Why do ppl take issue with Stay at Home Mothers?

[Thefirstime]

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean..look after myself too (which went right out the window)

I had PND and anxiety so am recovering.. still have wobbles..

why do people take issue with SAH parents? I do not earn right now but what has that to do with anyone..

really negative responses from family and old friends on my current living situation it sucks..

For me, a few reasons. You are making yourself very vulnerable financially, career wise and potentially socially too. You are modelling gendered stereotypical roles if it's mum who stays at home (I would like to actively do the opposite) and just the sheer audacity of many sahp's who don't realize that the rest of us have to do all the work they do on top of a paid job. After that I guess it's wealth inequality- why should some people be able to afford to whilst others have to work ridiculous hours, and finally it's the tone deafness- as spelt out in the OP perfectly.

I don't normally do this but I searched your username, OP.
There is a thread not long ago where you said your DH said 'know your place' and 'you are a housewife and mum'
So it seems that your OP is not as much about people taking issue with SAHMs but more about the fact that your DH does not respect you as an equal partner and perhaps deep down you feel stuck and want the validation from others that your situation is perfectly fine.
Your DH's view of your being a SAHM is a big problem and a bad role modelling for your DC.
You also say that he has been controlling and patronising. Be very careful OP, because you could find yourself in a very vulnerable position. Obviously I don't know your financial situation and you might be absolutely fine if your marriage didn't work out. But I would hate if the next OP from you was 'He left me, I was a SAHM and have no money and nowhere to go'.
Take care of yourself.

And those of you who have been pedalling the 'it's jealousy' line, it really isn't.

I not a SAHM but damn your post is harsh. Yes, the OP risks financial vulnerability and Id expect being a SAHM for a lengthy period could have an impact on career opportunities. Socially maybe but that really depends on the work environment, and SAHM may be far less socially isolated than someone WFH.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with modelling gender stereotypical roles, while I think contributing to society outside the home is laudable, after years in corporates I don’t see any huge benefit to anyone slaving away for a corporate while my kids spend their time in childcare.
Can SAHP appear to have the “sheer audacity” you mentioned. Yes, but I expect some of it is down to attitudes that they aren’t actually working.
Wealth inequality exists, unless we want to live in a communist society some people will have to go to work and others won’t.

I only have an issue with SAHM who rely on benefits. If you have an income from another source I don’t care. I personally didn’t need to work but prefer the security of my own income,

Exactly this.

It often makes people feel that their own 'mothering' isn't as good as they can't do all the things we SAHM can with their children, such as attend all school events, pick up and drop of every day, look after children through the holidays etc. It also seems to be looked down on if you dare have time to yourself!

I'd never dream of judging someone else for choosing to work, in fact I admire them for doing what's best for their family, as I do my SAHM friends.

The assumption that all financial stability would be gone if your husband left always makes me laugh, like I'm some sort of nit wit who would leave myself destitute.

It often makes people feel that their own 'mothering' isn't as good as they can't do all the things we SAHM can

What an odd thing to say. I As a working parent I can honestly say that DH and I have never thought of our parenting as substandard in comparison to parents who stay at home. I can’t think of one colleague or friend who thinks that way either. You say you’re not a nitwit but really, that bizarre claim does you no favours.

Its comments like the one you’ve made in the middle, ‘surely bringing up kids who are well rounded, securely attached human beings is important for future generations and the world/economy also…?’ that I find annoying and similar that come from a lot of SAHP… I manage to do this and work - this is why working parents feel bad! It’s not a competition- working parents are criticised just as heavily (probably more so) than SAHP.

This is nonsense and quite offensive to many people.

I haven't known any parent wish they child fo the school run everyday. It's often a PITA for sahms. It's definitely not something any working parent, I know, desperately wants to do.

And contrary to popular belief many working parents also attend events and spend time with their kids during the holidays. And again, plenty of parents (both working and sahp) are often happy when the school holidays are over.

