Is it ok for the man to choose his kids over our new relationship

[MerryMember]

He had an awful marriage so did I , we met and it was amazing, since all his court stuff with his ex wife , he wanted the children full time . Only to get 1 full time . The wife is dating his mate . But he wasn’t great him self . There’s been a lot of stuff going on. He got custody of 1 and the others 50% since then it’s been so hard and less time as his work has been so busy . I got my kids to go to my soon to be ex husband 2 weekends a month to match his time . Which didn’t happen before . Now it’s been 2 years he’s now being difficult, cutting our weekends down . His mum has a lot of control . But is it unreasonable to have our time when I dont have my boys and now I’m the bad one for wanting our time without his child ? She is very needy and won’t leave his side . Which I find weird she makes me feel I’m in the way . But he doesn’t see it . I think he’s over doing it because of his last relationship with her mum . Fml it’s so hard with 5 kids . I always thought it wouldn’t change when we first met . How wrong I am I ? It’s causing problems, shall I just not say anything or continue to express my feelings?

Not too unusual. My DS' friend decided he wanted to live with his DD full time when he was about 12 and his siblings are still 50/50. He had his own valid reasons.

I dont know any couples with kids that are going off on date nights fortnightly... where do you think parents are putting their children during that time?

I've been a mum for just about 12 weeks now. Already my baby trumps anything and anyone. You are the issue here.

I have thought there is some people who would not be interested in another if they didn't have kids, not because they love kids

But because the same as ex partners 'they are spending time with me I win the tug of war'

This is one example

If his daughter wasn't there and one of your children decided they didn't want to go to their Dad's any more, how would you feel if your partner started getting cross because your child was there all weekend and you didn't have time alone.

It's probably a temporary thing with the 14 year old. It sounds like her life has been pretty shit so far and she doesn't want to go to her Mum's as much as she did which has changed the dynamic in your relationship.
You are not selfish or wrong to feel unsettled about what's happening but her Dad is quite rightly prioritising her current needs over his own right now and you just have to decide if you as a couple can work your way round the current situation with the least disruption.
If you think it might not be a temporary state of affairs and that his daughter is likely to continue her 'needy' behaviour into adulthood, you have to decide whether that's something you can live with or whether to walk away.

You’re being entirely unreasonable and immature.

The kids come first.

You expect him to be ok that your kids are with you except for 4 days a month, but his kids shouldn't be with him.Your double standards are comical!

He will always put his kids first and rightly so. If this doesn't suit you, it's time to walk away.

It's one of those annoying social media type phrases "making memories" "my little family" "my love language" (the worst in my opinion)

I have to lol at the idea that any relationship under 7 years isn’t serious…..

Wondering how anyone would manage to have children if that ‘rule’ was actually applied (seeing that really you shouldn’t plan to have children unless you are serious etc….)

I dont think that where the OP is coming from.

Her dcs are with their dad EOW.
She was expecting the dd to be with her mum EOW. Which tbh is what happens in most cases? Unless the father (usually) is completely useless.

I dint think that’s a crazy expectation.

it seems to me, he got me hooked and then dropped a bomb and I always have to adapt but he wouldn’t for me

Is your boyfriend using his kids to avoid intimacy with you?
OP you're a childminder. a 14 year old girl is clingy with her dad and doesn't want to live with her mum who has a new boyfriend. Instead of showing any concern for her you complain she is in the way.

There's so much wrong here. Take a step back and reassess the whole situation.

I think YANBU for wanting 2 weekends per month childfree with your partner, to fit around your children's schedule AND he's NBU for saying that doesn't work for him. It's clearly not what he is able (or wants) to do in terms of his life right now. So, your wants/needs in the relationship just aren't compatible. I'd end the relationship on that basis I'm afraid.

Or suck up the situation for now with the hope that things will change in a few years. My worry would be, if you suck it up, that it turns out he never really wants to prioritise you and once his DC have left there's another reason not to spend quality time together.

You “got your two to go to their dads 2 weekends a month” purely in order to match your partners weekends.

Your priorities are all wrong on various levels. Poor kids.

