Is it ok for the man to choose his kids over our new relationship

[MerryMember]

He had an awful marriage so did I , we met and it was amazing, since all his court stuff with his ex wife , he wanted the children full time . Only to get 1 full time . The wife is dating his mate . But he wasn’t great him self . There’s been a lot of stuff going on. He got custody of 1 and the others 50% since then it’s been so hard and less time as his work has been so busy . I got my kids to go to my soon to be ex husband 2 weekends a month to match his time . Which didn’t happen before . Now it’s been 2 years he’s now being difficult, cutting our weekends down . His mum has a lot of control . But is it unreasonable to have our time when I dont have my boys and now I’m the bad one for wanting our time without his child ? She is very needy and won’t leave his side . Which I find weird she makes me feel I’m in the way . But he doesn’t see it . I think he’s over doing it because of his last relationship with her mum . Fml it’s so hard with 5 kids . I always thought it wouldn’t change when we first met . How wrong I am I ? It’s causing problems, shall I just not say anything or continue to express my feelings?

I would always choose my children over any other relationship.

He wouldn't be much of a man if he didn't put his children first, especially after what they must have been through.

It's not about 'choosing' your children. It's about not spending every waking second with them to the detriment of other relationships.

Op is the only one making the effort to spend time together as a couple.

I wonder if he takes the 14yr old when he meets his male friends.

Of course it is, what a mind numbingly stupid question.

What do you think single parents do or 2 family parents do?

They have their kids all of the time and the only way they can get some alone time is by going out together or waiting until the kids go sleep.

Don’t get into a relationship with someone with kids if you only want them around PT.

I hope he doesn’t know you feel this way, as if I was him I would run for the hills.

They are all kinds of kids out there. Some cannot breathe without their parents, some do not fall asleep by themselves, some need special tutoring and constant reminding what to do next, even if it is a simple task. It would just so easy if there he is, the new man popped into your life and you are now having it all easy and smooth. Life is never like that

I wonder if he takes the 14yr old when he meets his male friends.

IME it's very different introducing a child to a new partner, to introducing them to friends. If you say to a child 'I'm going out to see my mate Jeff' they tend to take that as fair enough, so long as you spend a decent amount of time with them and are a good parent otherwise. If you say to them 'I'm going out with my new girlfriend Jane tonight, the babysitter will look after you' that's very different. It can raise feelings of being displaced and potentially evoke jealousy and insecurity.

It's not about pandering to a child's every whim, or being with them 24/7. But it is about prioritising their needs (not their wants) over your wants. They need security and they need to know you'll look after them. IME it can be a really tricky line. Of course parents should have their own lives and that includes dating and relationships. But if you date someone who has children from a previous relationship, you do need to accept that a good partner and parent will consider them first, before they consider you. They might then still go on a date, or whatever, but only after they've thought about the effect on their children and whether or not it might harm them if they're having less attention.

He's better than my ex husband who chose his girlfriend over our son, who hasn't seen him since! You are being selfish. This relationship is not for you.

She is very needy and won’t leave his side . Which I find weird she makes me feel I’m in the way

maybe his daughter is feeding off your energy of clearly not wanting her around so clinging to her dad more as a safe space.

I’m thinking OP is trolling to be honest at least i hope their a troll because no decent parent is going to ask if the kids should alway be the first priority, scary if they are actually a childminder as well.

This is not a good relationship for either of you. If he were posting I'd tell him to run from a woman who wants him to prioritize her over his children.

My DP and I both have kids, we have a weekend a fortnight when we have none. I would be lying if i didn't say how much I love those weekends. I was very unhappily married for 23 years, never got to do things as a couple. I really cherish the time I now have with someone who makes me happy
However if he had to have his children every weekend he would definitely put that before me. I would then have to decide if that was the life I wanted. No way would he not do it because of me, kids come first

@MerryMember you want to make memories with him? Well maybe he wants to make memories with his kids. He sounds like a decent dad I'm glad he's putting his kids first as it should be. The fact you want him to get rid of his kids or put them aside for you speaks volumes about what kind of parent you must be.

To paraphrase Taylor Swift, you're the problem. It's you.

It's NOT HIM you're expecting to adapt - it's his DD - who by the sounds of it has already had a pretty tough time and needs and wants her dad. You can't expect her to shuffle off God knows where just because you fancy a romantic weekend with her dad.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a great dad and he's putting her needs first

He should put his children first all of the time. You can't expect him to prioritise you just because you have a child free weekend.

His responsibility towards his daughter is far greater than any responsibility he has towards you and your relationship.

From the sounds of things, you aren't compatible. I admire your DP hugely- very few men prioritise their children over a new woman.

You want more time with him, he doesn't have the time as his kids are more important than you. That's it, right? End it, OP.

Of course his kids should come before a relationship. Especially a new one. How do you think you’d feel if your ex was prioritizing a new relationship over your kids? I bet you’d be unhappy, so it works both ways.

He’s doing the right thing here, and it sounds like you have some growing up to do.

So how is that any different to what your DP is doing?

I don't think this is the right relationship for you. You don't want to be a family with 5 DC, you want to have time alone with your partner without any children around, and you don't want a partner with a 'needy' child. All of those things are well within your rights to not want. But you need to find a man without these responsibilities rather than try to force the one you have to neglect his. You can't compete for a man's time against his own children.

I admire your DP in all honesty. You don’t often hear of men who put their kids first over the new gf. I know my ex doesn’t, whiny spoilt gf has fully shunted the kids out and he just let it happen. And you hear about this happening time and time and time again. So good for your DP for being a refreshing change to the depressing status quo.

Kids should come first. Always. You have time together. It has to be them.

5 kids is always going to be hard due to the amount and being blended families.

It's just tough.

You need a boyfriend who doesn't have children. I don't think you understand that you won't ever be top priority when there are children involved.

DP and I agreed kids always come first! Sometimes we get very title time together. His kids schedule doesn’t fully match mine which is nice cos they get quality time with their Dad and same for me and mine.

My 2 DC aged 19 & 20 have just cut their Father out of their lives because since we split 8 years ago he has always put his new wife before them. He is gobsmacked at their lack respect for him yet he is merely reaping what he has sown since they were younger.

Yes, all the time - wouldn't you choose your kids over a man all the time?