I hope you find the strength to do so.

Chatonette · 10/03/2024 22:01

Wow, he sounds like a real gentleman. 😒

Powderblue1 · 10/03/2024 22:01

Please get help to get out of this situation OP. Sounds like coercive control and narcissistic behaviour!

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/03/2024 22:02

He won't want your children 50/50 - your baby is two weeks old, it's Mother's Day and he is already leaving virtually all the housework and childcare to you. He is a lazy, abusive bully.

Take help where you can, to get him away from you and your children.

bumblebutt28 · 10/03/2024 22:02

Absolutely awful reading your op. I totally understand your concerns about the possibility of him going for 50/50 contact but think logically - he couldn't even manage 5 minutes without bringing the baby to you. Is he really going to want to give up his work, his football, his life, just to look after two small children to spite you? Probably not. But the threat of it is another attempt to control you. And it's working.

He is extremely abusive as other posters have said. There is no defending any of this behaviour at all. Please take the useful advice you've had here and find a way out. It's no life for you or your poor kids.

Turkishcoffee · 10/03/2024 22:04

Yeah, you need to leave. You and your kids deserve so much more. He is vile.

Agree with those saying contact Women's Aid. Personally, I would contact the police too if I thought he was going to cause a huge problem about a separation.

caringcarer · 10/03/2024 22:04

I just can't understand why you stay with such a nasty abusive person? Everyday he says he wants to hurt your family and is aggressive and rude. You have such low standards.

Merryoldgoat · 10/03/2024 22:05

@momentsofmadnesstoday

This is horrific. Just call your mum and dad and ask them to collect you and leave.

Just leave. All the rest will come after you get away.

Nazzywish · 10/03/2024 22:12

Oh OP 2 week baby and what are you dealing with.... made me so sad reading that. That twat is abusive. It will not change it will simply get worse until you are so worn down you accept it. Your kids will see it and as the grow it will affect them more and then the damage is done.
You need to either get out now and just accept that needs must. Or you bide your time, record his behaviour- keep a diary- log this with your gp/ midwife/ any professional. Get your ducks in a row financially..
Given your youngest is so little it won't be 50/50 and with his abuse maybe others can advise better but this will affect that too. Start planning OP. Don't juet leave it now because this time.next year youneed to be out.

pavedwithgoodintentions · 10/03/2024 22:14

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:58

I've told him countless time he is abusive and he has laughed in my face and told me I don't know what abuse is. He's made it clear to me it's my hormones this time, it was my hormones when I was pregnant. He wasn't like this until I was pregnant with my first child. He never raised his voice or called me names or gaslit me and he even got on well with my family but as soon as I got pregnant he switched

The abuser's playbook: once they're 'trapped' due to pregnancy, the abuse begins.

Please tell someone IRL OP and look for help in leaving. Women's Aid, your GP, family worker at the local school. Someone. You are in a seriously abusive relationship and this is not a healthy or safe place for you or your children. Please don't raise them with a man like that.

rio2 · 10/03/2024 22:15

This is heartbreaking sending u love and strength! Please if anything speak to womens aid
Speak to your parents
The first step was posting on here
Please look after yourself as it is a known fact when women leave they are at most risk
You do not deserve this it is abuse!
Keep yourself safe
You can report and log abuse to the police without taking further action or him knowing
This will help keep a record
Hope things get better for you

Iamnotalemming · 10/03/2024 22:15

You and your DC deserve so much more than this.

Noseybookworm · 10/03/2024 22:16

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:56

I know you are all right. My parents would welcome me and children and have room for us. They would even likely help me get a mortgage on a a house and there is a fair bit of money I would get from the house sale so financially I would be fine. I would need to go back to work earlier than I had hoped. My parents know what he's like not because I tell them anything I wouldn't do that but because he is rude to their faces. My mum said to me today what time is he back so we can make sure we are gone. I feel very guilty exposing my children to this sort of person but until I wrote this down I don't think I did realise how abusive he is as he's very much like this on any special occasion and probably once a week. The rest of the time he's the doting husband and dad which is what confuses me. I feel devastes for my children not having a dad live with them if I left and I know he would fight me tooth and nail for 50/50 and I just can't give my children up like that. I'm crying at the thought of not having my children with me full time

Please think about what your children would be growing up with seeing their mother being verbally abused by their father, or worse. He is actively trying to isolate you from your family in order to stop you having any support system and making you more reliant on him. The fact that you seem to accept his behaviour towards you shows how much he is killing your spirit. You need to leave. Take your children and go to your parents. He sounds like a selfish bastard so I highly doubt that he will want to have the children 50/50. Get out of there and get legal advice ASAP. Good luck OP, you deserve SO much better than this 💐

MyCatsAreFuckwits · 10/03/2024 22:16

Aw OP, my heart sank the more I read your story.

It took me back to when I was in a very bad place with my ex (father of my 2 children). I completely know how you feel and hear what you say as I was in a very similar position.
Short version of my story is that I left. Rebuilt my life and esteem. My children and I are very happy.
I have emerged as one of the strongest, most assured and confident of women.

Your mum and dad sound wonderful, go to them with open arms. They will help.

Be me OP, close the book that is the life with your husband and start your own story...one that will be happy and peaceful.
I'm not going to say it was easy but it was the best decision I have ever made.

Love to you on Mother's Day ❤

Nicole1111 · 10/03/2024 22:17

What you’re describing is domestic abuse. This image might help you to better understand all the different ways he is abusing you. Sadly, it is text book for abuse to increase or begin when someone falls pregnant. Unfortunately it’s also text book for abuse to escalate with time, and sadly I think it’s therefore safe to say it’s just going to get worse and worse. Right now you probably feel highly reliant on him, isolated from friends and family and have crippling low self esteem. I’m assuming that because those are the tools an abuser uses to make you more likely to tolerate their shit and less likely to leave. Please please please please please think carefully about ending this. You can get support from the police and from a local domestic abuse charity (they can offer face to face support). If you can also be really honest about everything with your friends and family they’ll help you with leaving if you feel ready and in ensuring your safety as you leave. You deserve better than this. Your children deserve better than this. Just remember your stronger than you think because you’ve survived this relationship. Good luck.

Mother's Day from hell
SomeCatFromJapan · 10/03/2024 22:17

OP my god. He's appalling. Truly vile. He's a nasty abusive man, you and your children deserve so much better and your poor parents do too. Please take your parents up on their offer and go to them. I promise your life will be so much happier and nicer without that big lump of spite and anger in it.