Why do ppl take issue with Stay at Home Mothers?

[Thefirstime]

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean..look after myself too (which went right out the window)

I had PND and anxiety so am recovering.. still have wobbles..

why do people take issue with SAH parents? I do not earn right now but what has that to do with anyone..

really negative responses from family and old friends on my current living situation it sucks..

DH talk about lots of things - our work is just one aspect of our conversation. Both of us have interesting jobs (won’t say what) so I enjoy hearing about his as it’s completely different from mine and vice versa.

He does, but in a different way. He enriches their lives by providing for them financially and for enabling me to be at home with them, and he is also a wonderful Dad when he is not working (he gets a lot of quality time at the weekends because he is not burdened with household chores!). But the reality is that if we were both working then they would be in childcare to wrap around school hours and in the holidays, we tried that and it wasn’t for us. The sad fact is that you can’t work a full time job plus give your children the same as a SAHP, it just isn’t possible!

I was referring more to the PP who said a working man wouldn't find his SAHM wife interesting without a job. But DH and I rarely spoke about our jobs even when we both had them, unless it was to moan about colleagues (which he still does - and I have plenty of non-colleagues to moan about!).

I don't claim a dime in benefits. Not even child benefit.

No, you can’t be around as much but I wouldn’t want to be in my children’s company all the time and vice versa - they enjoyed their time away from me pursuing their own interests and friendships, especially as they got older. Wraparound was great - fantastic staff, lots of friends to play with, lots of games and craft stuff.

Can I ask why you feel judgemental? Has her partner expressed that he is unhappy with the arrangement? If not, what does it have to do with you?
Its obviously noteworthy that you said you’d never express it but I still think this attitude is part of the problem - that we are somehow entitled to views on how others live their lives.

Can’t say that’s the same for us - we both lead great teams and get a lot of satisfaction from our work.

Sahm or Sahw (wife) with no kids, it's no one else's business as long as not claiming benefits or being forced to be one by your DH.

I think this is where people are baffled, especially by men who need a sahp to ensure they can be a good parent.

I am a single parent with a ‘big career’. I get plenty of time with my kids on evenings and weekends. I don’t need to sahp to enable that. I don’t need a sahp to be a better parent.

This is where men end up sounding pretty shit to be honest. That they need their wife to be a sahp to enable them to engage with their kids at weekends and not do chores.

As I said before, I have no issue with sahp. If people want to be one, that’s great. But I don’t buy the ‘I am a sahp because my husband has a big job and couldn’t be an engaged parent with out me’

and I disagree that you can’t give the same. As I said earlier, I had a full on day yesterday. I was here when ds left for school. And in about 40 mins after he got home as he had an afterschool club. I cooked dinner, had a shower and chilled with him and dd (who was home from uni and met me in the train station).

I have had loads of quality time with them today. I will do tomorrow. And house jobs get done in bits over the week and weekend. The bathroom will be deep cleaned while the roast is in tomorrow as an example.

I think if you want to be a sahp, enjoy it. But so many women don’t need to a sahp to keep up to the house, admin and be present with their kids.

It’s not “tax payers business” who works and who doesn’t in most cases. How odd.
I don’t know what you mean “instead of claiming”, I’m in Ireland not UK so here you can claim a tax credit as a SAHP but that’s it i think. I didn’t know the UK was different.

Id have an issue with someone claiming unemployment benefit whilst not looking for work when the basis of it is that you are looking for work.

I’ve never been a SAHP but your statement quite sad that you would have moved to stay at home but didn’t.

I couldn’t afford to, who was going to pay me mortgage and bills?

Most people can’t, but Im curious how that relates to it being tax payers business who pays tax and what did you mean by claiming?

My DH loves his job. I didn't particularly love mine but I rubbed along OK in it. I was merely making the point that I think it's very weird to assume that if one of you doesn't work you must have nothing to talk about.

I agree - I’m sure having just one thing in a marriage must be very boring, whether that’s work or what the kids have done all day.

I think I started the line that has now become “you have nothing to talk about if you don’t work”. Which is not what I said. I said I thought it was risky for your dh and you to inhabit totally different worlds and I was referring to the archetypal situation where the high earning dh is off doing big important things and not leaned into family life at all and the dw is home looking after kids and doing Pilates and pottering about during the day. I stand by what I said - I believe that is risky for a marriage. But clearly it does not describe all situations when one spouse is at work and the other isn’t!

Because in the U.K. most single stay at home mums claim benefits which are paid for through working people’s taxes.

@the7Vabo their relationship is very bad and I can clearly see he resents her. It isn’t my business so I haven’t offered that as a theory to her, but I do think it plays a part in their problems, along with other issues. He is very stressed about work a lot of the time and as much as i don’t like him (for other reasons), I don’t think it is fair that he shoulders more of the responsibility. I very much believe both partners should pull their weight equally in terms of shouldering financial responsibility if they are able to, and there is no reason that she can’t.

Was anyone specifically talking about single mums?

If you'd read the thread you'd realise all of the discussion has been on SAHMs who are married or in long term relationships, where their partner provides for them financially.

Im confused this thread isn’t about single mums - the OP is married.

My DH works from home, only goes into the office once a fortnight. He's very much part of day to day family life. Most SAHMs I know have similar set ups. I don't know many, if any, where the male partner is off doing big important things and not participating in family life. That wouldn't make me happy either.

Ok, I see.

If both partners should pull their weight equally financially then both should also do equal housework and childcare. That’s very rarely the case.

Also, in a lot of situations it doesn’t make any sense. I have friends who are a CEO and a SAHM. Should the SAHM become a CEO too so that things can be equal?

That statement may have some relevance to the couple you mentioned but doesn’t work as a blanket statement IMO.

Some working mothers feel they're being 'judged' for going out to work, even though the rest of us couldn't care less and are too busy crackin' on with our own lives! They feel judged, they feel guilt for supposedly 'abandoning' their babies - again, that comes from inside themselves, not s.a.h.m's. They can be very, very defensive of working and using childcare. It's weird, but you never hear a s.a.h.m. start the phrase "ooh, ooh no, I couldn't go OUT to work" and yet i always had working mothers at nursery/school etc say the opposite "ooh no, I couldn't stay at home, I'd HAVE to go out to work or I'd just be braindead"! And they thought it was perfectly acceptable to go on the attack straight away. I actually had that said to me by an ex acquaintance! Look, we don't judge you, you judge yourselves, and you judge stay at home mothers, and you just need to stop! Having a choice, means EXACTLY that! It doesn't mean I MUST go out to work, it means I can choose. I think that may be part of it too; I was very lucky to have a partner who earned enough money that enabled me to stay home with the children and there was a lot of resentment from working mothers that that wasn't an option for them. You know, you make your choices based on what is best for you and yours, and it really is no-one else's business.

No idea why, I would quit work tomorrow if we could afford to just live on my partners income. I loved my time off during my maternity leave. I felt myself and my daughter benefitted going to mums and tots, rhythm and rhyme, swimming and for days out but we couldn't afford it so I had to go back. It is really hard when you hear your daughter gets upset your not there all the time anymore but I know from experience it's for the best.

I once described myself as a full time mum to a nurse who refused to enter it on a form she was completing about me. She wrote “housewife”. I was upset but I think it said more about her than it did about me. I hadn’t heard the term SAHM then otherwise I would have used that. I wonder if the nurse would have recorded it or still insist I was married to a house because I didn’t have a “proper” job like her.