You also accept than when you're dating someone with kids, that things can change at any time. If something changes in a way that can't be helped (we don't know why DD doesn't want to spend time at DMs) then you either roll with it or you leave. You don't demand someone doesn't prioritise their kid, if you can't handle it, and it's making you that miserable, what's the point in staying just to complain.

Yes - all the time. I don't have kids, but if I did have a relationship with someone who did, I would expect to be number 2 at the very most in terms of his priority.

His kids will always be kids, whereas he might have another girlfriend or partner in 5 years. Same goes for the mother of his children - they may not be romantically involved anymore, he may even dislike her, but she will always be the mother to his children.

You are both separated or divorced parents with 5 children between you. You have more childfree time due to your custody arrangements.
Your boyfriend meanwhile has his daughter 100% of the time and his other children 50%.
His daughter is 14. She has gone through her parents brake up. At 14 she is probably hormonal and school can be hard between accedemic work and friendship groups.
She may want to stay with her father for a number of reasons and perhaps staying with him helps her feel better. Also his house could be quieter for doing study and she may want to go to university in the next few years.
The truth is that he is right to put her 1st for now. He wants her to be happy and to do as well as possible in school exams. The truth is that these years can make or break a child.

I currently know a child older than her who is going through serious mental health problems. The school tried to contact her parents about 2 years ago about their concerns. The parents were very much well everything is fine and would not answer the school's calls then.
Now they have been put into a difficult situation that they have to step up to deal with it.
If their child got the helped they needed 2 years ago life would be far easier on everyone now.

I know another family where the mother had her oldest child a girl look after younger siblings most days after school. Her daughter failed a lot school exams and barely passed her final school exams. This girl had very little career or job options due to this. She ended up in a minimum wage job with no job progression. Then she got involved with a man who already had a few children that other girls of her age would have avoided because they would have more self confidence than her.

The reality is that if you get involved with someone who already has kids you have to expect that his kids will come 1st. If they don't your with a deadbeat dad. The truth is that kids only get one childhood and the teen years can be hard. Kids need help, support and encouragement to become the best version of themselves possible and long term become decent adults.

At 14 she needs to be put 1st for her own long term future. Rather than complaining work with him and see if you can encourage her more. Build up a friendship with her. She if he could get her to stay say a Saturday night a month with her mother but don't push this if she does not want this.
In time she could be leaving home to go to university and before then she may be going out more with friends.
Don't expect him to put you ahead of her because he won't or should not do this.

You as a mother yourself should be able to be less selfish in regards to your DPs child. She has been separated from the sibling she used to live with fulltime, and also separated from her own mother, so the only person she has to rely on at times is her father. Her life has been clearly destabilised, yet your only concern is your own needs. Your boys still have each other and you. Her temperament is likely to be different from that of your boys, because they are all individuals with different needs….and have experienced different upbringings, parenting styles and traumas, and are all at different points in their lives.

I feel very sorry for your children if you think a relationship comes first. Of course this man puts his kids first. Any good parent does

Well there you go then!!! Don’t date people with kids if you don’t like it!! KIDS ALWAYS COME FIRST! Get a life op, you are very selfish and entitled! If I was him I would happily dump you for my kids based on your selfish attitude!

Never date / have a relationship with a man that has children, if you cannot accept / cope / realise that the children were in his life before you / will be in his life after you / and ought to be in his life forever

and if the children are in his life 100% of the time, so be it - they are his children

She's 14, she's going to want freedom soon. They'll hopefully be sleepovers, maybe school trips and maybe uni in 4 years. Is he worth waiting for?

Exactly this 👆🏽
It's not like her partner is cheating or being dishonest or abusive or anything, he is literally trying to parent his child. I reckon that because her DC's dad does not pull his weight or prioritise them, she cannot appreciate her DP prioritising his own child/ren.

Kids first. I honestly cannot believe that you’re even asking this. No partner is more important than a child.

I would say you’re in the wrong and thinking of you you you. He actually sounds decent and well done to him for putting his kids way above the new girlfriend. I actually think he could do much better than you. Moaning about his child who’s been through trauma, you ought to be ashamed and if he read this I’m sure he’d end it with you.