Are there any men looking for commitment?

[Oldsucks]

I’ve been online dating for a long time. And all I keep coming across are men wanting casual or not sure. I’m dating mostly men in their late 30s and 40s. I’m 38.

I’ve been on a few dates with a 39 year old man, who is about to turn 40, and he just announced he’s actually not sure he has time for a relationship.

I’ve heard this so many times. And years on, the same men keep appearing on the dating apps.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

and what about these men - do they stay single forever?? Don’t they ever get lonely and actually want a girlfriend?

I have a friend who is 38, childless and wants to settle down. I told her to move up to Yorkshire. I have been to Yorkshire many times. People are invariably friendly wherever you go. So it's easy to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Also if it's a small town there is an incentive for men to behave. She is considering. Yorkshire is beautiful and is a good place to raise a family

@cablecart I have witnessed exactly the same at my social clubs - men closer to my age without kids being interested in and going for women in their 30s. Since I always end up running into them at other events at the clubs one observation is that the majority of them that I have seen again still remain single. My 35-year old friends aren’t enthused about dating someone ten years older so I think a lot of these men are chasing a dream rather than reality. It doesn’t change anything for women in their 40s of course.
@Kosenrufugirl - that’s a great suggestion! My job requires me to be in the office five days so I cannot move out of London unless within a commutable distance but I do think some of the places outside the big cities may have fewer single people who might be more open to some form of commitment.

@occhiazzurri I agree that it is unlikely to work out for them, I don't think women in general want to be with men 10 years older. I remember being pursued by older men in their 30's and 40's when I was in my 20's and I was just not interested, they were too old and I found their attentions creepy.

I think though as my friend says many men are happy to cycle though women their age for a bit of company and sex but the minute their is any strife, if the woman starts pushing for more or someone new or younger takes their fancy then it seems to be quite easy for them to end it quickly and start up with someone new, they don't seem to get attached.

I suspect the men who do get attached to their female partners and have the ability to maintain a long term relationship are not single and haven't been for quite some time.

My cynical view (based on experience) is that most of them don't want commitment but the ones who do want a relationship (slash mother replacement) want that above all else and don't really care who it's with.

This may be unfair, but it's true based on the men I have met.

@cablecart I think you are absolutely right that OLD does encourage this sort of casual dating with many people - as soon as the excitement of the new person wears off you can always move on to the next or if the woman wants to move towards a relationship/meeting friends etc. That’s happened to me with three very intelligent, seemingly decent (decent job etc) men who are just out there dating a new women every few months. It’s a lifestyle for many people you meet on OLD or I am sure IRL (facilitated by OLD).

I'm in my 30s and have used OLD on and off for the past few years. I don't want children and the 'don't want' box is displayed on my profile. I've only managed a date with one decent bloke, who I ended up dating briefly. He was sweet, attractive, didn't want kids either and was keen to settle down, but unfortunately I just wasn't feeling any chemistry. My most recent date was with a racist prick.

Most of the profiles I see are '🚫no drama', 'kink-friendly 😈', 'fluent in sarcasm' or '🍑🍆' men clearly not looking for anything serious. The ones that do seem ok and I match with often don't bother to ask me any questions so I give up.

I don't remember it being this bad in my 20s.

It's interesting posters talk about looking at +/- 10 years. The idea of dating a 45 year old isn't massively appealing though, and it's a cliche. I'm not sure I'd have much in common with a 25 year old.

I don't have any family so it would be nice to settle down with someone, although I doubt I'd want to live with someone or get married now. Increasingly I'm not sure a relationship is on the cards for me anymore!

I think majority of men, especially middle aged men, are not looking for a relationship. They can certainly want one with someone they start dating, but they don't start dating thinking of a relationship

@AntonFeckoff I hear what you are saying about age gaps but being open minded may help if you meet such people in real life. I have two friends who are now getting married to partners 10-/15+ years whom they met in real life and have tons in common with (through life experiences/work/hobbies/similar values). They don’t seem to be bothered by the age gaps at least at the moment, and nobody can tell whether it will be an issue in 10 years time.

Yes, of course, but realistically I think the ones who really want to be, probably already are by their 30s and 40s. So I think you're going to be dealing with a skewed sample of men who probably less likely to want or successfully maintain long-term relationships unfortunately.

I thought this was true of everyone. I only wanted a relationship (with DP) once I'd been dating him for a while. When I dated occasionally before him I certainly didn't have anything long-term as the goal. Wanting a relationship in the abstract makes no sense to me - it smacks of "anyone will do". Whereas wanting one with a specific person happens if you genuinely click with someone.

