Are there any men looking for commitment?

[Oldsucks]

I’ve been online dating for a long time. And all I keep coming across are men wanting casual or not sure. I’m dating mostly men in their late 30s and 40s. I’m 38.

I’ve been on a few dates with a 39 year old man, who is about to turn 40, and he just announced he’s actually not sure he has time for a relationship.

I’ve heard this so many times. And years on, the same men keep appearing on the dating apps.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

and what about these men - do they stay single forever?? Don’t they ever get lonely and actually want a girlfriend?

And yet then a few months later they are in a rship and settled down . I seem to always be the stepping stone to them settling with someone else even though they didn't know what they wanted with me lol

I think that’s just a way of saying that they don’t think you’re quite right for them. In my experience men who do online dating are either very casual about it and it takes a really special connection to change that (that’s how i met my DH). Otherwise they have their light on and are desperate to make the next person they meet their partner, these are far worse as they’re not interested in you at all, they’ve just decided it’s time to settle down.

That’s the thing though - these men aren’t settling down with the next woman. They’ve been on the dating apps for years and years!

The vast majority of men have ‘not sure’ or ‘looking for casual.’ They are definitely not looking for a relationship!

Yeah thats what I found when I did a bit of online dating. The same men on there for years - if they were "looking for a relationship" then why the fuck were they always on the dating websites?

I gave up on online dating and starting hunting for men in the wild instead. I found a nice man and we had a great 5 year relationship but that too failed in the end.

So yes, it is a problem. I’ve changed the way I date and I don’t sleep with a guy for months. Once burned twice shy.

Ive been dating a guy since October. Highly educated at Ivy League institutions and top schools in Europe. Business owner of successful global technology firm. He attended a conference in Vegas and told me a coach in the gym hit on him and he ‘wore her out’.

If he had any respect for himself he wouldn’t share anything like that with me. Good god, it’s obvious he paid. It’s Vegas and she is a personal coach in the hotel gym. She approached you and you are so good looking. And you are telling me this why?!? I want to bleach my eyes and my mind because this is dysfunctional bullshit. I thought he might be giving me a reason to break up with him, but really I think it’s become normal to him.

Goes without saying, I’m horrified and backing away quickly. He told me he wore her out and I replied, well you clearly didn’t impress her if she hasn’t been back for seconds. No further engagement with him, no reply. You surround yourself with people who treat you, others and themselves with respect. I don’t have time or space for such toxic behavior. If he thought it would make me jealous, absolutely not. It turned my stomach and I think he is worse than the personal coach who, if she wasn’t charging, missed an opportunity.

So far my method of getting to know him first, doing activities together like running, hiking, cycling and paddle sports and not sleeping with the guy until I’ve really gotten to know them has worked really well. Time has a way of exposing people like this. I had suspicions after 3 months. Two months later holy shit mother of Mary. I’m backing up from that one carefully and running for the hills. He clearly has no respect for me.

When someone shows you who they are listen. Don’t wait for them to tell you a second time.

These men have a supply of women because there is another idiot born every minute. It’s not empowering to go shag a guy. What is empowering is to hold a man in the palm of your hand, let him see, smell and feel your presence but no touching until you commit. No commitment or respect, I’m gone immediately.

Good for you Aintnosupermum I also take my time and don’t sleep with men in a hurry

I’ve learnt from bitter experience that they can date you for months without putting a foot wrong but eventually they reveal themselves

In my experience too they always come back begging for forgiveness

I don’t think you are going to find anyone relationship oriented on OLD at this age. Those really looking for family/commitment are likely to have their filters set to under 35 year olds so you - like me- are left with divorcees and those after casual fun. I have no advice other than to try in the real world - my 40s friends found relationships with people through work or hobbies, not a single one through OLD.

@Oldsucks completely agree with you and that has been my experience. Someone else said on here that the decent relationship oriented men get snapped up quickly in real life when they become single and therefore either don´t do OLD or are only on there for a very short time.

I am starting to think the only men who are serious about wanting a relationship are the ones who want a woman to have their children, the rest just don´t seem to be bothered (then that relationship seems to inevitably go pear shaped, and then they have kids and have no time for a relationship anyway!). I don´t necessarily want to live with a man or get married, but I would much rather have an ongoing relationship than keep going through the same boring cycle on OLD. Men don´t seem to feel the same way.

I think we either have to resign ourselves to being single, become lesbians, or try harder to expand our social circles and meet men in real life!

occhiazzurri work isn’t possible
what kind of hobbies?

I see while I was replying several other ladies replied and said the same thing, hee hee...great minds think alike! 😁

I found this podcast episode a bit encouraging with regards to finding love at any age, in case it helps anyone else :-)

https://deeperdatingpodcast.com/dr-helen-fisher/

Choir and running club. I am also now looking into local cycling clubs and hiking groups.

I briefly ventured on OLD last summer and then again two weeks ago and the same people are still looking for “relationships” nearly a year later. Some people I met or I dated briefly four years ago are still on with their old photos from 4 years ago!

@Oldsucks

oh he will be back, I’m very sure. I have 3 wonderful children. I do not have an intention of exposing myself to such a man who treats me with such disrespect. How dare you tell me a girl in Vegas who is a coach in the gym, who approached you, is someone you slept with. Sure you didn’t pay.

Also, I’m a junior level executive in a publicly traded firm. You just do not mix with people who display such reckless behavior. Even if she wasn’t a prostitute, a coach who approaches you sexually in the gym is a petri-dish of STDs.

Finally, I didn’t meet him OLD. I met him through an alumni event for the Ivy League school we are both part of. If this is what is found in person at an Ivy League alumni event, I shudder at the thought of OLD. He deserves to be ghosted.

Story of my life mate!

I don't think it's just men. It probably describes me and I'm a woman. It's a sign of the times.

If you're around 40 - you've probably done kids already, have a house. So, there's no need to couple up.

For many, what's the point? If you already have friends, have kids, have money, have hobbies, have people you have a connection with that are happy to have sex with, then what added value does a relationship bring?

i don’t match with men who have kids arethereanyleftatall the men I date are my age or few years older but have never been married, no kids. Otherwise sure i understand if you already have been there and done that!

The apps seem to make them this way. They're like kids in a sweet shop and they don't want to settle for just one.

Are you looking for a bloke to have kids with op?

arethereanyleftatall im mostly looking for a life partner
if a baby happens, it happens
but its not my primary motivator

What a disgusting, derogatory thing to say. 🤢 I'm actually shocked.

Needle in hay stack.

You have to be ruthless in binning these clowns quickly!

When a man finds a woman he wants to settle down with he will do it, just the same for women.

I sometimes think asking other women is not as helpful. As much as men annoy me and I don’t want to be mansplained if you asked say your brother, uncle, male friend or partner how easy your women friends would do if they tried dating they would probably be more honest and by that I mean harsh.

The other thing to consider is if you have financial assets you risk losing them if you couple up and marry. Around a quarter of my women friends have more assets/better jobs than their partners but it’s still a man world isn’t it.