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Original poster

Is it ok for the man to choose his kids over our new relationship

183 replies

MerryMember · 08/03/2024 05:54

He had an awful marriage so did I , we met and it was amazing, since all his court stuff with his ex wife , he wanted the children full time . Only to get 1 full time . The wife is dating his mate . But he wasn’t great him self . There’s been a lot of stuff going on. He got custody of 1 and the others 50% since then it’s been so hard and less time as his work has been so busy . I got my kids to go to my soon to be ex husband 2 weekends a month to match his time . Which didn’t happen before . Now it’s been 2 years he’s now being difficult, cutting our weekends down . His mum has a lot of control . But is it unreasonable to have our time when I dont have my boys and now I’m the bad one for wanting our time without his child ? She is very needy and won’t leave his side . Which I find weird she makes me feel I’m in the way . But he doesn’t see it . I think he’s over doing it because of his last relationship with her mum . Fml it’s so hard with 5 kids . I always thought it wouldn’t change when we first met . How wrong I am I ? It’s causing problems, shall I just not say anything or continue to express my feelings?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/03/2024 11:48

Are you saying he always brings his 14yr old when he meets you? That's nuts, she's old enough to be alone or go to.a mates.

Secondstart1001 · 08/03/2024 11:48

BlueSkyBlueLife · 08/03/2024 10:49

I dont think that where the OP is coming from.

Her dcs are with their dad EOW.
She was expecting the dd to be with her mum EOW. Which tbh is what happens in most cases? Unless the father (usually) is completely useless.

I dint think that’s a crazy expectation.

Show quote history

Agree! This is my arrangement too and it works and we enjoy it! However in next few weeks my DD doesn’t want to go to her dads as she has A Level mocks. She still after 4 years doesn’t like idea of me having a relationship so won’t really be seeing my DP for more than an afternoon on that weekend as I don’t want her to be upset while studying ( even though her stance is unreasonable she has to come first esp in next few months). However OP also deserves some space to spend with her partner but not sure how she will navigate this. I will get slammed for this but kids should come first all of time but it’s not unreasonable to have needs met as an adult like going away on the weekend or so spending time alone. Some posters need to get a grip as there is like after kids become adults .. my oldest will be 18 soon and I’m sure once she’s at uni I won’t see her as much as she rightly builds her life , studies and makes her choices!

Secondstart1001 · 08/03/2024 11:49

Meant life after kids grow up!

KreedKafer · 08/03/2024 11:49

YABVU. He is a parent and his children will (and should) always come first. If you don't want to have to spend time with someone's children, then do not date men who have children. Of course his custody arrangements weren't always going to stay the same forever. If you date a parent, you need to be fully aware that even if they don't have their children full-time, there might come a time when they will need to (what did you imagine would have happened if their mother became terminally ill or gets hit by a truck?!) and if you can't cope with that, you need to end the relationship.

You clearly didn't think through any other possible scenarios beyond the one that existed when you met this man.

BardRelic · 08/03/2024 11:52

I think you need to end this relationship OP. When I got together with my partner he had his DD 50/50. That changed to full time shortly after we got together. It did alter things for us. He never, ever used me as childcare but it meant that we could only very occasionally go out on dates. Most of the time we had to find things all three of us could do together. I worked really hard to help his DD feel more secure. I don't think you've got it in you to do that, which is fine. I don't have kids myself which I think made the whole situation easier, as we weren't juggling so many things.

But I admired my DP for putting his child before me. And now she's older and more independent. We can go on lots of dates now, which is great, but we both miss having her around more.

gamerchick · 08/03/2024 11:52

As has been said early on. He's not going to meet your needs OP. You have a choice to make. His kids won't be young forever so you can wait it out being on the back burner or you can end it and look for someone who can put you first sometimes. This man doesn't doesn't have the emotional resources to put you first. His hands are full.

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 08/03/2024 11:52

You should take last place in all of it and yes, his kids should always come first. He's a dad first and a partner second. To his kids you probably are in the way. Noone really likes their other parents partners.

Silvers11 · 08/03/2024 11:54

He had an awful marriage so did I , we met and it was amazing, since all his court stuff with his ex wife , he wanted the children full time . Only to get 1 full time . The wife is dating his mate . But he wasn’t great him self . There’s been a lot of stuff going on. He got custody of 1 and the others 50% since then it’s been so hard and less time as his work has been so busy . I got my kids to go to my soon to be ex husband 2 weekends a month to match his time . Which didn’t happen before . Now it’s been 2 years he’s now being difficult, cutting our weekends down . His mum has a lot of control . But is it unreasonable to have our time when I dont have my boys and now I’m the bad one for wanting our time without his child ? She is very needy and won’t leave his side . Which I find weird she makes me feel I’m in the way . But he doesn’t see it . I think he’s over doing it because of his last relationship with her mum . Fml it’s so hard with 5 kids . I always thought it wouldn’t change when we first met . How wrong I am I ? It’s causing problems, shall I just not say anything or continue to express my feelings?

@MerryMember I'm not clear from your post, about a couple of things:

  1. WHO is cutting down your weekends? Your new boyfriend or your EX?
  2. WHOSE Mother has a lot of control? Your Ex? Or the Boyfriend's?
  3. Are you living together or do you have your own houses?
pinkyredrose · 08/03/2024 11:54

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 08/03/2024 11:52

You should take last place in all of it and yes, his kids should always come first. He's a dad first and a partner second. To his kids you probably are in the way. Noone really likes their other parents partners.

Putting children first doesn't meant them sticking to you like glue. 14 is old enough to start to learn independence.

housethatbuiltme · 08/03/2024 11:54

BlueSkyBlueLife · 08/03/2024 10:47

I have to lol at the idea that any relationship under 7 years isn’t serious…..