So I still can't see why it would be jealousy.

The comment about how you aren't 'a nitwit' because you wouldn't find yourself destitute is unbelievably condescending. Do you have to compassion for people who find themselves in that situation, even if their own choices played part in their situation?

Just because someone is a stay at home mum does not mean they are well off. Child care is more expensive then some wages bring in, if youre earning enough to pay child care you’re well off

Yes due to childcare costs for 2 was at home. Went back work once they older. Found summer care a killer paying out. You hardly have any profit

1. Because when you're a sahm, and assuming you're in a heterosexual relationship, you often end up enabling a man.

1. Because I can't fathom as a grown woman having someone else pay for my food, clothes and housing and every item I need or consume. Like literally another adult is paying for me to survive, like im a child. Of course there is a way to rationalise it and of course I understand the idea of family money, but I would find that v v uncomfortable.

1. Because the women I've known throughout my life who were just disinterested in working and not motivated, used having kids as an 'out' and living as a sahm the way to avoid working. Sounds brutal but for many women it is a better choice than having to go out to work.

What I've always felt rather strange is this almost "bragging" about how as a FT working mom you still have the same amount of life admin as a SAHM but you need to be "getting up early or staying up late or scrabbling around in any break that crops up around the working day to get it all done".

How is this a good thing? How is this something to brag about? I think this is precisely the kind of issue that feminism needs to tackle today - that us working women are still expected to bear most of the load of life admin while working FT.

It's like a martyr type of situation - "I'm at the end of my tether, barely surviving, but I'm miserable so you should be miserable too".

Maybe some women don't want to live like this and are playing with the cards they're dealt. Instead of spending their lives constantly tired and run down just to prove a point, they decide to take the good (having the opportunity to be a SAHM which is more accepted than a SAHD) with the bad (the mental load of being a woman).

From what I've witnessed, the only working moms who are truly satisfied with life have one of the following life setups:

• lots of childcare from family both during weekdays (so that children are in the care of people you can completely trust without feeling the mum guilt) and weekends (so that you can have some free time to tackle the endless life admin)
• earn over £120k themselves plus husbands earning similar salaries and thus being able to outsource almost all of life admin
• working PT with flexible hours, good pay and a satisfying job

I'm very fortunate do be in one of the above type of situations, however I have many SAHM friends who didn't earn nearly enough while working who constantly feel judged for simply daring to want a life where they're not constantly stressed from the mental load.

Unfortunately all other FT working moms constantly (and understandably) share that they're constantly tired, run down, don't have time for themselves let alone for their partners, their marriages suffer, etc. Let's face it, modern life is really really difficult for women and unless you're in one of the above situations or you have endless energy and thrive on 5h of sleep, it's going to be even more difficult.

Men are generally raised with the confidence that they can make decisions which benefit them first, so I think it's pretty b*llsy when women do that too unapologetically (even if this decision means focusing on the kids/home if this allows them to have an easier time of it all).

I'm a little envious of anyone who doesn't have to worry about what happens to their child after they themselves die.

It could be a case of the grass is always greener. My best friend is a single mother and works full time. I think she is a little envious of my not needing to work so I can care for our sick child. In her ideal world she'd work part-time, but doesn't have a choice.

I'm a little envious that she is able to work at all. It's only the last year I haven't done any paid work at all, but working from home just a few hours here and there didn't do it for me. I'd like to work part-time but don't really have a choice either.

So it comes back to the ability to choose again. The ability to choose is what's enviable.

Have to say that everyone I know with two parents working full time seems to lead a very frazzled and stressful life.

Yeah it sucks. There is a lot of ‘concern’ which I understand to an extent, but it can just be an excuse to be a bit rude. 🙄 I’d be more concerned about someone working full time, yet still struggling to make ends meet and having an abusive partner. There are some horrific stories on this relationship board. Maybe it’s sometimes ok to rely on someone if you are in an adult, loving relationship? And if that changes,
well! You go back to work. Just as before.
Also if you were having a career break and doing some travelling but relying on your partner then that is ok. But looking after your kids is wrong apparently! So it’s just bashing mothers for their choice.

