Are there any men looking for commitment?

[Oldsucks]

I’ve been online dating for a long time. And all I keep coming across are men wanting casual or not sure. I’m dating mostly men in their late 30s and 40s. I’m 38.

I’ve been on a few dates with a 39 year old man, who is about to turn 40, and he just announced he’s actually not sure he has time for a relationship.

I’ve heard this so many times. And years on, the same men keep appearing on the dating apps.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

and what about these men - do they stay single forever?? Don’t they ever get lonely and actually want a girlfriend?

When a man says this, they indeed are there just for sex or are not sure what they want , so even if they are there for sex, the worst part is they will use for sex and then leave. Do not do this. If you want a family, keep putting it out there. Let this send them away if they want to be sent away. Perhaps someone who wants a family will appear and it will happen for you.

In your answer to your question do they get lonely yes I do but I'm working all week sometimes from 6am until 8pm then on a weekend I pick ds up on Friday evening and he's with me until Sunday evening so unfortunately it would not be be on a woman to give her what limted time I have.

Would I like a relationship yes but I can't complain I made the choice to have a child so have to wait until he's 18.

CharSiu

When a man finds a woman he wants to settle down with he will do it, just the same for women.

yes but the man has to want to settle down for that to happen
most men I am coming across on the dating apps aren’t looking for anything serious

Can I ask why you want a life partner? I'm just deliberately trying to play devils advocate here and wondering what value a life partner brings over and above other options. Especially in a man's head.

What you can have without a life partner...

1. All the company you want via friends be they male or female
2. All the sex you want with a fwb. Choose one with a connection if you want. Especially if you're good looking, then there's more choice.
3. Freedom.

men only want to settle down if they meet a woman they are keen on.

until then- they can be as vague as they like because as you can usually see from the low-bar dating advice you often see on the mumsnet relationship forum, there are a gaggle of women who will shag them and groom their egos with daily texts after a walk around the park

they don’t get lonely because there are women signing themselves up to situationships with them to keep them busy. They don’t NEED an official girlfriend.

they are keeping their cards close to their chest, and so should you.

it’s catnip to be a woman who ‘isn’t really sure….’ about what she wants. Because it’s the truth. Why would you tell someone you don’t know that you are looking for a relationship?? You don’t know them. You’re seeing how much you like them.

As a little anecdote, there's a guy I've seen who's been on OLD for years with 'wants a relationship' in his bio. Now, this guy is 45 and absolutely gorgeous, a 10 looks wise. He matched with me and I thought wtaf, (I'm not a 10) but whatever, met, had sex. Now the reason I did it, was to have sex with such a glorious looking specimen. And it was fab and I'm glad I did it.
For this guy, with hindsight, it was clear he couldn't care less about a connection, or even what the woman looks like to enjoy sex. He could get anyone he wanted easily.
So, for him, there's no value in a relationship.

So, my advice is, sign on to OLD with a blank photo even when you're not interested in dating. Note the ones you like who say they want a relationship. Then when you are interested, any that are still there, especially if they're good looking, are lying, they don't want a relationship.

@arethereanyleftatall Sadly I can totally confirm your experience. My looks only seem to attract these 10s who are supposedly after a relationship with the thousands of women on OLD. I dated one for a few months last year and he was juggling four other ladies behind my back.

Ime, it seems the MORE good looking you are, the less likely it is that you will get a relationship in your forties, because if you match with a person who is equally attractive as you, you will both be spoilt for choice and nothing will ever be as good as the next maybe.
Whereas the other end of the scale, only one or two matches, more likely to stick.

I agree with others that online dating isn’t really the right place to be looking if you want a “life partner”. There will of course be some exceptions but the vast majority of people use online dating apps for a confidence boost, a little flirt, something to do to pass the time, and for lots of dates/sex. It’s not people who are looking to partner up really.

