Is it ok for the man to choose his kids over our new relationship

[MerryMember]

He had an awful marriage so did I , we met and it was amazing, since all his court stuff with his ex wife , he wanted the children full time . Only to get 1 full time . The wife is dating his mate . But he wasn’t great him self . There’s been a lot of stuff going on. He got custody of 1 and the others 50% since then it’s been so hard and less time as his work has been so busy . I got my kids to go to my soon to be ex husband 2 weekends a month to match his time . Which didn’t happen before . Now it’s been 2 years he’s now being difficult, cutting our weekends down . His mum has a lot of control . But is it unreasonable to have our time when I dont have my boys and now I’m the bad one for wanting our time without his child ? She is very needy and won’t leave his side . Which I find weird she makes me feel I’m in the way . But he doesn’t see it . I think he’s over doing it because of his last relationship with her mum . Fml it’s so hard with 5 kids . I always thought it wouldn’t change when we first met . How wrong I am I ? It’s causing problems, shall I just not say anything or continue to express my feelings?

Kids should always come first.

When I met my partner, who has an 11 year old. Things were difficult because he was juggling having his child 50% of the time and working 12 hour shifts.

I was happy to wait till he had some child free time (even if it was just an hour) because kids come first. As our relationship progressed, he slowly introduced me to his child.... at a rate that was comfortable for us all.

When we moved in together, his child (9 at the time) decided he wanted to live with us full time. literally, the day we moved in together, we got a phone call from DC school asking us to go in and discuss living arrangements.

He no longer lives with us at DC mums choice. She only allowed a 6 week trial. But my point is kids should always come first. We now have a child of our own, too, n work well as a little blended family.

I'm happy I chose someone who is such a good dad and willing to put his kids first at all times. I see my partners eldest as my own and love him to pieces.

If you can't accept that your partner is willing to put his kids first, then it won't work in the long run.

I have put up with a lot . Just want a relationship
This is your issue.

What a stupid question

Gosh it's no wonder his daughter is so clingy. You are aware children pick up on emotions? Even if you think you're hiding them well. If she feels as unwanted as you appear to make out she is by you, she's going to cling to dad. How about embracing her, at 14 it's hardly like having a toddler around. There's loads of things you can do and memories you make with her in tow. Build her confidence and you may find she gives you that much desired time alone.

@MerryMember I feel like it doesn't matter what you say here you're gunna get hated on. I for one, don't believe you're trying to push a void between him n his children. I sympathise a lot has changed in the last two years that you've been together. To get the best of both worlds, do things with all the kids when you've got them and you have "YOUR" weekends (pals, shopping, walks etc) when you don't. Plan stuff in for every couple/few months etc where the two of you's go away for a couple of nights. If he's not willing or it's not possible to give you himself for a weekend every two to three months you might have to reevaluate if this is what you want?

I'm with you OP it's healthy and vital to have a kid free day/ evening every now and then x whether his kids or yours. He has them every so many weekends but surely he could get a babysitter for one night even just a few hours even evey 4-6 weeks. I couldn't stand it tbf

This. A blended family would drive me mad

Of course anyone puts their kids first. What a horrid attitude to think otherwise.

So when you met him he didn't have his kids but you say there was "court stuff" ... so presumably you knew he was fighting for his children? And now his hormonal, going into GCSEs, been through divorce, been through parents in court, 14yo daughter is clingy? What do you expect? What did you think would happen, genuinely? Or were you hoping he would lose?

But if you couldn't stand it DON'T GET WITH A MAN WHO HAS KIDS!!!! honestly ffs 🙄🙄🤔😵‍💫

He's doing the right thing, sounds like a great parent. What did you imagine life would be like with him and a total of 5 children? Personally I would have stayed away. It's not too late, you can still break up.

@Shiningout exactly. I don't.

Please leave him, for the sake of his kids.

They should come first all the time.

I think there is a consensus of opinion on here. Kids come first. However you don’t seem to be hearing it. Maybe read the comments again and think about them.

You’re 100% in the wrong I’m afraid. Kids always come first. I’m dealing with an ex who always wants to chop and change things for various reasons despite wanting to have our child as much as possible but yours isn’t doing that and is actually prioritising his children, as he should be. You knew he had kids when you got with him. THIS is what I worry about with my ex getting a new partner, someone being like this. The kids ALWAYS come first

So let me get this right.
She's 14 so at a vulnerable age. Her parents have split up , her dad's then formed a new relationship with someone else. She's then left the home she knew and her siblings behind to move in with you and him and your kids . She has attachment issues and you're moaning you want to make memories.

She's a child fgs. Who's been through a tough time has had to make loads of adjustments and can probably pick up on the bad vibes you are giving off.

Here's an idea. Have a date night curry cinema etc for a few hrs in the week and make memories all of you together at weekends. You are an adult and she needs her dad. You want him. Big difference.

So does the 14 year old stay alone with dad? and not go to mums to stay with her and siblings?

Then date a man without kids!! You are incredibly selfish. Any GOOD parent should always put their children first. His DD is in her formulative years and needs a parent's love and guidance through an already tough time. Her parents have separated and she is vulnerable. You need to do his kids a favour and walk away

Me too.

Where's the Mum? The dad should be encouraging her to spend time with her (unless she's abusive). My ex has just done the exact same to me, convinced my youngest he's the most wonderful Disney dad and never left her side, partly to have control over and to hurt me. She went backwards massively in relation to her independence, resilience, mood. I barely saw her and had to battle to get her back. So she should have time with her Mum, regardless of what you're doing. If she can't see her mum then I'm afraid you need to suck it up although I'd be leaving her to her own devices for a bit at 14 to gain independent living skills. I do see your point a bit at her age, different if she was under 13 and needed constant supervision. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I also see your desire for a bit of your own happiness after a long abusive marriage. I relate. I have resigned myself to the fact now I'm on my own for another year or two until my youngest has a better balance and he hopefully sobers up and becomes a normal dad. We can dream.

OP, your dp and his dd come as a package. For all intents and purposes, you are dating them both. She's your family now. If you can't include her and 'make memories' with her too, then you need to end the relationship.

Well of course she makes you feel in the way - you are. Back off.

Perfectly put. Poor girl.

His DD is the priority. You have to accept what is available once the child's needs are met. That's the deal when you have kids, they have to come first IMO.