Why do ppl take issue with Stay at Home Mothers?

[Thefirstime]

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean..look after myself too (which went right out the window)

I had PND and anxiety so am recovering.. still have wobbles..

why do people take issue with SAH parents? I do not earn right now but what has that to do with anyone..

really negative responses from family and old friends on my current living situation it sucks..

You can win. You just need to have enough respect for yourself and the decisions that you make in your life that the approval of others is diminished to irrelevant background noise.

It’s all well and good not caring and saying it’s no one else’s business but it does get you down if female family members, school mums, old friends make constant judgement - it does grate after a while.. you feel it.. (am a sensitive soul yes!)

that said, my child recently came home and asked what I did for work? What my job was? A 5 year old!!!

so I do feel some amount of pressure to get going with something the problem is I’ve never had a career.. I did go to university and consider myself reasonably intelligent 😅 but I don’t have a specialist skill or something that can make me a good enough income right now!!

side note, I am working on this!!

It’s great that you’re happy - I was a SAHM for 6 years and have never been happier since going back to work and establishing a life of my own outside of the family and my role as a mother.

When your child becomes a teen and you are suddenly far less important to them in relation to the role their peers start to take - you may well find yourself a bit lost. Let alone the sheer misery of perhaps - heaven forbid - your marriage goes wrong and you find yourself dependent and trapped. You only have to read the countless threads on this board and the depressing reality that faces so many unhappy women who are financially dependent and cannot leave.

You give away your attitude towards working mothers by suggesting YOU are giving your children secure attachment by staying home. Wait until you have survived the teen years and finding your life’s purpose beyond parenting - and THEN you can talk about how great it is to be a SAHM. I was “lucky” enough to not need to work when my DC were young as my H was a very high earner. I don’t regret it at all, but I didn’t experience any sneering at the time either and certainly wouldn’t have thought it was jealousy if I did. As I say however, I feel so much happier, more fulfilled, and confident I am a much better role model for my children now that I have an established career.

That’s a bloody good question. It’s the reason I gave up work to be a SAHM. There aren’t school clubs which cover all the school holidays anyway (which amount to 14 weeks of the year round here).

@fightingthedogforadonuthas nailed it:

“Because women can't do right for doing wrong....

If you're a SAHM then you are lazy, lack independence etc.
If you work full time then you are neglecting your kids etc. We can't win!

If your situation works for you and your family, then just tell everyone else to mind their own business....”

This. No-one is judging the fathers for working or staying at home. One of my colleagues is a single father with 2 young children. He commented that he gets so much praise and encouragement when he’s out and about with his children and he knows this does not happen for his ex-wife.

is It concern? Are you married and all finances pooled? Does your partner pay into a pension for you? Are you named on the deeds if you own a property? Would you be confident getting work if you had to? What if your partner was made redundant? I am very much supportive of personal decision but I think it’s so important to be financially protected in case things don’t work out. if I had a friend who was a SAHM, I’d push them to make sure they’d consider their financial situation, as I know women who’ve been really in bad situations after break ups

i don’t know why you’re surprised they’re asking? Just factually most of the other mums will have jobs. And school will talk about jobs not just in relation to men.

That seems like odd thinking for a child that age. You must have got some sort of messaging somewhere.

My mother went back to work when I was a preteen. It wasn't a change for the better. As a result of that experience, I have never worked outside school hours or more than part-time because I don't want that for my children. They appreciate having me around fortunately.

Personally I get 45 days leave a year, so 9 weeks. My husband gets 6 weeks. Holiday club currently costs £25 a day (8am-6pm) so if you've been used to paying nursery fees it's a bargain.

Although my youngest is off to uni in September so it's all irrelevant now.

I'm a feminist and I'll support any woman to make the choice that is right for her. And to change her mind whenever it suits her to do something different.

As a working mum, though, i had things said to me by SAHM that immediately put my hackles up. And for sure i will say something back. ("don't you want to be a proper mum" was the most common. And I had various replies, some of which were quite as hurtful, intentionally, as that. And i have zero regrets if it made someone have the sads.)

Having said that: i do say (mostly to myself because i don't want to assume people aren't sensible) that people need to make sure that if the worst happens (they die, spouse dies, spouse runs off with younger model, you run off with the pool guy etc etc) they are covered financially and that the children won't have to give up too much because of it. If someone asked me directly, I'd say that to them. Not in a judgy way, just as a reply.

my DH was a SAHD for a while with our #2. God the praise he got. Did make me cross, tbh. Because i got none of that.

