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Original poster

Are there any men looking for commitment?

131 replies

Oldsucks · 07/03/2024 18:49

I’ve been online dating for a long time. And all I keep coming across are men wanting casual or not sure. I’m dating mostly men in their late 30s and 40s. I’m 38.

I’ve been on a few dates with a 39 year old man, who is about to turn 40, and he just announced he’s actually not sure he has time for a relationship.

I’ve heard this so many times. And years on, the same men keep appearing on the dating apps.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

and what about these men - do they stay single forever?? Don’t they ever get lonely and actually want a girlfriend?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/03/2024 19:53

Lookingforunicorns · 08/03/2024 15:52

There's going to be an awful lot of old and lonely men.

Can't they just be old and single? Why do you assume they'll be lonely? If they wanted a woman in their lives, they'd be looking for relationships now, wouldn't they?

sittingingold · 08/03/2024 19:54

occhiazzurri · 07/03/2024 21:05

The only other comment I would make is that you may want to consider and try is dating outside your current age range by let’s say 10 years. I know there are a lot of downsides but my friends (when late 30s/early 40s) found partners who were either younger ie early 30s or older (10 + years). They met in real life so there were no search criteria involved and they decided to take the risk and are currently getting married. There is no guarantee that the age difference won’t prove too much at some point but my friends gave up on men their age (one is divorced) and found happiness elsewhere.

I personally have just started work in another very male dominated company and noticed at the recent office drinks that there seem to be at least a few people who look mid 30s or possibly older who aren’t married. They are in the support functions such as IT, accounts, facilities and I suspect many women aren’t interested because they don’t have a glamorous job and perhaps don’t have social skills that would attract women IRL. I know this won’t work for everyone since not all companies are similar.

Edited

So date old guys who don't have any social skills and that no other women who ever want?

Is that really your idea of a solution?
🫣

Original poster
Oldsucks · 08/03/2024 20:00

gannett exactly! I was also not ready for a relationship in my 20s and passed up many great guys. I’m now ready in my 30s, but I haven’t met a single great guy. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 08/03/2024 20:01

sittingingold · 08/03/2024 19:54

So date old guys who don't have any social skills and that no other women who ever want?

Is that really your idea of a solution?
🫣

Show quote history

No, to be fair @occhiazzurri twice referenced also going younger :-)

Xenoi24 · 08/03/2024 20:22

says commitment is for young women. Women 35 + are in his view good for company and sex but that is all, he says he won't fall in love with or commit to them and as he's a man who naturally likes variety then in his view of course he likes to move on to someone new after a while

But if he likes variety and likes to move on .... Why would commitment be for young women?? He'd still like variety and want to move on after a while so what does it matter ... He'd just be breaking up a marriage and possibly family with whatever young woman he committed to (?)

Or is he saying he doesn't like variety nor want to move on with a young woman, but does with older women (??) Seems extremely unlikely. Variety is either a priority for you or it's not.

ochrebla · 08/03/2024 20:23

Doglover19 · 07/03/2024 18:52

And yet then a few months later they are in a rship and settled down . I seem to always be the stepping stone to them settling with someone else even though they didn't know what they wanted with me lol

I'm not suggesting this applies to anyone else, but in my case I realised subsequently I was too eager to please. I know I came across as desperate. I was 22 to 24. The guys who did want to commit were too keen and it turned me off. So they were the male me.

15 years later after improving my self esteem, it was all in my hands

popcornfrenzy · 08/03/2024 20:37

I think I must have struck it lucky. I met my DP online 8 months ago and we're so suited it's bonkers.

We both were looking for a relationship and both had a massive list of things we were looking for. He ticked the majority of my boxes and we're living our best life together.

Don't give up hope OP - I never thought I'd find anyone at the ripe old age of 45! He's 18 months older than me.

