Are there any men looking for commitment?

[Oldsucks]

I’ve been online dating for a long time. And all I keep coming across are men wanting casual or not sure. I’m dating mostly men in their late 30s and 40s. I’m 38.

I’ve been on a few dates with a 39 year old man, who is about to turn 40, and he just announced he’s actually not sure he has time for a relationship.

I’ve heard this so many times. And years on, the same men keep appearing on the dating apps.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

and what about these men - do they stay single forever?? Don’t they ever get lonely and actually want a girlfriend?

@occhiazzurri Well in fact when I met my now husband I was adamant I didn't want any more children, and DH had come to terms with the fact that he would never be a biological dad. This was why he was looking for someone with a ready-made family; being a stepdad to him would be the next best thing. He certainly wasn't looking to have children and neither was I.
It was only when I very unexpectedly fell pregnant on the pill (taken with 100% accuracy) at 39 and then miscarried that we decided to think differently.

Hunting in the wild 🤣🤣🤣

@LorlieS That’s very interesting that whilst he was looking for someone with a family he still went for some who could still have kids. I suspect he never made peace with not being a dad and that’s why he didn’t go for a 41 or 45 year old woman with two kids.

@occhiazzurri Not at all - he had dated women from the ages of late 30s to mid-40s. I am sure that is he definitely wanted a child of his own he would have (sensibly) been looking to date women younger than 38!
I categorically told him no more kids for me, also bearing in mind my boys were also already 6 and 9 at the time. He never once questioned that; in fact, neither of us did.
He categorically can't have any more though!

Lucky I am religious so don't date never dated. Straight to marriage. I do feel sorry for those who have to go through the circus act and kiss so many frogs and waste years of their life.

@MixedCouple I got married 3 months after meeting my husband and we're both atheists. I know others too, so you can get off your religious high horse.

@MixedCouple How would you meet / get to know someone to marry if you didn’t date them? I can’t imagine anybody (outside of an arranged marriage) would be able to do that.

I'm not sure why men are being singled out for this. I fall into the I want a relationship but don't have time to date camp. I'm not scared of commitment, I was married and with him for 15 years.

When I did OLD a few years ago, I was in a different job, office 3 days a week, wfh 2. My wfh days were much less work so I didn't mind skipping off to meet a guy for coffee in the afternoon, I would finish at 4pm even on days I wfh. So I had my evenings to do things in, my weekends were much less taken up with household chores.

My job now is basically wfh permanently (well 1 day in the office) so I have a different mind set. I can't skip off in the afternoon for coffee as my boss could message to ask me for something. I can still be working at 6/7pm so evenings are gone. My weekend is now housework and the gym, if I'm meeting someone then something has to give. Yesterday I went and did my food shopping, housework, gym then watched the rugby when in that day would I have time to date? What should I skip?

Would I like a relationship yes, do I have time or energy to date no. Is it lonely - sometimes.

As for men in their 40s looking for someone younger if they want commitment, not always the case and not what I found.

So was it an arranged marriage? Going by the number of failed marriages on MN I suspect arranged marriages would be just as successful as ordinary marriages.

Here is something I thought about yesterday, just a lightweight snack for thought...

Women makeup vast majority of divorce instigators - men may cheat or act in some nasty ways, but it often takes their wife to boot them out

So in the middle age, dating pool will likely include a higher proportion of men who are single for very good reasons...and women who are back on dating scene are more likely to encounter more of the same thing, ie men similar to the one they have just got rid of

I don't think it's OLD, the same men IRL looking for a relationship can also be on OLD. I think when you have already been married and divorced breaking up with a girlfriend because it's not working out isn't a big deal. A male friend of mine said relationships are about fun, when it stops being fun then I will get out... there's a point in every relationship where you have to work a bit .

@PaintedEgg I am afraid you are spot on- as many posters have commented we are dealing with the men that other women have found unbearable and divorced. It is a perfectly valid reason to remain single forever!