My only issue is the small number of stay at home parents who say things like they "wish they could work instead as their job is 24/7" or "I'm a full time parent". as if working parents just get a free pass to not parent in the evenings, wake up with a baby in the night or take their kids to doctors appointments or whatever else. The same amount of parenting still needs to be done by working parents, just on top of holding down a job. SAHPs can pre-prep an evening meal, take the child to classes in the day, feed them earlier and give them a bath etc etc which working parents have to squeeze into an evening. The actual direct childcare in the day especially if caring for multiple children or with SEND might be harder work than a lot of jobs though. It all balances I suppose.

I don't actually think that's true. When I was working part time, my working days were definitely days off from the drudgery. I worked 2 long days and collected DC all fed and entertained all day, just in time to bath, story, bed. I didn't do much parenting on those says.

Same. My mum worked insanely long hours. No shade on her, she had no choice, but I always remember wanting her around after school and her not being there. Didn't want that for my kids IF I could avoid it. Obviously for some people it is unavoidable.

It makes me chuckle when working mums try to say they are of higher intelligence than a SAHM, they need more mental stimulation and thats why they need to work outside the home, yet they dont even seem to have the capabilities to see for most, being a SAHM is not just cooking, cleaning and maybe the gym.
Its either very narrow minded or they just want to try (incorrect) cheap shots at SAHM.

It's also the assumption that a job is automatically more stimulating than being at home. Wasn't for me. I worked in a highly successful, professional role where I had a lot of responsibility and it felt like 90% of my time was spent stuck in the world's most tedious meetings.

I suppose it is a little different for me as a SAHM of a school aged child as my DC is home educated so I spend a lot of my time doing that. But I've just dropped him off at his forest school group for the morning and now I'm going to do a bit of writing, read a chapter of my book and cook tonight's dinner. For me that's not dull, I'd be more bored doing the job I previously did.

I would think the main reason you get negative comments is because going to work is rubbish and everyone would rather not. If you are working you imagine being a sahm as loads of lie ins and daytime tv and coffee with friends.
Of course it’s not.
I would imagine the main reason is jealousy, like when someone tells you they are off on an amazing tropical holiday that you could never afford, even if they are up to their eyeballs in credit card debt to pay for it, it’s hard not to be jealous.
i think they are not seeing the compromises people make (sahm OR working mums) or the things they sacrifice, just the benefits.

It just goes to show every situation is different tho. Short days mean more kid time but more to do, long days less kid time but less to do, part time might mean partner expects more, full time might mean partner still expects you to do it all, volunteering roles don't carry any sway with anyone because it's a choice but my study and volunteering means that being a sham to primary aged kids means I don't get to spend my life at the gym or at lunch. Some will find childcare drudgery, some will hate their jobs, some will feel stuck. Some work by choice, some don't work by choice, some work due to circumstances, some don't work due to circumstances.
What we need more of is just hoping each family is doing their best to meet that families needs.

You’re confusing two things, OP.

No one I know cares about SAHM - I.e women who don’t work but do the childcare with young children. Lots of people have to do that due to childcare costs.

What the people I know find worrying/baffling is women whose kids are at school who don’t have an income and are financially reliant on someone else. It’s not jealousy from them (as you’ve suggested), it’s genuine shock that anyone would make themselves that vulnerable financially.

TBH I find SAHM (both groups above) to be more judgy and, in many ways, often keen to justify their choice where working mums don’t.

People will always judge and many will be jealous that you have the option not to work. Others would find the prospect of not working to be challenging because they find their jobs fulfilling and enjoy doing something away from family life. Generating an income can be satisfying too. Perhaps they struggle to relate, even though your choices are not their business.

As a parent working full time, I am judged by women too, often by older generations who did not have careers. My husband is not judged in the same way.

I think that people will always say the wrong thing and you just have to develop think skin and enjoy the choices you have made.

I would think the main reason you get negative comments is because going to work is rubbish and everyone would rather not

Eh?! The people I know at work and amongst my friend group enjoy coming to work to get away from the house, to do something they enjoy and to put money in their accounts and pension pots.

I'm in the group you and your friends judge as baffling / stupid / lazy. That's why I need to justify my choices more than you, because generally any shade thrown at you is countered succinctly by "I need to work" and whilst it might be a criticism of what children need, it's rarely about you as a person - how pathetic and stupid you are and how you'll be left on the streets when he dumps you and takes up with a decent woman who doesn't sponge off him. It doesn't matter my reasons, it all comes down to what a useless person and bad influence I am.

Same with my Mum. I know she didn't have the choice when she went back to work and that wasn't so bad, it just quickly became full time. I think that's where some jealousy may come in - over having the choice. I doubt most people would work more than part-time if they really had the choice.

People are negative towards women. Doesn't matter what you do. So do what you want.

You can't do something you enjoy or get out when you're a SAHM? Lack of imagination and very boring of them. I was probably home half the time at the most when I was a SAHM.

You do you...