Original poster
Oldsucks · 08/03/2024 20:43

Aw so happy for you popcornfrenzy so there is hope x

OP posts:
Lisagreasa · 08/03/2024 20:59

I dated online in my late 20s and unexpectedly again in late 30s (for sad reasons - I actually found someone the first time) in London. I'm a total snack, so no issue there. BUT there were loads more blokes available in late 20s compared to a decade later who appeared to honestly want a relationship. And the same men who would've been ignored a decade ago (with good reason) were getting dates as it was scarce. There were probably some decent men, but a lot of the ones I dated tended to be on there for weird reasons. I'm not convinced they genuinely wanted a relationship, but 10 years had past, their mates had settled down and they were desperately fighting their committementphobe tendencies, hence their foray into online dating. Basically the party had ended.

mydrivingisterrible · 08/03/2024 21:34

Oldsucks · 08/03/2024 19:20

Didimum

If you’re dating and they say there they aren’t sure they are ready/have time for a relationship, it means they don’t want one with YOU.

the men I’m coming across don’t want a relationship. And all the ones I’ve dated haven’t had a relationship in at least 5-20 years.

it’s not because they haven’t found the right woman. It’s because casual dating is what they want.

Don't they get bored of the same conversation over and over?

"Tell me about yourself?" bla bla bla

5-20 years of causal dating, are they that desperate for sex with a new woman?

PaintedEgg · 08/03/2024 22:42

gannett · 08/03/2024 13:40

I thought this was true of everyone. I only wanted a relationship (with DP) once I'd been dating him for a while. When I dated occasionally before him I certainly didn't have anything long-term as the goal. Wanting a relationship in the abstract makes no sense to me - it smacks of "anyone will do". Whereas wanting one with a specific person happens if you genuinely click with someone.

Show quote history

that's one side of it...the other side are people who are not interested in casual dating in a sense that they would automatically dismiss anyone who says they're not looking for anything serious. Which I personally find a bit restrictive and idealistic, but I can see where they are coming from. Time is precious

PaintedEgg · 08/03/2024 22:52

Thinking about it - every 30+ / middle aged man I know, including my own, who is in a committed relationship did not actually look for one when they got there.

Granted, it is a small sample of only those several guys I know, but they all seem to have two things in common:
-They were not looking for a long term thing
-They met their eventual partners / wives in real life

occhiazzurri · 09/03/2024 01:50

@Vegandiva Yes, two friends (mid 30s and 40) met someone younger in real life (work and sport/hobby). Other two friends met someone older (in the first case only a year and in the second +10 years) and are still together and happy 4 years on, one couple is getting married. I don’t know whether they would have found each other if they were looking on OLD and putting specific search criteria such as age, distance etc.

mydrivingisterrible · 09/03/2024 04:24

PaintedEgg · 08/03/2024 22:52

Thinking about it - every 30+ / middle aged man I know, including my own, who is in a committed relationship did not actually look for one when they got there.

Granted, it is a small sample of only those several guys I know, but they all seem to have two things in common:
-They were not looking for a long term thing
-They met their eventual partners / wives in real life

My husband and I met on OLD when he was 36. I met my ex-husband via OLD when he was 40. Again, small sample size, but there are serious men using OLD.

Bobbotgegrinch · 09/03/2024 08:51

I think you're at a rough age for dating OP.

There's plenty of men our age who are interested in a relationship, and as a result they're already in relationships. I'm male, and most of my friends that are still single are single by choice. They enjoy being single and having the occasional fling.

And the ones who are coupled up all have 5 year olds and are happy little families. Give it 5 years or so I'm sure some of those relationships will have imploded and there will be some men who enjoy relationships back on the market again, but at around 40, at least in my social circle, it's probably slim pickings.

EarthSight · 09/03/2024 09:10

Some of them are Peter Pans and are just putting the fishing rod in the water, seeing what they can get back.

Others are actually ready for a long term relationship, but saying they just want something casual, or that they don't have time, is their way of being picky. If they found a woman they really liked, they wouldn't risk making statements like that. It's a sign you're not for them. Maybe no woman ever will be, but I can understand that this rejection would be really tiresome after a while.

Original poster
Oldsucks · 09/03/2024 11:57

EarthSight I’m only coming across the Peter pans with not much, if any, relationship histories

OP posts:
cablecart · 09/03/2024 17:09

Xenoi24 · 08/03/2024 20:22

says commitment is for young women. Women 35 + are in his view good for company and sex but that is all, he says he won't fall in love with or commit to them and as he's a man who naturally likes variety then in his view of course he likes to move on to someone new after a while

But if he likes variety and likes to move on .... Why would commitment be for young women?? He'd still like variety and want to move on after a while so what does it matter ... He'd just be breaking up a marriage and possibly family with whatever young woman he committed to (?)

