Is it ok for the man to choose his kids over our new relationship

[MerryMember]

He had an awful marriage so did I , we met and it was amazing, since all his court stuff with his ex wife , he wanted the children full time . Only to get 1 full time . The wife is dating his mate . But he wasn’t great him self . There’s been a lot of stuff going on. He got custody of 1 and the others 50% since then it’s been so hard and less time as his work has been so busy . I got my kids to go to my soon to be ex husband 2 weekends a month to match his time . Which didn’t happen before . Now it’s been 2 years he’s now being difficult, cutting our weekends down . His mum has a lot of control . But is it unreasonable to have our time when I dont have my boys and now I’m the bad one for wanting our time without his child ? She is very needy and won’t leave his side . Which I find weird she makes me feel I’m in the way . But he doesn’t see it . I think he’s over doing it because of his last relationship with her mum . Fml it’s so hard with 5 kids . I always thought it wouldn’t change when we first met . How wrong I am I ? It’s causing problems, shall I just not say anything or continue to express my feelings?

Kids come first yes but your relationship should also be important and time should be made for that both as a “family” and just the two of you. Interestingly when I met my partner he said the relationship should come first because without a solid relationship there is no family. Couple years in and this is not at all how it is. I do however believe our relationship needs should come before his kids wants. I.E we don’t have money to get through the month but he wants to spend £100 + on a day out for them. No, put our need to get through the month and not be in debt ahead of their wants to be spoilt. It’s all about balance.

Absolutely. I couldn't and wouldn't do it.

You have choices. But asking him to have his children less is not one of them.

You want to "make memories" with him? Is that what they call it nowadays?

100% this.

OP, let him go so he can focus on his daughter without you squawking about wanting date night or attention.

I thought she meant making babies, tbh.

Me and DH don’t expect much time without DC. We book a babysitter for a rare night out. Had an hour in a bar last night as a rare treat. After Dc go to bed we chat etc isn’t that normal?

@MerryMember can't believe you're even asking the question in all seriousness

OP I found your post hard to understand. Are you saying you’d like your partner to send his daughter away to her mum’s EOW to match the contact time your boys have? Or are you just saying you want to go out for the odd day out or date night without children tagging along but he refuses?

The daughter's 14. She's heading for the age where she'll soon be independent, probably preferring to spend her time with friends out of the house. In 4 years she'll be an adult, possibly at uni. If you genuinely love your partner you can hang on a bit longer, and maybe in the meantime be a bit more supportive of the girl?

Yes, it's OK.
Extremely unusual, but fine.

Is the 14yo seeing her mum EOW or more or less?

If she is seeing her mum EOW, I’d expect him to make a big effort those weekends to see you.

If she isn’t, then it’s much more awkward as it’s likely that his dd won’t be keen on you being there - many reasons there.

One potential issue here is that, actually, he hasn’t settled down yet on being a full time parent and having the other 4 dcs 50/50. I wouldnt be surprised if he is finding harder than he thought. So he is looking forward to some down time, on his own, with no pressure, incl no pressure to meet up with you and ‘making memories’.
I think you need a discussion on where you are going, moving forward. I suspect he simply isn’t as ready to ‘date’/be in a relationship as he thought he was when you met. His home circumstances have changed when yours havent as such. This will have an impact y on how much you see each other etc…

I feel your pain, but he is being a very good father. She’s 14, so realistically this will probably be a completely different scenario in 2/3 years time.

‘She makes me feel I’m in the way.’

Why don’t try to slowly without being pushy build up a little bit of a relationship with her?

Arrange a nice trip with all three of you. Buy her a nice top or an outfit or something you know she would like.

You’ll need a lot of patience and thought with this, but I think you could slowly improve the situation when you are with them both. Just don’t push anything or have high expectations.

I absolutely hate this ‘oh OP, let him go’ as if it was the OP role to take a decision for her DP and his dd sake. Even if it’s not beneficial to her.
Its not.

If carrying on the relationship isn’t good for the dd, it’s up to her father to make the decision to split up. Not the OP.

Where the OP’s responsibility lies is in knowing what she expects from her relationship and hold that boundary.
And walk away if her boundary is to see him EOW and let’s say move towards living together and he doesn’t want that.

BOTH of them should be adult enough to have a discussion about what they are hoping for and what their expectations are.

OP is the one here whining though. So the onus is her to act instead of whine.

If 'DP' had posted, I'd say the same thing.

And btw wanting to see your partner twice a month is NOT ‘squawking about wanting attention’.

It’s a pretty normal wish for most couples.
Whether he can offer that is a different issue.

Which is why I said they need to have an adult conversation about their expectations (post above).

It doesn’t change the fact she is NOT responsible for looking out for the dd. Separate issue from what the OP is talking about (talking, not whining btw)

Why is she with him 100% of the time - what changed. 50/50 with the other two sounds sensible and normal for her to be there all the time there needs to be a reason

Where exactly are you expecting the 14yo to go while you "make memories" with her father? He has her 100% of the time so what's she supposed to do? Sit in the garden until you're satisfied you've had enough of the limelight?

I agree with pp about the man should put his kids first.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, is it how you're phrasing it? I wonder if you could ask for a date night 1-2 times a month? Maybe a weekend away just the two of you once every 6 months or so?

Obviously, this depends on the age of the children, having suitable childcare, etc. But it is something I have seen other parents do so they can spend quality time alone to focus on their relationship.

The Mum could go under a bus tomorrow. When you get into a relationship with a man with children, you have to be prepared to take on the children too. If anything ever happened to the ex, that could potentially be 100% of the time. If you aren’t prepared to do that, walk away. It really is that simple. Nobody expects you to love it, we all want a break from the kids sometimes but not everyone is lucky enough to get one. You suck it up, or you leave.

Why isn’t she seeing her mum at all? That does sound worrying, especially if the other siblings are there 50/50.

Agree with other posters that you can't ask him to have her less.

It's frustrating for you that the situation has changed but it was probably a bit naive to not consider that a man with children may end up with them more or full time, but you live and learn.

It's not unreasonable to ask for date nights - a couple hours once a fortnight. Nobody would tell a married couple with children this is unreasonable. As she lives with him full time, it's not eating into his time with her like it would if he only had her some of the time. If she isn't responsible enough or comfortable on her own then he can sort a babysitter.

lolz ! getting in a relationship when you both have kids already is insane tbh! just find someone else with no kids! theres millions of single men

What a bizarre question when you have kids yourself. Sounds like you need to find yourself a deadbeat dad kinda fella, not a fully involved dad.

That's his child you are just a girl friend (only two years in too so pretty temporary, statistic say most relationships break up before the 7 year point but those that reach 7 years are likely to be long lasting or permanent).

Also you have your kids part time he has his kid full time... where do you expect the kid to go? He can't shove her up his arse just because your needy and feel you should have special attention.

I have 3 kids with my DH, a moment without the kids is bloody RARE. Its like that for most people with kids. The fact you send your kid off a few weekends for your own free time is not representative of full time parents like your partner.