Totally agree the ones who jusr want to settle down with any old Brenda are the most insulting of all! We basically can't win can we :)

@Oldsucks The vast majority of men are seeking committed relationships. If I was looking for a relationship, I would prefer a stable relationship with one person.

What type of men are you initiating messages with on OLD? Do you have a specific type, and it perhaps this type is more likely to be non-committal?

I’ve heard this so many times. And years on, the same men keep appearing on the dating apps.

Actually, it's most likely that those men are not getting any matches. The overwhelming majority of men get very few matches on OLD.

@shuggles I really don't agree. I would say on OLD in my experience a lot at least 40 percent will indicate in their profile they are looking for something not committed and then there's others who say they are but aren't. In OLD and IRL I have met men who are honest about that. There's also a group who just will have any woman who will have them frankly.

Most people wanting a relationship are in one or will find one via their own social circle.

OLD male users are mainly incels and players. Incels get nowhere, players use women for sex and they enjoy OLD the most.

@User135644 try finding a relationship in your own social circles in your 50s, possible but rare.

Reminds me of the film "good luck chuck"

The men to keep away from are the ones that have just came out of relationships. They're going to do what they couldn't whilst they were in those relationships.

As a newly divorced man at 48, what I want it the excitement and buzz of meeting someone you really connect with. If this then develops, and keep developing, then I would want commitment. My fear is that the longer i'm single, the more i'll get used to it (i can feel it already and it's only been a few weeks), between my kids, work, gym and the off evening out, I'm then quite happy to do SFA.

@Livelifelaughter I would say on OLD in my experience a lot at least 40 percent will indicate in their profile they are looking for something not committed and then there's others who say they are but aren't.

Are these all profiles, or just the profiles you matched with?

There's also a group who just will have any woman who will have them frankly.

I'm not sure why that's an issue. Is your complaint that men are hesitant to commit, or are committing too easily? If the former, then why would there be an issue with men who are prepared to commit once they finally find someone who likes them?

The majority of men are ugly and feel flattered when they find one person who is prepared to have a relationship with them. So what's your expectation for these men? Not to engage with the relationship and just stay celibate instead?

A few weeks? Yeah I can see how that would change a man.
Oh you mean a few weeks single, not a few weeks in the desert?

Quite.

@Aintnosupermum is hardly covering herself in glory. She's a misogynist with an over inflated sense of her own importance.

I don’t think you understand that I’m horrified by the guys behavior. The woman he went with, that’s her choice and she isn’t the problem here at all. It’s not acceptable to me that we date and you tell me you slept with a woman who works as a personal trainer at the hotel gym of a Vegas hotel.

The reason I bring up the prostitution side is because most women wouldn’t, as an employee, have sex with a hotel guest like that. Sure it happens but I’ve been to Vegas. It’s common knowledge that the personal trainers in the gym of the Vegas hotels are prostitutes. I know this because it’s how my ex husband thought he could hide his infidelity from me. Just a shame for him that it was obvious he never set foot in a gym so when I saw that receipt I knew exactly what was going to come up when I asked for more detail from the hotel.

Im not that important…I take my role as mother seriously and I’ve seen colleagues who are good people, make a mistake and their careers are over. I don’t get alimony and I don’t get child support. I live in a country where you can lose your job at a moments notice and with that you are paying for your health insurance and healthcare. I can’t afford to take a single risk, hence I am very picky about a lot of things, including what I eat because I can’t afford to get sick and who I am friends with as well as who I date.

I think it’s risky behavior for a woman to sleep with men so soon. The men seem to move on fast. Better to have an arrangement
where both of don’t sleep with others or just do self service. Hooking up with a guest of a hotel who was staying 4 nights, while not for me, but also given the topic, is not the path to a relationship. Look at who she slept with. Not exactly a prize is he.

I don't mean this rudely but it sounds like you don't have much relationship history either?

That may also be a red flag for some men.

My first time OLD was at 42, and I was with someone for two years. We are still very close friends.

Then two years ago I met my now partner OLD.

I was really cautious of people who didn't have much relationship history. Right or wrong no relationship history was a red flag.