Or is he saying he doesn't like variety nor want to move on with a young woman, but does with older women (??) Seems extremely unlikely. Variety is either a priority for you or it's not.

Edited

Essentially he views older women as place markers, according to him they don't hold enough appeal on their own for him to want to stay with the same one long term but they are better than nothing so he rotates thorough them if he can, the variety makes them more "plateable" to him, if some were happy to be put on the back burner and wait for him he'd probably be happy to do that but once he is sleeping with another woman most of them move on.

If he met a much younger woman (young, fertile and beautiful) then he thinks he'd be more likely to fall in love and commit and marry. I have no idea if he has any luck with younger women to be honest. What can I say, he's an asshole.

occhiazzurri · 09/03/2024 19:36

@sittingingold The single men I am referring to are in their 30s/early 40s so I am not sure how that would qualify them as old (unless you are in your 20s). The point I was trying to make is that there may be other avenues which one can explore, depending on where you work.

shuggles · 09/03/2024 20:07

I would have thought the majority of men wanted relationships, as almost all of my friends from school are now married with children in their 30s.

As for those of us (like myself) that are seemingly single forever, well, it's not that I never wanted a relationship. Life is complicated and there are a few factors that cause that to happen. First, there have been points in my life when, due to work, mental health, etc, I had zero interest in trying to pursue any kind of romantic relationship. Second, there are very few women who find me attractive to begin with (I think only one woman has ever approached me to ask for a date).

Due to the above, I have almost no experience in dating or relationships, and in my mid-30s, I am now at the stage where it's seemingly too late to learn any of this. There are far too many things keeping me busy at home and in work for me to start studying the world of relationships, dating, romance, etc.

I think this is true for a lot of men- that we simply have difficulty forming friendships, relationships, etc, and inevitably we just stop trying and end up living solitary lives. There are huge numbers of men that are socially isolated with no real friends or romantic partners (and strangely, few people seem to know about this).

I seriously doubt that the reason for men being single is that they are endlessly cycling through masses of women on Tinder who are all falling at their feet. That doesn't happen unless a man is freakishly attractive. It's more probable that these eternally-single men you are seeing on dating apps are simply getting very few matches and dates.

occhiazzurri · 09/03/2024 21:22

@shuggles I hear what you are saying and that’s true for so many women - 30% of women in 30s/40s are single. I think the difference is that there are so many more single women in their 40s and beyond that the average 40 year old with average looks/job joins OLD can go on a date every day for the foreseeable future so there is no incentive to commit to one woman. I personally haven’t met a single 40 year man in the past five years who isn’t still single - the few people I have dated are still single and looking for a relationship on OLD with their four-five year out of date photos. And they do not make up the 20% that everyone talks about.

shuggles · 09/03/2024 21:44

I think the difference is that there are so many more single women in their 40s and beyond that the average 40 year old with average looks/job joins OLD can go on a date every day for the foreseeable future so there is no incentive to commit to one woman.

But don't the statistics indicate that women on dating apps are vastly outnumbered by men?

occhiazzurri · 09/03/2024 22:01

@shuggles Yes, overall the statistics suggest this but I don’t know to what extent that is true for each age range (ie 20s/30s/40s). This is not to invalidate anyone’s experience with dating or OLD, but a larger number of women stay single over 40s and the %gets even larger over 60. Of course, not everyone is on OLD or dating so this may well skew the statistics.

LorlieS · 09/03/2024 22:02

I met my husband on OLD; he was 41 with no children and I was 36 with two sons aged 6 and 9.
My boys are now 13 and 16 and we share a 3 yo daughter together ❤️
I did have to kiss a few frogs before I met him, however!

occhiazzurri · 09/03/2024 23:22

@LorlieS this totally confirms what we’ve said in a few posts - anyone in their forties looking for commitment is looking for someone 5 or more years younger to have kids with. In your case it was five years and you had kids within a relatively short time period after meeting. Hope everything goes well for you and your family, but we in our 40s are left with the commitmentphones and serial daters.