I also think it’s a difficult age to try and date at, some of DH’s friends are in their 30’s and openly will say that they are really looking for women younger than them (late 20’s) because then they have time to date, have fun etc before any pressure for babies begins. I also work with 2 men in their mid 40’s who are forever on dating apps, they’re single by choice but they just love dates & that excitement, so although they are single they have a different date every weekend, they’re never lonely, but those women tend to be 30-35.

You have the 2 ends of the spectrum at that age bracket, you have the men who still are open to marriage/babies who will most likely look to women in late 20’s / 30’s for that, and you have those another poster mentioned who have already done all of that and really are just dating for fun/sport.

HandsomeGreige

men only want to settle down if they meet a woman they are keen on.

well, obviously. Same for women. But men have to be in the headspace for wanting a relationship. Otherwise they want to date around and juggle women.

Not the OP but from a woman’s perspective, to reply to your points:

1. I don’t find it very easy to make friends either since people are focused on their families or their significant other.
2. Most men are bad at sex, and women are hard wired to become attached to men that have sex with, so that doesn’t work. Also STDs, safety and so on.
3. Freedom is overrated, and research constantly says that social connections are essential.

I understand that from a man’s perspective the equation looks different, number 2 in particular.

So basically youre saying I’m stuffed Mrsttcno1 I haven’t been asked out by a man in real life in over 15 years
if not online dating, then where can I meet someone?

No, it’s just a difficult situation. Online dating isn’t the answer though you need to put yourself out there more in real life, join clubs/hobbies that interest you, surround yourself with new people and make effort to interact with people in real life rather than on a dating app.

It depends what you’re looking for really. If you do want to start a family then I appreciate you might want to do things as quickly as possible, but that is always going to come with challenges and in my opinion at least the men who are on the dating apps don’t want to even be thinking about a baby for probably a couple of years into a relationship and that might not work on your timeline.

Mrsttcno1
I’ve tried many hobbies
I’ve worked in male dominated companies
my friend has played rugby, football and frisbee for years
neither of us have met a man in real life for over 10-15 years

The only other comment I would make is that you may want to consider and try is dating outside your current age range by let’s say 10 years. I know there are a lot of downsides but my friends (when late 30s/early 40s) found partners who were either younger ie early 30s or older (10 + years). They met in real life so there were no search criteria involved and they decided to take the risk and are currently getting married. There is no guarantee that the age difference won’t prove too much at some point but my friends gave up on men their age (one is divorced) and found happiness elsewhere.

I personally have just started work in another very male dominated company and noticed at the recent office drinks that there seem to be at least a few people who look mid 30s or possibly older who aren’t married. They are in the support functions such as IT, accounts, facilities and I suspect many women aren’t interested because they don’t have a glamorous job and perhaps don’t have social skills that would attract women IRL. I know this won’t work for everyone since not all companies are similar.

But how many men have you approached in those 10-15 years?

At hobbies, at the bar, in your local cafe, at the gym… how many men have you gone up and started a conversation with?

When I was looking for a husband, I juggled loads of men

dating one person at a time is a waste of time.

You can’t put all your eggs in one basket.

also doesn’t help with the emotional investment angle either

I’d have missed out on my husband if I exclusively dated the first man who I had a nice conversation with on bumble.

Good point @HandsomeGreige - Women are far too keen to be exclusive quickly, often to their own disadvantage.

I don't think they are looking for anything more than "fun".

I've been on 3 dates in the last 8 weeks with a man who is delicious. On the first date he hinted he had a few other first dates lined up, on the second he was talking about one lady he hadn't met asking him for exclusivity before they'd met. On the third date I mentioned I don't do casual dating, and left the ball in his court.

He claims to want a relationship, and that he is really into me. 3 dates, 3 phone calls and a couple of texts across 2 months isn't conveying that message at all.

The OLD men, particularly the ones who are objectively reasonably good looking, well dressed with a solid job and own home are inundated with messages from women, as there's so few decent men. These types of men are like children in a sweet shop, as they could sleep with a different woman every night, and see no reason to settle down.