Wondering how anyone would manage to have children if that ‘rule’ was actually applied (seeing that really you shouldn’t plan to have children unless you are serious etc….)

I said most relationships dont LAST 7 years. Its a statistical fact not just about romantic relationships either it also applies to friendships.

No one said you can't have kids under 7 years, the two things are in no way linked (you can even have kids without a partner at all)... you may end up split though like OP and her partner both have been.

TigerMum8 · 08/03/2024 11:56

Yes, all day. Wouldn't dream of putting some new squeeze above the kids.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 08/03/2024 11:57

This sounds petulant. Would you like your ex to have a GF that demands he puts your kids last, after his GF?

SallyWD · 08/03/2024 11:58

wineandcheeseplease · 08/03/2024 05:57

I'd be worried if he didn't choose his kids over a new relationship

Me too. I wouldn't want to be with a man who put me (as a new girlfriend) before his children.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 08/03/2024 12:00

OP - I don’t think it’s wrong of you to want some time with him just together.

I would imagine that there is some trauma from the break up with his daughter because she is clearly very dependent on her Dad - at 14 you would expect her to be out with friends/more independent maybe.

HOWEVER - he’s is completely in the right to be supporting her and if he wants her 💯 of the time then thats his choice.

I personally think that you are not going to get what you want from this relationship so I would probably end it.

Also there is absolutely nothing wrong with your boys going to their dads EOW - there is an odd thing on mumsnets where everyone seems to think you are a monster if you are not attached to your kids 24/7!

It’s ok to want to have a life of your own.

RuthW · 08/03/2024 12:01

Absolutely ok and his kids should always come first

Obeast · 08/03/2024 12:05

How embarrassing, admitting you want a man to pick his latest woman over his kids.

Why not divorce and date a bloke who doesn't have a kid?

MushMonster · 08/03/2024 12:06

Well, of course he is right to put his kids first. You should do the same and not sacrifice an ounce of time with them for your partner.
Arranging time to be alone is good, but many families just cannot manage it.
The children will grow up and make their own life. So better make the best of time now and see them fly soon. Then you will have plenty of alone time.

LiveLaughCryalot · 08/03/2024 12:12

You should take last place in all of it and yes, his kids should always come first.

I feel very sorry for your other half if you feel this way. What a daft thing to say.
No OP, you are perfectly reasonable expecting him to prioritise you occasionally. It's what adults in HEALTHY relationships do. However, it's been 2 years, he isn't going to start now. What you need to look at is why you are continuing to stay in a relationship where you are at the bottom of the pile. I wouldn't settle for that so why do you?
He hasn't lied, he is showing you exactly how it is, you are choosing to put up with it.

LiveLaughCryalot · 08/03/2024 12:15

You should take last place in all of it and yes, his kids should always come first.

Also it's statements like this that make me understand why so many relationships break down. It's odd that so many people have said this. Do you all always put your kids first? I don't. Sometimes, shock horror, I even put myself first.

KomodoOhno · 08/03/2024 12:16

Obeast · 08/03/2024 12:05

How embarrassing, admitting you want a man to pick his latest woman over his kids.

Why not divorce and date a bloke who doesn't have a kid?

It's shocking that as a parent herself OP can ask if it's OK wanting a partner to put a relationship first over children. I hope she gets some help/therapy for her and her children's sake.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 08/03/2024 12:18

My lovely DH made it clear from the off that he and his DD were a package deal I had no DC and knew nothing about them but I saw a man being a devoted dad as a big plus.

I was right. He was just as devoted to our kids. He died prematurely but his DD and I are still very close, as are she and my sons. This happy family setup has its roots in DH's insistence that my DSD always be included.

LiveLaughCryalot · 08/03/2024 12:19

You should do the same and not sacrifice an ounce of time with them for your partner.

I'm sacrificing tons of time with my children to go out tonight. I missed the memo that you aren't supposed to leave them for one ounce of time.

KomodoOhno · 08/03/2024 12:22

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 08/03/2024 12:18

My lovely DH made it clear from the off that he and his DD were a package deal I had no DC and knew nothing about them but I saw a man being a devoted dad as a big plus.

I was right. He was just as devoted to our kids. He died prematurely but his DD and I are still very close, as are she and my sons. This happy family setup has its roots in DH's insistence that my DSD always be included.

That is absolutely beautiful. You were all so blessed to be a family and I am sorry for your loss

MamaMode · 08/03/2024 12:35

gamerchick · 08/03/2024 11:52

As has been said early on. He's not going to meet your needs OP. You have a choice to make. His kids won't be young forever so you can wait it out being on the back burner or you can end it and look for someone who can put you first sometimes. This man doesn't doesn't have the emotional resources to put you first. His hands are full.

Let's just hope OP doesn't later meet a man who starts complaining that he only gets a few days out of a whole month to be alone with her, because the reality is that out of a whole month, she has 24 to 26 days where her kids are going to be around (should they not be at school).

TeaGinandFags · 08/03/2024 12:52

MerryMember · 08/03/2024 06:06

I agree but it seems to me, he got me hooked and then dropped a bomb and I always have to adapt but he wouldn’t for me

Show quote history

That's your answer.

Also, if you're doing more and more to facilitate his parenting, make a conscious effort to take that time for your parenting. If that becomes increasingly difficult then he's with you for the childcare. Then get out. When his kids are grown he'll be off.

If he dropped the bomb once you were hooked, RUN! It's not you that's his priority. Become unavailable, don't babysit/parent his kids and he'll leave on his own accord.

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