Dating thread 246 - Spring Dating

[SamW98]

Continued from 245….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I think the apps are addictive. I find myself getting involved more than I should and I don’t know these people! Then I feel like I’ve wasted my time. I did have a positive experience and dated a lovely guy for about 4 months. It ended with him being a bit flaky etc. But I didn’t really want a relationship at the time. It worked for me up until then. Im considering lowering my age range just for fwb purposes as I seem to get a lot of interest from guys younger than myself. Anyone done this?

It is addictive. I’m a week back into another match subscription and feel like I have scanned through any half decent man within a 30 mile radius. Now down to the dregs. Oh and the ones who after a week are not moving the conversation along 😩

@Poppyzo I've done that, I like younger guys

The younger men don’t do it for me at all. Maybe I’m not cut out for FWB but even to have sex I need someone on my wavelength. If I haven’t got that connection, I’d rather use sex toys than bother with a man. I can’t have sex for the sake of sex.

@User990 did you go much younger?
I have had a few dates with a guy 8 years younger. I was wary he wouldn’t be on my wavelength but he was. Similar age children, decent job etc.

Younger men can be a bit immature but they have way less baggage and cynicism than older men.

I've went out with this guy I (sort of) consider my friend. He makes me feel comfortable, i am attracted to him (very much) but then when we went out, he mentioner his "bitch ex-wife" 🤐

I was stunned because it was the first time he mentioned his ex, but i reckon we all know that's a red flag, so FML will be spending this bank holiday staring at the ceiling 😖 so sad when you can't be with ppl

@Poppyzo yes similar, mid to late 30s but depends so much of an individual!

@blacksocks33 I just read your update and a little bit about your story and my heart goes out to you so much. It seems you have been through so so much but you were strong to survive things that might have killed someone else. You deserve good things in your life! And with experiences it's completely normal to worry. After my ex, i ended up with ptsd, so i don't give most men a chance because i am so guarded and just have my walls up

I am not posting because I got entangled in a complicated story 😩though don't regret and at least the complications are more about financial, jobs and distance things rather than involving ex wives or children. However it does involve unprocessed feelings (for the guy) from a very recent break-up.

However he is the FIRST from my first husband decades ago who I genuinely connected and feel completely myself with and very safe and happy. (only one date with unfortunately nearly 3 weeks talking before it which made me paranoid I invested into an illusion, but he was just as good in real life! though not someone I would have picked from a line up, and probably would have liked him less physically if I hadn't liked him so much already from all the talking for weeks! ) have been speaking for a month now...I had to snooze Bumble because have no headspace for anything else.

However! I am late 40s and he was 8 years younger than me and we matched semi by accident, initially I wasn't going that low, but after a date he told me that he is actually two years younger (he looked about five years younger than his alleged age), because for security reasons he always automatically gives his age online as two years above, and did it without thinking too for Bumble too. That's a first for me coming across someone claiming to be OLDER than they are!

So he is not 8, but 10 years younger than me, and then I found out that his most recent ex was 9 years younger than him 😩so basically potentially he might be going into dating a woman 19 years older than his long term gf.

And he never slept with anyone who has had children.

Oh, and he is away out of the country for several weeks now - but he said it very early on in case I didn't want to get involved, and the same about not being able to meet, he had a crazy work schedule and actually was about to delete Bumble when we matched because he realised he had no time for dating in March and April!

So I went into all of it with my eyes open because he was just SO INTERESTING, but in the first week+ thought it would be just chatting but actually now feels far more intense than I ever expected it to be. I was totally sure that I only want a light connection maybe slightly stronger than FWB and this guy made me think actually with the right person turns out I am ready for a relationship. But of course there are all these complications, things can't seem to be straightforward and easy for anyone...

@blacksocks33 I totally echo what @cassiatwenty just posted. No wonder you are anxious about Mr Shy potentially ghosting you. I'd say you are responding in an entirely understandable way given all you've been through. I'm so sorry all that has happened to you and I'm rooting for things to work out with Mr Shy but if it doesn't at least you've tried and gave it a go despite it being so anxiety provoking.