Online dating has helped make men lazy and unwilling to commit.

It gives the illusion that there is always someone better around the corner and plenty of choice so why settle?

I also think women have helped create that situation: too many women are willing to have sex after a date or two with men they barely know and who are not really yet invested in developing any kind of relationship, so why should they bother to make any effort? They easily get sex and then move on to the next girl.

Frankly these days it is better to try to meet people in real life rather than focus everything on online dating.

Frankly there is a reason why these men are on dating sites...most decent, attractive men have no issues dating in real life and don't stay single long so they don't need to use dating sites.

There are a fair few threads on here along the same lines and covering the same topic, which I have followed for the last few years. I think on balance as hard as meeting someone in real life is, those who found partners later in life seemed to have had more success in real life and they did so by getting out and into new activities and expanding their social circle constantly. I think this literally means finding any possible avenue to meet people. I have started going to alumni events for my university and there definitely were single age appropriate people at the last two events. I am hoping to see them again at the next event before I can muster up courage to ask at least one for a coffee.

I can see your point on this. I DON'T date women in late 20s/early 30s (childless ones) because of the whole likelihood that I'm going to encounter the babies question and I have 2 DC already.

But I'd still want a relationship, and a life partner, it's just I'd crave the companionship, laughter, and close friendship and chemistry that comes with that life partner. I actually date older as a result.

I think if you're looking towards men around 40 who've never married then they may be settled in their lives and in no rush.

The ones on OLD may be looking for a casual relationship, some may be looking for long term but most of the single men we know had basically settled to being batchelors well before they were 40.

A "friend" of mine in his early 40s who has been doing online dating for years now says commitment is for young women. Women 35 + are in his view good for company and sex but that is all, he says he won't fall in love with or commit to them and as he's a man who naturally likes variety then in his view of course he likes to move on to someone new after a while. He feels that as he is always honest about his intentions nobody can complain. I suppose a man of 60 might go for me but its just too old, my father is in his 60's! Another man (48) I worked with has complained about "predatory middle aged women" on the look out for a man at his running club.

I hated OLD, I felt like a lot of men seem to see the women on their are sex workers. I also tried in the wild, met a lovely man at a language class I was taking last year, my age, mid 40's, intelligent, educated, gainfully employed, presentable and it felt like we really hit it off, a good bit of spark to the point where even other people noticed it. Then at the end of term drinks he looked like he was working up to asking me out but no, instead he confided in me that he had asked out another woman from the class, of course she was only 32 and had said yes. My face must have looked a picture, and I couldn't bring myself to go back the following term so I have no idea what happened.

I know that there must be nice men out there who would be happy to meet a same age women and if I happen to meet one great but I have given up looking.

I want to add two success cases to form a more rounded view.
My colleague, 40 years old, made a New Year's resolution to find a boyfriend. She went on about six dates, all from OLD; some were bad, but she shrugged them off and kept going. I guess it is her personality. On the 6th date, she met someone in his early 40s, and they hit off. Everything went smoothly from there, and they married within six months. I witnessed the whole process; otherwise, I wouldn't believed it. They are trying to have a baby now. She has a cheerful and funny personality; I am not surprised someone would fall for her quickly.
Another friend in her mid-40s, who had been single for ten years, used to despise online dating. She decided that enough was enough; she was not going to find a man in real life as time had changed and no one would approach her in bars, gyms, etc, so she tried OLD again and took it slowly as she didn't want children. Within one year, she found someone ten years her senior, has a good job and is divorced with two adult children. He recently moved in with her, and she seemed happy and content. She is beautiful, calm and got her life together,
Neither of them would come here and share their success stories, but they did find someone they love. I want to say that live your unique life, be open, be proactive, and let things happen to you. It will happen. I am single, so I bloody hope so.