Anyway, forget all that. You’ve also been unwell! You’re allowed to look after your child and then have some time at home. Good for you! You need a thicker skin. Be proud,
own it and take your time.

@avajamesbee 👏

I'm childfree by choice and one of the reasons for not feeling able to have children for me was the immense pressure women have to have to be equal breadwinners to their partner in it all and people who prefer to be or in a position to be SAHM's get massively downtrodden. For me I cannot - and won't - ever call myself - a feminist as it all just seems to mean having it all means you have to do it all when really it should be about women having choices, even if it does mean choosing more of a traditional role. For the women who want to have a career/in a position to/have a very high level of recognised intelligence, great! But this shouldn't mean people are run down for not being career driven/not having the same academic situation that leads to high paying jobs or simply don't enjoy working for some other reason such as disablities when people are trying to work or subjected to bullying in workplaces/horrible co workers and so on. Why the hell would someone choose working over just being there for their kids in those sort of situations? Being a wage slave in a capitalist world that can happily dispose of you anytime shouldn't be sold as some expected "defualt" and "contributing to society" over paid work is massively over rated. Why? What's so special about working? Not everyone even HAS a career but more a job. It's not like men even pull their weight for the most part. A lot of men are expecting their partner's to be equal breadwinners whilst the home/childcare falls on the woman and they STILL seem to get to leave eventually for the much younger and prettier woman whilst the woman is glorifying herself for "running ragged" over working lol.

Because working FT mothers constantly say “oh, I do everything a SAHP does AND I work full time.” smug face.
um, no don’t! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your choice. It’s a great choice! But you are not physically looking after your child when you are working. You’re doing a bad job at both if you are!

Some women want to be at home with their children and they think it will make them better mums. That’s ok.

They’re not saying you’re a bad mum! They’re just saying it works for them and makes them better.

Ive done both. Let’s chill out.

@randomfemthinker Amen. I couldn't put it better

THANK YOU!

Women can do bloody both thanks. And that includes being a SAHM if we want.

I've done both and it's not the same. There are things I don't do when I'm working, don't do to the same level, short cuts I take, things I can't be there for, when I am working. People need to do what's right for them but, for me at least, it's not the same.

Curious to know more - if you’ve children at school (rather than pre schoolers when I get why might not want to outsource that), what do sahms do that’s more than a working one? Interested to know from someone who has been both. I don’t get how if your kid is at school 9-3 you are spending 6 hours cleaning and cooking every day?

If your friends and family are concerned it may be for your king term warning potential. Or that financially dependent people are more likely to suffer abuse.

overall it’s not smart if you have a career. Even if you’re just working minimum wage jobs you can work your way up. If you’re still married in 30 years then it wasn’t worth it, but you can’t know that.

so you do you. But have a bank account spelt in your name your husband contributes to. Financial independence, back up, whatever, it’s a good thing. Watch for abuse, check yourself, if there is something going on you don’t want to or are told not to tell others - well that needs to be said! Get the opinion of an independent third party, keep safe.

as for general public I don’t know that anyone cares you’re staying at home. It’s super rude and bothersome when a SAHM complains about all the basics of her day being a lot, when every working mom does the same and a job. It’s decadent a a nice privilege you can stay at home and adequately take care of everything and yourself.

I worked when my kids were in school. So I've done both the SAHM and working mother thing. I worked part-time though before I had to stay home again for medical reasons in my child. It was the mothers who had at least some time at home who were down at the school helping, for one thing. I remember one little boy being really sad because his mother never came to help with the reading because she was at work. My life is a bit less standard than most, so I don't think I'm a good example really.

Many negative reactions may be envy/jealousy.. from those who dont have the choice to stay home