I look "fresh" for my age (well everyone says so about themselves😁) but I have been asked three times in the last 6 months by men and women if I am over 40 yet, so it doesn't look very screamy in your face that I am older than him(though he looks younger than his age too annoyingly haha), however the fact stands, he never dated anyone with children or slept with an older woman...he doesn't seem to care but I am nervous (if it even comes to be with all the complications!).
I had several kids, my stomach is a squishy mess and I had surgeries and have ugly scars on my stomach etc...with a guy older or my age I probably would still feel good enough about my body, I am fairly slim and "firm" overall but I never expected potentially getting undressed in front of someone much younger who didn't have such an experience before.

Did anyone have to go through similar and can re-assure me? But not if you look like a goddess and can come easily (I need a lot of time to be comfortable with a guy to be able to orgasm with him and it was disappointing to ex boyfriends at early stages of dating because made them feel like it was their fault)

However like others in their 40s eventually I dropped my age settings because I discovered it was MUCH easier to match with guys in their 30s up at 42 rather than 45+ even, they all seem to set their age either under 40 or 45, and I am over 45 so probably get filtered out...

I understand my connection is very up in the air and the main reason I don't regret it as that I learnt stuff about myself, that turns out there are people out there that I could really really like, that I might rethink having a relationship and that my criteria before (must have children, must be over 42 etc etc) were too rigid!
I only swiped because his profile made me laugh and I wanted to tell him that, I expected nothing to come of it, and he said it was literally when he pressed delete app that the notification came through that he had a match - and in that instance I wrote to him as soon as I matched (20 min after swiping on him) because it was late and I wanted to go to bed but didn't want to leave it as a task for the morning. He did since delete Bumble btw...basically I felt a little like I was "set up" (by the Universe 😀) and now trying hard not just relax and go with the flow because there are so many complications beyond my control. Keep telling myself if it's meant to be it will work...

By the way have been reading about everyone's experiences and cheering on or commiserating but silently, but this chat is invaluable!! Thanks to everyone who contributes, it is really helpful! 💓

Agree with previous posters in response to @blacksocks33 story, you've done amazingly 🌷

@RadiantRainbow I don't have anything helpful to share as I've not got past date 1 with anyone as none of them have been for me so far but I do totally relate to worries about having scars/ squishy tummy.
My body is not what it was pre kids.

Plus I've not had sex with anyone bar my ex for 18 years and all that makes the thought of jumping into bed with someone fairly horrifying. Hence I've been at the gym far more than I ever have done previously!

I have had quite a lot of interest from younger men which I've just ignored for all the reasons listed above! So totally relate to your post.

WWYD question - when I first dipped my toe into OLD 18 months ago I matched with a couple of guys and was chatting. Both seemed really nice but one absolutely made my heart (and other bits) flutter so I unmatched guy 2 and continued with guy 1.

To cut a long story short, guy 1 ended up either a player or a catfish - it’s a very long story!!

Anyway guy 2 (the one I unmatched) just appeared in Bumble so I swiped right - and it’s a match!!!

So my question would you mention chatting previously or wait and see if he does? (If he even remembers)

@SamW98 Depends on how long you talked, first I thought don't mention, but if it was an extensive conversation it might feel weird if you pretend you don't know him, it's not like you have dementia!
If the question of previous unmatching comes up you could just say was more interested in someone else but it didn't work out (if you unmatched without an explanation at the time)

@SamW98
This has happened to me lol
If you had chatted previously like you said
Sounds like he probably remembers you as well
I would treat the convo like meeting up with an old friend again
No harm in it, could be the one 😀

I'd mention it probably and just be honest. I can't really focus on loads of chats so if one feels like it's going somewhere I do just stop chatting with others who on reflection could have potential so can totally see this happening to me. I'd probably just say it how it was.

This is maybe a turn up for the books, at least you didn't unmatch him for previous bad behaviour on his part!

Thank you ladies - I’ve dropped him a brief message mentioning something on his profile so if he replies I’ll bring the subject up.

It was back when I was new to OLD and can’t believe now I got hoodwinked. But we live and learn

Is it worth paying for bumble?

Not in my experience!

No. Only worth considering if there’s a 50% off offer.

Does anybody talk to their pet like 'I love you, yes I do!'

I just had a message on the free site that says 'I think you look lovely, yes I do' & it's properly made me giggle

Pepsimaxedout I only like Bumble when I'm paying for it, but most on here disagree!

@Pepsimaxedout I pay and think it's worth, it suits me, as I look guys that have liked me, so I can control the match happening and how many chats I'm having.

@NervesOfCotton sounds like a cute message

cassiatwenty Shame he was 200 miles away!