So your saying that neither you or your friend have ever been asked out or asked anyone out though you worked in a male dominated environment. Do you not just chat to people ever?

When I was looking in my twenties for a life partner I also ruled out anyone with children. Once you hit mid thirties you are ruling out huge swathes of the population.

I'm a married man, and I've always wanted to spend my life with the same person.
They'll know everything about me, we can share hobbies and interests and we both know that if we have any difficulties, the other person is there for support.

It's hard to explain why I guess, but it's what I've always wanted.

OP, don't give up - but honestly the stories I'm hearing about OLD these days seem to be getting worse and worse. I've met the 'best' of my exes in real life.

There's going to be an awful lot of old and lonely men.

Re the age gap -

At 55 I’ve had so many messages from men 10+ years my senior, the oldest being 79.

Sorry but I’m a young 50 something who still goes to festivals, day raves and house music weekends- which is clearly stated in my bio. What do they honestly think we’d have in common?

Though I’m sure the vast majority don’t read the profile just look at the pictures.

I put this on my profile -

A non-negotiable...
Good communication. One word messages, waves and emojis don't work for me. I want to talk, get to know each other and have flowing interesting conversations

First 20 messages were 13 👋 5 ‘hi’ 1 ‘hi Sam’ and 1 🌹- not a single one bothered to read a few lines!

@SamW98 I'm mid 40's and I might go to festivals, book festivals but not day raves and house music weekends and I consider myself young looking and acting for my age (don't we all) and I think there is more than one way to be young, I was never into that kind of music or clubbing even in my teens and twenties but I am not interested in men more than a few years older than me, I don't think I'd have anything in common with them at all. I dated a guy 6 years older, he was fit and nice, if older looking but it felt like I was snogging / dating my grandad ,even at six years the age gap was too much.

As they get older and health problems emerge, that's when they start looking for a "nurse with a purse".

My shop will have firmly closed for business if I haven't found a long-term partner by then!

I don't mind going through the more challenging later years together, if I've experienced some lovely decent times with him in younger years, but definitely not just signing up for hard graft lol

It makes complete logical sense. If half the men who sign up want long term and half want long term, then the long term half will meet someone and vanish (because they settle with someone new) and the short term half will be back over and over, after every fling. Then another bunch of people sign up, and the pool of 'returners' grows, whilst the pool of people looking for long term stays small, as lots of them find what they want, or don't (so they leave)

This isn't a 'where have all the good men gone' thing; it's just maths. It's the same with women. This is how dating works; many who want a long term relationship find one, or realise it's not working, and go elsewhere. You could do it too, or just keep hanging round in a place that isn't working for you, and complain.

Don’t they ever get lonely and actually want a girlfriend

That's like saying 'Don't you ever get bored and actually want to play chess??' There's a lot of ways to alleviate loneliness. 'Having a boy/girlfriend' isn't everyone's cup of tea, and OLD caters perfectly for those who want something else (chat, few dates, hookup, short term etc)

If you’re dating and they say there they aren’t sure they are ready/have time for a relationship, it means they don’t want one with YOU. I don’t meant to sound callous, but that’s what it means.

Yes I think that's self evident.

What makes you think they're worse of than women without partners?
One of us will die before the other, probably DH, I must admit I'll miss him but life will go on. I'm sure he'll be more than capable of carrying on his life if I die before him.
The idea that not being married or having a partner will leave you old and lonely is strange. We have a number of lifelong bachelor friends and they're quite happy in their lives.

Men and women will vary in their ability to be self-reliant certainly.
Generally I think women build better friend networks and look after themselves better.
Consensus among my single female friends, and from reading the views on this forum tell me that many previously married women are making a choice to stop dating. Mainly because all that is on offer is really old unappealing men!

Didimum

If you’re dating and they say there they aren’t sure they are ready/have time for a relationship, it means they don’t want one with YOU.

the men I’m coming across don’t want a relationship. And all the ones I’ve dated haven’t had a relationship in at least 5-20 years.

it’s not because they haven’t found the right woman. It’s because casual dating is what they want.

I didn't have a relationship for 10 years because casual dating, flings and one night stands were all I wanted. The idea of settling down gave me hives. Then I met DP and after a bit of time to process the idea it turned out I wanted a relattionship... with him.

gannett yes because you went thro that process and were ready to be with him. If you met him in the first year of that decade, you probably wouldn’t have wanted a relationship with him. Sure it had a lot to do with the individual, but you also have to be in the headspace for it.

This is very true actually! I guess my point is that you don't consciously realise you're in that headspace until the right person comes along at the right time. I spent a long time coming to terms with the fact that apparently I was in a headspace I never envisaged.