Is it ok for the man to choose his kids over our new relationship

[MerryMember]

He had an awful marriage so did I , we met and it was amazing, since all his court stuff with his ex wife , he wanted the children full time . Only to get 1 full time . The wife is dating his mate . But he wasn’t great him self . There’s been a lot of stuff going on. He got custody of 1 and the others 50% since then it’s been so hard and less time as his work has been so busy . I got my kids to go to my soon to be ex husband 2 weekends a month to match his time . Which didn’t happen before . Now it’s been 2 years he’s now being difficult, cutting our weekends down . His mum has a lot of control . But is it unreasonable to have our time when I dont have my boys and now I’m the bad one for wanting our time without his child ? She is very needy and won’t leave his side . Which I find weird she makes me feel I’m in the way . But he doesn’t see it . I think he’s over doing it because of his last relationship with her mum . Fml it’s so hard with 5 kids . I always thought it wouldn’t change when we first met . How wrong I am I ? It’s causing problems, shall I just not say anything or continue to express my feelings?

You can't ask him to have his kids any less. If someone I was dating asked me to have my daughter (who I have full time) less so we could date I'd tell them where to go

Either like it or lump it.

He is free to change his arrangements with childcare, including stepping up to do more if he feels it’s the right thing to do. He has legal parental responsibility for his children. Ex wives do not exist to take the burden of childcare so that their ex husbands can go off into the sunset with their new girlfriends.

14

His kids are his priority the same as if you had kids together . Yes you might wangle the odd date night but he also has to take into acc what his children have been through. It's likely they need more support. You have to accept second place or end the relationship. He isnt doing anything wrong but equally it's fine if it's not right for you

If his daughter is "attached" to her parent to that degree it will end up unhealthy like you said HIS mom has a lot of control so another unhealthy attachment what he should be doing is getting therapy help and support for himself and the children either way this foes not sound like the relationship for you detach and move on

So why do you expect another parent to prioritise you over their children, if you don’t do it for your own?

👌

So you shunt your children around to prioritise your new squeeze. 😱

c'mon OP you must know you're really not coming out of this well.

when you have children you put them first. Take this man's lead, he is doing right by his children.

as for wanting to "make memories" jeez

People ask why single mums are less desirable to men, and if their prospects of finding someone else will ever improve, even if they're amazing women...

The kids will/should ALWAYS come first, and in a new relationship, that's often a major deal-breaker.

Oh I do . I’m with my boys all the time apart from they go to their dads , I wouldn’t judge if I was you

Don't give yourself a medal for being with your children all the time, so you should!

anyway that's my lot, this thread is giving me the rage.

I shouldn’t judge you for encouraging a parent to push his children away? Yeah, anyone should always be judged for that, its awful.

It’s important for the parents of children who are still together to carve out time for themselves to maintain their relationship. A huge part of this is in the children’s interest. In this situation, children don’t ‘always’ come first.

New relationships, however, are not the same. These are not young children who will be solely living with both of you full time in which a strong family unit is important. Whether your relationship with these girls’ father works out has no bearing on them. In this case, they come first. Every time.

If you had plans with your boyfriend and then your own boys couldn't go to their dad's for the weekend for some reason what would you do?

It's not going to work. He's not going to put you before his children and that's what you seem to want and value. It's never going to happen so you need to break up with him and move on.

But that can always change when you get together with a person with kids. I have 3 step kids and I'd rather not ever live with them full time but I accept if their mum died or had a crisis or went into hospital for a prolonged period or just had enough they would come here to us full time. That's the deal when your partner has kids.

As she is with you full-time I am not sure what you want him to do? Occasional date night isn't out of the question as she is 14.

The child with him 100% is 14, in the middle of puberty, school work getting harder and more focused, living without her siblings....and you think she should be OK and not so needy after two years?

This has all happened at a crucial time in her life. Her Dad is the only rock she can cling to and he is rightly putting her first. I hope he carries on doing that.

But is it unreasonable to have our time when I dont have my boys and now I’m the bad one for wanting our time without his child ?

Twice you've said about how you want time when you don't have your boys.

So you are prioritising them being with their dad, happy and safe. Once they are where they are having a nice time being loved by their dad - that's when you want to focus on your one to one time with your boyfriend.

Exactly. But but what did you expect.

You could not have the stress and extra kids.

If you aren’t happy the right thing to do is walk away. Not expect him to turf his kids out when it suits you.

I would be worries If he didn’t choose his kids. Kids should be his priority. And yours.

It’s been 2 years and I have put up with a lot . Just want a relationship . Not like my husband was

Then you need to find that person, it's not this man. Yes, he's right to put his child/ren first - all the time. If you're not getting what you want and need from the relationship then find someone else.

Honestly OP most people aren't cut out for a relationship with stepchildren. There's no shame in admitting that this isn't for you.